revelations
Last friday I was in Eibergen with Keshia, Selwyn, and Laura, who have quickly become my closest friends in the very brief time that I've known them (laura for 1,5 year, the others about half a year). And we talked. Loads. I mean LOADS. Mostly me though, but they also talked a little. I talked about when I was suicidal, my bad relationship with my parents and family (or rather, the way it was). I talked about my "older" friends, Rick, Nathalie, Wesley, all of whom I've known for several years now. Rick and nathalie I've known for over 7 years now, Wesley I've known for nearly 19-20 years (!). Mind you I'm 26 and he is 25. Thats a LONG time for someone our age. I talked about... well I dont really know. What they meant for me. How I could always knock on their door if I'm really in a bind.
This brings me to what I wanted to talk about... the past several years I've mostly been talking about my depressions. How I disliked life. And occasionally I would mention how much I like a specific person. Thing is, I only did that when I wanted to talk about that person after I saw a positive side to them or when they helped me a lot. I think at the time, I felt I did it correctly. But now I changed my vision regarding that. I think that all people I have met or spoken to in the past several years deserve some form of respect, and at least have some good qualities to them. Even say, the people from Hostilecrayon's forum (the rpgspot). They ridiculed me, mocked me, lord knows what else. But I forgive them for it now. I dont associate with them anymore, nor do I want to. But those people were still to a degree an important part of my life. Dave, Lish, Mystic, Johan/Slappy, Xantar. As strange as it is, I wish to thank them for this. To just look past the bad stuff and look at the good stuff.
The same goes for broken friendships and relationships. Of course, I refer to Chantelle, Stephanie (butler), and several others I am probably forgetting. My hatred blinded me for the past. It clouded my good memories. Because of stephanie, I had some of the happiest days in my entire life because I felt love and alive. I can never, ever thank her enough for that. And chantelle... despite all the bad things, I love that girl for taking me into her home and showing me a family life I never had, friendships, and simply going out with people. Its simply because of Chantelle that I learned to care more for people (I always considered chantelle a little sister. To an extent, I still do). And because of her I saw Canada, a lifelong dream. I won't look past her bad actions, no. But when I think of her from time to time, I will think fondly of the fun talks we had. How I felt when I watched her on cam and suddenly Nala would jump on the chair and walk past her head. And I will think of how she practically leaped against me when she first saw me. She's a great, good person. I just think at the time she made certain decisions, that she was just confused. I hope she isn't anymore.
When it turned 2010, I told myself I would change my life. no more depressions, being happier, cherishing life more. And you know what? I love the feeling.
Amongst things, I would like to be a better friend, son, and familymember. I really do. Because right now I realise how selfish I've always been... I helped people because somewhere I hoped karma would repay it. But damn karma.. I want to help a friend because they need it and I can give it, not because there's something in it for me. And last weekend I realised I am doing that. I want to help someone because it hurts me to see someone troubled and unable to help themselves.
One of the talks I had with my friends this weekend was.. how I felt while I was depressed. I had the standard feelings; useless, tired, bored, like there was no place for me in the world. When you are depressed, you tend to put things into a sometimes twisted, but often correct perspective. I always thought that if I would die, people I have a positive impact on in life would visit my funeral. My parents would show because they lost a son. My family would show up because its mandatory. What friends would really show up? three or four, and only if they caught wind of it.
So I gave that some thinking... a positive impact on someone's life. What does that mean? To me it means that someone became a better person thanks to me. They reason things less aggressively, dont vandalise stuff, or simply behave a bit more. And if you are depressed, you can't be that impact on someone. You cant tell influence someone to behave when your own aura reads "kill me" so to speak. So.. I changed my aura. I know I cant be a happy person all day every day all year the rest of my life. But lord knows.... I want to try it. At least enjoy life more, and have others enjoy life.
But there's also the other end of the scale... I never gave it thought, but who influenced me? My personality? And I realised I owe gratitude to so many people I dont know where to begin or where to start. There are many people I could thank for it... my parents mostly. But I realised how often I badmouthed my first ex... Leah. I was -so- wrong in doing that. Leah may not have been perfect, but she always accepted people for who they are, imperfections be damned. She was always herself, and she liked being herself. She took me for who I was, a loser with no life, suicidal thoughts, no lovelife or social life. She loved me, made love to me, and wanted me. She brought joy to my life at a time where I lost it again. Looking back at the way I treated her... I loathe myself. She was the first person in many years to treat me like a human, and I treated her like crap. If you think Karma, then chantelle's treatment of me was just cause. I just wish I could tell Leah this in person, how wrong I was... how much it now means to me what she did for me and said to me back then. But I no longer speak to her, Im not even sure her email is still the same, and contacting her dad seems a bit weird....
I want to be a better person... and I'm on the right track. My bond with my mom has greatly improved in my eyes, and my friendships have been stronger than ever. There's still work for me to do though.... I need to repair the bonds with my family. Grandparents, family... I just would like to show them I still care.
