The Not-So-Good
Hi livejournal. How are you? Well I hope. Facebook is simply crawling with family and friends and I'm having a hard time airing my dirty laundry right now. The truth is that I'm not doing so well and I haven't been for a while now. My confidence is gone out the window. Not to say that I haven't had moments of happiness in the last couple months- just not the kind of happiness that lasts for very long. Let's see, where to start...
I've gained 7 lbs. since the last time I started weight watchers. I am all in 100% for a couple of weeks and I end up eating more and making up for all the food I haven't eaten over the weeks while I was dieting. I am comfortable in my weight- I don't get a lot of attention from men and for some reason I feel guarded. I like that I am not the center of the world- I can't even accept compliments. My weight is at the top of my list of things I'm feeling guilty about. and I know, I know, feeling guilty doesn't help but it's just how I'm feeling right now.
Money is super tight. I'm not sure what happened but this last year has been a nightmare. I've been irresponsible with money that I don't even think we have. Right when I think I have a grasp on things something goes wrong. I need a job but I need something I can stick with and love. I need something with a purpose. I can't seem to commit myself to anything because my heart isn't in anything and everywhere all at the same time.
I'm not sure if I'm depressed because everything is so uncertain and i'm a complete mess or if everything is so uncertain and a complete mess because I'm just depressed. Anyways, I sound terrible now but I think I can pull myself out of this. It's this complicated web that won't seem to clear up. I want to own my own business, go back to school for merchandising, design lingerie, design graphics, paint pictures and just be content with things. I want to lose a lot of weight- and feel healthy and good and busy. I want to go out with friends and not be worried about what tonight is going to do to our week. I want to feel helpful and useful again.
Anyways, my head is killing me. It's 3:08pm and I'm still in bed crying and trying to figure out how to pull off rent this month. I am in terrible shape and simply cannot seem to figure out how to get back up again. Maybe that's the difference this time- usually it only takes a little while and then I can get back up. I've been down for a long time now. I'm scared I'm starting a pattern.
There is some good news. I've had 3 interviews now with Nordstrom Brea for the lingerie counter. They're going to call me by friday and let me know If I have the job. The reason it's all the way out in Brea is because we're going to be moving in with Caitlin and David in Diamond Bar towards the end of January or beginning of February. I am terribly excited about this and feel as though it'll be the opportunity we need to get things back on track. It seems like a waiting game. My job right now is to stay home and not spend money which is way more tedious than any job I could have right now.
So yeah, nothing feels lovely or cozy. Time to get back on track.
I've gained 7 lbs. since the last time I started weight watchers. I am all in 100% for a couple of weeks and I end up eating more and making up for all the food I haven't eaten over the weeks while I was dieting. I am comfortable in my weight- I don't get a lot of attention from men and for some reason I feel guarded. I like that I am not the center of the world- I can't even accept compliments. My weight is at the top of my list of things I'm feeling guilty about. and I know, I know, feeling guilty doesn't help but it's just how I'm feeling right now.
Money is super tight. I'm not sure what happened but this last year has been a nightmare. I've been irresponsible with money that I don't even think we have. Right when I think I have a grasp on things something goes wrong. I need a job but I need something I can stick with and love. I need something with a purpose. I can't seem to commit myself to anything because my heart isn't in anything and everywhere all at the same time.
I'm not sure if I'm depressed because everything is so uncertain and i'm a complete mess or if everything is so uncertain and a complete mess because I'm just depressed. Anyways, I sound terrible now but I think I can pull myself out of this. It's this complicated web that won't seem to clear up. I want to own my own business, go back to school for merchandising, design lingerie, design graphics, paint pictures and just be content with things. I want to lose a lot of weight- and feel healthy and good and busy. I want to go out with friends and not be worried about what tonight is going to do to our week. I want to feel helpful and useful again.
Anyways, my head is killing me. It's 3:08pm and I'm still in bed crying and trying to figure out how to pull off rent this month. I am in terrible shape and simply cannot seem to figure out how to get back up again. Maybe that's the difference this time- usually it only takes a little while and then I can get back up. I've been down for a long time now. I'm scared I'm starting a pattern.
There is some good news. I've had 3 interviews now with Nordstrom Brea for the lingerie counter. They're going to call me by friday and let me know If I have the job. The reason it's all the way out in Brea is because we're going to be moving in with Caitlin and David in Diamond Bar towards the end of January or beginning of February. I am terribly excited about this and feel as though it'll be the opportunity we need to get things back on track. It seems like a waiting game. My job right now is to stay home and not spend money which is way more tedious than any job I could have right now.
So yeah, nothing feels lovely or cozy. Time to get back on track.