(no subject)
I hate myself. I can't do anything. I can't even talk for myself. I don't have courage to do things on my own, I can't talk to people...I can't do anything by myself because i'm a paranoid, coward.
We got to school around 6:15pm and hung out in the tech booth with Brandon. Jeremy began it interfear with lights and checking cues and I began to get angry. I desperately wanted to show that I can do something by myself.I had been practiceing lights for another show and I wanted to show I could do it. This one simple thing on my own...to prove to myself that I can do something right with out someone helping me. He could tell I was getting upset with him because he backed off with the lights. THen when the show started we left the house lights on. No...I left the house lights on. Catlin came yelled from the bottom of the tech booth..."Do you guys know that the house lights are on and it looks really bad?!" My eyes widened...I didn't know what to do. I freaked out...I don't even know how to turn off the house. Jeremy turned it off in a matter of seconds and I delt with Catlin...then she went away. I felt tears coming to my eyes...I was so angry at myself for letting that happen...and worse...I was angry at myself for getting mad at Jeremy for helping me with lights. With out him I would be up shits creek. I was so mad at myself that I was just silent...and didn't speak...I just held back tears as emotions from the past and recent events buzzed through my head. How I feel around everyone...how I feel around certain people...everything that's been building up since day one...everything...stuff nobody understands and that I can't explain to anyone...only I can feel it's horrible emptiness...
Then towards the end...all the seniors went down into the pit to sing their song...we paniced because this was unexpected and they needed to be seen. Jeremy quickly looked up in the blue book which lights were in the pit and brought them up just before they sang. I fell to the floor with relief...and also...the last straw...I broke down into tears because I was so upset it's my responsibility and I should have been able to do these things...and that with out his help I would be a goner. THen later Angie was saying how she wanted toe strangle Jeremy after the house lights remained on for the first few seconds of the performance. This only made my heart sink more...then Tammy, Brandon, and Angela left...and soon...everyone was gone. We closed down...and waited outside. I could see it in Jeremy's eyes that he was upset...and for the billionth time he asked me what was wrong hugging me. I didn't push him away that time, instead I fell in his arms and broke down...
I told him about everything...how I feel...everything I've kept inside and told nobody. The things that I could never express in words came pouring from my mouth along with the tears. I couldn't show any other emotion but saddness and self hate. It was hard for Jeremy to leave me. He was so concerned...and I think he's crying right now because he believe's it's his fault. It's not...and I feel horrible for letting myself lead him to think that. He called me not to long ago...to ask if I was ok...I sensed the saddness and trembling in his voice...and he didn't want me to hang up. I told him I needed to finish my homework...and that I would call him before bed. He agreed and with our last words I could feel the tears coming to his eyes and I know he was crying once he hung up. I'm going to finish my homework now and call him...please don't ask me about this...I'll just say nothing...and besides...my mood will change by tomorrow and I won't be able to answer your questions anyway...
We got to school around 6:15pm and hung out in the tech booth with Brandon. Jeremy began it interfear with lights and checking cues and I began to get angry. I desperately wanted to show that I can do something by myself.I had been practiceing lights for another show and I wanted to show I could do it. This one simple thing on my own...to prove to myself that I can do something right with out someone helping me. He could tell I was getting upset with him because he backed off with the lights. THen when the show started we left the house lights on. No...I left the house lights on. Catlin came yelled from the bottom of the tech booth..."Do you guys know that the house lights are on and it looks really bad?!" My eyes widened...I didn't know what to do. I freaked out...I don't even know how to turn off the house. Jeremy turned it off in a matter of seconds and I delt with Catlin...then she went away. I felt tears coming to my eyes...I was so angry at myself for letting that happen...and worse...I was angry at myself for getting mad at Jeremy for helping me with lights. With out him I would be up shits creek. I was so mad at myself that I was just silent...and didn't speak...I just held back tears as emotions from the past and recent events buzzed through my head. How I feel around everyone...how I feel around certain people...everything that's been building up since day one...everything...stuff nobody understands and that I can't explain to anyone...only I can feel it's horrible emptiness...
Then towards the end...all the seniors went down into the pit to sing their song...we paniced because this was unexpected and they needed to be seen. Jeremy quickly looked up in the blue book which lights were in the pit and brought them up just before they sang. I fell to the floor with relief...and also...the last straw...I broke down into tears because I was so upset it's my responsibility and I should have been able to do these things...and that with out his help I would be a goner. THen later Angie was saying how she wanted toe strangle Jeremy after the house lights remained on for the first few seconds of the performance. This only made my heart sink more...then Tammy, Brandon, and Angela left...and soon...everyone was gone. We closed down...and waited outside. I could see it in Jeremy's eyes that he was upset...and for the billionth time he asked me what was wrong hugging me. I didn't push him away that time, instead I fell in his arms and broke down...
I told him about everything...how I feel...everything I've kept inside and told nobody. The things that I could never express in words came pouring from my mouth along with the tears. I couldn't show any other emotion but saddness and self hate. It was hard for Jeremy to leave me. He was so concerned...and I think he's crying right now because he believe's it's his fault. It's not...and I feel horrible for letting myself lead him to think that. He called me not to long ago...to ask if I was ok...I sensed the saddness and trembling in his voice...and he didn't want me to hang up. I told him I needed to finish my homework...and that I would call him before bed. He agreed and with our last words I could feel the tears coming to his eyes and I know he was crying once he hung up. I'm going to finish my homework now and call him...please don't ask me about this...I'll just say nothing...and besides...my mood will change by tomorrow and I won't be able to answer your questions anyway...