Jan's Journal (Part 3) Revised...
Okay so it is fricken 6:19 in the morning...I haven't even been to bed yet, because I was so determined to get this fic posted ASAP! So this is Chapter 3, revised of Jan's Journal...I hope ya like it! And Chapter 4 is yet to come....This is, however, the last chapter that I already had written, though..so yeah. I hope I'm making sense right now, because it IS, however extremely early in the moring...and I tend to NOT make sense...so maybe i should just get on with the fic...here it is...
***WARNING*** There is major bad language in this fic....seriously...you might think I'm angry at the world, which I'm totally not..just read to find out what I'm talking about. But DON'T read if you get offended by strong words...so yeah...I'm going to bed! ***
It’s Saturday morning and Michael is just about to head off to work.
“Well I should be home by one, but I might have to stay till closing time.”
“I thought that you were going to get out of there early.”
“Well it really depends on stupid Corporate and stupid Ryan.”
“Well what am I gonna do all day?” Jan whines a little. She wanted to spend the day with him.
Michael whines right along with her, “I know…today of all days right? After all, it is the most important day of the year.”
Jan just rolls her eyes but laughs, “Yeah it is…next to October 3rd, of course.”
Michael knows what October 3rd is, but he pretends that he has no idea, “What’s October 3rd? I have no idea…”
“Um….its my birthday” Jan laughs. “So seriously, what am I going to do all day?”
“Well you can finish unpacking. You’re almost done, right?”
“Yeah, just about.”
“Okay-well…” He kisses her, “I have to get going.”
“Alright. Call me if you get bored.”
Smiles, “I’m always bored.”
“Okay…call when you’re extremely bored.”
“I’m always extre…”
Jan interrupts him and laughs, “Okay then…just call me.”
They kiss again a little longer, “Okay, bye.”
“Bye.”
“I love you.”
There’s those three words again. Jan just tries to ignore that, “Okay…see ya later.”
Michael, as always, gets bummed out. He hopes that one day, one day, she’ll say it back accidentally. It’ll sound so natural when she says it, too. You’d think she’d be saying it for as long as you can remember.
Jan notices, as always, when Michael gets disappointed like this. But she can’t just tell him she loves him to satisfy him. No. That’s what sex is for, right?
“Don’t forget about tonight.”
Sighs, “I won’t Michael.” Finally. He leaves. “What do you want me to say Michael? I can’t tell you those words yet, I just can’t. But god…if only you knew.” She shakes her head as she picks up her journal. She’s just going to write a little bit before finishing unpacking.
She had to look at those puppy dog eyes again. The kind of eyes Michael always gives her when he’s really hurt about something. Those hopeful eyes he gives her right after he says those three words. Those eyes that always turn to shame when those three words never get said back. Its his birthday today, too. Which makes it even more difficult to look at those sad eyes of his. Maybe that could be his present? Her telling him she loves him? No…Jan has something even better to give him. Believe it or not, but Michael may like the present she got him a little more than saying those three little words to him.
Her thoughts are interrupted by her cell phone ringing. Its probably just Michael letting her know that he made it to work safely.
“Hello?”
“Did you find it?”
Jan, instantly, recognizes that voice. That voice that’s filled with nothing but anger and resentment, “I told you! I don’t have the fucking ring!”
“Whoa….no need to swear Jan. It was just a question. God! This Michael sure is a bad influence on you.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Oh, I don’t know Jan. You remember what it’s like to be in love, don’t you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“So am I really going to have to take you to court for this or what? I really don’t want to if I don’t have to.”
“Do you really not remember? Do you honestly not remember me giving the ring back to you?”
“No. I don’t. Please-remind me when you gave the ring back to me.”
“Well…it’s a night I hate to remember…”
***Flashback’s to that night***
“Richard, I’m…um…” Jan walks into what used to be her and Richard’s pent house to find him drowning in a puddle of beer cans, bottles, and his favorite, Jack Daniels. She immediately stops dead in her footsteps. He looks like a complete wreck. He’s crying, something Jan never saw. She actually felt sorry for him…softly, “Hey.”
Richard doesn’t care how sincere Jan is being towards him right now. He’s too drunk to want to act civil with her. “You fucking bitch…you worthless piece of shit! What the FUCK do you want?” He stumbles, a bit, to get up off the floor.
Jan backs away a bit, but not trying to back away too much or too fast. She doesn’t want it to be obvious that she’s a little scared of him right now, “How much have you drank?”
“Yeah? So? Don’t try to stop me, you FUCKING bitch!” He stumbles a little bit and ends up tumbling down to the floor again.
