(Fic) Asymptotic
Fandom: TOKIO RPS
Title: Asymptotic
Category: AU, drama
Pairing: Gussan/Nagase mainly, but there's references to casual (and perhaps more than a little casual in Taichi and Leader's case) sex between the guys and between them and other people (het included)
Rating: NC-17, but more for language and implication, really
Warnings: Teenage prostitution (implied), underage sex (implied), neko ears (yeah, just like in anime, though it's the only anime part of it), implication of something that might have been rape, but might not have been, some OOC (but with reason), underage drinking, rolling drunks for money (er, in other words, sometimes the guys aren't entirely legal about things ;), hmm, plus it's a little weird in ways (if the neko ears didn't give that away)!
Summary: They're all headed in the same direction, but none of them are quite the same.
A/N: I have a story outline that's a fusion of the anime Loveless, where Changmin and Yunho are a sacrifice and a fighter (which, yes, is also weird), but in that one there are no neko ears (because it's not really important to the story). But I started thinking about how odd it would be if everyone could tell you weren't a virgin anymore because you'd lost your neko ears, and what that would mean to someone who was really young and... well, this is what happened. ;) Nagase's OOC in this, but I hope that underneath the reason for that, that you'll still be able to see him in it.
All that being said, I'm also pleased to have actually completed a story without having edited it into oblivion, yays! Of course, with how odd this one is, there's a chance that no one will be all that happy I finished it, but still, yays! :P
~*~
[The first time Tatsuya saw the kid, he didn't notice the missing ears.]The first time Tatsuya saw the kid, he didn't notice the missing ears. There were any number of reasons for it:
1. The kid was damn tall for his age (damn tall for almost any age, actually, since he was already 175cm at 15), so even though Tatsuya hadn't just thought of him as 'kid' for nothing, it still didn't completely register how young he was, and the lack of ears didn't stand out as much as it might have.
2. The kid had a really fluffy hairstyle back then (though he totally denied it now); long on top and moussed up for volume, but slick back along the sides. His human ears showed clearly against the sides (standing out a little like a monkey, but looking kind of cute all the same). But the kitten ears might well have been lost in the puff on top, so that might have distracted Tatsuya a bit, too.
3. (And this was the big one if Tatsuya were being honest) Tatsuya was about three beers past monkey-full. If he hadn't already thrown up a couple of alleys back from where he met the kid, he might have been throwing up all over him in the alley where he found him, lying there bruised and broken and not crying in the least (even though Tatsuya felt a little like crying just looking at him).
The kid had let Tatsuya help him up, but he'd waved him off after that, just giving Tatsuya a lopsided grin and a (somewhat sarcastic) salute as he walked away, looking a little unsteady on his feet (which might have been a sign of a concussion, or it might just have been Tatsuya's own unsteadiness, really), but moving along quickly. His gaze darted from side to side as he went, looking warily into every dark corner and shadow, but he never once looked back.
Tatsuya, drunk (and horny) enough that he was staring openly at those pretty long legs (and, if he were honest, that pretty tight ass) even though he felt like a perv for doing it, also didn't notice the missing tail that should have trailed down over both those very pretty things.
~*~
It was just noon when Tatsuya's shift at the gas station ended, but the day was already hot enough that he felt like he was melting on the short walk home. Calling it home was being kind of generous since it was just an abandoned warehouse they were squatting in, and the only reason they had power at all was because Joshima had managed to jury-rig a connection to the office complex behind them, but it was just enough to run some small lamps, a couple of fans, and the tiny refrigerator they all shared. Even standing in front of the open refrigerator with both fans blowing right on him didn't do much to relieve the heat. It was depressing, too, since the emptiness of the refrigerator seemed to mock him.
He counted out the money they had in his head. Five dollars left from his last paycheck (and more than a week to go to the next one) plus two dollars they still had from the temp job Joshima had gotten working a crane (one of his rare jobs that didn't involve delivering papers or collecting cardboard, since even though he had a license, the construction business was very much a who do you know type of thing, and Joshima, who grew up in the boonies and who was more than a little odd even taking that into account, basically knew no one). He banged his head against the mocking little appliance, wishing he could believe that seven dollars would be enough to keep them going until he got paid again, but they were already on starvation rations (which in Tatsuya's and Nagase's case meant eating like normal people), and no one was going to offer them gigs if they all looked like stick figures.
Tatsuya hadn't heard Taichi come in, so he must have been in back sleeping, only making his presence known after he'd apparently read Tatsuya's mind. "You could ask Nagase for some money. It would make him feel better if he were paying into the kitty, anyway."
It wasn't like Nagase smiled much anyway, but Tatsuya could hardly miss the worried wrinkle the kid would get between his brows when money was tight and yet Tatsuya wouldn't take any of the money Nagase had squirreled away. And Tatusya knew it was hypocritical to take the 'found' money Taichi sometimes contributed, even though he knew Taichi had found it by rolling some drunk businessmen sleeping it off outside the soapland down by the station (Taichi always saying that anyone stupid enough to pay to be covered in lube on rubber sheets when the only thing they got out of it was a handjob (which they could have given themselves for free), deserved whatever they got), and to refuse it from Nagase, when Nagase had at least given his clients good value for the money. But then Tatsuya liked to avoid self-reflection whenever possible, so he didn't really care if it was hypocritical, not as long as he never had to pay their way using money Nagase had made back before Tatsuya had talked him into staying. He just shook his head at Taichi and went back to staring at the emptiness, figuring that maybe he'd achieve some state of Zen if he kept at it long enough.
~*~
Nagase was helping Tatsuya set up the instruments, Taichi and Mabo were over by the bar (Taichi on business, talking to the owner about their payment, Mabo goofing off as he tried to talk up two women old enough to be his much older sister), and Joshima had disappeared (which happened at least three times a day, so it barely registered anymore). Tatsuya didn't mind; Nagase was easy to work with, getting the job done with a minimum of fuss, and the stage was small enough that they'd be tripping over each other when they played as it was.
