Never Spoken
Title: Never Spoken
Pairings: Ian/Anthony
Rating/Warnings: PG-13
Summary: Ian wishes he had never spoken about his feelings for Anthony.
Author's Notes: This is an alternate ending to “I Love You” and a songfic for the song Never Spoken by Kylie Minogue ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=db2alrfqr9I ). It begins right after Ian says “I love you”.
Previous Chapters: Alternate Ending to "I Love You": http://michaelangelo24.livejournal.com/15678.html
Ian’s POV:
I know I've said too much
Confessing to my love
I was caught up in the moment
Should have tried to keep my cool
But I tried to bend the rules
In any case you would have known it
The words come out without thinking, a momentary lapse in judgement. I don’t mean to say that I love you, but I still do. A love that has been burning inside of me for years finally breaks free. Years of pent-up emotions and having you so near me force out what I’ve been holding back. I confess my undying love for you, right to your face.
I get too flustered and caught up in the moment. I want you to know; no, I need you to know. Patiently easing you towards the moment is something I can’t handle, so now it is forced upon you. I should not have said a thing, but now it’s too late.
By the way that I've
Been looking at you
You can tell that I am gone, gone, gone
My eyes glaze over, my mind stuck at that one moment. They focus on the one thing in the room they can: your eyes. Those dark chocolate pools keep me from slipping away, from losing myself in the horror of what I just did. I want to sink into them, drown in their depths, if it means escaping from the consequences of my actions.
“Hello, earth to Ian,” you say as you wave a hand in front of my face. It’s obvious that my mind is elsewhere, since I want to be anywhere but here.
Sometimes I wish I'd never spoken
Honesty can be too open
It's not what I was hoping for
I didn't mean to open up that door
I wish I'd never spoken
“Did you just say what I thought you said?” you ask. You eye me curiously as I let my gaze wander to the floor.
This is not something I can deal with. I should have never said a word; not a single fucking word. I want you to express your undying love in return, something that obviously isn’t going to happen now that I’ve let out my true feelings so early. It is a mistake, one huge mistake. Telling you the truth isn’t the best choice, judging by the confused look you keep giving me. I wish I’d never spoken.
It was going oh so well
Still could be I can't tell
Now I don't know what you're thinking
Those three little words
Were they ready to be heard
Should my heart fly or be sinking
Everything was perfect before. We were best friends, inseparable and connected on a level few people could be. Maybe we’re still that way, but it’s hard to tell now that I’ve said the unspeakable. Your face is impassive, as though it has shut down as you contemplate deep complex thoughts. I’ve been able to read your mind since the day we met, based solely on your actions and expressions, but now you are unreadable. I can’t tell what you’re thinking, and that scares me.
How am I supposed to react when you haven’t even reacted yet? Is the hesitation your way of contemplating how to let me down easy or are you thinking of a way to express your feelings? All I can hope for is that I did indeed admit my feelings at the right time and that you were ready for them.
Well I've said it now
My feelings out loud
But I don't want you to be gone, gone, gone
There’s no taking back those words now. I’ve confessed my love, out loud, right to your face. I silently plead that you won’t leave, that you’ll stick by me no matter how you feel in return. I couldn’t bear to lose you.
Sometimes I wish I'd never spoken
Honesty can be too open
It's not what I was hoping for
I didn't mean to open up that door
I wish I'd never spoken
Without a word, you turn and leave the room. Did my words scare you away or are you not ready to deal with them? Perhaps being so honest so soon was not the best choice. I did not mean for three small words to explode in my face and bring up a bigger dilemma. I don’t want to lose you because of this. I should have kept my mouth shut.
How long do you wait
To say I love you
How long do I look in your eyes
How long does it take
To say I love you
When's the right time
I follow you down the hall to your room. You stop in the doorway, aware that I am right behind you. You look right at me with that same impassive face. I try to read it like a book, but I cannot. All I want to know is if the timing was right. Did I say I love you too early or too late? Is there even a right time to confess one’s love to their best friend?
I stare into your brown eyes again and see a familiar sparkle, one that is so very familiar. The familiarity makes me nervous, since I want that sparkle to explode like fireworks, signalling that you feel the same. Your eyes are the same as always, the sparkle of friendship still there.
Sometimes I wish I'd never spoken
Honesty can be too open
It's not what I was hoping for
I didn't mean to open up that door
I wish I'd never spoken
You take in a deep breath and hold it in your lungs for several seconds, as though unsure of what to use the air for. When you release it, your lip trembles as the air flows past. You frown momentarily and let out a sigh. Your eyes are watery, when they once were clear as the night sky. I can finally read you, and I don’t like what I’m seeing.
“I’m sorry, Ian,” you say, “I just don’t feel that way.” You awkwardly rub the back of your head and smile at me apologetically. “I’ll still always be your best friend.” Before I can react, you wrap your arms around me in a hug. “Hopefully that is enough for you.”
It’s not enough, but I must make due. All I wanted was your love, but I am rejected even that. The time was not right. I should have kept pretending everything was okay, that we were just friends in my eyes too. Now I have ruined my chance at more. I wish I’d never spoken.