Day 4
I texted him this morning while I was at the gym. Why are women such morons? Why can't we just walk away like they do?
I told him I had to confess that I was jealous when we heard Deanna was pregnant because we should've been the first ones to have a baby and get engaged.
He didn't answer.
I guess he blocked me so I kept writing and telling him all the things that keep me up at night. I told him about hoping things would get better and we got engaged in August. I told him about wanting cooking lessons for our anniversary. Alicia got them for her boyfriend and he loved them. I told him about his surprise Luau birthday party for his 30th.
He said he didn't block me. If anything I should block him for hurting me. He was the one who fucked up. He wished he could believe me he really did but my actions showed different. He said he could see us having a future up until this year. He's sick to his stomach and hasn't slept in days thinking about what he did to me and all the good times he had and how he fucked that up.
I told him I was scared of ending up unhappy like my parents. I put a wall up and retreated. But I'm tired of being scared, some things are worth the risk, good or bad. We are both human and make mistakes but we are learning. I'm a genuine, goodhearted and caring person who puts others needs above my own.
He said he knows I'm goodhearted and that's what he loved about me. That's what kills him the most, how he could hurt someone who was always caring and always there. He wants to have a happy ending with me but the last few months he couldn't see it anymore and he's getting nervous because he's getting older. By now we should've been engaged.
I said I thought about why we aren't engaged and it's because he bought the house and spent all his free time on it ignoring me and then he got his job which made him depressed because of the hours and he hated it. I retreated again because I didn't know how to handle that, my experience is I keep myself busy so he'll miss me.
He said that's true but we should've had plans for an engagement.
Again I told him we didn't really have time to see each other because he was always busy so we couldn't reconnect. I said I didn't know the answer.
He said he doesn't know either an he doesn't know what to do.
I said I don't know the answer to that but I just needed to finally confess and thanks for listening.
He said he's always here he just doesn't know where to go from here.
I didn't answer.
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Today I went to the beach, offroading, and ran into his friends. It hurt so much to pretend everything is fine. It's not my responsibility to tell them.
Next, I went to Lauren and Rob's birthday BBQ. It was really weird not having Brian there. Then I remembered he'd probably keep his distance, not hold my hand or hug me.
When I got home from the BBQ I walked to the beach and cried in the sound of the waves crashing. I just need to heal. He's not worth it to me...
I told him I had to confess that I was jealous when we heard Deanna was pregnant because we should've been the first ones to have a baby and get engaged.
He didn't answer.
I guess he blocked me so I kept writing and telling him all the things that keep me up at night. I told him about hoping things would get better and we got engaged in August. I told him about wanting cooking lessons for our anniversary. Alicia got them for her boyfriend and he loved them. I told him about his surprise Luau birthday party for his 30th.
He said he didn't block me. If anything I should block him for hurting me. He was the one who fucked up. He wished he could believe me he really did but my actions showed different. He said he could see us having a future up until this year. He's sick to his stomach and hasn't slept in days thinking about what he did to me and all the good times he had and how he fucked that up.
I told him I was scared of ending up unhappy like my parents. I put a wall up and retreated. But I'm tired of being scared, some things are worth the risk, good or bad. We are both human and make mistakes but we are learning. I'm a genuine, goodhearted and caring person who puts others needs above my own.
He said he knows I'm goodhearted and that's what he loved about me. That's what kills him the most, how he could hurt someone who was always caring and always there. He wants to have a happy ending with me but the last few months he couldn't see it anymore and he's getting nervous because he's getting older. By now we should've been engaged.
I said I thought about why we aren't engaged and it's because he bought the house and spent all his free time on it ignoring me and then he got his job which made him depressed because of the hours and he hated it. I retreated again because I didn't know how to handle that, my experience is I keep myself busy so he'll miss me.
He said that's true but we should've had plans for an engagement.
Again I told him we didn't really have time to see each other because he was always busy so we couldn't reconnect. I said I didn't know the answer.
He said he doesn't know either an he doesn't know what to do.
I said I don't know the answer to that but I just needed to finally confess and thanks for listening.
He said he's always here he just doesn't know where to go from here.
I didn't answer.
----------------
Today I went to the beach, offroading, and ran into his friends. It hurt so much to pretend everything is fine. It's not my responsibility to tell them.
Next, I went to Lauren and Rob's birthday BBQ. It was really weird not having Brian there. Then I remembered he'd probably keep his distance, not hold my hand or hug me.
When I got home from the BBQ I walked to the beach and cried in the sound of the waves crashing. I just need to heal. He's not worth it to me...