Tatsuya looked up when he heard Mabo laugh (too loud, too obviously trying too hard), and shook his head. He'd thought the kid was a middle child when he'd first met him, that constant need for attention, but then he and Joshima had bonded over the only child thing, so Tatsuya had guessed that theory was out.
It wasn't until a couple of years later, a six-pack down after a gig one night, that Tatsuya had gotten a better one. Mabo, who was a practiced drinker even though he was barely 18 at the time, was with the fairies for once, smiling and relaxed in a way he rarely was. He and Joshima had been trading when I was a kid I was so poor that (insert horrible thing here) stories, and Mabo had said (voice drawling and full of Hokkaido vowels) that being dirt poor was like being magic; as far as most people were concerned, you'd just disappeared.
The women were some strange cross between flattered and sneering, and Tatsuya considered going over there and slapping the sly curl off their lips. He knew the brat could bring out the worst in people sometimes, like a puppy that had gone past cute into pathetic, but neither of the witches had anything to feel superior about, not if they were hanging around in this kind of bar at their age, neither of them getting talked up by anyone but a kid who had only turned legal six months ago. Two things stopped him: 1) the fact that they needed the gig, and the owner was hardly likely to take it kindly if his customers got slapped (even if they richly deserved it), and 2) Nagase, not even taking his eyes off the drum kit he was setting up, said, "Let it go. He won't thank you for cutting in on his action. Or even his lack of it."
Past experience said Nagase was right. His bankbook said the first reason was good, too. But Tatsuya had to grit his teeth every time he saw the women dancing along to their songs, and (childish as it was) he used the excuse of the tiny stage to stand right in front of their drummer through every set.
~*~
Tatsuya had lost his kitten ears and tail at 20. Some people lost theirs with their first even semi-sexual encounter with a partner (handjobs, blowjobs, circle jerks... hell, there was always at least one urban legend around about someone losing them because they masturbated too much), but Tatsuya hadn't lost his until he'd actually fucked someone (a guy he'd met at one of their gigs, both of them drunk and living life dangerously in a bathroom stall in a public restroom, Tatsuya a little scared that the cops might catch them even though the restroom at the park was deserted at that time of night).
Taichi had lost his at 17. He'd never said her name, nor even how he met her, and he'd certainly never brought her back to the 4-1/2 tatami mat room they were sharing with Joshima at the time. It was after it was obviously over that Taichi had gone from being sarcastic to being sarcastic and cynical, and none of the people (disappointment in women or truly bisexual, Tatsuya had never figured out) he'd fucked (or been fucked over by) since then had stopped that in the least.
Mabo had lost his ears and tail at 18 (the very day of, at that), and had sworn it was due to masturbation until Taichi had nearly taken his human ears off with the amount of scorn he'd heaped on them. The human ears had been bright red when Mabo had finally admitted that he'd taken a ride on the class bicycle to celebrate his birthday. Taichi had laughed when Mabo had stayed in touch with the girl, saying he was a soft touch, but it had also been Taichi who'd slipped Mabo the money to take her out to a nice dinner when they'd graduated.
Joshima was 19 when Tatsuya met him, and that had been seven years ago, but he still had his ears after all this time. [It was odd, too, because Tatsuya would have laid odds that Joshima might have been driven to what Nagase used to do (and still did from time to time, much as Tatsuya hated it) when he'd been so broke growing up (and so broke hitchhiking his way to Tokyo, and so broke trying to find a job once he got here, and so broke even now), but he couldn't see how the ears could have survived even a quickie blowjob in the bathroom at a train station. He certainly couldn't see how they'd survived the assorted handjobs and blowjobs he and Joshima used to give each other (and still did from time to time, when neither of them had anyone else to help out).] Even more oddly, Joshima had lost his tail at dinner one day (it just fell off, making a weird thump against the tatami mat for something so light, startling both Taichi and Tatsuya, though Joshima just blithely kept on eating). Tatsuya might have suspected falsies, but the ears were always so soft when he touched them (so soft when he gripped them as Joshima swallowed around him), and Tatsuya always forgot his curiosity when he had them in his hands.
Nagase would never say when he'd lost his (would never talk about the past at all), but one time, sick and miserable and high on cold medicine, he'd slipped between Tatsuya and Taichi on the old mattress they shared and had told them (among a bunch of slurred gibberish) that 1) he'd called his mother mama until he was 12, even though the other kids made fun of him, 2) that there was something in his closet that kept laughing and he didn't want to sleep in the other room anymore, and 3) that he'd lost his ears before any of them had. Even Taichi (four years older and sarcastic as hell) had been struck dumb at that, and he hadn't even complained when Nagase stole all the covers.
~*~
Joshima had gotten a part-time job delivering for a local store. He wasn't on the books and he didn't get paid for his work in money, but they sometimes got first dibs on the food past its sale date, and, almost as importantly, they got to use the store's backup delivery van for their out of town gigs. The van was on its last legs, held together mainly through duct tape, Tatsuya's mechanical skills, and whatever power five guys praying that the van would at least get them to the next town could give it. As a paycheck, it wasn't exactly legal, but it wasn't like Joshima was going to complain, no matter how much Taichi told him he should.
Tatsuya sat shotgun as always, watching out the sideview mirrors as Joshima bowed and beamed at the manager of the store, content with being underpaid for all the hours he put in because it got the band things they needed, and the manager was always quick with the 'you worked hard' type of praise; Joshima could make a meal out of even the scantest praise. It made Tatsuya angry sometimes, for reasons he couldn't quite define, but this time he just turned up the volume on the new demo CD they were going to sell at their gigs and waited for Joshima to get in.
