(no subject)
so i had one of those chained-to-my-LJ hours just now, and re-read all my posts. i was really hoping it would make me feel better, but it just made me so fucking sad.
i feel like i can't go back to chicago again. i want to. i miss you all so much... but every time i go it's just like beating a dead horse and trying to regain this feeling that won't ever come back. i was only there for a semester, and i was on the fringe even then.
i truly miss chessie, maybe for the first time in awhile. along with that, that summer after high school. i'll use that as my reference point that i have at least the ability to be happy.
ever since being in syracuse and having to listen to brendan play that stupid stupid "to find someone you love, you gotta be someone you love" song, it's been stuck in my head, and it terrifies me because i can't think of a time that i ever really loved myself. so was i ever really in love?
i'm thinking about going out into the middle of a field and just spinning around and around and around, and head in the direction i stop in. also, maybe the centrifugal motion from the incessant spinning will help me let go of these things that have just leeched themselves into my core. and i'll be able to sleep at night.
"um, excuse me, michelle. your emo is showing."
i feel like i can't go back to chicago again. i want to. i miss you all so much... but every time i go it's just like beating a dead horse and trying to regain this feeling that won't ever come back. i was only there for a semester, and i was on the fringe even then.
i truly miss chessie, maybe for the first time in awhile. along with that, that summer after high school. i'll use that as my reference point that i have at least the ability to be happy.
ever since being in syracuse and having to listen to brendan play that stupid stupid "to find someone you love, you gotta be someone you love" song, it's been stuck in my head, and it terrifies me because i can't think of a time that i ever really loved myself. so was i ever really in love?
i'm thinking about going out into the middle of a field and just spinning around and around and around, and head in the direction i stop in. also, maybe the centrifugal motion from the incessant spinning will help me let go of these things that have just leeched themselves into my core. and i'll be able to sleep at night.
"um, excuse me, michelle. your emo is showing."