Woah now...
Alright my last entry post, it was how I was feeling at that moment. You took it too personal. Chris I do like you a lot. Like you have no idea. But you are so far away. I've dealt with long distance relationships. They suck. They hurt. I become all paranoid/suspicious/controlling/obsessive, and then I get wandering eyes. I hate being like that. With you being so far away, I have no control over you. I hate not having control. That is why I have men issues. Like I was told by my friend Kyle, when he was away, he could not help but think about other girls since his gf wasn't there. Now don't tell me that you don't think about other women and flirt a little. Even my ex boyfriend was there when Kyle said that and Rick admitted it. He said all men do that. That is what leads to all my relationship problems, feeling like I have to compete with other women. I shouldn't have to. That is why I don't commit to great looking guys like you, because I know that the girls are looking at you. You have no idea how that makes me feel.
I'm very very very insecure. I guess you could say that that is one of the reasons I do drugs. It gets me away. I don't feel anything, I'm numb to all emotion. It just makes me lay there and giggle and be actually happy. Yes I am attempting to stop if that means anything to you. I know how to say no, and I have been. Yes I am going through withdrawls. But I am dealing with that like a champ. I am trying as hard as I can to be a better person. I really am but some old habbits are hard to break.
And I hate so much that you care about me. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! It is only going to lead to my heart breaking.
My dad always told me that he will be the only man to ever truly love me. Love me with true pure love. And I have come to live with that. That is how I've learn to use men. "They will love you until they get what they want." Quote from Dad. And I'm so fucking insecure, I really think that they love me, and sex is how they prove that they love me. Stupid me. Stupid me for thinking that I'll ever have true love again. Stupid me for ever having sex. I regret every person I had sex with. Sex ruins everything.
I want to be a virgin again, and be innocent like how I was with Justin. It was perfect with him. We waited a year to finally have sex because it was special to us. We truly loved eachother. But I know I will never have that again. I will never be a virgin again. I will never be pure and innocent. I hate myself.
Speaking of hating myself...I'm scared. I watched a show last night about the devil. It scared me so bad. I don't want to go to hell. I want to be with God. I want to follow his path and become good. Maybe that is my problem. I don't believe in God, and now the Devil is taking over and making me do bad things...If I only could resist these bad things. Then I can change. Then be better.
I'm so depressed. I hate it.
Christopher, you don't know anything about me. So here is everything. The good and the bad, but its the truth.
-My parents have just recently divorced. Their names are Michael and Deborah
-I have an older half sister named Christina(27), and two full sisters Nicole(14)and Ashley(13)
-I am in love with my girls Soulmate, Poopsie, Pookie, Wifey, and Kitten. They keep me youthful.
-I am clinically depressed.
-I've tried to commit suicide multiple times.
-My first true love was Justin John Martin. We were high school sweethearts.
-I've cheated in relationships.
-I lie when I need to. Only so it doesn't hurt others.
-I fall in love easy
-I fall out of love just as fast
-I am cursed, every guy I meet tends to crush on me.
-When I break up with someone, I always have another man to fall back on.
-My family and friends mean the world to me. I'd do anything for them.
-If anyone fucks with my family for friends, you fuck with me, no matter how big you are, guy or girl, I will rip you to streds.
-I have a heart disease. Mitrovalve Prolapse, and it will probably be the death of me.
-I just recently had a seizure...like as in a few days ago. I haven't been the same since.
-Yesterday I died my hair. The back half is pink.
-I am in love with skulls
-I am not afraid of death, I'm just afraid of where I will go.
-My dead grandfather comes and visits me in my dreams sometimes.
-When I do a tarot reading, its more than that, I can see into the persons mind and what they are thinking.
-Kara Kirchner(Wife) is the first girl that I ever truly had a crush on, and I still do.
-I am a cutter.
-I am vain
-I love blankets and pillows
-I am obsessed with Hello Kitty
-I like dirty rap music
-I am a pervert
-I am scared to be alone
-I am scared of spiders
-I am scared of the dark
-I believe in UFOs
-I am jealous of pure people
-I want to date a virgin so sex isn't an issue.