Around the house they traded off chores so that no one got stuck with anything bad for too long, but when they drove, their places were set in stone (no matter how much Taichi griped about it). Joshima, the most careful of them, was always the driver, even back before the old, beat-up panel van (that they'd pretty much salvaged from the junk yard) had finally bit the dust altogether. Tatsuya was a good driver, too, but he never took a turn behind the wheel, since that would put Joshima (the oldest) in the navigator's seat, and they'd learned the hard way not to trust the man with a map.
The three youngest, screwed over by seniority, always got stuck in back. With the panel van it hadn't been too bad, kind of creaky and dusty, but with a fair amount of room (considering their gear was pretty bare bones). In the delivery van it was a tight fit; Taichi sitting on top of the amps, Mabo perched on the boxes for his kit, and Nagase lying on one of their old army surplus sleeping bags, folded like the letter S in between the guitars and keyboard.
It was uncomfortable, especially on a hot August afternoon without any A/C, but the road spread out before them like it was pointing to the future, and the drum of the air from the open windows and the thrum of bald tires on the asphalt played along with the rhythm from their CD, their voices rising and falling around it as they sang along.
~*~
It had just been Taichi and Tatsuya there when they'd met Mabo that first time. Joshima had never been that fond of Burger King (one case of food poisoning apparently enough to put him off Whoppers for life), and he'd been working late that night, anyway.
Tatsuya and Taichi had been doing their best to ignore the kid who was clowning around for a bunch of giggling high school girls (trying like mad to impress them). Both of them had put 16 well behind them (being the far more superior 18 and 21 instead) and they felt that tiny hint of superiority pretty much everyone got once they managed to survive puberty. It wasn't until a group of boys came up (also trying to show off for the girls, though their version was less 'look, aren't I cute', and more 'I'll scare the panties right off of you') that they'd really started to really pay attention.
Even then Tatsuya might have left the kid to his fate (a mass of bruises being the least painful scenario on the other boys' menu) if it hadn't been for three things:
1. The clown was actually kind of funny and cool once you started paying attention to him. Okay, he was annoying, too, but clever and a good talker, and if the other boys had been anything but major assholes, the kid might well have talked them around to his side.
2. Even though he wasn't there, Joshima might as well have been, since Tatsuya could just feel the wounded puppy dog look he would be giving if Tatsuya had just walked away.
3. Taichi forced his hand by kicking one of the boys in the balls, and it all pretty much escalated from there.
They never had been allowed back in that Burger King, but later that night Joshima found the silver lining to the whole mess, saying that getting a drummer for their band was certainly better than getting food poisoning.
~*~
Sometimes they made enough on the road to pay for one cheap hotel room (the love hotel with the Magic Fingers rotating bed had been a bargain), but mostly they pulled off the road somewhere out of the way and played rock paper scissors for who got the van and who had to camp out for the night.
Joshima, whose luck pretty much sucked in most things, was practically golden as far as getting the van went, and he won again that night, arranging their gear so that it made for as even a surface as possible. He chose Taichi to bunk with, claiming that Taichi was short and skinny enough to not take up much room, and Tatsuya managed not to smirk when Taichi added, "Plus I give awesome handjobs."
Nagase and Mabo actually giggled over it like they were both 5 instead of 18 and 20. For Mabo, that was nothing new; he laughed loudly even when it was just the five of them. It was rare from the kid, though, and Tatsuya stared for a moment, caught as always by how pretty that face was when it smiled.
Maybe it was because Tatsuya had stared, maybe it was because Nagase had read his mind like he sometimes seemed able to, or maybe he was just in the mood, but Nagase put his sleeping bag right next to Tatsuya's, his hand making its way across the short distance between them to flutter down Tatsuya's chest, to dance more firmly over his dick. This was much less rare than the laugh; the kid had been trying it off and on ever since the second time they'd met, never quite discouraged by Tatsuya's rejections. That was probably because Tatsuya's body made it quite clear that the rejection wasn't because he didn't like Nagase, even now his dick rising to that touch like a magnet to iron, but Tatsuya still breathed out, "No," shaking voice or not.
That usually ended it, but Nagase wasn't done surprising him for the night. Instead of moving his bag closer to the van like Mabo had done, or even just rolling over to actually get some sleep, Nagase left his (far too appealing) hand draped over Tatsuya's chest and cradled his head into the curve of Tatsuya's shoulder. He fit well there, even with all his ridiculous height, something he could somehow magically manage even when they were standing, and Tatsuya never turned that touch away, even though he suspected Nagase knew exactly what effect it had on him when he did it.
Lying that close, when Nagase started talking, it was like the words were in Tatsuya's head, blown in by the whisper that raised goosebumps down his back (and that made his dick grow harder still).
"There used to be a little boy named Tomoya. At least that's what his mother called him. His friends called him Tomo-chan and his sister called him a brat. His father... well, he never called, so it didn't matter. Tomoya was happy and dorky and laughed at just about everything, because just about everything was just that fun."
Tatsuya had wanted to hear this story almost from that first night, when he'd literally stumbled over the kid in the alley, but he was almost afraid to hear it now. His voice no steadier than it had been before, he asked, "What happened to him?"
Nagase laughed again; nothing like the giggle from earlier, this one sounding as cynical as Taichi at his worst. He drawled out liked he was Clint Eastwood about to do a quick draw, "He died with his ears on, pardner."
Tatsuya managed not to smack the kid in frustration, but it was a near thing. He knew that whatever door Nagase had unlocked for him, it probably wasn't open wide enough to let anything more through, but he couldn't help trying. "How? How did he die?"
