Confessions...
Ricktor001: ugh
michelleann8705: hwawt?
Ricktor001: ughnnhg?
michelleann8705: liaedfhkaweoihf
michelleann8705: lol
Ricktor001: farfurnuggein!
Ricktor001: (actual word)
michelleann8705: no awy
michelleann8705: *way
Ricktor001: way
Ricktor001: it german
Ricktor001: bitch!
Ricktor001: lol
Ricktor001: jk
michelleann8705: rick...not the right thing to say to me right now
Ricktor001: sorry
Ricktor001: im just tryin to lighten things up
michelleann8705: i kno
michelleann8705: its just not going to happen
michelleann8705: a bad week
michelleann8705: hell no
Ricktor001: yar
michelleann8705: a bad past few says
Ricktor001: yar
Ricktor001: me too
michelleann8705: oh you have no idea
Ricktor001: but im just good at tryin tobe optimistic
michelleann8705: not me
Ricktor001: yar
Ricktor001: i noticed
michelleann8705: i'm about to break down...
Ricktor001: not alot of people are nowadays
Ricktor001: oh michelle
Ricktor001: please dont
Ricktor001: its gonna be fine
michelleann8705: i kno, i just need to get away
Ricktor001: everything, one way or another, ends up being fine
michelleann8705: yea i kno
michelleann8705: but i need an excape
Ricktor001: have any ideas?
Ricktor001: aww
Ricktor001: i wish i could help u
Ricktor001: but for some reason i get the feeling that if i try
Ricktor001: id make things worse
michelleann8705: i have a good idea for me
michelleann8705: but not good in others eyes
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: whats ur idea?
Ricktor001: i wont judge
michelleann8705: my wrist
Ricktor001: aww michelle
Ricktor001: cmon
Ricktor001: how will that help
michelleann8705: see
michelleann8705: i hate explaining it because no one understands
Ricktor001: ok
Ricktor001: but please michelle
Ricktor001: just think
Ricktor001: when u do that
Ricktor001: who r u doing it for?
Ricktor001: urself?
Ricktor001: people care about u michelle
michelleann8705: i'm not going to kill myself
Ricktor001: it hurts us when u do that
Ricktor001: i know
michelleann8705: no it doesn't
Ricktor001: it hurts me
michelleann8705: you guys just think i'm dumb for doing it
michelleann8705: no it doesn't
Ricktor001: and u cant say it doesnt
Ricktor001: cause u dont know
michelleann8705: if i did it you wouldn't even kno
Ricktor001: maybe not
Ricktor001: but thats not the point
michelleann8705: what is the point?
Ricktor001: that u need to think about how it makes others feel besides yourself
Ricktor001: whether we know or not
Ricktor001: how would u feel if i did it?
michelleann8705: i would understand wy
michelleann8705: *why
michelleann8705: because i know why i do it
Ricktor001: why do u
Ricktor001: just tell me
Ricktor001: even if u think i wont understand
michelleann8705: it helps me get away...just for awhile
Ricktor001: cause u focus on the pain rather than reality
michelleann8705: it helps me to be selfish for once
michelleann8705: yes
Ricktor001: i know all about it
Ricktor001: but i do it in a different way
Ricktor001: there are other ways, better ways of doing it, michelle
michelleann8705: yea
michelleann8705: well i like mine just fine
Ricktor001: i wish i could change ur mind about it
Ricktor001: please dont
Ricktor001: what can i do to stop u?
michelleann8705: nothing
Ricktor001: r u sure?
michelleann8705: yes
Ricktor001: i doubt that for some reason
Ricktor001: im really tempted to come over there
michelleann8705: don't it won't change my mind
Ricktor001: would u really do that in front of me?
michelleann8705: i would
michelleann8705: i don't care
Ricktor001: lets find out shall we?
michelleann8705: do not come over
Ricktor001: y
michelleann8705: i dont want you to see me like this
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: i just want to help u michelle
michelleann8705: i'm fine
Ricktor001: dont do thid
Ricktor001: this
michelleann8705: fine i won't
Ricktor001: r u sure?
michelleann8705: yep
Ricktor001: or r u lying to me
michelleann8705: idk am i?
