I'm scared
Last night...I had a really scary dream...more like a nightmare. And I can't get it off my mind. I guess it was a nightmare because it reminded me of everything I cannot do...and everything I did...why I have such a low self-esteem...why...why I get so frustraighted with myself...why I cried so many times last year. I've been replaying all the events that happened last year...and some of them are fuzzy...I'm starting to forget...that's what makes everything seem so pointless and stupid now. But I do remember the emotions...and feelings...and faces. I just can't believe that...such good friends can...break apart. That nightmare reminded me of how I can't stand up and say something because I am too shy. How I am afraid to say something to someone so I stay quiet...and get ignored. How...how sometimes I can't speak my feelings because I feel akward or scared of what others may think.
It also reminded me of how I said nothing last year...when I probably should have. I was...I almost did several times...but...I couldn't...instead...I sat backm watched, and said nothing. I was scared that if I said somethin then I would only make the situation worse or more intense. I hate my situation...I think it's so stupid and!...I can't deal with it...i was trapt no matter what. Because of the person I am. The one who can't say anything. The weak one...
I look back and think of all the encounters and moments that I now realise make me look cold...but...Really...I'm just scared...scared to talk...scared of the situation...trying to avoid...
I know what happened...I was very involved in it...everyone thinks they know what happened but in reality...nobody really knows the whole truth...nobody knows the emotions that go inside the three of our heads...even if we tell one another we still don't understand. And sometimes we get a completely different understanding...and end up making things worse...it just got deeper and deeper and deeper and now...we are stuck...we can't climb out of the hole. We are forever lost...and I feel...so...hopeless, misunderstood, and angry...at myself.
I would cry...I cryed because of the alienation...and loneliness...and the tension...the things I felt about myself...and the things others felt about me came crashing down on me like a pile of bricks...and last's night dream...reminded me of it...and now im terrified of school this upcoming year...I'm so scared things will be the same aas they were. I don't want that. I want everyone to get along, be friendly, and have a good time. I want everyone to be happy. I don't want to be the one who someone comes to, yelling at me, or sad, or crying. I don't want to be looked at as something I am not. I want the akwardness to be gone...I want the drama to stop. I want...everything to be normal...I want the tears to stop flowing...from everyone's eyes.
It also reminded me of how I said nothing last year...when I probably should have. I was...I almost did several times...but...I couldn't...instead...I sat backm watched, and said nothing. I was scared that if I said somethin then I would only make the situation worse or more intense. I hate my situation...I think it's so stupid and!...I can't deal with it...i was trapt no matter what. Because of the person I am. The one who can't say anything. The weak one...
I look back and think of all the encounters and moments that I now realise make me look cold...but...Really...I'm just scared...scared to talk...scared of the situation...trying to avoid...
I know what happened...I was very involved in it...everyone thinks they know what happened but in reality...nobody really knows the whole truth...nobody knows the emotions that go inside the three of our heads...even if we tell one another we still don't understand. And sometimes we get a completely different understanding...and end up making things worse...it just got deeper and deeper and deeper and now...we are stuck...we can't climb out of the hole. We are forever lost...and I feel...so...hopeless, misunderstood, and angry...at myself.
I would cry...I cryed because of the alienation...and loneliness...and the tension...the things I felt about myself...and the things others felt about me came crashing down on me like a pile of bricks...and last's night dream...reminded me of it...and now im terrified of school this upcoming year...I'm so scared things will be the same aas they were. I don't want that. I want everyone to get along, be friendly, and have a good time. I want everyone to be happy. I don't want to be the one who someone comes to, yelling at me, or sad, or crying. I don't want to be looked at as something I am not. I want the akwardness to be gone...I want the drama to stop. I want...everything to be normal...I want the tears to stop flowing...from everyone's eyes.