I may bend, but His love never breaks.
Yesterday I broke, most obviously.
Yesterday, I believe that God came and broke me down just as far as I was broken that night. He broke me down when I was desperately alone and refused to even scream at Him as I had become so prone to doing months ago. He let me know what it would feel like to be truly alone; to refuse His love, and just sit and weep, aching on the floor. He did this to teach me an important lesson.
Last night I went to Beyond. a worship night at Calvary Temple. The pastor spoke directly into my heart. It was as though he was speaking to me. As he kept starting phrases with "someone here...." and "the one here who...." I felt as though all eyes were on me, I felt as though I had been found out. I was embarrassed, but I was healing.
Last night I wept. I wept because of all of the hurt that runs through my veins everyday. I wept because I felt as though I was definitely not good enough to receive any of God's love. I wept because yesterday I realized that I did not know what it meant to tell God that I love Him anymore. I have never felt God's arms tighter around my body than I felt last night. He wrapped me in a hug so immense. I was shaking and I was weeping, and I could barely move, let alone speak; and there He was, beside me, most calmly. Arms open wide, "I love you" on His lips, and the biggest smile as He just waited for me to succumb to his love.
You can't do anything to make God love you any MORE and you can't do anything to make God love you any LESS. GOD LOVES YOU!
I gave in. I let the God who I let hold me months ago wrap his arms around me. I let Him back in. I was no longer secluded, no longer the girl in the pew sitting without a man's arm around her shoulders. I was God's lover, once again.
I let God hold me when I was hurting, I let Him take all of the weight onto His shoulders, and I kept it that way for months, and then I let myself forget all of what He had done for me. Only I didn't forget, not really; but oh how I wanted to. The future is frightening, and I'll be the first to admit that I am deathly afraid. I wanted to be able to live it MY way, the way that I could predict, foresee if you will. Well that is not how we are supposed to live. God's plan is the only plan that will come out with the outcome that your life is supposed to have. The results that God has wanted for you ever since He was in existence. So when I went my own way, things didn't get better, no, how could they? God slowly let the hurt that He was still holding for me back into my heart, and there it started to ferment. He let my anger and my bitterness boil until I could not handle it anymore. I tried to make amends with it, I even tried to state outloud my forgiveness in an attempt to let that bitterness out. Nothing was going to work, it was to fail from the start. Well, He let me have it. I'll tell you that much. What happened to me yesterday was EXACTLY what my life would have been like without God and all of the changes that He has made in my life at the point of change.
I literally collapsed, I kept slapping myself on the leg as hard as I could to see if it was even real; I was honestly trying to wake myself up from a nightmare. It was real, and it HURT. I was screaming "OW" because I ached. But I refused, I flat out REFUSED to call upon God in that moment; I still don't know why. I think in my mind I realized that He no longer loved me, that He no longer cared to hold my hand and hold me up from all of my pain. I couldn't have thought up a falser assumption. He wanted me to remember that it was when I was hurting that I allowed Him to wrap his arms around me. Kylee sent me a nooma video today and it stated exactly that. God wants to be able to wrap His arms around you and let you experience His love. He wants those intimate bonding moments where you let yourself get swept away in how much love He has for you. He is not unloving, He does not want you to be traumatized. He wants to let you experience His love. He wants you to remember Him.
He is jealous for me,
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree;
bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.
and oh, how He loves us so.
Oh, how He loves us.
How He loves us so.