53 Ways To Get Alan Rickman To Notice You
1. Beat him up.
2. Get a restraining order on him before he gets one on you.
3. Ask Alan Rickman to autograph a body part.
4. Follow him around town like a crazed fan. Finally ask him, "Are you really Alan Rickman?" When he says yes, say, "Oh, I thought you were someone else," and walk away.
5. Pinch his butt. Then act like he pinched you.
6. Walk up to him with a huge chemistry textbook and say, "Professor Snape? Can you please help me with my Potions homework?"
7. During a (preferably serious) play, hold up a sign that says, "Give Us A Real Show, Alan! Strip For Us!"
8. Give him flowers. Dead flowers.
9. Throw marshmallows onto the stage.
10. Look at him for a very long time, then say, "No offense sir, but you look like that one really ugly actor from Die Hard. What's his name? Oh yeah, Alan Rickman."
11. Ask him where babies come from. Have a notebook in hand to take notes!
12. Point at him and laugh uncontrollably.
13. Walk up to him, stare at him, and say spookily, "I just saw a vision of my own death..."
14. Get a friend. You pull one of Alan's arms while your friend pulls the other, and start singing "The Boy Is Mine."
15. Make a beautifully packaged gift basket and present it to him after a play. Inside, include condoms, can openers, floppy discs, used tissues, and other random junk you can find.
16. Kneel at his feet, start bowing and chanting, "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" Then stop, give a good look at him, and say, "Oh, I thought you were someone else."
17. Stand next to Alan. When someone else goes up to him for an autograph, say in a nonchalant voice, "He's my daddy, you know."
18. Dress like a nun, and pinch his butt!
19. Walk up to him. Poke him on the nose like how Alanis Morrisette pokes Bethany on the nose in Dogma.
20. Smear your hands in Krazy Glue. Then shake hands with Alan! That'll keep you two together for a while.
21. Get cosmetic surgery to look like Rima!
22. Ask him, "Does my pants make my butt look big?"
23. Bring a huge poster of Ian McKellen to the play and ask him to sign it.
24. If you see him walking down the street, go up to him and whisper in his ear, "I'm going to kill you and send you down the garbage disposal." Then when he looks at you, gasp and say, "I'm so sorry sir! For a moment I thought you were that actor, Alan Rickman!"
25. Go up to him really close and shove ice cubes down his pants!
26. During the middle of the play when Alan is onstage, scream, "Where's Alan Rickman! And who is this ugly fraud!"
27. While he's outside of the theater signing autographs, stick a note on his back that says, "I eat animals and small children," or other similarly witty catchphrase.
28. Wait a long time to get his autograph... then go up to him and ask him if he's got change for a nickel.
29. Blow your nose on his shirt.
30. Wet your hands at the sink. Then pretend to sneeze in his face, shaking the water from your hands onto his face. (It feels like someone really sneezed at you! Totally gross.)
31. Buy him a mini skirt.
32. Gush on and on about how much you absolutely loved him in Lord Of The Rings, Star Wars, and other movies he wasn't a part of.
33. Crash your car with his and then you'll have to exchange addresses for insurance reasons.
34. During a play, laugh loudly at random places.
35. Make funny faces at him during a play.
36. Eat lots of garlic and tomatoes (like in Closet Land) and kiss him.
37. Dress like a man, and accuse him of stealing Rima.
38. Tell him, "Alan, you're the most handsome man in the world! Or no... maybe Orlando Bloom is. Maybe Ian McKellen is. Actually, I think Johnny Depp is. Sorry about that."
39. Dress up like an agent from the X Files and run up to him and give him a mysterious package in a manila envelope while saying, "Hold onto this while I alert the Undercover Resistance."
40. Say to him, "Do you know who the best actor in the world is?" Look at him like you're going to say his name, but then say, "Kevin Spacey."
41. Dress up like a cop, and walk up to him with handcuffs, saying, "Hans Gruber, I'm putting you under arrest for murder and arson."
42. Make a sign that says "The End Is Near." Hold it up at plays. Preferably in the front row.
43. Drag him with you into a gas station and attempt to tango with him.
44. At the stage door, give him fifty or sixty helium filled balloons, preferably in the form of pink elephants.
45. Serenade him with "Hot In Here" by Nelly.
46. Tell him, "Do you turn me on, do I turn you on?" When his mouth falls open because he can't say anything, scream, "Listen everybody, I turn him on!"
47. Go to one of his movies sets and every time when he makes a mistake scream, "Alan, you've been a bad boy, go to my room!"
48. Dress as Lady Marian and walk up to him and shout, "I will never marry you!" Then cry and run off.
49. Ask him for a little interview, and when he agrees, you start the camera, raise your microphone and say, "Hello, I stand here beside the great Hugh Grant..."
50. Tell him, "Hey? Aren't you the cutie from Love Actually?" Start asking questions for about half an hour and then say, "No... you aren't..."
51. Run up to Alan and ask him for a private potions lesson.
52: Go to him, scream his name and say, "Hey, that's Alan Rickman! Could you give me the number of Liam Neeson?"
53: Run up to Alan, show him a picture of himself, and say frantically, "My husband's gone missing! Can you help me?"
