Hopeful.Dreams.Shattered.Into.Teardrop.Fragments
It wasn't easy. It never is. It plagued my mind for so long and it might have been a point in life where I have to realize that there's something I need to do for myself... for once.
I've sacrificed so much of myself in the past, forced myself to find my clicks and figure out what was happiness. Throughout my life, I've been the person to merge into different groups to figure out who I was and yet I never have. I sit here with tears in my eyes, an bottomless pit in my stomach and the urdge to throw up. It's time to confess.
yes, these past 7 years i will cherish. And I do love you as a good friend, but I dont see a future. I am not experienced with relationships and dont know how they are really suppose to work. Others say, go with your gut or go with your intuation. mine really say... nothing. I've always belived in "Go with the Flow" as my pholophy and damn it all to hell, my spelling is surely fucked up. I dont care. To everyone I am Truely Sorry.
Yesterday at shannon and joel's wedding, I realized how much they loved each other over the silliest of things. Either it be rockband, or singing songs about zombies and people. And seeing how social everyone was and the groups settled, fitting comfortible together. I thought to myself... why am I here where do I fit in? What best qualities I have in myself... well the only thing I can define for myself is... I'm a good artist... or I was a good artist. I was a good violinist... and i'm a good pastry chef... This isn't how I wanted things to turn out but they did. Maybe I've gone through Karma on the good side and have never delt with it's ugly bad side. Is this suppose to feel this painful? Is there suppose to be this many tears in my eyes? I have such a huge guilt feeling within me, it's just not right.
I know there is someone out there who is better than me. Someone who is more understanding and willing to try out all the intrest you have.
I've always known the first year is rough... and it dropped downhill too fast for me. Maybe I'm stuck in my old ways, I'm sorry, I can't change myself or who I am. I've always been the person people ask advice of yet I have no one to talk to about my own. Skeletins in my closet? possibly not. The way I have been since a child, I've always said stuff that people want to hear... "Yes, you look pretty in that" or "Yes, someday it will happen" or "Sure..."
Is it wrong to say, I feel like I havn't grown at all. Not physically, but mentally? I feel as if I'm still 20 even though i will be 26 in the next day or two. happy fucking early birthday to me...
right now i feel like I'm in dire need of a smoke... or 20 smokes and a good beer. I've never been waisted drunk before, scared of it. Scared of it like many other things in my life but death. The only thing I'm accustom to now is pain and embrassing death.
I've sacrificed so much of myself in the past, forced myself to find my clicks and figure out what was happiness. Throughout my life, I've been the person to merge into different groups to figure out who I was and yet I never have. I sit here with tears in my eyes, an bottomless pit in my stomach and the urdge to throw up. It's time to confess.
yes, these past 7 years i will cherish. And I do love you as a good friend, but I dont see a future. I am not experienced with relationships and dont know how they are really suppose to work. Others say, go with your gut or go with your intuation. mine really say... nothing. I've always belived in "Go with the Flow" as my pholophy and damn it all to hell, my spelling is surely fucked up. I dont care. To everyone I am Truely Sorry.
Yesterday at shannon and joel's wedding, I realized how much they loved each other over the silliest of things. Either it be rockband, or singing songs about zombies and people. And seeing how social everyone was and the groups settled, fitting comfortible together. I thought to myself... why am I here where do I fit in? What best qualities I have in myself... well the only thing I can define for myself is... I'm a good artist... or I was a good artist. I was a good violinist... and i'm a good pastry chef... This isn't how I wanted things to turn out but they did. Maybe I've gone through Karma on the good side and have never delt with it's ugly bad side. Is this suppose to feel this painful? Is there suppose to be this many tears in my eyes? I have such a huge guilt feeling within me, it's just not right.
I know there is someone out there who is better than me. Someone who is more understanding and willing to try out all the intrest you have.
I've always known the first year is rough... and it dropped downhill too fast for me. Maybe I'm stuck in my old ways, I'm sorry, I can't change myself or who I am. I've always been the person people ask advice of yet I have no one to talk to about my own. Skeletins in my closet? possibly not. The way I have been since a child, I've always said stuff that people want to hear... "Yes, you look pretty in that" or "Yes, someday it will happen" or "Sure..."
Is it wrong to say, I feel like I havn't grown at all. Not physically, but mentally? I feel as if I'm still 20 even though i will be 26 in the next day or two. happy fucking early birthday to me...
right now i feel like I'm in dire need of a smoke... or 20 smokes and a good beer. I've never been waisted drunk before, scared of it. Scared of it like many other things in my life but death. The only thing I'm accustom to now is pain and embrassing death.