There was a time you let me know
whats really going on below
but now you never show it to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
the holy Dark was moving too
and every breath we drew was halleluja
thanks for reading. cherish the loved ones in your life. And to an extent even the ones you now hate, because even they may have given you good memories.
~michel~
This brings me to what I wanted to talk about... the past several years I've mostly been talking about my depressions. How I disliked life. And occasionally I would mention how much I like a specific person. Thing is, I only did that when I wanted to talk about that person after I saw a positive side to them or when they helped me a lot. I think at the time, I felt I did it correctly. But now I changed my vision regarding that. I think that all people I have met or spoken to in the past several years deserve some form of respect, and at least have some good qualities to them. Even say, the people from Hostilecrayon's forum (the rpgspot). They ridiculed me, mocked me, lord knows what else. But I forgive them for it now. I dont associate with them anymore, nor do I want to. But those people were still to a degree an important part of my life. Dave, Lish, Mystic, Johan/Slappy, Xantar. As strange as it is, I wish to thank them for this. To just look past the bad stuff and look at the good stuff.
The same goes for broken friendships and relationships. Of course, I refer to Chantelle, Stephanie (butler), and several others I am probably forgetting. My hatred blinded me for the past. It clouded my good memories. Because of stephanie, I had some of the happiest days in my entire life because I felt love and alive. I can never, ever thank her enough for that. And chantelle... despite all the bad things, I love that girl for taking me into her home and showing me a family life I never had, friendships, and simply going out with people. Its simply because of Chantelle that I learned to care more for people (I always considered chantelle a little sister. To an extent, I still do). And because of her I saw Canada, a lifelong dream. I won't look past her bad actions, no. But when I think of her from time to time, I will think fondly of the fun talks we had. How I felt when I watched her on cam and suddenly Nala would jump on the chair and walk past her head. And I will think of how she practically leaped against me when she first saw me. She's a great, good person. I just think at the time she made certain decisions, that she was just confused. I hope she isn't anymore.
When it turned 2010, I told myself I would change my life. no more depressions, being happier, cherishing life more. And you know what? I love the feeling.
Amongst things, I would like to be a better friend, son, and familymember. I really do. Because right now I realise how selfish I've always been... I helped people because somewhere I hoped karma would repay it. But damn karma.. I want to help a friend because they need it and I can give it, not because there's something in it for me. And last weekend I realised I am doing that. I want to help someone because it hurts me to see someone troubled and unable to help themselves.
One of the talks I had with my friends this weekend was.. how I felt while I was depressed. I had the standard feelings; useless, tired, bored, like there was no place for me in the world. When you are depressed, you tend to put things into a sometimes twisted, but often correct perspective. I always thought that if I would die, people I have a positive impact on in life would visit my funeral. My parents would show because they lost a son. My family would show up because its mandatory. What friends would really show up? three or four, and only if they caught wind of it.
So I gave that some thinking... a positive impact on someone's life. What does that mean? To me it means that someone became a better person thanks to me. They reason things less aggressively, dont vandalise stuff, or simply behave a bit more. And if you are depressed, you can't be that impact on someone. You cant tell influence someone to behave when your own aura reads "kill me" so to speak. So.. I changed my aura. I know I cant be a happy person all day every day all year the rest of my life. But lord knows.... I want to try it. At least enjoy life more, and have others enjoy life.
But there's also the other end of the scale... I never gave it thought, but who influenced me? My personality? And I realised I owe gratitude to so many people I dont know where to begin or where to start. There are many people I could thank for it... my parents mostly. But I realised how often I badmouthed my first ex... Leah. I was -so- wrong in doing that. Leah may not have been perfect, but she always accepted people for who they are, imperfections be damned. She was always herself, and she liked being herself. She took me for who I was, a loser with no life, suicidal thoughts, no lovelife or social life. She loved me, made love to me, and wanted me. She brought joy to my life at a time where I lost it again. Looking back at the way I treated her... I loathe myself. She was the first person in many years to treat me like a human, and I treated her like crap. If you think Karma, then chantelle's treatment of me was just cause. I just wish I could tell Leah this in person, how wrong I was... how much it now means to me what she did for me and said to me back then. But I no longer speak to her, Im not even sure her email is still the same, and contacting her dad seems a bit weird....
I want to be a better person... and I'm on the right track. My bond with my mom has greatly improved in my eyes, and my friendships have been stronger than ever. There's still work for me to do though.... I need to repair the bonds with my family. Grandparents, family... I just would like to show them I still care.
There was a time you let me know
whats really going on below
but now you never show it to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
the holy Dark was moving too
and every breath we drew was halleluja
thanks for reading. cherish the loved ones in your life. And to an extent even the ones you now hate, because even they may have given you good memories.
~michel~