Ricktor001: to shut me up
Ricktor001: dont shut me out
Ricktor001: talk to me
Ricktor001: let me know what is wrong
michelleann8705: i can't tell you
Ricktor001: u can tell me anything
Ricktor001: i wont judge
Ricktor001: and i wont say anything to anyone
michelleann8705: i won't
michelleann8705: i can't
Ricktor001: i swear
Ricktor001: y not?
michelleann8705: i've made to many mistakes lately
Ricktor001: havent we all
Ricktor001: look michelle
Ricktor001: if u cant talk about it
Ricktor001: than i really dont have much other choice
michelleann8705: you are not coming over
michelleann8705: i'm ashamed of myself
Ricktor001: then talk to me
Ricktor001: i told u
Ricktor001: u can tell me anything
Ricktor001: i wont think any less of u
michelleann8705: yes you will
Ricktor001: it cant be worse than anything ive done
michelleann8705: you won't look at me the same
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: i love
Ricktor001: u
Ricktor001: nothing can change how i look at u
michelleann8705: there is a lot you don't know about me
Ricktor001: i know
Ricktor001: cause u wont tell me
Ricktor001: belive me
Ricktor001: ive heard the worst or the worst
Ricktor001: u can litterally tell me anything
Ricktor001: and i wont think any less of you
Ricktor001: just trust me
Ricktor001: ...
michelleann8705: ialright...
michelleann8705: here goes nothing
michelleann8705: after we broke up, I decide to be good, wait a long time to have sex and to stay away from boys and all that
michelleann8705: well then my status is single on myspace, I got a lot of messages from guys who want to date me and stuff
michelleann8705: well I just wanted it all to be innocent dates and everything
michelleann8705: well the first one I eventually did go on, Kara came with me, and we played naughty truth or date
michelleann8705: *dare
michelleann8705: and then before the date we had our friend pat and dave come over and we played naughty truth or date
michelleann8705: *dare
michelleann8705: but i was good that time
michelleann8705: and then yesterday we drank a little
michelleann8705: and I invited someone over that I barely knew
michelleann8705: and had sex
michelleann8705: and i'm so ashamed of myself
Ricktor001: i see
michelleann8705: i promised myself i would not do that again
michelleann8705: i promised myself I wouldn't be a whore again
michelleann8705: rick you have no idea about my past
Ricktor001: i can understand
michelleann8705: i seriously was a whore
michelleann8705: i've slept with so many people...
michelleann8705: and I just thought when i get to college i could change
michelleann8705: be a better person
Ricktor001: michelle
michelleann8705: guess i can't change
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: thats a rally hard habit to break
Ricktor001: really*
Ricktor001: and have you been doing better since youve been in college?
michelleann8705: being a whore
Ricktor001: sex in general
michelleann8705: yes a lot better
michelleann8705: but i broke down and had sex with a stranger
Ricktor001: the fact that u messed up once doesnt mean ur done for
Ricktor001: it happens
michelleann8705: and the other 10 strangers before
Ricktor001: in college?
michelleann8705: no
michelleann8705: in high school
Ricktor001: i know
michelleann8705: rick i slept with 17 people
Ricktor001: but uve been trying to change since college
Ricktor001: its ok
Ricktor001: i understand
Ricktor001: uve done some stupid shit
Ricktor001: so have i
Ricktor001: its in the past
Ricktor001: forgive yourself
michelleann8705: i can't
Ricktor001: and start over
Ricktor001: michelle
michelleann8705: i can never look at sex the same
michelleann8705: it has no meaning anymore
Ricktor001: are u saying it didnt have meaning for u and i?
Ricktor001: not to make you feel worse
Ricktor001: ?
michelleann8705: kinda not really...
michelleann8705: i don't know
michelleann8705: i don't remember what making love is anymore
Ricktor001: yeah
Ricktor001: look
Ricktor001: i respect you for being able to tell me this
Ricktor001: im probably the last person u wanted toknow about it
michelleann8705: yea i never thought i'd tell you
Ricktor001: but u did
Ricktor001: and it did kinda hurt me alot
michelleann8705: how do you think i feel
Ricktor001: i know...
michelleann8705: do you understand why i cut now
Ricktor001: i understand why u dont respect yourself yes
Ricktor001: but michelle
Ricktor001: theres more to life
Ricktor001: i stillrespect you
michelleann8705: yea but not as much now
Ricktor001: not true
Ricktor001: more so
Ricktor001: as a human
Ricktor001: and im sure u can still feel love
Ricktor001: u just have to figure out how
Ricktor001: u have to understand
Ricktor001: that love doesnt come from sex
Ricktor001: but that sex should come out of love
Ricktor001: and its prolly gonna be a long time before u learn that fully
Ricktor001: r u still there?
Ricktor001: michelle?
