Assumptions
Most of us know that making assumptions often gets us in trouble. We try to be mindful about it and resist the error. The problem arises when a person makes an assumption and fails to realize he has done so. Why? Because unconscious assumptions become expectations. And expectations made on incorrect assumptions leads to disappointment.
How do unconscious assumptions get made? Very generally, it occurs when one mistakenly believes that others view life in the exact same way that he does. This can occur for a number of reasons.
It can be due to inexperience - people not being exposed to a different way of thinking, a different culture, a different belief system. They are not fully cognizant that these other perspectives exist and are consequently unable to take them into account. Example: In visiting a small town in Kansas where almost everybody believes in a Christian God (and those that don't aren't talking about it), it was assumed I did as well. (Philosophically, I lean towards Buddhism.) It never occurred to those new, small town, acquaintances that someone they knew might actually believe something different. Different beliefs happened somewhere else.
It can occur when one is a bit self-centered - either as a personality trait or due to a specific circumstance - and simply fails to consider the possibility that other ideas may be in play. This one isn't a matter of being ignorant that other viewpoints exist; it is an error in not taking into account that other viewpoints should be considered. Example: Two people chatting and flirting on an online dating site. Finally they decide to meet. One expects the in-person date to be a continuation of the online chat and flirting; the other believes the first in person encounter is going to lead to sex. Oops!
Probably the most innocent version occurs when someone is excited and wants to share the happy emotion. Example: The extrovert who hears about a new event she wants to attend, and asks a friend, "when do you want to go?" without first ascertaining whether the friend is even interested in attending. In her enthusiasm, she assumes everyone feels the same way about the event that she does. This has happened to me a couple of times. As an introvert, it drains me to be around large groups of people for an extended time, and yet this is where extroverts thrive. They want to share the fun! It can be hard for my extroverted buds to remember that what is fun for them may not be for me.
And there is a special brand of assumption that hails from those suffering some kind of self-esteem issue. The assumption is always negative. Example: A co-worker fails to say hello in the morning as she always does. The person with ego problems automatically assumes that the co-worker is mad at her. The reality may be that the co-worker is worried about something, has had an argument with her significant other, is physically ill - any number of things. This is the most damaging type of assumption as it creates problems where there are none.
The cure for any kind of assumption is two-fold. First, ask yourself, how do I know this? Is it possible I could be wrong? This will usually reveal whether or not you actually know something for a fact or are making a guess. The second part is communication. If you don't know, then ask. You are not required to be a mind-reader. You'll save yourself and those around you confusion at the minimum, and possibly hurt feelings.
*Originally posted to PsychoticToday.com
How do unconscious assumptions get made? Very generally, it occurs when one mistakenly believes that others view life in the exact same way that he does. This can occur for a number of reasons.
It can be due to inexperience - people not being exposed to a different way of thinking, a different culture, a different belief system. They are not fully cognizant that these other perspectives exist and are consequently unable to take them into account. Example: In visiting a small town in Kansas where almost everybody believes in a Christian God (and those that don't aren't talking about it), it was assumed I did as well. (Philosophically, I lean towards Buddhism.) It never occurred to those new, small town, acquaintances that someone they knew might actually believe something different. Different beliefs happened somewhere else.
It can occur when one is a bit self-centered - either as a personality trait or due to a specific circumstance - and simply fails to consider the possibility that other ideas may be in play. This one isn't a matter of being ignorant that other viewpoints exist; it is an error in not taking into account that other viewpoints should be considered. Example: Two people chatting and flirting on an online dating site. Finally they decide to meet. One expects the in-person date to be a continuation of the online chat and flirting; the other believes the first in person encounter is going to lead to sex. Oops!
Probably the most innocent version occurs when someone is excited and wants to share the happy emotion. Example: The extrovert who hears about a new event she wants to attend, and asks a friend, "when do you want to go?" without first ascertaining whether the friend is even interested in attending. In her enthusiasm, she assumes everyone feels the same way about the event that she does. This has happened to me a couple of times. As an introvert, it drains me to be around large groups of people for an extended time, and yet this is where extroverts thrive. They want to share the fun! It can be hard for my extroverted buds to remember that what is fun for them may not be for me.
And there is a special brand of assumption that hails from those suffering some kind of self-esteem issue. The assumption is always negative. Example: A co-worker fails to say hello in the morning as she always does. The person with ego problems automatically assumes that the co-worker is mad at her. The reality may be that the co-worker is worried about something, has had an argument with her significant other, is physically ill - any number of things. This is the most damaging type of assumption as it creates problems where there are none.
The cure for any kind of assumption is two-fold. First, ask yourself, how do I know this? Is it possible I could be wrong? This will usually reveal whether or not you actually know something for a fact or are making a guess. The second part is communication. If you don't know, then ask. You are not required to be a mind-reader. You'll save yourself and those around you confusion at the minimum, and possibly hurt feelings.
*Originally posted to PsychoticToday.com