Can't Go Back Now (Part Two of Four)
Title: Can't Go Back Now
Part: Two of Four
Fandom: 30 Rock
Pairings: Jack/Liz, Floyd/Liz
Rating (this part): NC-17
Word Count (this part): 2,200
Summary: She's something he can't quite get over. (Follows " One and Only" and Part One of this fic.)
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue.
*
From time to time, Jack runs into Floyd. On the street, in the lobby, in the elevator, in the hallway. ("We're really gonna make this work," Liz had said a few weeks ago, when she and Floyd were both distracted by their jobs. "We're going to do the meeting halfway thing. We're going to see each other as much as we can. This is going to work.") They are amicable enough, but he wishes they didn't have to pretend no tension exists between them. That Floyd was less nice, less kind, so they could simply ignore each other. But maybe Floyd truly is okay with everything; maybe he doesn't mind his girlfriend spending so much time with a man who's in love with her because he knows he's won. (Or perhaps he is truly too nice to have such thoughts.)
He wonders if Floyd knows he and Liz have slept together. He wonders if this information would threaten him.
*
"I also had an... enjoyable evening."
It's his new way of shutting down Liz's attempts to talk about her relationship. He finds that it makes Liz quiet down and want to move on quicker; she barely wished to discuss his sex life when she was a part of it, so hearing about his escapades with other women holds even less appeal for her.
"Oh. That's... great. Did you go out with that girl you saw last week? Whatserface?"
"No."
"That's... great."
"It was. She was very--"
"Okay. That's enough."
Eventually, she starts mentioning Floyd only in passing. He doesn't know if he's won a battle or is simply succeeding in pushing her farther away.
*
One morning, Liz comes into his office looking less than happy. Miserable, in fact. He doesn't inquire right away about what happened and when he does, she replies:
"Oh, now you care about what's going on with me?"
"I always care. I simply don't need to hear repetition about your happiness--"
"Well, I bet you're going to feel awesome because Floyd broke up with me."
He feels guilty that, for a moment, he's pleased by the promise of a second chance. "I don't want you to be unhappy."
"I know. I know. I'm just... I don't mean to be confrontational... Just--" Her shoulders slump. "What's wrong with me? Don't say everything."
He takes a step closer. "What exactly happened?"
"He asked me to marry him. And I said no." He wants because of you. He gets: "Actually, I said 'I don't know.' Then I said 'no.' Why do I have to screw up every good thing that happens to me? I have to overthink everything to the point of... Maybe I'm supposed to be alone forever. I mean, this is the closest I've been to getting married. A non-loser asking me to marry him, and I refuse. He should have given me time, shouldn't he? But he thinks if I'm not ready now, I never will be. It's not like we were dating for years. He's sure, so I should be sure. But I've never been married before. He's never been married before, either, so I guess that doesn't matter. But he should have waited."
"When you want something, it can be difficult to wait."
"Yeah, that's why you never wait for anything. You go straight ahead. But I can't do that. When it comes down to it, I can't make the leap. I want to do it. I want to get married; I want to have kids, except maybe I don't because I keep running away from everything that means something."
"Maybe Floyd wasn't the right man. Maybe that's why you said no. Maybe that's why he didn't want to wait."
"He's perfect for me, Jack. If he's not the right guy, then there is no right guy."
A moment of hesitation. "Perhaps there's someone who's almost right." Speaking in code is beginning to annoy him. He hates that she doesn't see him, hates that some part of her holds him in such little esteem that it's never occurred to her something more than sex would work, hates that he can't say, I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you, and I'll wait until you're ready. Wait within reason; there has to be a limit to what he'll allow her. "Perhaps--"
He stops as she starts to cry. He freezes for a moment, unsure of what to do in response. Soon, he closes the distance and pulls her to him. Her hands move to his chest, near where her head rests. The tears don't last long and, after she calms herself, she looks up at him. Doesn't pull out of his embrace.
One of her hands drifts down slightly. "You're hugging me."
"I have held you before."