-I an very close with my parents. I tell them everything. They know me better than I know myself.
-I love diet coke
-I am alergic to latex
-Pills make me itch
-I used to be anorexic and bulemic.
-I don't like beer
-I love my laptop
-I love pornos
-I want to be a suicide girl
-I can't do dishes, it makes me gag.
-I was a CNA (certified nursing assistant) for a year and a half, and I worked at a nursing home.
-I've watched my residents die, and have taken care of dead bodies.
-I love surgeries, and have seen live surgeries in person, and helped in them.
-My favorite surgery I saw was an amputation
-I am going to be a doctor. Most likely a family physician.
-I don't see myself getting married, but I do want a son. Samuel Michael.
-I am attracted to guys with black hair and blue eyes. or guys wirh curly hair.
-I am in love with Heath Ledger for my favorite actor
-I am in love with Angelina Jolie for my favorite actress
-I miss my past. I miss being in high school dating Justin and having my group of friends-Haley, Ashley, Teresa, Marisa, Corey, Chad, Katie, Heather, and Nicole
-It's hard for me to be in a relationship with a guy who has a small penis.
-I have never had an orgasim with anyone besides myself.
-I have faked orgasims before
-When in a relationship I am obsessive, controlling, paranoid, hurtful, bitch, cunt, and I like to push to see what their limits are.
-My best friends are Nicole (sister), Sarah (Mimi), Kati (Kiki), Kara (Wife)
-I love to sleep
-I love to cuddle
-I am followed by imps.
-I love the sound of the piano
-The first person I've ever been in lust with was Kale Hensen
-I have been raped
-I love music
-I love oldies
-I want to be a rockibilly girl.
-I want to be with a gentleman, one who opens doors, polite, pulls out chairs, one who doesn't ask for sex, buys you presents for no reason, says I love you and means it, doesn't rush into anything etc, loves me and only me.
-I would marry a rich old man on his death bed. I see nothing wrong with that. If you truly love someone it doesn't matter how old they are.
-I have developed feelings for my residents/patients before. Not anything sexual, but I have fallen in love with them.
-I am cursed with the evil eye. If I am truly mad at someone, something bad happens to them.
-I always get revenge
-I am not a morning person
-I still sleep with my parents
-When I get older I will most likely have a drinking problem because I love alcohol a little to much
-I have almost drowned
-I hate myself
-I love shopping
-I love being spoiled. I think every man should spoil his girl
-I hate eating fast food.
-I love cereal
-I love pop tarts
-I talk to myself
-I love colar bones and pelvic bones
-I love going to the arcade with my dad
-I love to fish
-I love animals
-I hate change
-I love flipflops
-I miss being silly
-I hate my piercings sometimes
-I hate that I've let myself go
-I miss my long red hair
-I regret a lot of things
-I want to be skinny.
-I hate being "cute"
-I love coffee
-I love water
-I love bubble baths
-I tend to lead people on
-I think all my saginaw friends are the coolest people that I've ever met. Mimi, Kiki, Nikki, D, J, Nick, Kyle, Tony...so many of you!
-I can't wait to grow up and start my career
-I can't wait to have a family
-I want to be the cool soccer/football mom with the mini van
-I do want to get married and stay married to that person for the rest of my life. No divorces, I don't believe in them.
-I miss my ninjas
-I have lots of funny stories.
-I tend to get over-emotional at times.
-I get blinded by rage and tend to do things I shouldn't
-I am very moody
-I have stopped taking my prozac
-I don't take my heart pills anymore
-I am very picky when it comes to teeth, if you don't have good teeth I won't date you.
-I had braces for three years
-I had bad acne
-I wear glasses
-I don't like neckalaces, rings, braceletts, earrings
-I don't like being girly, I'd rather go outside and play and get grass stains or climb trees
-I am a Gemini on the cusp of Cancer, so that causes a lot of bi-polarness and depression. One minute I'm the life of the party and the next I'm hidden in my shell depressed.