Ricktor001: oh shit
michelleann8705: i'm stilly here
michelleann8705: *still
Ricktor001: ok
michelleann8705: i'm just bawling my eyes out
Ricktor001: its ok
michelleann8705: because the truth finally came over
michelleann8705: *out
Ricktor001: ya
Ricktor001: its okmichelle
Ricktor001: u were honest
michelleann8705: its not okay
Ricktor001: thats really important
Ricktor001: i know its not
Ricktor001: im not saying it is
michelleann8705: i hate myself so mmuch
michelleann8705: *much
Ricktor001: look
Ricktor001: ur human
Ricktor001: for the longest time
Ricktor001: nm
Ricktor001: u make mistakes
michelleann8705: brb
Ricktor001: ok
Ricktor001: hurry or ill worry
michelleann8705: back
michelleann8705: sorry kara and i had to talk
michelleann8705: i had to explain why i am crying
Ricktor001: ah
michelleann8705: yea
michelleann8705: like a fucking baby
Ricktor001: its ok
Ricktor001: at least u feel bad
Ricktor001: rather than not feeling anything at all
Ricktor001: which shows that ur not a whore
Ricktor001: not completely
michelleann8705: i am too
Ricktor001: ok
Ricktor001: but the point is
Ricktor001: u made mistakes
Ricktor001: u tried to stop
Ricktor001: and u slipped again
Ricktor001: is this why u felt so shitty today?
Ricktor001: or was it really a hangover
Ricktor001: not the point
Ricktor001: anyway
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: the point is
Ricktor001: that u can still turn around
Ricktor001: all hope is not lost
Ricktor001: just try harder next time
michelleann8705: yea
michelleann8705: i kno
Ricktor001: but first
Ricktor001: u have to forgive yourself
Ricktor001: or else you willlose hope
michelleann8705: i can't forgive myself
Ricktor001: yes u can
Ricktor001: itll take some time
Ricktor001: but u can do it
michelleann8705: idk
michelleann8705: this is why i hate men too
Ricktor001: see
Ricktor001: theres another problem
Ricktor001: u cant blame the opposite gender for everything
Ricktor001: thats another thing u have to learn
Ricktor001: we have feeling just like you do
michelleann8705: i kno
Ricktor001: thats the big mistake that womanizers fall into
michelleann8705: yea i kno
Ricktor001: they treat woman like objects rather than people
michelleann8705: yep
Ricktor001: who says that girls cant do that to men
Ricktor001: im not bashin on you or anything
Ricktor001: im just tryin to help u see where u may have gone wrong
Ricktor001: and try to help you make a change
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: i just want you to be happy
Ricktor001: i dont care what it takes
michelleann8705: idk
Ricktor001: how early do u have class tommorrow?
Ricktor001: nm
michelleann8705: i have class at 5:30
Ricktor001: ok
Ricktor001: so sleep isnt an issue thankfully
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: i hope im helping u in some way
michelleann8705: kinda
Ricktor001: im doing the best i caan givin i can only talk to u onaim
michelleann8705: i know
Ricktor001: if it were my choice wed be face to face
Ricktor001: but that would have made it soo hard on you to tell me wht u told me
michelleann8705: i know but i could look at you
Ricktor001: i understand u feel alot of shame now
Ricktor001: its completely within reason
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: but i dont want u to think im mad or anything
Ricktor001: ill admit im a little hurt
Ricktor001: but ill get over it
michelleann8705: i'm so sorry
michelleann8705: i should have never told you
Ricktor001: no no
Ricktor001: its a good thing u told me
Ricktor001: i needed to hear it
Ricktor001: nobodys perfect michelle
Ricktor001: nobody
Ricktor001: what u really need to do is forgive youself and promise yourself u will try harder next time
Ricktor001: ok?
michelleann8705: ok
michelleann8705: its going to be hard
Ricktor001: yes it is
Ricktor001: and it prolly wont happen instantly
Ricktor001: but ignoring it wont help at all
Ricktor001: it will only prolong it
Ricktor001: u could prolly use a drink
Ricktor001: lol
Ricktor001: ;-)
Ricktor001: just kidding
Ricktor001: but think of it this way
Ricktor001: now that uve told me
Ricktor001: ur not bottling up all that guilt
Ricktor001: anymore
Ricktor001: so i can guarentee u that u will feel alot better
michelleann8705: yea i do
Ricktor001: thats good
Ricktor001: still thinkin of cutting?
michelleann8705: yes
Ricktor001: why
Ricktor001: is there something u havent told me?
michelleann8705: no i just need to do it
Ricktor001: or do i have to come over there
Ricktor001: k
Ricktor001: guess im coming over
michelleann8705: no
michelleann8705: seriously
michelleann8705: don't
Ricktor001: then dont do it
michelleann8705: fine
Ricktor001: and dont just tell me u wont
Ricktor001: i need to know u wonrt
Ricktor001: wont*
michelleann8705: i won't
Ricktor001: pi cant stand the thought ofu doing that to yourself
Ricktor001: r u lieing?
Ricktor001: u r arent u?