He worries he's crossed a line, but she says, "That's different. This is different. In a good way, I mean. I'm not criticizing you." She rubs her cheek. "I'm not going to be alone forever, right?"
"You won't be alone forever," he replies.
*
On Saturday, she calls him. "Do you mind if I come over? I understand if you're busy--"
"I'm not doing anything of importance."
"I just... I'm used to having someone here. I can't deal with being alone right now."
"I can appreciate that."
"Really?"
"I have been in relationships, Lemon. I am human and therefore capable of experiencing loneliness."
"I know you're human. But you're better at getting over things. I mean, Elisa was the love of your life, and you barely seemed to look back after you broke up."
"Perhaps that means she wasn't the love of my life."
Elisa wasn't the one; otherwise, he never would have fallen in love again. Liz isn't the one; he's decided not to believe in a concept that turns the loss of a romance into the end of all romance.
He still loves her. But she is not everything.
*
When Liz arrives, Jack isn't sure if she wants to be kissed or comforted, or a combination of the two. It's cleared up when she says, "I feel like I'm using you for sex."
He leans closer as she grips his shirt. "It's hardly the worst way to be used."
"I'm shocked you would say that, Jack. Shocked."
"And you have used me for sex before."
"We used each other," she mutters. "This is different. Because... it is. I bet you thought you were done with me."
His hands move to her hips. "I did."
The first kiss is a little awkward; it's been months since they did this, after all. But soon her lips are parting hungrily against his and his hands are on her ass. Soon she's moaning and pressing her body against him. Soon it's like it was in the beginning, when they couldn't get enough of each other, when she used to sit at the edge of his desk and let him push up her skirt, pausing briefly to say, you know, maybe they shouldn't bring this sex friend thing into work and he argued that they were still friends while at work, so why was this any different? He grips the backs of her thighs and lifts her up against the wall. Her arms and legs wrap around him, enveloping him as he kisses her neck. Later, he carries her to the couch. He's leaning over her, tugging her pants down when she says:
"Sweatpants aren't super sexy, huh?"
He hadn't even thought about it. "I suppose not."
"Sorry."
"Don't apologize. They're not detracting from this experience."
Later, after the sweatpants are on the floor and she's similarly removed his pants, he brushes his fingers against the dampness in her underwear. Pushes them to the side to feel how wet she is, how much she wants him if not needs him. Much later, after she's naked, after he's had his head between her legs long enough to coat his tongue in her taste but not long enough to make her come (and he's thought about the first time he went down on her, when she covered her face with both hands like she had walked in on others engaging in such an activity or was stuck in a horror film), after he's dragged his tongue over her clit one last time with her gaze focused on him, he carries her to the bedroom. He stops by the door, pressing her against a wall again so he can hear her groan of surprise, feel her teeth scrape his bottom lip. She wraps her legs tighter around him, the engorged, slick flesh of her sex rubbing harder against his stomach. He holds her ass as he walks to the bed, keeping the contact between her sex and his body firm until he lays her down. He leans over her as he kisses her, kneels between her legs after she's situated herself. She touches the side of his neck.
He kisses across her jawline. Inhales. "What do you want?"
"You sit back against the headboard. Okay?"
He does so, grabbing a condom from the nightstand before she straddles his legs. She watches as he unrolls it onto himself, quickly positions her entrance over his cock when he's done. He grips her thighs and finds himself sighing with relief as she's finally lowering her hips, her inner walls quickly surrounding his entire length. He's slept with other women since her -- none of them more than once -- but it feels like it's been ages since he's had someone this way.
Her breath hitches and she tightens around him, her hair falling into her face as she ducks her head. He tilts her chin upward and kisses her lips. She kisses back. He wraps an arm around her. Waits for her to move.
*
He wants Liz to look at him.
Which isn't to say she doesn't, simply that her looking at him has gained more importance. He doesn't want to allow himself to think she'd rather be somewhere else, wants to believe she's forgotten about her reasons for ending up in his bed and is focused on being in his bed. On him on top of her, hands pressed into the mattress as he thrusts his hips, as her hips rock with him. He leans down to kiss her breasts, tasting the salt of her sweat as his tongue sweeps over her skin. She moans his name, and he groans louder at the sound of it, groans around her nipple as he sucks it into his mouth.