Nothing broke the silence for the longest time (except for a muffled yell from the van that was probably Joshima (or Taichi, depending on who was better) finding out just how good the handjob really was). Tatsuya had begun to think that Nagase had fallen asleep on him when he finally said, "When you lose your ears at an early age, people have to choose what to believe: victim or slut. And it doesn't matter which is the truth. It doesn't even matter if neither of them is. Adults... they get to hide what they are. Predator, prey, slut, virgin, they get to be what they want to be without anyone being able to choose just by a glance." Nagase paused, then quirked his head, pulling his mouth away from Tatsuya's ear and giggling (a real giggle) again. "Well, except for Joshima-kun, who pretty much confuses everyone."
Tatsuya smiled at that, but didn't say anything, turning to look at the face that was so close to his, half-lit by a streetlight down the road. The kid was only 18, but most people thought him older (they'd never had any of the club owners not believe their lie about Nagase's age, though they'd had to show fake ID on Mabo any number of times, and even the legit ID after he turned 20). Part of the seeming age was the kid's unfair height, part of it was a face that had lost its baby fat early (largely due to the fact that they were always broke), but Tatsuya guessed that most of it was because Nagase had never been a kid. Tomoya, he'd been a kid, but... he'd died with his ears on.
"Which was it? Victim or slut? Or something else altogether?"
Nagase's shrug pushed against Tatsuya's arm, as if they were both waving away the past. "He never told me. But I have to say that if I were him, I'd take being a slut over being a victim any day. It's far more fun."
He didn't say anything else, just rolled over on his back and fell asleep, his wonky sinuses making him snore softly. Tatsuya listened to it for a long time (trying not to find it endearing).
~*~
Tatsuya and Joshima had never actually invited Taichi to live with them. The apartment had been tiny, barely big enough for them and their guitars, let alone the amps and perhaps a couple of changes of clothes. The bathroom had been down the hall, the kitchen had been a hot plate (which was okay, since all they could afford was cup noodles), and they'd bathed (when they'd had the money for it) at the somewhat scary bathhouse (cockroaches the size of rats, and water that sort of looked like the cockroaches were also bathing in it) down the street.
They'd met Taichi at the bathhouse one afternoon, and he and Tatsuya had hit it off right away; they'd liked the same music, they'd liked the same actresses, they'd liked the same cup noodles. It was all superficial stuff, but they'd been still mostly kids at that point, and who needed more than that to go on at that age?
Joshima, apparently. He'd thought Taichi kind of rude (Taichi had segued from Joshima-san, to Joshima-kun, to Shige-chan in just about five minutes), and he hadn't appreciated Taichi's sharp tongue, either.
That might have been that, since it wasn't like Tatsuya was going to throw over someone he'd known for a while for a kid he'd just met, but Taichi hadn't really caught that clue (or had deliberately ignored it, knowing him). He'd invited himself over to their apartment the second time they'd met, he'd brought beer over the next day, and some fresh fruit came with him on Sunday. Joshima, born to be civil even when he didn't want to be, was worn down little by little, but neither he nor Tatsuya had thought it any more than that.
It had been the spare set of shoes next to theirs by the door that was the first clue that something was up. Then it was a cup that Taichi was especially fond of. The nights he slept over after a couple of beers got to be more frequent, and then a new toothbrush showed up beside theirs in their bathroom kit. After the keyboard showed up, and it turned out that Taichi really could play it, it seemed kind of silly to kick him out.
That Sunday, instead of bringing fruit, Taichi moved the rest of his stuff in (which was pretty much just some underwear and an old baseball cap at that point).
~*~
Tatsuya had always heard that there was truth in alcohol, which he figured made him fairly virtuous right about then... if the saying was as truthful as he was, anyway. He laughed at his pun, liking how the world spun a little when he did. He wasn't completely fecked yet, but he was certainly past tipsy.
It made him happy being not quite drunk; the world was easier, and the things he worried about seemed doable in a way they never did sober. Fame and fortune, love and world peace, it was all so close.
He didn't know why he chose that night of all nights to say something, but maybe it had something to do with how Nagase was close, too. The others had all headed to bed earlier (Mabo because he'd gotten a temp job as a dogwalker and had to get up early, Joshima because he was doing deliveries and had to get up early, Taichi because he was (apparently, though he'd never actually say it) trying to make Joshima finally lose his ears), but Nagase was still right beside him; on the couch, drink for drink.
If he'd been asked, he'd probably have said he was going to talk about the truth in alcohol, or perhaps world peace, but when he turned his head to look at Nagase, what he actually said was, "I want to know how you lost your ears. I'm going to always want to know, and it kind of drives me a little crazy that you'll likely never tell me. And it doesn't matter to me whether you were a slut or a victim... except in that way it totally matters, because I want to make it right somehow. Or maybe it's just that I want to punch anyone who's ever touched you. Something like that, anyway.
But I know I can't make it right, not for any of you. Mabo's going to keep doing his best not to be invisible ever again. Joshima's going to look for validation like it's a religion, since the one person he wants it from the most is never going to be there. Taichi's going to wear his armor made of sarcasm and cynicism and keep trying to never be hurt again. You... you're going to be Nagase, never Tomoya, the little boy with the dorky smile that he lost along with his ears. And I... I'm going to always want to save you guys, even though none of you would be the people I love if I did."
Nagase had sat quiet all the way through the speech, slowly blinking as he listened (a little less not quite drunk than Tatsuya), but he nodded when Tatsuya finally wound down. "Got it. No saving any of us, 'cause you're as fucked up as we are and you finally figured that out."
Tatsuya started to object, since that wasn't what he'd meant at all, but then it occurred to him that actually it kind of was. Maybe there really was truth in alcohol, after all.
He leaned closer to Nagase, meaning to explain that theory as well, but Nagase kissed him before he could. Tatsuya kissed him back, no thought of rejection anywhere in him. He still wanted to save the kid, and part of him always would, but he figured as long as they were both going to be fucked up, at least they could be fucked up together.
