X RATED:
GOOD:
- John & Edward, who are not as bad as people wish they were, and who - had it not been for a few choice comments at the auditions stage, and the fact that they're trying to be what they think popstars should be without any media training - would have had a fair crack at the whip as a sort of post-Busted, British Jonas Brothers-y sort of thing, outside The X-Factor. Even Hollow Willoughby seems to have decided they're going, and that bitch works every day of the fucking week, she has no idea what's going on.
- Miss Frank. So fierce. I hope they don't try and make them all slick and flossy, I like that it looks like they've raided the Elizabeth Duke counter, and that they might knock each other out at any given second. In a world where Sugababes are doing dance routines that extend beyond moving their heads in unison, there is room for a girlband from The Streets.
- Barely Legal Lloyd. Mostly for Cheryl's 'there'll be lots of girls crying lots of rivers over you' comment. What does that even mean? He is pretty though. Save me a good seat in special hell, won't you? And, wait a minute, he sang? Oh, God, was it awful? I didn't even notice. OM NOM NOM.
BAD:
- Lucie. Would have booed her offstage at a school talent show. Silly, silly girl.
- HAND HAM TELLIN' YEW. A hideous song, which by it's nature has to be delivered like a toddler having a tantrum. Not a pleasant experience. Also, in how much bad taste was Dannii's 'GAY GAY I THINK HE'S GAY HECTULLY I HEARD THAT HE'S GAY MISS WALSH LOOK AT MOY'? She's still my favourite though, especially alongside St Cheryl the Sanctimonious.
- 'No Regrets'. Which is not a song that you can sing with a great big banana grin on your stupid face. Forgettable Northerner has quite a nice voice, but it isn't half... bland. Which, in The X-Factor, is a strength you should be playing up with Nana Ballads. Foolish child.
- I wish The New Robbie would Moonwalk back whence he came. All the running mans and Mr Robotos in the world can't hide the fact that you're doing a bad Will Young impersonation. Got your number! Also, he looks like Jade Goody (OH TOO SOON I'M SO AWFUL LOL LOL LOL).
UGLY:
- Stacey from Dagenham, who is increasingly becoming 'Stacey from Dagenham'. Which is a shame, because she has a lot going for her, even if the song was a bit of a wet lettuce.
- Hat.
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?:
In conclusion, you know it's a poor show when at least half of your contestants seem to be coasting by on the fact that they have whacky haircuts.
JOHN & EDWARD FOR THE WIN!
Cheerio, mIchael. xxx
- John & Edward, who are not as bad as people wish they were, and who - had it not been for a few choice comments at the auditions stage, and the fact that they're trying to be what they think popstars should be without any media training - would have had a fair crack at the whip as a sort of post-Busted, British Jonas Brothers-y sort of thing, outside The X-Factor. Even Hollow Willoughby seems to have decided they're going, and that bitch works every day of the fucking week, she has no idea what's going on.
- Miss Frank. So fierce. I hope they don't try and make them all slick and flossy, I like that it looks like they've raided the Elizabeth Duke counter, and that they might knock each other out at any given second. In a world where Sugababes are doing dance routines that extend beyond moving their heads in unison, there is room for a girlband from The Streets.
- Barely Legal Lloyd. Mostly for Cheryl's 'there'll be lots of girls crying lots of rivers over you' comment. What does that even mean? He is pretty though. Save me a good seat in special hell, won't you? And, wait a minute, he sang? Oh, God, was it awful? I didn't even notice. OM NOM NOM.
BAD:
- Lucie. Would have booed her offstage at a school talent show. Silly, silly girl.
- HAND HAM TELLIN' YEW. A hideous song, which by it's nature has to be delivered like a toddler having a tantrum. Not a pleasant experience. Also, in how much bad taste was Dannii's 'GAY GAY I THINK HE'S GAY HECTULLY I HEARD THAT HE'S GAY MISS WALSH LOOK AT MOY'? She's still my favourite though, especially alongside St Cheryl the Sanctimonious.
- 'No Regrets'. Which is not a song that you can sing with a great big banana grin on your stupid face. Forgettable Northerner has quite a nice voice, but it isn't half... bland. Which, in The X-Factor, is a strength you should be playing up with Nana Ballads. Foolish child.
- I wish The New Robbie would Moonwalk back whence he came. All the running mans and Mr Robotos in the world can't hide the fact that you're doing a bad Will Young impersonation. Got your number! Also, he looks like Jade Goody (OH TOO SOON I'M SO AWFUL LOL LOL LOL).
UGLY:
- Stacey from Dagenham, who is increasingly becoming 'Stacey from Dagenham'. Which is a shame, because she has a lot going for her, even if the song was a bit of a wet lettuce.
- Hat.
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?:
In conclusion, you know it's a poor show when at least half of your contestants seem to be coasting by on the fact that they have whacky haircuts.
JOHN & EDWARD FOR THE WIN!
Cheerio, mIchael. xxx