She starts to cry out more insistently, and he quickens the pace as he picks up his head. She's looking up at him as she presses a hand to his chest, closes her eyes as her fingers curl into a fist. He leans down again, kissing her neck as she comes hard, her muscles tightly gripping his cock. Her arms wrap around him, holding him closer as he keeps moving. He says her name right before he pushes as deep inside her as he can and comes. He stays where he is for a little bit, continuing to brace himself so he doesn't crush her, feeling her hands stroke his back and her thigh rub against his side. He lifts his head up after one last kiss to her neck, finding her eyes open. She kisses him before he eases out of her, twice before he moves to his back. He shifts for a moment to dispose of the condom, is quickly back next to her, no space between their bodies.
After her breathing slows to normal, he rolls onto his side and pulls her closer. They kiss, soft and slow, while he inhales the mix of sweat and sex that clings to their bodies and the air. She drapes her leg over the top of his, her warm sex flush against his thigh, causing another surge of desire to shoot through him. It's too soon for him to get hard again and he doesn't feel like disrupting their kissing entirely in order to make his way down her body, so he slides his leg between hers as he holds her hip. She breaks the contact of their mouths so she can gasp out.
"Jack," she says, her voice soft, almost tentative.
She rubs his chest as they start to move together, the motion of her hips making his thigh slick with her arousal. He slides a hand over her ass after they find a rhythm, caressing her before he dips between her legs to her sex. He teases her entrance with two fingertips as she grinds harder against him. She's moaning and groaning as she gets closer until her body tenses and her eyes shut. As she cries out, he whispers near her cheek, "I love making you come." Because she can't be put off by such a declaration while unable to concentrate on anything but the sensations coursing through her. Because if he can't say, I love you, he might as well say, I love this.
She rests her forehead against his chest. Kisses him there. She doesn't move. He doesn't want her to.
End Part 2/4
Part: Two of Four
Fandom: 30 Rock
Pairings: Jack/Liz, Floyd/Liz
Rating (this part): NC-17
Word Count (this part): 2,200
Summary: She's something he can't quite get over. (Follows " One and Only" and Part One of this fic.)
Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue.
*
From time to time, Jack runs into Floyd. On the street, in the lobby, in the elevator, in the hallway. ("We're really gonna make this work," Liz had said a few weeks ago, when she and Floyd were both distracted by their jobs. "We're going to do the meeting halfway thing. We're going to see each other as much as we can. This is going to work.") They are amicable enough, but he wishes they didn't have to pretend no tension exists between them. That Floyd was less nice, less kind, so they could simply ignore each other. But maybe Floyd truly is okay with everything; maybe he doesn't mind his girlfriend spending so much time with a man who's in love with her because he knows he's won. (Or perhaps he is truly too nice to have such thoughts.)
He wonders if Floyd knows he and Liz have slept together. He wonders if this information would threaten him.
*
"I also had an... enjoyable evening."
It's his new way of shutting down Liz's attempts to talk about her relationship. He finds that it makes Liz quiet down and want to move on quicker; she barely wished to discuss his sex life when she was a part of it, so hearing about his escapades with other women holds even less appeal for her.
"Oh. That's... great. Did you go out with that girl you saw last week? Whatserface?"
"No."
"That's... great."
"It was. She was very--"
"Okay. That's enough."
Eventually, she starts mentioning Floyd only in passing. He doesn't know if he's won a battle or is simply succeeding in pushing her farther away.
*
One morning, Liz comes into his office looking less than happy. Miserable, in fact. He doesn't inquire right away about what happened and when he does, she replies:
"Oh, now you care about what's going on with me?"
"I always care. I simply don't need to hear repetition about your happiness--"
"Well, I bet you're going to feel awesome because Floyd broke up with me."
He feels guilty that, for a moment, he's pleased by the promise of a second chance. "I don't want you to be unhappy."