Ricktor001: michelle
michelleann8705: i won't
Ricktor001: then meet me outside somewhere
Ricktor001: so illknow if ur tellin the truth
michelleann8705: i won't
michelleann8705: i promise
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: ur a good person
Ricktor001: i know u can change
michelleann8705: yea i kno
michelleann8705: actually thats a lie
michelleann8705: i'm not a good person
Ricktor001: yes u r
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: since i first met u i could tell u had a dark past
Ricktor001: and i could see that u r trying to make things right
Ricktor001: this drama is not all u have going on in your life right now
Ricktor001: theres soo much
michelleann8705: i know
michelleann8705: its so stressful
michelleann8705: im so stressed
Ricktor001: i nknow it is
Ricktor001: trost me i know
michelleann8705: my heart is taking the toll
michelleann8705: it hurts so bad
michelleann8705: i just wish sometimes that my valve would just give up and quit
Ricktor001: i know how u feel
Ricktor001: i feel the same way sometimes
Ricktor001: but it all gets better in time
Ricktor001: i know its really hard to waqit it out
Ricktor001: and its the last thing u want to hear right now
Ricktor001: but u need to be patient
Ricktor001: ur gonna be fine
michelleann8705: eh
michelleann8705: i don't want to be fi ne
Ricktor001: y not?
Ricktor001: please michelle
Ricktor001: just calm down
Ricktor001: the truths out
Ricktor001: what else could be hurting you
Ricktor001: oh ya
Ricktor001: u know u parked right next to me?
Ricktor001: lol
michelleann8705: i know
Ricktor001: not the point
Ricktor001: sorry
Ricktor001: a.d.d.
Ricktor001: lol
Ricktor001: uve let it out
Ricktor001: so why r u still stressed?
Ricktor001: r u worried that ull never change>
Ricktor001: ?
michelleann8705: yes
Ricktor001: well u can
Ricktor001: i never thought i would for the longest time
Ricktor001: but i did
Ricktor001: u know u can
Ricktor001: i know u can
Ricktor001: im not saying ull never make another mistake
Ricktor001: its a possibility
michelleann8705: i know
michelleann8705: its just so hard
Ricktor001: i know it
Ricktor001: is
Ricktor001: and ill always be here if u need help
Ricktor001: how do u think i felt when i broke ur heart?
Ricktor001: i wanted to die for about a week
Ricktor001: but i forgave myself and thank be to god so did u
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: and im mostly over it
Ricktor001: i still feel bad
Ricktor001: ill prolly never forget it
Ricktor001: but it doesnt bring me down anymore
Ricktor001: the same will happen to u
michelleann8705: idk
Ricktor001: i do
Ricktor001: ur just not in the state to think about it that way
Ricktor001: tommorrow everything will be a little bit easier
Ricktor001: and the day after
Ricktor001: till you realize that u can stop yourself
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: and that u have reall changed
Ricktor001: really
Ricktor001: *\
Ricktor001: and it was just a mistake
Ricktor001: that wont happen again
Ricktor001: i had always promised myself that i wouldnt fuck outside of relationships
Ricktor001: but i broke that
Ricktor001: and i wont ever again
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: i always thought i could just not have sex with a person unless i was dating them
Ricktor001: and i actually almost proved myself right
Ricktor001: the first time i slept with you i didnt even try
michelleann8705: wait?
Ricktor001: what
michelleann8705: what do you mean "the first time I slept with you I didn't even try"
Ricktor001: when we just cuddled in ur bed that first time
michelleann8705: oh yea
Ricktor001: i didnt try to have sex with you
Ricktor001: but the next time i fucked it right up
Ricktor001: thats why i got cranky for a few days after
Ricktor001: i was afraid to ask you out
Ricktor001: cause i had a feeling i wouldnt think the same of u since i had sex ith you before
michelleann8705: yea
michelleann8705: thats understandable
Ricktor001: right
Ricktor001: and i thought about it too much
Ricktor001: i reallydid love u
Ricktor001: but i wasnt sure cause it was weird
Ricktor001: and i overcomplicated it for myself
Ricktor001: eh
Ricktor001: im rambling
Ricktor001: on a keyboard lol
Ricktor001: i suck at typing
Ricktor001: lol
michelleann8705: its okay
michelleann8705: the truth all comes out
Ricktor001: yeah
Ricktor001: but anyways
Ricktor001: after i hurt u i realized
Ricktor001: that u meant soo much more to me than i thought u did
Ricktor001: and regardless of ur history
Ricktor001: i still feel the same way
michelleann8705: i kno
I'm so ashamed. This is why I cut, I don't respect myself, how could I after what I did? I'm done.
michelleann8705: hwawt?