And to think…she was actually going there to see if maybe they should try to go to a marriage counselor some more. They already were seeing one, before they had the huge fight that resulted in yelling ‘I want a divorce!’ Jan thought maybe just a few more sessions, they’d be able to make some kind of compromise about kids. But then that’s kinda hard to change someone’s mind about wanting one or not….but she just knew that there was a good man in there somewhere. She knew that there was a man in there, somewhere, that wanted to have kids, and be a good father that she knew that he was capable of being. She thought wrong…
“You know? I knew coming here was a mistake!” She tugs on her wedding ring and manages to pull it off of her finger. She whips it at him, “Here!”
She turns around to leave, but before she can he becomes extremely depressed. He grabs out to her ankle to get her to stop, which catches her off guard. “Wait. Don’t go.”
Things become quiet for what seemed like eternity, but really it was only about 10 seconds. She bends down and takes his hand and in the most kindest way, “This is for the best Richard. Don’t you think?”
All he can do right now is just stare at her hand on his, in confusion. They stay like that for a short moment before he looks up at her and calmly says, “Get the hell outta here.”
Jan lets go of his hands, and gets up, slowly. Almost like she was waiting for him to say something else. Why she would want to hear anything else is beyond me….
Richard raises his voice, “I said get out of here, you bitch!”
And with that, Jan leaves with tears building up, waiting to pour them all out.
***Present***
“You got extremely sad the second I gave back the ring. I never saw you like that before. It was like you knew, you realized that this was over for good!“ Begins getting more and more upset to where she starts yelling at him, “You’re the one that made me end up in the hospital, Richard! You’re the one that made me land in therapy. YOU’RE the one who made me who I am today, and I HATE who I am today. I can’t even tell this amazing man that I love him, because I’m so terrified that he’s going to turn out to be EXACTLY like you! It’s all your fault Richard!!!” Jan calms down a bit and takes a couple of deep breaths. He just remains quiet and Jan continues, “so anyways, I just thought ‘fuck it, I’m going to give the ring back and get the hell out of there’.”
“I wasn’t sad, I was angry.” Richard heard everything Jan said, but what really stuck out to him was when she said that he was ‘sad’.
“Well, now, I thought you forgot about this?”
Richard snaps at her, “I didn’t forget! God! You can be so…” He stops himself.
“What? Worthless? What am I Richard? Valueless? Pointless? What? Look-it doesn’t matter what you call me anymore-goodbye!”
Just as she’s about to press ‘end call’, he stops her, “Wait!”
“What? Oh I’m sorry, was that not what you were going to say? How many words for ‘worthless’ are there? Hmm…let’s see”
“No. I wasn’t going to call you any of those things.”
“Well then, what were you…”
“Nothing Jan! I wasn’t going to call you anything.” She remains quiet, waiting to hear what he has to say, “I’m angry, okay?”
“Okay, now you’re just wasting more of my time, telling me things that I already know”
“No…I’m angry with myself. For losing you. Jannie..I’m so…”
“I’m going to stop ya right there.”
“I just realize how bad I’ve hurt you and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. God, I just miss you so much.”
“You miss me?” Jan asks, disbelievingly.
“I can’t stop thinking about you and I really want to make us work.”
“Yeah? Well…I thought you wanted the fucking ring back!”
“I just wanted an excuse to talk to you and hear your voice. I didn‘t know what else to do.”
“You could’ve tried to talk to me in a decent way, for starters.”
“Jannie, I…”
“Would you STOP calling me that?”
“I’m still in love with you.”
To herself, “I knew that was coming. You are not in love with me, okay?”
“Then why do I find myself thinking about kids and how badly I want them. YOU did that to me Jan. YOU were the one that made me want to become a better man and be a father. I want kids, and I want them with no one else but YOU.”
Jan laughs, “Richard listen to me closely…you are not a better man, you do not love me, and you, mostly, do not want kids with me.”
“I understand that you’re not going to welcome me back into you life with open arms, but maybe we could just start over?”
“How dumb do you think I am? Do you think I’m buying any of this bullshit? Well I’m NOT, okay? You’re not just going to lure me in to getting back together with you by telling me that you’re a better man and that you want kids with me. That is pure bullshit right there! I’m with a wonderful guy who I am in total…happiness with, and I’m not going to throw that away for YOUR dumb ass.”
“Okay…okay. I get it…you moved on. I guess I didn’t realize how in love you are with this Michael guy…he really does seem like a nice guy, you…you deserve it Jan.” Its like all of a sudden Richard had this complete bi-polar turnaround.
“Thank-you.”
“Can we at least stay in-touch? What are you doing for lunch? Let me take you out.”
“I don’t think so Richard. I don’t feel right doing that to Michael.”
“It’d be totally mutual Jan, no strings attached.”
“I can’t. I’m sorry. You’ve just hurt me too much that I don’t really feel like getting hurt again. Michael has nev…”
Interrupts her, “Remember that time I sent over 700 roses to your office? 742, to be exact. It was the number of days were together that day. It was just after we got back from our honeymoon.”