2. Get a restraining order on him before he gets one on you.
3. Ask Alan Rickman to autograph a body part.
4. Follow him around town like a crazed fan. Finally ask him, "Are you really Alan Rickman?" When he says yes, say, "Oh, I thought you were someone else," and walk away.
5. Pinch his butt. Then act like he pinched you.
6. Walk up to him with a huge chemistry textbook and say, "Professor Snape? Can you please help me with my Potions homework?"
7. During a (preferably serious) play, hold up a sign that says, "Give Us A Real Show, Alan! Strip For Us!"
8. Give him flowers. Dead flowers.
9. Throw marshmallows onto the stage.
10. Look at him for a very long time, then say, "No offense sir, but you look like that one really ugly actor from Die Hard. What's his name? Oh yeah, Alan Rickman."
11. Ask him where babies come from. Have a notebook in hand to take notes!
12. Point at him and laugh uncontrollably.
13. Walk up to him, stare at him, and say spookily, "I just saw a vision of my own death..."
14. Get a friend. You pull one of Alan's arms while your friend pulls the other, and start singing "The Boy Is Mine."
15. Make a beautifully packaged gift basket and present it to him after a play. Inside, include condoms, can openers, floppy discs, used tissues, and other random junk you can find.
16. Kneel at his feet, start bowing and chanting, "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" Then stop, give a good look at him, and say, "Oh, I thought you were someone else."
17. Stand next to Alan. When someone else goes up to him for an autograph, say in a nonchalant voice, "He's my daddy, you know."
18. Dress like a nun, and pinch his butt!
19. Walk up to him. Poke him on the nose like how Alanis Morrisette pokes Bethany on the nose in Dogma.
20. Smear your hands in Krazy Glue. Then shake hands with Alan! That'll keep you two together for a while.
21. Get cosmetic surgery to look like Rima!
22. Ask him, "Does my pants make my butt look big?"
23. Bring a huge poster of Ian McKellen to the play and ask him to sign it.
24. If you see him walking down the street, go up to him and whisper in his ear, "I'm going to kill you and send you down the garbage disposal." Then when he looks at you, gasp and say, "I'm so sorry sir! For a moment I thought you were that actor, Alan Rickman!"
25. Go up to him really close and shove ice cubes down his pants!
26. During the middle of the play when Alan is onstage, scream, "Where's Alan Rickman! And who is this ugly fraud!"
27. While he's outside of the theater signing autographs, stick a note on his back that says, "I eat animals and small children," or other similarly witty catchphrase.
28. Wait a long time to get his autograph... then go up to him and ask him if he's got change for a nickel.
29. Blow your nose on his shirt.
30. Wet your hands at the sink. Then pretend to sneeze in his face, shaking the water from your hands onto his face. (It feels like someone really sneezed at you! Totally gross.)
31. Buy him a mini skirt.
32. Gush on and on about how much you absolutely loved him in Lord Of The Rings, Star Wars, and other movies he wasn't a part of.
33. Crash your car with his and then you'll have to exchange addresses for insurance reasons.
34. During a play, laugh loudly at random places.
35. Make funny faces at him during a play.
36. Eat lots of garlic and tomatoes (like in Closet Land) and kiss him.
37. Dress like a man, and accuse him of stealing Rima.
38. Tell him, "Alan, you're the most handsome man in the world! Or no... maybe Orlando Bloom is. Maybe Ian McKellen is. Actually, I think Johnny Depp is. Sorry about that."
39. Dress up like an agent from the X Files and run up to him and give him a mysterious package in a manila envelope while saying, "Hold onto this while I alert the Undercover Resistance."
40. Say to him, "Do you know who the best actor in the world is?" Look at him like you're going to say his name, but then say, "Kevin Spacey."
41. Dress up like a cop, and walk up to him with handcuffs, saying, "Hans Gruber, I'm putting you under arrest for murder and arson."
42. Make a sign that says "The End Is Near." Hold it up at plays. Preferably in the front row.
43. Drag him with you into a gas station and attempt to tango with him.
44. At the stage door, give him fifty or sixty helium filled balloons, preferably in the form of pink elephants.
45. Serenade him with "Hot In Here" by Nelly.
46. Tell him, "Do you turn me on, do I turn you on?" When his mouth falls open because he can't say anything, scream, "Listen everybody, I turn him on!"
47. Go to one of his movies sets and every time when he makes a mistake scream, "Alan, you've been a bad boy, go to my room!"
48. Dress as Lady Marian and walk up to him and shout, "I will never marry you!" Then cry and run off.
49. Ask him for a little interview, and when he agrees, you start the camera, raise your microphone and say, "Hello, I stand here beside the great Hugh Grant..."
50. Tell him, "Hey? Aren't you the cutie from Love Actually?" Start asking questions for about half an hour and then say, "No... you aren't..."
51. Run up to Alan and ask him for a private potions lesson.
52: Go to him, scream his name and say, "Hey, that's Alan Rickman! Could you give me the number of Liam Neeson?"
53: Run up to Alan, show him a picture of himself, and say frantically, "My husband's gone missing! Can you help me?"