Ricktor001: ughnnhg?
michelleann8705: liaedfhkaweoihf
michelleann8705: lol
Ricktor001: farfurnuggein!
Ricktor001: (actual word)
michelleann8705: no awy
michelleann8705: *way
Ricktor001: way
Ricktor001: it german
Ricktor001: bitch!
Ricktor001: lol
Ricktor001: jk
michelleann8705: rick...not the right thing to say to me right now
Ricktor001: sorry
Ricktor001: im just tryin to lighten things up
michelleann8705: i kno
michelleann8705: its just not going to happen
michelleann8705: a bad week
michelleann8705: hell no
Ricktor001: yar
michelleann8705: a bad past few says
Ricktor001: yar
Ricktor001: me too
michelleann8705: oh you have no idea
Ricktor001: but im just good at tryin tobe optimistic
michelleann8705: not me
Ricktor001: yar
Ricktor001: i noticed
michelleann8705: i'm about to break down...
Ricktor001: not alot of people are nowadays
Ricktor001: oh michelle
Ricktor001: please dont
Ricktor001: its gonna be fine
michelleann8705: i kno, i just need to get away
Ricktor001: everything, one way or another, ends up being fine
michelleann8705: yea i kno
michelleann8705: but i need an excape
Ricktor001: have any ideas?
Ricktor001: aww
Ricktor001: i wish i could help u
Ricktor001: but for some reason i get the feeling that if i try
Ricktor001: id make things worse
michelleann8705: i have a good idea for me
michelleann8705: but not good in others eyes
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: whats ur idea?
Ricktor001: i wont judge
michelleann8705: my wrist
Ricktor001: aww michelle
Ricktor001: cmon
Ricktor001: how will that help
michelleann8705: see
michelleann8705: i hate explaining it because no one understands
Ricktor001: ok
Ricktor001: but please michelle
Ricktor001: just think
Ricktor001: when u do that
Ricktor001: who r u doing it for?
Ricktor001: urself?
Ricktor001: people care about u michelle
michelleann8705: i'm not going to kill myself
Ricktor001: it hurts us when u do that
Ricktor001: i know
michelleann8705: no it doesn't
Ricktor001: it hurts me
michelleann8705: you guys just think i'm dumb for doing it
michelleann8705: no it doesn't
Ricktor001: and u cant say it doesnt
Ricktor001: cause u dont know
michelleann8705: if i did it you wouldn't even kno
Ricktor001: maybe not
Ricktor001: but thats not the point
michelleann8705: what is the point?
Ricktor001: that u need to think about how it makes others feel besides yourself
Ricktor001: whether we know or not
Ricktor001: how would u feel if i did it?
michelleann8705: i would understand wy
michelleann8705: *why
michelleann8705: because i know why i do it
Ricktor001: why do u
Ricktor001: just tell me
Ricktor001: even if u think i wont understand
michelleann8705: it helps me get away...just for awhile
Ricktor001: cause u focus on the pain rather than reality
michelleann8705: it helps me to be selfish for once
michelleann8705: yes
Ricktor001: i know all about it
Ricktor001: but i do it in a different way
Ricktor001: there are other ways, better ways of doing it, michelle
michelleann8705: yea
michelleann8705: well i like mine just fine
Ricktor001: i wish i could change ur mind about it
Ricktor001: please dont
Ricktor001: what can i do to stop u?
michelleann8705: nothing
Ricktor001: r u sure?
michelleann8705: yes
Ricktor001: i doubt that for some reason
Ricktor001: im really tempted to come over there
michelleann8705: don't it won't change my mind
Ricktor001: would u really do that in front of me?
michelleann8705: i would
michelleann8705: i don't care
Ricktor001: lets find out shall we?
michelleann8705: do not come over
Ricktor001: y
michelleann8705: i dont want you to see me like this
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: i just want to help u michelle
michelleann8705: i'm fine
Ricktor001: dont do thid
Ricktor001: this
michelleann8705: fine i won't
Ricktor001: r u sure?
michelleann8705: yep
Ricktor001: or r u lying to me
michelleann8705: idk am i?