/story
Title: Asymptotic
Category: AU, drama
Pairing: Gussan/Nagase mainly, but there's references to casual (and perhaps more than a little casual in Taichi and Leader's case) sex between the guys and between them and other people (het included)
Rating: NC-17, but more for language and implication, really
Warnings: Teenage prostitution (implied), underage sex (implied), neko ears (yeah, just like in anime, though it's the only anime part of it), implication of something that might have been rape, but might not have been, some OOC (but with reason), underage drinking, rolling drunks for money (er, in other words, sometimes the guys aren't entirely legal about things ;), hmm, plus it's a little weird in ways (if the neko ears didn't give that away)!
Summary: They're all headed in the same direction, but none of them are quite the same.
A/N: I have a story outline that's a fusion of the anime Loveless, where Changmin and Yunho are a sacrifice and a fighter (which, yes, is also weird), but in that one there are no neko ears (because it's not really important to the story). But I started thinking about how odd it would be if everyone could tell you weren't a virgin anymore because you'd lost your neko ears, and what that would mean to someone who was really young and... well, this is what happened. ;) Nagase's OOC in this, but I hope that underneath the reason for that, that you'll still be able to see him in it.
All that being said, I'm also pleased to have actually completed a story without having edited it into oblivion, yays! Of course, with how odd this one is, there's a chance that no one will be all that happy I finished it, but still, yays! :P
~*~
[The first time Tatsuya saw the kid, he didn't notice the missing ears.]The first time Tatsuya saw the kid, he didn't notice the missing ears. There were any number of reasons for it:
1. The kid was damn tall for his age (damn tall for almost any age, actually, since he was already 175cm at 15), so even though Tatsuya hadn't just thought of him as 'kid' for nothing, it still didn't completely register how young he was, and the lack of ears didn't stand out as much as it might have.
2. The kid had a really fluffy hairstyle back then (though he totally denied it now); long on top and moussed up for volume, but slick back along the sides. His human ears showed clearly against the sides (standing out a little like a monkey, but looking kind of cute all the same). But the kitten ears might well have been lost in the puff on top, so that might have distracted Tatsuya a bit, too.
3. (And this was the big one if Tatsuya were being honest) Tatsuya was about three beers past monkey-full. If he hadn't already thrown up a couple of alleys back from where he met the kid, he might have been throwing up all over him in the alley where he found him, lying there bruised and broken and not crying in the least (even though Tatsuya felt a little like crying just looking at him).
The kid had let Tatsuya help him up, but he'd waved him off after that, just giving Tatsuya a lopsided grin and a (somewhat sarcastic) salute as he walked away, looking a little unsteady on his feet (which might have been a sign of a concussion, or it might just have been Tatsuya's own unsteadiness, really), but moving along quickly. His gaze darted from side to side as he went, looking warily into every dark corner and shadow, but he never once looked back.
Tatsuya, drunk (and horny) enough that he was staring openly at those pretty long legs (and, if he were honest, that pretty tight ass) even though he felt like a perv for doing it, also didn't notice the missing tail that should have trailed down over both those very pretty things.
~*~
It was just noon when Tatsuya's shift at the gas station ended, but the day was already hot enough that he felt like he was melting on the short walk home. Calling it home was being kind of generous since it was just an abandoned warehouse they were squatting in, and the only reason they had power at all was because Joshima had managed to jury-rig a connection to the office complex behind them, but it was just enough to run some small lamps, a couple of fans, and the tiny refrigerator they all shared. Even standing in front of the open refrigerator with both fans blowing right on him didn't do much to relieve the heat. It was depressing, too, since the emptiness of the refrigerator seemed to mock him.
He counted out the money they had in his head. Five dollars left from his last paycheck (and more than a week to go to the next one) plus two dollars they still had from the temp job Joshima had gotten working a crane (one of his rare jobs that didn't involve delivering papers or collecting cardboard, since even though he had a license, the construction business was very much a who do you know type of thing, and Joshima, who grew up in the boonies and who was more than a little odd even taking that into account, basically knew no one). He banged his head against the mocking little appliance, wishing he could believe that seven dollars would be enough to keep them going until he got paid again, but they were already on starvation rations (which in Tatsuya's and Nagase's case meant eating like normal people), and no one was going to offer them gigs if they all looked like stick figures.
Tatsuya hadn't heard Taichi come in, so he must have been in back sleeping, only making his presence known after he'd apparently read Tatsuya's mind. "You could ask Nagase for some money. It would make him feel better if he were paying into the kitty, anyway."
It wasn't like Nagase smiled much anyway, but Tatsuya could hardly miss the worried wrinkle the kid would get between his brows when money was tight and yet Tatsuya wouldn't take any of the money Nagase had squirreled away. And Tatusya knew it was hypocritical to take the 'found' money Taichi sometimes contributed, even though he knew Taichi had found it by rolling some drunk businessmen sleeping it off outside the soapland down by the station (Taichi always saying that anyone stupid enough to pay to be covered in lube on rubber sheets when the only thing they got out of it was a handjob (which they could have given themselves for free), deserved whatever they got), and to refuse it from Nagase, when Nagase had at least given his clients good value for the money. But then Tatsuya liked to avoid self-reflection whenever possible, so he didn't really care if it was hypocritical, not as long as he never had to pay their way using money Nagase had made back before Tatsuya had talked him into staying. He just shook his head at Taichi and went back to staring at the emptiness, figuring that maybe he'd achieve some state of Zen if he kept at it long enough.
~*~
Nagase was helping Tatsuya set up the instruments, Taichi and Mabo were over by the bar (Taichi on business, talking to the owner about their payment, Mabo goofing off as he tried to talk up two women old enough to be his much older sister), and Joshima had disappeared (which happened at least three times a day, so it barely registered anymore). Tatsuya didn't mind; Nagase was easy to work with, getting the job done with a minimum of fuss, and the stage was small enough that they'd be tripping over each other when they played as it was.