"I know. I know. I'm just... I don't mean to be confrontational... Just--" Her shoulders slump. "What's wrong with me? Don't say everything."
He takes a step closer. "What exactly happened?"
"He asked me to marry him. And I said no." He wants because of you. He gets: "Actually, I said 'I don't know.' Then I said 'no.' Why do I have to screw up every good thing that happens to me? I have to overthink everything to the point of... Maybe I'm supposed to be alone forever. I mean, this is the closest I've been to getting married. A non-loser asking me to marry him, and I refuse. He should have given me time, shouldn't he? But he thinks if I'm not ready now, I never will be. It's not like we were dating for years. He's sure, so I should be sure. But I've never been married before. He's never been married before, either, so I guess that doesn't matter. But he should have waited."
"When you want something, it can be difficult to wait."
"Yeah, that's why you never wait for anything. You go straight ahead. But I can't do that. When it comes down to it, I can't make the leap. I want to do it. I want to get married; I want to have kids, except maybe I don't because I keep running away from everything that means something."
"Maybe Floyd wasn't the right man. Maybe that's why you said no. Maybe that's why he didn't want to wait."
"He's perfect for me, Jack. If he's not the right guy, then there is no right guy."
A moment of hesitation. "Perhaps there's someone who's almost right." Speaking in code is beginning to annoy him. He hates that she doesn't see him, hates that some part of her holds him in such little esteem that it's never occurred to her something more than sex would work, hates that he can't say, I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you, and I'll wait until you're ready. Wait within reason; there has to be a limit to what he'll allow her. "Perhaps--"
He stops as she starts to cry. He freezes for a moment, unsure of what to do in response. Soon, he closes the distance and pulls her to him. Her hands move to his chest, near where her head rests. The tears don't last long and, after she calms herself, she looks up at him. Doesn't pull out of his embrace.
One of her hands drifts down slightly. "You're hugging me."
"I have held you before."
He worries he's crossed a line, but she says, "That's different. This is different. In a good way, I mean. I'm not criticizing you." She rubs her cheek. "I'm not going to be alone forever, right?"
"You won't be alone forever," he replies.
*
On Saturday, she calls him. "Do you mind if I come over? I understand if you're busy--"
"I'm not doing anything of importance."
"I just... I'm used to having someone here. I can't deal with being alone right now."
"I can appreciate that."
"Really?"
"I have been in relationships, Lemon. I am human and therefore capable of experiencing loneliness."
"I know you're human. But you're better at getting over things. I mean, Elisa was the love of your life, and you barely seemed to look back after you broke up."
"Perhaps that means she wasn't the love of my life."
Elisa wasn't the one; otherwise, he never would have fallen in love again. Liz isn't the one; he's decided not to believe in a concept that turns the loss of a romance into the end of all romance.
He still loves her. But she is not everything.
*
When Liz arrives, Jack isn't sure if she wants to be kissed or comforted, or a combination of the two. It's cleared up when she says, "I feel like I'm using you for sex."
He leans closer as she grips his shirt. "It's hardly the worst way to be used."
"I'm shocked you would say that, Jack. Shocked."
"And you have used me for sex before."
"We used each other," she mutters. "This is different. Because... it is. I bet you thought you were done with me."
His hands move to her hips. "I did."
The first kiss is a little awkward; it's been months since they did this, after all. But soon her lips are parting hungrily against his and his hands are on her ass. Soon she's moaning and pressing her body against him. Soon it's like it was in the beginning, when they couldn't get enough of each other, when she used to sit at the edge of his desk and let him push up her skirt, pausing briefly to say, you know, maybe they shouldn't bring this sex friend thing into work and he argued that they were still friends while at work, so why was this any different? He grips the backs of her thighs and lifts her up against the wall. Her arms and legs wrap around him, enveloping him as he kisses her neck. Later, he carries her to the couch. He's leaning over her, tugging her pants down when she says:
"Sweatpants aren't super sexy, huh?"
He hadn't even thought about it. "I suppose not."
"Sorry."