Ricktor001: to shut me up
Ricktor001: dont shut me out
Ricktor001: talk to me
Ricktor001: let me know what is wrong
michelleann8705: i can't tell you
Ricktor001: u can tell me anything
Ricktor001: i wont judge
Ricktor001: and i wont say anything to anyone
michelleann8705: i won't
michelleann8705: i can't
Ricktor001: i swear
Ricktor001: y not?
michelleann8705: i've made to many mistakes lately
Ricktor001: havent we all
Ricktor001: look michelle
Ricktor001: if u cant talk about it
Ricktor001: than i really dont have much other choice
michelleann8705: you are not coming over
michelleann8705: i'm ashamed of myself
Ricktor001: then talk to me
Ricktor001: i told u
Ricktor001: u can tell me anything
Ricktor001: i wont think any less of u
michelleann8705: yes you will
Ricktor001: it cant be worse than anything ive done
michelleann8705: you won't look at me the same
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: i love
Ricktor001: u
Ricktor001: nothing can change how i look at u
michelleann8705: there is a lot you don't know about me
Ricktor001: i know
Ricktor001: cause u wont tell me
Ricktor001: belive me
Ricktor001: ive heard the worst or the worst
Ricktor001: u can litterally tell me anything
Ricktor001: and i wont think any less of you
Ricktor001: just trust me
Ricktor001: ...
michelleann8705: ialright...
michelleann8705: here goes nothing
michelleann8705: after we broke up, I decide to be good, wait a long time to have sex and to stay away from boys and all that
michelleann8705: well then my status is single on myspace, I got a lot of messages from guys who want to date me and stuff
michelleann8705: well I just wanted it all to be innocent dates and everything
michelleann8705: well the first one I eventually did go on, Kara came with me, and we played naughty truth or date
michelleann8705: *dare
michelleann8705: and then before the date we had our friend pat and dave come over and we played naughty truth or date
michelleann8705: *dare
michelleann8705: but i was good that time
michelleann8705: and then yesterday we drank a little
michelleann8705: and I invited someone over that I barely knew
michelleann8705: and had sex
michelleann8705: and i'm so ashamed of myself
Ricktor001: i see
michelleann8705: i promised myself i would not do that again
michelleann8705: i promised myself I wouldn't be a whore again
michelleann8705: rick you have no idea about my past
Ricktor001: i can understand
michelleann8705: i seriously was a whore
michelleann8705: i've slept with so many people...
michelleann8705: and I just thought when i get to college i could change
michelleann8705: be a better person
Ricktor001: michelle
michelleann8705: guess i can't change
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: thats a rally hard habit to break
Ricktor001: really*
Ricktor001: and have you been doing better since youve been in college?
michelleann8705: being a whore
Ricktor001: sex in general
michelleann8705: yes a lot better
michelleann8705: but i broke down and had sex with a stranger
Ricktor001: the fact that u messed up once doesnt mean ur done for
Ricktor001: it happens
michelleann8705: and the other 10 strangers before
Ricktor001: in college?
michelleann8705: no
michelleann8705: in high school
Ricktor001: i know
michelleann8705: rick i slept with 17 people
Ricktor001: but uve been trying to change since college
Ricktor001: its ok
Ricktor001: i understand
Ricktor001: uve done some stupid shit
Ricktor001: so have i
Ricktor001: its in the past
Ricktor001: forgive yourself
michelleann8705: i can't
Ricktor001: and start over
Ricktor001: michelle
michelleann8705: i can never look at sex the same
michelleann8705: it has no meaning anymore
Ricktor001: are u saying it didnt have meaning for u and i?
Ricktor001: not to make you feel worse
Ricktor001: ?
michelleann8705: kinda not really...
michelleann8705: i don't know
michelleann8705: i don't remember what making love is anymore
Ricktor001: yeah
Ricktor001: look
Ricktor001: i respect you for being able to tell me this
Ricktor001: im probably the last person u wanted toknow about it
michelleann8705: yea i never thought i'd tell you
Ricktor001: but u did
Ricktor001: and it did kinda hurt me alot
michelleann8705: how do you think i feel
Ricktor001: i know...
michelleann8705: do you understand why i cut now
Ricktor001: i understand why u dont respect yourself yes
Ricktor001: but michelle
Ricktor001: theres more to life
Ricktor001: i stillrespect you
michelleann8705: yea but not as much now
Ricktor001: not true
Ricktor001: more so
Ricktor001: as a human
Ricktor001: and im sure u can still feel love
Ricktor001: u just have to figure out how
Ricktor001: u have to understand
Ricktor001: that love doesnt come from sex
Ricktor001: but that sex should come out of love
Ricktor001: and its prolly gonna be a long time before u learn that fully
Ricktor001: r u still there?
Ricktor001: michelle?