Tatsuya looked up when he heard Mabo laugh (too loud, too obviously trying too hard), and shook his head. He'd thought the kid was a middle child when he'd first met him, that constant need for attention, but then he and Joshima had bonded over the only child thing, so Tatsuya had guessed that theory was out.
It wasn't until a couple of years later, a six-pack down after a gig one night, that Tatsuya had gotten a better one. Mabo, who was a practiced drinker even though he was barely 18 at the time, was with the fairies for once, smiling and relaxed in a way he rarely was. He and Joshima had been trading when I was a kid I was so poor that (insert horrible thing here) stories, and Mabo had said (voice drawling and full of Hokkaido vowels) that being dirt poor was like being magic; as far as most people were concerned, you'd just disappeared.
The women were some strange cross between flattered and sneering, and Tatsuya considered going over there and slapping the sly curl off their lips. He knew the brat could bring out the worst in people sometimes, like a puppy that had gone past cute into pathetic, but neither of the witches had anything to feel superior about, not if they were hanging around in this kind of bar at their age, neither of them getting talked up by anyone but a kid who had only turned legal six months ago. Two things stopped him: 1) the fact that they needed the gig, and the owner was hardly likely to take it kindly if his customers got slapped (even if they richly deserved it), and 2) Nagase, not even taking his eyes off the drum kit he was setting up, said, "Let it go. He won't thank you for cutting in on his action. Or even his lack of it."
Past experience said Nagase was right. His bankbook said the first reason was good, too. But Tatsuya had to grit his teeth every time he saw the women dancing along to their songs, and (childish as it was) he used the excuse of the tiny stage to stand right in front of their drummer through every set.
~*~
Tatsuya had lost his kitten ears and tail at 20. Some people lost theirs with their first even semi-sexual encounter with a partner (handjobs, blowjobs, circle jerks... hell, there was always at least one urban legend around about someone losing them because they masturbated too much), but Tatsuya hadn't lost his until he'd actually fucked someone (a guy he'd met at one of their gigs, both of them drunk and living life dangerously in a bathroom stall in a public restroom, Tatsuya a little scared that the cops might catch them even though the restroom at the park was deserted at that time of night).
Taichi had lost his at 17. He'd never said her name, nor even how he met her, and he'd certainly never brought her back to the 4-1/2 tatami mat room they were sharing with Joshima at the time. It was after it was obviously over that Taichi had gone from being sarcastic to being sarcastic and cynical, and none of the people (disappointment in women or truly bisexual, Tatsuya had never figured out) he'd fucked (or been fucked over by) since then had stopped that in the least.
Mabo had lost his ears and tail at 18 (the very day of, at that), and had sworn it was due to masturbation until Taichi had nearly taken his human ears off with the amount of scorn he'd heaped on them. The human ears had been bright red when Mabo had finally admitted that he'd taken a ride on the class bicycle to celebrate his birthday. Taichi had laughed when Mabo had stayed in touch with the girl, saying he was a soft touch, but it had also been Taichi who'd slipped Mabo the money to take her out to a nice dinner when they'd graduated.
Joshima was 19 when Tatsuya met him, and that had been seven years ago, but he still had his ears after all this time. [It was odd, too, because Tatsuya would have laid odds that Joshima might have been driven to what Nagase used to do (and still did from time to time, much as Tatsuya hated it) when he'd been so broke growing up (and so broke hitchhiking his way to Tokyo, and so broke trying to find a job once he got here, and so broke even now), but he couldn't see how the ears could have survived even a quickie blowjob in the bathroom at a train station. He certainly couldn't see how they'd survived the assorted handjobs and blowjobs he and Joshima used to give each other (and still did from time to time, when neither of them had anyone else to help out).] Even more oddly, Joshima had lost his tail at dinner one day (it just fell off, making a weird thump against the tatami mat for something so light, startling both Taichi and Tatsuya, though Joshima just blithely kept on eating). Tatsuya might have suspected falsies, but the ears were always so soft when he touched them (so soft when he gripped them as Joshima swallowed around him), and Tatsuya always forgot his curiosity when he had them in his hands.
Nagase would never say when he'd lost his (would never talk about the past at all), but one time, sick and miserable and high on cold medicine, he'd slipped between Tatsuya and Taichi on the old mattress they shared and had told them (among a bunch of slurred gibberish) that 1) he'd called his mother mama until he was 12, even though the other kids made fun of him, 2) that there was something in his closet that kept laughing and he didn't want to sleep in the other room anymore, and 3) that he'd lost his ears before any of them had. Even Taichi (four years older and sarcastic as hell) had been struck dumb at that, and he hadn't even complained when Nagase stole all the covers.
~*~
Joshima had gotten a part-time job delivering for a local store. He wasn't on the books and he didn't get paid for his work in money, but they sometimes got first dibs on the food past its sale date, and, almost as importantly, they got to use the store's backup delivery van for their out of town gigs. The van was on its last legs, held together mainly through duct tape, Tatsuya's mechanical skills, and whatever power five guys praying that the van would at least get them to the next town could give it. As a paycheck, it wasn't exactly legal, but it wasn't like Joshima was going to complain, no matter how much Taichi told him he should.
Tatsuya sat shotgun as always, watching out the sideview mirrors as Joshima bowed and beamed at the manager of the store, content with being underpaid for all the hours he put in because it got the band things they needed, and the manager was always quick with the 'you worked hard' type of praise; Joshima could make a meal out of even the scantest praise. It made Tatsuya angry sometimes, for reasons he couldn't quite define, but this time he just turned up the volume on the new demo CD they were going to sell at their gigs and waited for Joshima to get in.