-I hate driving at night
-I have a tendencey to fall asleep at the wheel
-I love going on road trips though
-I am alergic to the nickel in metal
-I get impetigo on my ears at times.
-I've slept with too many men.
That is only some of it. I honestly am not this great person you think I am. I'm just like every other person...just a lot crazier.
I'm very very very insecure. I guess you could say that that is one of the reasons I do drugs. It gets me away. I don't feel anything, I'm numb to all emotion. It just makes me lay there and giggle and be actually happy. Yes I am attempting to stop if that means anything to you. I know how to say no, and I have been. Yes I am going through withdrawls. But I am dealing with that like a champ. I am trying as hard as I can to be a better person. I really am but some old habbits are hard to break.
And I hate so much that you care about me. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! It is only going to lead to my heart breaking.
My dad always told me that he will be the only man to ever truly love me. Love me with true pure love. And I have come to live with that. That is how I've learn to use men. "They will love you until they get what they want." Quote from Dad. And I'm so fucking insecure, I really think that they love me, and sex is how they prove that they love me. Stupid me. Stupid me for thinking that I'll ever have true love again. Stupid me for ever having sex. I regret every person I had sex with. Sex ruins everything.
I want to be a virgin again, and be innocent like how I was with Justin. It was perfect with him. We waited a year to finally have sex because it was special to us. We truly loved eachother. But I know I will never have that again. I will never be a virgin again. I will never be pure and innocent. I hate myself.
Speaking of hating myself...I'm scared. I watched a show last night about the devil. It scared me so bad. I don't want to go to hell. I want to be with God. I want to follow his path and become good. Maybe that is my problem. I don't believe in God, and now the Devil is taking over and making me do bad things...If I only could resist these bad things. Then I can change. Then be better.
I'm so depressed. I hate it.
Christopher, you don't know anything about me. So here is everything. The good and the bad, but its the truth.
-My parents have just recently divorced. Their names are Michael and Deborah
-I have an older half sister named Christina(27), and two full sisters Nicole(14)and Ashley(13)
-I am in love with my girls Soulmate, Poopsie, Pookie, Wifey, and Kitten. They keep me youthful.
-I am clinically depressed.
-I've tried to commit suicide multiple times.
-My first true love was Justin John Martin. We were high school sweethearts.
-I've cheated in relationships.
-I lie when I need to. Only so it doesn't hurt others.
-I fall in love easy
-I fall out of love just as fast
-I am cursed, every guy I meet tends to crush on me.
-When I break up with someone, I always have another man to fall back on.
-My family and friends mean the world to me. I'd do anything for them.
-If anyone fucks with my family for friends, you fuck with me, no matter how big you are, guy or girl, I will rip you to streds.
-I have a heart disease. Mitrovalve Prolapse, and it will probably be the death of me.
-I just recently had a seizure...like as in a few days ago. I haven't been the same since.
-Yesterday I died my hair. The back half is pink.
-I am in love with skulls
-I am not afraid of death, I'm just afraid of where I will go.
-My dead grandfather comes and visits me in my dreams sometimes.
-When I do a tarot reading, its more than that, I can see into the persons mind and what they are thinking.
-Kara Kirchner(Wife) is the first girl that I ever truly had a crush on, and I still do.
-I am a cutter.
-I am vain
-I love blankets and pillows
-I am obsessed with Hello Kitty
-I like dirty rap music
-I am a pervert
-I am scared to be alone
-I am scared of spiders
-I am scared of the dark
-I believe in UFOs
-I am jealous of pure people
-I want to date a virgin so sex isn't an issue.
-I an very close with my parents. I tell them everything. They know me better than I know myself.
-I love diet coke
-I am alergic to latex
-Pills make me itch
-I used to be anorexic and bulemic.
-I don't like beer
-I love my laptop
-I love pornos
-I want to be a suicide girl
-I can't do dishes, it makes me gag.