Ricktor001: oh shit
michelleann8705: i'm stilly here
michelleann8705: *still
Ricktor001: ok
michelleann8705: i'm just bawling my eyes out
Ricktor001: its ok
michelleann8705: because the truth finally came over
michelleann8705: *out
Ricktor001: ya
Ricktor001: its okmichelle
Ricktor001: u were honest
michelleann8705: its not okay
Ricktor001: thats really important
Ricktor001: i know its not
Ricktor001: im not saying it is
michelleann8705: i hate myself so mmuch
michelleann8705: *much
Ricktor001: look
Ricktor001: ur human
Ricktor001: for the longest time
Ricktor001: nm
Ricktor001: u make mistakes
michelleann8705: brb
Ricktor001: ok
Ricktor001: hurry or ill worry
michelleann8705: back
michelleann8705: sorry kara and i had to talk
michelleann8705: i had to explain why i am crying
Ricktor001: ah
michelleann8705: yea
michelleann8705: like a fucking baby
Ricktor001: its ok
Ricktor001: at least u feel bad
Ricktor001: rather than not feeling anything at all
Ricktor001: which shows that ur not a whore
Ricktor001: not completely
michelleann8705: i am too
Ricktor001: ok
Ricktor001: but the point is
Ricktor001: u made mistakes
Ricktor001: u tried to stop
Ricktor001: and u slipped again
Ricktor001: is this why u felt so shitty today?
Ricktor001: or was it really a hangover
Ricktor001: not the point
Ricktor001: anyway
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: the point is
Ricktor001: that u can still turn around
Ricktor001: all hope is not lost
Ricktor001: just try harder next time
michelleann8705: yea
michelleann8705: i kno
Ricktor001: but first
Ricktor001: u have to forgive yourself
Ricktor001: or else you willlose hope
michelleann8705: i can't forgive myself
Ricktor001: yes u can
Ricktor001: itll take some time
Ricktor001: but u can do it
michelleann8705: idk
michelleann8705: this is why i hate men too
Ricktor001: see
Ricktor001: theres another problem
Ricktor001: u cant blame the opposite gender for everything
Ricktor001: thats another thing u have to learn
Ricktor001: we have feeling just like you do
michelleann8705: i kno
Ricktor001: thats the big mistake that womanizers fall into
michelleann8705: yea i kno
Ricktor001: they treat woman like objects rather than people
michelleann8705: yep
Ricktor001: who says that girls cant do that to men
Ricktor001: im not bashin on you or anything
Ricktor001: im just tryin to help u see where u may have gone wrong
Ricktor001: and try to help you make a change
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: i just want you to be happy
Ricktor001: i dont care what it takes
michelleann8705: idk
Ricktor001: how early do u have class tommorrow?
Ricktor001: nm
michelleann8705: i have class at 5:30
Ricktor001: ok
Ricktor001: so sleep isnt an issue thankfully
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: i hope im helping u in some way
michelleann8705: kinda
Ricktor001: im doing the best i caan givin i can only talk to u onaim
michelleann8705: i know
Ricktor001: if it were my choice wed be face to face
Ricktor001: but that would have made it soo hard on you to tell me wht u told me
michelleann8705: i know but i could look at you
Ricktor001: i understand u feel alot of shame now
Ricktor001: its completely within reason
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: but i dont want u to think im mad or anything
Ricktor001: ill admit im a little hurt
Ricktor001: but ill get over it
michelleann8705: i'm so sorry
michelleann8705: i should have never told you
Ricktor001: no no
Ricktor001: its a good thing u told me
Ricktor001: i needed to hear it
Ricktor001: nobodys perfect michelle
Ricktor001: nobody
Ricktor001: what u really need to do is forgive youself and promise yourself u will try harder next time
Ricktor001: ok?
michelleann8705: ok
michelleann8705: its going to be hard
Ricktor001: yes it is
Ricktor001: and it prolly wont happen instantly
Ricktor001: but ignoring it wont help at all
Ricktor001: it will only prolong it
Ricktor001: u could prolly use a drink
Ricktor001: lol
Ricktor001: ;-)
Ricktor001: just kidding
Ricktor001: but think of it this way
Ricktor001: now that uve told me
Ricktor001: ur not bottling up all that guilt
Ricktor001: anymore
Ricktor001: so i can guarentee u that u will feel alot better
michelleann8705: yea i do
Ricktor001: thats good
Ricktor001: still thinkin of cutting?
michelleann8705: yes
Ricktor001: why
Ricktor001: is there something u havent told me?
michelleann8705: no i just need to do it
Ricktor001: or do i have to come over there
Ricktor001: k
Ricktor001: guess im coming over
michelleann8705: no
michelleann8705: seriously
michelleann8705: don't
Ricktor001: then dont do it
michelleann8705: fine
Ricktor001: and dont just tell me u wont
Ricktor001: i need to know u wonrt
Ricktor001: wont*
michelleann8705: i won't
Ricktor001: pi cant stand the thought ofu doing that to yourself
Ricktor001: r u lieing?
Ricktor001: u r arent u?
