12 YEARS LATER
Next month is going to be a very emotional month for me; it will be 12 years since I lost my Grandfather to cancer. I’ve never openly talked about this with anyone. Every time his name is mentioned, I would feel a little lump in my throat and I have to go somewhere where I can be alone. Even now, at 24 years old, I still haven’t accepted that fact that he is gone. I was 12 when he died, just 2 months before my 13th birthday, and at that age, I didn’t know how to handle the feelings and emotions I had at that point. I was angry and upset; bottling up my feelings until I couldn’t contain them any longer and I lashed out at people - something that still happens to this day.
I remember the day my Dad told me that my grandfather had cancer.....at 12 years old; I didn’t really know much about cancer at that time. It wasn’t until I saw him lying in the hospital, that it became painfully clear to me, that he was in very bad shape. I had to watch him die little by little until he couldn’t take it anymore, he was an active person who ended up in a bed, he couldn’t move, speak, nor eat by himself, the worst part is I couldn’t go see him anymore because It hurt too much to see him like that. I still remember the last time I saw him; he was lying in bed, as I got closer to him I couldn’t kiss him, I couldn’t tell him that everything was going to be ok, and I couldn’t tell him goodbye. I burst into tears and left, I wish I could have told him that I was ok, that he didn’t have to worry about me, that I love him. To this day, it hurts me, knowing that I was the only one in the family, who was not by his side, when he died. At his funeral, I remember just staring at his casket, as it was lowered into the grave, knowing he was in there.....asking myself why? Why did he leave me? He was only person I felt safe around, as a child. But now, he’s gone, and I’m all alone. Sure, I have my friends and family, and yes, I love them very much, but there was a bond between my grandfather & I that can never be duplicated or replaced by anyone else.
For the next few years, I isolated myself from others; not wanting to talk about the pain I was feeling. I didn’t know how to handle it, and I started taking my anger out on other people; people who were trying to help. 12 years later, I still feel anger towards myself for not being with him when he died. Lately, I have considered seeking professional help, as I feel it may be the only way to help me with the grief and anger I have been carrying for the last 12 years. Why? Because, I know what will happen if I don’t; I hurt my ex-boyfriend because he left me, I’ve lashed out at those who tried to help me, all because I can’t control my emotions. I want to regain control of my life....but I can’t do it by myself.