Around the house they traded off chores so that no one got stuck with anything bad for too long, but when they drove, their places were set in stone (no matter how much Taichi griped about it). Joshima, the most careful of them, was always the driver, even back before the old, beat-up panel van (that they'd pretty much salvaged from the junk yard) had finally bit the dust altogether. Tatsuya was a good driver, too, but he never took a turn behind the wheel, since that would put Joshima (the oldest) in the navigator's seat, and they'd learned the hard way not to trust the man with a map.
The three youngest, screwed over by seniority, always got stuck in back. With the panel van it hadn't been too bad, kind of creaky and dusty, but with a fair amount of room (considering their gear was pretty bare bones). In the delivery van it was a tight fit; Taichi sitting on top of the amps, Mabo perched on the boxes for his kit, and Nagase lying on one of their old army surplus sleeping bags, folded like the letter S in between the guitars and keyboard.
It was uncomfortable, especially on a hot August afternoon without any A/C, but the road spread out before them like it was pointing to the future, and the drum of the air from the open windows and the thrum of bald tires on the asphalt played along with the rhythm from their CD, their voices rising and falling around it as they sang along.
~*~
It had just been Taichi and Tatsuya there when they'd met Mabo that first time. Joshima had never been that fond of Burger King (one case of food poisoning apparently enough to put him off Whoppers for life), and he'd been working late that night, anyway.
Tatsuya and Taichi had been doing their best to ignore the kid who was clowning around for a bunch of giggling high school girls (trying like mad to impress them). Both of them had put 16 well behind them (being the far more superior 18 and 21 instead) and they felt that tiny hint of superiority pretty much everyone got once they managed to survive puberty. It wasn't until a group of boys came up (also trying to show off for the girls, though their version was less 'look, aren't I cute', and more 'I'll scare the panties right off of you') that they'd really started to really pay attention.
Even then Tatsuya might have left the kid to his fate (a mass of bruises being the least painful scenario on the other boys' menu) if it hadn't been for three things:
1. The clown was actually kind of funny and cool once you started paying attention to him. Okay, he was annoying, too, but clever and a good talker, and if the other boys had been anything but major assholes, the kid might well have talked them around to his side.
2. Even though he wasn't there, Joshima might as well have been, since Tatsuya could just feel the wounded puppy dog look he would be giving if Tatsuya had just walked away.
3. Taichi forced his hand by kicking one of the boys in the balls, and it all pretty much escalated from there.
They never had been allowed back in that Burger King, but later that night Joshima found the silver lining to the whole mess, saying that getting a drummer for their band was certainly better than getting food poisoning.
~*~
Sometimes they made enough on the road to pay for one cheap hotel room (the love hotel with the Magic Fingers rotating bed had been a bargain), but mostly they pulled off the road somewhere out of the way and played rock paper scissors for who got the van and who had to camp out for the night.
Joshima, whose luck pretty much sucked in most things, was practically golden as far as getting the van went, and he won again that night, arranging their gear so that it made for as even a surface as possible. He chose Taichi to bunk with, claiming that Taichi was short and skinny enough to not take up much room, and Tatsuya managed not to smirk when Taichi added, "Plus I give awesome handjobs."
Nagase and Mabo actually giggled over it like they were both 5 instead of 18 and 20. For Mabo, that was nothing new; he laughed loudly even when it was just the five of them. It was rare from the kid, though, and Tatsuya stared for a moment, caught as always by how pretty that face was when it smiled.
Maybe it was because Tatsuya had stared, maybe it was because Nagase had read his mind like he sometimes seemed able to, or maybe he was just in the mood, but Nagase put his sleeping bag right next to Tatsuya's, his hand making its way across the short distance between them to flutter down Tatsuya's chest, to dance more firmly over his dick. This was much less rare than the laugh; the kid had been trying it off and on ever since the second time they'd met, never quite discouraged by Tatsuya's rejections. That was probably because Tatsuya's body made it quite clear that the rejection wasn't because he didn't like Nagase, even now his dick rising to that touch like a magnet to iron, but Tatsuya still breathed out, "No," shaking voice or not.
That usually ended it, but Nagase wasn't done surprising him for the night. Instead of moving his bag closer to the van like Mabo had done, or even just rolling over to actually get some sleep, Nagase left his (far too appealing) hand draped over Tatsuya's chest and cradled his head into the curve of Tatsuya's shoulder. He fit well there, even with all his ridiculous height, something he could somehow magically manage even when they were standing, and Tatsuya never turned that touch away, even though he suspected Nagase knew exactly what effect it had on him when he did it.
Lying that close, when Nagase started talking, it was like the words were in Tatsuya's head, blown in by the whisper that raised goosebumps down his back (and that made his dick grow harder still).
"There used to be a little boy named Tomoya. At least that's what his mother called him. His friends called him Tomo-chan and his sister called him a brat. His father... well, he never called, so it didn't matter. Tomoya was happy and dorky and laughed at just about everything, because just about everything was just that fun."
Tatsuya had wanted to hear this story almost from that first night, when he'd literally stumbled over the kid in the alley, but he was almost afraid to hear it now. His voice no steadier than it had been before, he asked, "What happened to him?"
Nagase laughed again; nothing like the giggle from earlier, this one sounding as cynical as Taichi at his worst. He drawled out liked he was Clint Eastwood about to do a quick draw, "He died with his ears on, pardner."
Tatsuya managed not to smack the kid in frustration, but it was a near thing. He knew that whatever door Nagase had unlocked for him, it probably wasn't open wide enough to let anything more through, but he couldn't help trying. "How? How did he die?"