Ricktor001: michelle
michelleann8705: i won't
Ricktor001: then meet me outside somewhere
Ricktor001: so illknow if ur tellin the truth
michelleann8705: i won't
michelleann8705: i promise
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: ur a good person
Ricktor001: i know u can change
michelleann8705: yea i kno
michelleann8705: actually thats a lie
michelleann8705: i'm not a good person
Ricktor001: yes u r
Ricktor001: michelle
Ricktor001: since i first met u i could tell u had a dark past
Ricktor001: and i could see that u r trying to make things right
Ricktor001: this drama is not all u have going on in your life right now
Ricktor001: theres soo much
michelleann8705: i know
michelleann8705: its so stressful
michelleann8705: im so stressed
Ricktor001: i nknow it is
Ricktor001: trost me i know
michelleann8705: my heart is taking the toll
michelleann8705: it hurts so bad
michelleann8705: i just wish sometimes that my valve would just give up and quit
Ricktor001: i know how u feel
Ricktor001: i feel the same way sometimes
Ricktor001: but it all gets better in time
Ricktor001: i know its really hard to waqit it out
Ricktor001: and its the last thing u want to hear right now
Ricktor001: but u need to be patient
Ricktor001: ur gonna be fine
michelleann8705: eh
michelleann8705: i don't want to be fi ne
Ricktor001: y not?
Ricktor001: please michelle
Ricktor001: just calm down
Ricktor001: the truths out
Ricktor001: what else could be hurting you
Ricktor001: oh ya
Ricktor001: u know u parked right next to me?
Ricktor001: lol
michelleann8705: i know
Ricktor001: not the point
Ricktor001: sorry
Ricktor001: a.d.d.
Ricktor001: lol
Ricktor001: uve let it out
Ricktor001: so why r u still stressed?
Ricktor001: r u worried that ull never change>
Ricktor001: ?
michelleann8705: yes
Ricktor001: well u can
Ricktor001: i never thought i would for the longest time
Ricktor001: but i did
Ricktor001: u know u can
Ricktor001: i know u can
Ricktor001: im not saying ull never make another mistake
Ricktor001: its a possibility
michelleann8705: i know
michelleann8705: its just so hard
Ricktor001: i know it
Ricktor001: is
Ricktor001: and ill always be here if u need help
Ricktor001: how do u think i felt when i broke ur heart?
Ricktor001: i wanted to die for about a week
Ricktor001: but i forgave myself and thank be to god so did u
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: and im mostly over it
Ricktor001: i still feel bad
Ricktor001: ill prolly never forget it
Ricktor001: but it doesnt bring me down anymore
Ricktor001: the same will happen to u
michelleann8705: idk
Ricktor001: i do
Ricktor001: ur just not in the state to think about it that way
Ricktor001: tommorrow everything will be a little bit easier
Ricktor001: and the day after
Ricktor001: till you realize that u can stop yourself
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: and that u have reall changed
Ricktor001: really
Ricktor001: *\
Ricktor001: and it was just a mistake
Ricktor001: that wont happen again
Ricktor001: i had always promised myself that i wouldnt fuck outside of relationships
Ricktor001: but i broke that
Ricktor001: and i wont ever again
michelleann8705: yea
Ricktor001: i always thought i could just not have sex with a person unless i was dating them
Ricktor001: and i actually almost proved myself right
Ricktor001: the first time i slept with you i didnt even try
michelleann8705: wait?
Ricktor001: what
michelleann8705: what do you mean "the first time I slept with you I didn't even try"
Ricktor001: when we just cuddled in ur bed that first time
michelleann8705: oh yea
Ricktor001: i didnt try to have sex with you
Ricktor001: but the next time i fucked it right up
Ricktor001: thats why i got cranky for a few days after
Ricktor001: i was afraid to ask you out
Ricktor001: cause i had a feeling i wouldnt think the same of u since i had sex ith you before
michelleann8705: yea
michelleann8705: thats understandable
Ricktor001: right
Ricktor001: and i thought about it too much
Ricktor001: i reallydid love u
Ricktor001: but i wasnt sure cause it was weird
Ricktor001: and i overcomplicated it for myself
Ricktor001: eh
Ricktor001: im rambling
Ricktor001: on a keyboard lol
Ricktor001: i suck at typing
Ricktor001: lol
michelleann8705: its okay
michelleann8705: the truth all comes out
Ricktor001: yeah
Ricktor001: but anyways
Ricktor001: after i hurt u i realized
Ricktor001: that u meant soo much more to me than i thought u did
Ricktor001: and regardless of ur history
Ricktor001: i still feel the same way
michelleann8705: i kno
I'm so ashamed. This is why I cut, I don't respect myself, how could I after what I did? I'm done.