Is there more than one way?
I am stressed... I am tired. I let work consume me. I can't pull away once I'm in... I've always been this way. I eat at my desk. I start early and end late. I work from home most days... I'm exactly as he left me that morning when he gets home at night... Hair in a rushed, sagging ponytail. Teeth unbrushed, glasses and Jammie's on... An empty coffee cup w/the spoon still in it. A plate w/only crumbs on it, all pushed to the far side of my desk... The keyboard, the screens and phone are pretty much all I know during the day.
I miss my creative side. I miss how my mind goes into wonderful swirls of thoughtfulness and colors when I get bored. I knit, sew, cook, paint, read, write short stories, sit quietly in the backyard in a sun beam feeling the warmth soak in with the sounds of leaves russling and birds chirping... I think of surprises I can do/make for family and friends. I love who I am when I get bored.
I told him I wanted to slow down. I said "maybe it's a mid-life crisis". I find myself dreaming of who I am when i allow myself to get bored... I don't dream about the all mighty dollar anymore. He told me to start blocking an hour or two off my calendar during the day... Just to do me-stuff. I told him that doesn't work for me. I've tried that... My personality can't just "unplug" because I have an hour blocked off... Instead I fill the time "catching up" on emails or following up on the 100 different deals I'm juggling. Get an update. Connect some dots. Push it forward... And then the hour is gone. I have hours between meetings sometimes already, but I don't unplug... I do all the other stuff in those moments. And even if I did "unplug", that isn't enough time to allow me to get "bored" and feel those creative bubbles deep inside me start to surface... No. That doesn't work for me.
A few weeks have passed since we had this talk... I brought it up again. He asked "had I blocked those hours on my calendar?"... Meaning, did I try his idea? "No" I said. "That doesn't work for me." He said back "how do you know? You didn't even try." ~I sigh~ "I've tried it before. That doesn't work for me. Not with this job and not with my personality type. I don't know how else to explain that to you. I wish you understood. I'm looking for a different solution. That one won't work. Can you think of a different way?" He says "I think you should give this a try." Now I'm getting frustrated. His tone has changed. He sounds sort of disapointed and frustrated with me. I say to him "You are making me feel defensive now. I'm getting irritated because I feel you judging me." "I'm not" he says... I say "you sound like you think this is my fault because I'm not committing. I'm not disaplined enough to do what you suggest. Am I right?" "Yes" is all he says. ~Inhale. Exhale~ I say "and that is why I get mad. I want you to hear what I'm saying. I want you to understand me. That doesn't work for me. There has to be another way because THAT way doesn't work for me." It ends with him speaking... "Let's drop it. I was just trying to help."
I miss my creative side. I miss how my mind goes into wonderful swirls of thoughtfulness and colors when I get bored. I knit, sew, cook, paint, read, write short stories, sit quietly in the backyard in a sun beam feeling the warmth soak in with the sounds of leaves russling and birds chirping... I think of surprises I can do/make for family and friends. I love who I am when I get bored.
I told him I wanted to slow down. I said "maybe it's a mid-life crisis". I find myself dreaming of who I am when i allow myself to get bored... I don't dream about the all mighty dollar anymore. He told me to start blocking an hour or two off my calendar during the day... Just to do me-stuff. I told him that doesn't work for me. I've tried that... My personality can't just "unplug" because I have an hour blocked off... Instead I fill the time "catching up" on emails or following up on the 100 different deals I'm juggling. Get an update. Connect some dots. Push it forward... And then the hour is gone. I have hours between meetings sometimes already, but I don't unplug... I do all the other stuff in those moments. And even if I did "unplug", that isn't enough time to allow me to get "bored" and feel those creative bubbles deep inside me start to surface... No. That doesn't work for me.
A few weeks have passed since we had this talk... I brought it up again. He asked "had I blocked those hours on my calendar?"... Meaning, did I try his idea? "No" I said. "That doesn't work for me." He said back "how do you know? You didn't even try." ~I sigh~ "I've tried it before. That doesn't work for me. Not with this job and not with my personality type. I don't know how else to explain that to you. I wish you understood. I'm looking for a different solution. That one won't work. Can you think of a different way?" He says "I think you should give this a try." Now I'm getting frustrated. His tone has changed. He sounds sort of disapointed and frustrated with me. I say to him "You are making me feel defensive now. I'm getting irritated because I feel you judging me." "I'm not" he says... I say "you sound like you think this is my fault because I'm not committing. I'm not disaplined enough to do what you suggest. Am I right?" "Yes" is all he says. ~Inhale. Exhale~ I say "and that is why I get mad. I want you to hear what I'm saying. I want you to understand me. That doesn't work for me. There has to be another way because THAT way doesn't work for me." It ends with him speaking... "Let's drop it. I was just trying to help."