Nothing broke the silence for the longest time (except for a muffled yell from the van that was probably Joshima (or Taichi, depending on who was better) finding out just how good the handjob really was). Tatsuya had begun to think that Nagase had fallen asleep on him when he finally said, "When you lose your ears at an early age, people have to choose what to believe: victim or slut. And it doesn't matter which is the truth. It doesn't even matter if neither of them is. Adults... they get to hide what they are. Predator, prey, slut, virgin, they get to be what they want to be without anyone being able to choose just by a glance." Nagase paused, then quirked his head, pulling his mouth away from Tatsuya's ear and giggling (a real giggle) again. "Well, except for Joshima-kun, who pretty much confuses everyone."
Tatsuya smiled at that, but didn't say anything, turning to look at the face that was so close to his, half-lit by a streetlight down the road. The kid was only 18, but most people thought him older (they'd never had any of the club owners not believe their lie about Nagase's age, though they'd had to show fake ID on Mabo any number of times, and even the legit ID after he turned 20). Part of the seeming age was the kid's unfair height, part of it was a face that had lost its baby fat early (largely due to the fact that they were always broke), but Tatsuya guessed that most of it was because Nagase had never been a kid. Tomoya, he'd been a kid, but... he'd died with his ears on.
"Which was it? Victim or slut? Or something else altogether?"
Nagase's shrug pushed against Tatsuya's arm, as if they were both waving away the past. "He never told me. But I have to say that if I were him, I'd take being a slut over being a victim any day. It's far more fun."
He didn't say anything else, just rolled over on his back and fell asleep, his wonky sinuses making him snore softly. Tatsuya listened to it for a long time (trying not to find it endearing).
~*~
Tatsuya and Joshima had never actually invited Taichi to live with them. The apartment had been tiny, barely big enough for them and their guitars, let alone the amps and perhaps a couple of changes of clothes. The bathroom had been down the hall, the kitchen had been a hot plate (which was okay, since all they could afford was cup noodles), and they'd bathed (when they'd had the money for it) at the somewhat scary bathhouse (cockroaches the size of rats, and water that sort of looked like the cockroaches were also bathing in it) down the street.
They'd met Taichi at the bathhouse one afternoon, and he and Tatsuya had hit it off right away; they'd liked the same music, they'd liked the same actresses, they'd liked the same cup noodles. It was all superficial stuff, but they'd been still mostly kids at that point, and who needed more than that to go on at that age?
Joshima, apparently. He'd thought Taichi kind of rude (Taichi had segued from Joshima-san, to Joshima-kun, to Shige-chan in just about five minutes), and he hadn't appreciated Taichi's sharp tongue, either.
That might have been that, since it wasn't like Tatsuya was going to throw over someone he'd known for a while for a kid he'd just met, but Taichi hadn't really caught that clue (or had deliberately ignored it, knowing him). He'd invited himself over to their apartment the second time they'd met, he'd brought beer over the next day, and some fresh fruit came with him on Sunday. Joshima, born to be civil even when he didn't want to be, was worn down little by little, but neither he nor Tatsuya had thought it any more than that.
It had been the spare set of shoes next to theirs by the door that was the first clue that something was up. Then it was a cup that Taichi was especially fond of. The nights he slept over after a couple of beers got to be more frequent, and then a new toothbrush showed up beside theirs in their bathroom kit. After the keyboard showed up, and it turned out that Taichi really could play it, it seemed kind of silly to kick him out.
That Sunday, instead of bringing fruit, Taichi moved the rest of his stuff in (which was pretty much just some underwear and an old baseball cap at that point).
~*~
Tatsuya had always heard that there was truth in alcohol, which he figured made him fairly virtuous right about then... if the saying was as truthful as he was, anyway. He laughed at his pun, liking how the world spun a little when he did. He wasn't completely fecked yet, but he was certainly past tipsy.
It made him happy being not quite drunk; the world was easier, and the things he worried about seemed doable in a way they never did sober. Fame and fortune, love and world peace, it was all so close.
He didn't know why he chose that night of all nights to say something, but maybe it had something to do with how Nagase was close, too. The others had all headed to bed earlier (Mabo because he'd gotten a temp job as a dogwalker and had to get up early, Joshima because he was doing deliveries and had to get up early, Taichi because he was (apparently, though he'd never actually say it) trying to make Joshima finally lose his ears), but Nagase was still right beside him; on the couch, drink for drink.
If he'd been asked, he'd probably have said he was going to talk about the truth in alcohol, or perhaps world peace, but when he turned his head to look at Nagase, what he actually said was, "I want to know how you lost your ears. I'm going to always want to know, and it kind of drives me a little crazy that you'll likely never tell me. And it doesn't matter to me whether you were a slut or a victim... except in that way it totally matters, because I want to make it right somehow. Or maybe it's just that I want to punch anyone who's ever touched you. Something like that, anyway.
But I know I can't make it right, not for any of you. Mabo's going to keep doing his best not to be invisible ever again. Joshima's going to look for validation like it's a religion, since the one person he wants it from the most is never going to be there. Taichi's going to wear his armor made of sarcasm and cynicism and keep trying to never be hurt again. You... you're going to be Nagase, never Tomoya, the little boy with the dorky smile that he lost along with his ears. And I... I'm going to always want to save you guys, even though none of you would be the people I love if I did."
Nagase had sat quiet all the way through the speech, slowly blinking as he listened (a little less not quite drunk than Tatsuya), but he nodded when Tatsuya finally wound down. "Got it. No saving any of us, 'cause you're as fucked up as we are and you finally figured that out."
Tatsuya started to object, since that wasn't what he'd meant at all, but then it occurred to him that actually it kind of was. Maybe there really was truth in alcohol, after all.
He leaned closer to Nagase, meaning to explain that theory as well, but Nagase kissed him before he could. Tatsuya kissed him back, no thought of rejection anywhere in him. He still wanted to save the kid, and part of him always would, but he figured as long as they were both going to be fucked up, at least they could be fucked up together.
/story