“Yeah I remember that. That was so sweet and romantic. And if I remember right, that was the last time you were ever romantic towards me. Then you started getting so caught up in your work that you started having quote, unquote business trips and wer…”
“Excuse me? ‘Quote, unquote’?”
“You don’t think I really knew what was going on at those business trips?”
“Now you’re accusing me of cheating on you? See? This is why we’re divorced! YOU never trusted me.”
Remains calm, “You’re right, we are divorced. That’s why you don’t have to lie to me anymore.”
“I can not believe you think I cheated on you. I would never do that.”
Snaps “Why? Because you meant every word in your vow to me? Richard! Every time I even initiated sex, you always had an excuse as to why you didn’t want to. ‘Work’ being the number one excuse.”
“Do you want to hear that I cheated on you? Would it seriously make you feel better?”
“Yes, it would.” No, it wouldn’t.
“What is it going to solve?
Jan starts getting frustrated that he is trying to avoid answering the question, “I just want to hear it Richard! From you. I already know that you did, so just tell me already!”
“It just doesn’t make sense to me! If you already know that I did, then what does it matter if I say it or not?”
“Because I think you’re in denial. Its almost like you don’t even remember that you hurt me so bad.”
“I’m not in denial Jan.”
“Then tell me that you cheated on me!” Jan’s voice increased with every word she said.
Richard finally caves in. He wasn’t going to say anything, because of how much more hurt he’d cause her, but if she wants to know… “Okay! Fine! I cheated on you, alright? All of those business trips were nothing but sex romps, orgies, and threesomes. Alright? I did not have ONE single business trip while we were married. You nagged and nagged and nagged! All we ever did was bitch back and forth. I HAD to get away. From you! Okay? So there’s the truth. Happy now?”
“See? Now that wasn’t so hard was it?” Jan’s voice was not much more than a whisper. Sure-she knew he cheated on her. But she didn’t think that it was that often. That was a lot of information to learn in 25 seconds.
“See? This is why I didn’t want to tell you. I wanted to be done causing you pain and sadness.”
Gets defensive, “Hey! I’m not sad, okay? I’m far from it. Its not like I cry every night about our failed marriage. Its not always about you Richard! You have to get over yourself.”
“You’re happy with him, right?”
“Who? Michael?” Why would he ask that?
“Yeah. I was just thinking…what if I hadn’t been the way I was? What if I wanted kids back then? What if I was a better man back then? Do you think that we’d still be married? Because if you think about it, if I wanted all of those things back then, we’d still be married and you wouldn’t be with Michael.”
“This is so typical. You’re making my being with Michael about YOU. Do you expect a ‘thank-you’ Richard? Because thank-FUCKING-you! Thank you for being such a fucking prick to me when we were married! Thanks for not wanting children back then, thank-FUCKING-you for being the way you were. I’m so glad I had to go through all of that pain and suffering to get to where I am.” Jan lowers her voice, “Thank-fucking-YOU!”
“I was just trying to…”
“You know what? I have a lot to do today. And I’ve already wasted an hour talking to you. Good-bye.” Before he can say anything, she hangs up.
Silence suddenly fills the condo. It was only seconds later when Jan burst into tears. She cried for a good, solid 15 minutes. When she got herself, somewhat, put back together, she grabbed her journal as if it were alcohol.
Jan’s not even sure why she’s so upset. It has to be because Richard was her first ‘love’. Her first everything. He took something from her that was so important, as to most girls. She was so in love with him, you would think she was blind. She actually had her family and friends, whom she’s lost contact with, because of Richard, tell her that he was nothing but horrible to her. He abused her, in more ways than one, he controlled her and the list goes on. Then she started to see all of it. Especially when she mentioned to Richard that she thought that they should try to have kids. She saw how wrong he really was for her. She hated a lot of the things he chose to be, but she will always love him. That sounds completely stupid of her…to love a man who’s given her nothing…but she can’t seem tell a man, who’s given her his everything, that she loves him.
She also feels like she betrayed Michael, in the sense that her and Richard were talking. She should’ve looked at the damn caller id, and this whole conversation would’ve never happened. Or at least she could’ve hung up on him the first time she was going to. Well she could spend all day playing the ‘what if?’ game…Since its Michael’s birthday, Jan is going to try her hardest to not tell him anything about today. Her and Richard’s conversation never happened as far as Michael is concerned.
Michael has been telling Jan everything he wants for his birthday for the last 6 weeks. More importantly…what he doesn’t want. Why is that more important to know, you might wonder? Well in the words of Michael Scott, “What if you get me something I hate? I have to pretend to like it, right? So doesn’t it make sense to both of us if I just tell you what I DON’T want?” It doesn’t really make sense, to Jan, or anybody Michael tells that to. Its just one of those Michael-isms that you just play along with because you have to, that, and because you love him….