-I was a CNA (certified nursing assistant) for a year and a half, and I worked at a nursing home.
-I've watched my residents die, and have taken care of dead bodies.
-I love surgeries, and have seen live surgeries in person, and helped in them.
-My favorite surgery I saw was an amputation
-I am going to be a doctor. Most likely a family physician.
-I don't see myself getting married, but I do want a son. Samuel Michael.
-I am attracted to guys with black hair and blue eyes. or guys wirh curly hair.
-I am in love with Heath Ledger for my favorite actor
-I am in love with Angelina Jolie for my favorite actress
-I miss my past. I miss being in high school dating Justin and having my group of friends-Haley, Ashley, Teresa, Marisa, Corey, Chad, Katie, Heather, and Nicole
-It's hard for me to be in a relationship with a guy who has a small penis.
-I have never had an orgasim with anyone besides myself.
-I have faked orgasims before
-When in a relationship I am obsessive, controlling, paranoid, hurtful, bitch, cunt, and I like to push to see what their limits are.
-My best friends are Nicole (sister), Sarah (Mimi), Kati (Kiki), Kara (Wife)
-I love to sleep
-I love to cuddle
-I am followed by imps.
-I love the sound of the piano
-The first person I've ever been in lust with was Kale Hensen
-I have been raped
-I love music
-I love oldies
-I want to be a rockibilly girl.
-I want to be with a gentleman, one who opens doors, polite, pulls out chairs, one who doesn't ask for sex, buys you presents for no reason, says I love you and means it, doesn't rush into anything etc, loves me and only me.
-I would marry a rich old man on his death bed. I see nothing wrong with that. If you truly love someone it doesn't matter how old they are.
-I have developed feelings for my residents/patients before. Not anything sexual, but I have fallen in love with them.
-I am cursed with the evil eye. If I am truly mad at someone, something bad happens to them.
-I always get revenge
-I am not a morning person
-I still sleep with my parents
-When I get older I will most likely have a drinking problem because I love alcohol a little to much
-I have almost drowned
-I hate myself
-I love shopping
-I love being spoiled. I think every man should spoil his girl
-I hate eating fast food.
-I love cereal
-I love pop tarts
-I talk to myself
-I love colar bones and pelvic bones
-I love going to the arcade with my dad
-I love to fish
-I love animals
-I hate change
-I love flipflops
-I miss being silly
-I hate my piercings sometimes
-I hate that I've let myself go
-I miss my long red hair
-I regret a lot of things
-I want to be skinny.
-I hate being "cute"
-I love coffee
-I love water
-I love bubble baths
-I tend to lead people on
-I think all my saginaw friends are the coolest people that I've ever met. Mimi, Kiki, Nikki, D, J, Nick, Kyle, Tony...so many of you!
-I can't wait to grow up and start my career
-I can't wait to have a family
-I want to be the cool soccer/football mom with the mini van
-I do want to get married and stay married to that person for the rest of my life. No divorces, I don't believe in them.
-I miss my ninjas
-I have lots of funny stories.
-I tend to get over-emotional at times.
-I get blinded by rage and tend to do things I shouldn't
-I am very moody
-I have stopped taking my prozac
-I don't take my heart pills anymore
-I am very picky when it comes to teeth, if you don't have good teeth I won't date you.
-I had braces for three years
-I had bad acne
-I wear glasses
-I don't like neckalaces, rings, braceletts, earrings
-I don't like being girly, I'd rather go outside and play and get grass stains or climb trees
-I am a Gemini on the cusp of Cancer, so that causes a lot of bi-polarness and depression. One minute I'm the life of the party and the next I'm hidden in my shell depressed.
-I hate driving at night
-I have a tendencey to fall asleep at the wheel
-I love going on road trips though
-I am alergic to the nickel in metal
-I get impetigo on my ears at times.
-I've slept with too many men.
That is only some of it. I honestly am not this great person you think I am. I'm just like every other person...just a lot crazier.