"Don't apologize. They're not detracting from this experience."
Later, after the sweatpants are on the floor and she's similarly removed his pants, he brushes his fingers against the dampness in her underwear. Pushes them to the side to feel how wet she is, how much she wants him if not needs him. Much later, after she's naked, after he's had his head between her legs long enough to coat his tongue in her taste but not long enough to make her come (and he's thought about the first time he went down on her, when she covered her face with both hands like she had walked in on others engaging in such an activity or was stuck in a horror film), after he's dragged his tongue over her clit one last time with her gaze focused on him, he carries her to the bedroom. He stops by the door, pressing her against a wall again so he can hear her groan of surprise, feel her teeth scrape his bottom lip. She wraps her legs tighter around him, the engorged, slick flesh of her sex rubbing harder against his stomach. He holds her ass as he walks to the bed, keeping the contact between her sex and his body firm until he lays her down. He leans over her as he kisses her, kneels between her legs after she's situated herself. She touches the side of his neck.
He kisses across her jawline. Inhales. "What do you want?"
"You sit back against the headboard. Okay?"
He does so, grabbing a condom from the nightstand before she straddles his legs. She watches as he unrolls it onto himself, quickly positions her entrance over his cock when he's done. He grips her thighs and finds himself sighing with relief as she's finally lowering her hips, her inner walls quickly surrounding his entire length. He's slept with other women since her -- none of them more than once -- but it feels like it's been ages since he's had someone this way.
Her breath hitches and she tightens around him, her hair falling into her face as she ducks her head. He tilts her chin upward and kisses her lips. She kisses back. He wraps an arm around her. Waits for her to move.
*
He wants Liz to look at him.
Which isn't to say she doesn't, simply that her looking at him has gained more importance. He doesn't want to allow himself to think she'd rather be somewhere else, wants to believe she's forgotten about her reasons for ending up in his bed and is focused on being in his bed. On him on top of her, hands pressed into the mattress as he thrusts his hips, as her hips rock with him. He leans down to kiss her breasts, tasting the salt of her sweat as his tongue sweeps over her skin. She moans his name, and he groans louder at the sound of it, groans around her nipple as he sucks it into his mouth.
She starts to cry out more insistently, and he quickens the pace as he picks up his head. She's looking up at him as she presses a hand to his chest, closes her eyes as her fingers curl into a fist. He leans down again, kissing her neck as she comes hard, her muscles tightly gripping his cock. Her arms wrap around him, holding him closer as he keeps moving. He says her name right before he pushes as deep inside her as he can and comes. He stays where he is for a little bit, continuing to brace himself so he doesn't crush her, feeling her hands stroke his back and her thigh rub against his side. He lifts his head up after one last kiss to her neck, finding her eyes open. She kisses him before he eases out of her, twice before he moves to his back. He shifts for a moment to dispose of the condom, is quickly back next to her, no space between their bodies.
After her breathing slows to normal, he rolls onto his side and pulls her closer. They kiss, soft and slow, while he inhales the mix of sweat and sex that clings to their bodies and the air. She drapes her leg over the top of his, her warm sex flush against his thigh, causing another surge of desire to shoot through him. It's too soon for him to get hard again and he doesn't feel like disrupting their kissing entirely in order to make his way down her body, so he slides his leg between hers as he holds her hip. She breaks the contact of their mouths so she can gasp out.
"Jack," she says, her voice soft, almost tentative.
She rubs his chest as they start to move together, the motion of her hips making his thigh slick with her arousal. He slides a hand over her ass after they find a rhythm, caressing her before he dips between her legs to her sex. He teases her entrance with two fingertips as she grinds harder against him. She's moaning and groaning as she gets closer until her body tenses and her eyes shut. As she cries out, he whispers near her cheek, "I love making you come." Because she can't be put off by such a declaration while unable to concentrate on anything but the sensations coursing through her. Because if he can't say, I love you, he might as well say, I love this.
She rests her forehead against his chest. Kisses him there. She doesn't move. He doesn't want her to.
End Part 2/4