look...shes talking again.
i say alot when no ones listening. i listen to myself better than anyone else does anyways. who would understand? ive been hiding my sadness with fake smiles and trying to convince myself im still sane. but im not. the one that makes me smile, oh my how i love him so, but my sadness certainly cant be a burdon on him. its hard to keep so much inside. all my life ive tried so hard to make everyone else around me smile. i thought it made me happy. knowing they were happy. but when they werent smiling anymore what was i left with? the same look they had on thier face. now im trying to do what i can to make ME happy for once. but all im left with is this guilty feeling. like all im doing is wrong. im so happy with what can happen. but if i let it happen how much more of this can i take? i think too much. i dont even know what to think anymore. my mind just wonders. it takes me places i never wanted to go. discovering new depths of hardship people should never see. no one deserves to be miserable. its not fair. this place i used to call home feels like the place i never wanted to be. the place i thought i could turn to, is now the place im running away from. i cant stand these people anymore. this chaos. this psychotic environment. the pseudo "i love you's". it isnt right. nothing feels right. my mom, the one i always thought i could share my thoughts with, i cant be in the same room for more than 30 seconds without and arugement or looks of anger glaring across the room. i can feel it. the madness that lingers here. and i...ME...myself. the one I am living for, just cannot take it ANYMORE....i quit my job. who knew, right? but i found a better one already. bullhead health club. a gym. with nice people and amazing equipment. its laid back and fantastic and knowing my luck because i love it ill be "let go" with no specific reasoning...but we'll see i guess. im on a good path i think, even tho those i used to hold so close to my heart feel as though if i keep going this route my world is going to end, im still traveling it. with my head as high as i can possibly hold it without breaking my god damned neck, or causing it too much strain of course. im sorry im not living your life for you anymore. im finally seeing through my own eyes. and im going to learn to love it. and if death becomes me, so be it, at least i can die on the verge of happiness and with a tad bit of courage. so best wishes without my voice. fuck off, and goodnite.
with a special thanks to those who are still on my side. i love you.