eternal flame
why is it so hard?
and I don't want to bitch because I do know that others have it much worse.
but psychiatrists don't work, they don't even help you.
they just tell you how messed up your family life is, and how the way your mom raised you will damage you in the future.
how in the world is that supposed to help you? I wonder....
today I left school after 2 period, after Ayres.
the class which I love, which I wish I was smart enough to do well in.
Mr. Ayres is wonderful in my opinion, perhaps because Ilove literature so much.
but I know that I'm disappointing him, I hate it.
to always start off looking like a wonderful student to teachers, until they realize that I don't do my homework, and after that moment they just look at me sadly and treat me like a hooligan. haha it's true.
it feels bad...
I cant handle anything anymore, not even school.
does that make me a retard?
I wanted to go to Ayres, I want to do well in his class and no other.
and then I left, I just walked out, walked to borders and buried myself in music until school was out and I could tell my mom to pick me up.
my friends would look at me so strangely if they knew, and I didn't even go to school yesterday or the day before.
maybe Iv'e just become lazy since I broke my ankle, but I really just want to walk to the forest and hide in the shade, feel the wet leaves and walk on the dead ones.
I want to make a movie, a beautiful one that only makes sense to me.
I want to hide from everyone because I'm tired of caring, and I hope I don't.
no matter what I do, I can't figure it out, my own therapist cant figure it out.
and I can't get my mother's attention.
I feel like a black hole, I'm sucking everything in, but it all goes nowhere.
I want to refuse to do things that everyone does, my sister did it but her life is horrible.
and I can't tell if I'm becoming more and more like her because I subconsciously want to or because it's in my blood as well.
what if I have that same disease, like my sister and my father, then I would finally be connected to them in some way.
I'm sick of everyone connecting me to my mother, and how I apparently look exactly like her.
my father and my sister are crazy genius'. maybe I'm just crazy.
and how I wasn't before, until I was moved away from one of the few places I never wanted to leave.
It's crazy how I've moved more in my life time than all my friends combined, and I've always hated staying in one place for too long because of it. but the one place I would have lived in for ten years must be abandoned once again after only two, and I've been moved into a miserable hell with a plastic smile stapled onto my face.
and I ditched school for the very first time.
and I don't want to bitch because I do know that others have it much worse.
but psychiatrists don't work, they don't even help you.
they just tell you how messed up your family life is, and how the way your mom raised you will damage you in the future.
how in the world is that supposed to help you? I wonder....
today I left school after 2 period, after Ayres.
the class which I love, which I wish I was smart enough to do well in.
Mr. Ayres is wonderful in my opinion, perhaps because Ilove literature so much.
but I know that I'm disappointing him, I hate it.
to always start off looking like a wonderful student to teachers, until they realize that I don't do my homework, and after that moment they just look at me sadly and treat me like a hooligan. haha it's true.
it feels bad...
I cant handle anything anymore, not even school.
does that make me a retard?
I wanted to go to Ayres, I want to do well in his class and no other.
and then I left, I just walked out, walked to borders and buried myself in music until school was out and I could tell my mom to pick me up.
my friends would look at me so strangely if they knew, and I didn't even go to school yesterday or the day before.
maybe Iv'e just become lazy since I broke my ankle, but I really just want to walk to the forest and hide in the shade, feel the wet leaves and walk on the dead ones.
I want to make a movie, a beautiful one that only makes sense to me.
I want to hide from everyone because I'm tired of caring, and I hope I don't.
no matter what I do, I can't figure it out, my own therapist cant figure it out.
and I can't get my mother's attention.
I feel like a black hole, I'm sucking everything in, but it all goes nowhere.
I want to refuse to do things that everyone does, my sister did it but her life is horrible.
and I can't tell if I'm becoming more and more like her because I subconsciously want to or because it's in my blood as well.
what if I have that same disease, like my sister and my father, then I would finally be connected to them in some way.
I'm sick of everyone connecting me to my mother, and how I apparently look exactly like her.
my father and my sister are crazy genius'. maybe I'm just crazy.
and how I wasn't before, until I was moved away from one of the few places I never wanted to leave.
It's crazy how I've moved more in my life time than all my friends combined, and I've always hated staying in one place for too long because of it. but the one place I would have lived in for ten years must be abandoned once again after only two, and I've been moved into a miserable hell with a plastic smile stapled onto my face.
and I ditched school for the very first time.