(no subject)
religion
- I stopped seeking philosophy when I accepted the world as it
is. Now I have also stopped seeking religion. What I
wanted, what I thrived on, was the intensity and depth of the light
bulb moment, the new idea that felt so right, the awe. So of
course, no belief could keep it's newness and I must each time move on
to another, all the while unaware that it was the feeling of
illumination I sought, not the appearance of the world through that
belief. I wanted intensity and depth. Religion is about
transcendence. I was looking in the wrong place. When I got
frustrated and turned more toward life than mysticism, I was doing the
right thing.
Really, all I wanted was love - to receive, recognize and accept the love of others and to love myself. I have all of those now.
the past year - In Scotland, I was lonely. The loneliness was beautiful to me, but eventually got to be too much. I shut down, stopped exploring the country and meeting people. Came home to Ron and wanted to envelope myself in him, to never be lonely again. He has been like a warm, comfortable bed that you just don't want to get out of, even if you should. I have given up much of the freedom and strength I found in Scotland. I was aware of it and completely unmotivated to do a thing about it, so I lost the trust in myself that I'd had, the trust that I would do the right thing when it really mattered. The certainty of the young. Very slowly, I have been getting out of this bed. Very slowly. I'm not angry at myself anymore now. I drank up all the love I could get and now I can move on, without gorging like that again. Now I am giving back.
ron - He hides. He hides behind his generosity, ignoring himself in favor of others, and he hides behind his carelessness, accepting no deserts, avoiding responsibility. He has learned very well how to adapt to hiding while still feeling alive, which I was unable to do. In some places he is covered over; in others he bursts through. Where it is safe, he pours out his joy de vive. Before, he poured it out in reckless experimentation. Like a criminal, he tried to get all he could out of life before getting caught. Now he feels no restlessness for that old life. His joy de vive is poured into his love for me. Anyone can see how much of himself goes into love. And lately it has spilled more into friends too; he has begun to open up and believe in their love for him. Pouring out in love motivates him to be responsible. Admitting to my love and the love of friends gradually increases his self-esteem. When he stops hiding, he will have no trouble with responsibilities. He will be able to relax without need to deaden his mind or distract it. He will have more hobbies. His joy de vive will run through all his life. It's happening. He's getting there. I can see it, feel it. He wants to learn makeup art - for himself. Something he enjoys. He won't buy a book because we would have to buy makeup too and it would be expensive. I told him what he's really saying is that he's not worth it. I told him that if he says that again, then the next time we see pretty clothes I want, I will say it's too much and we should spend the money on makeup instead. Now I am okay in myself and devoted to him.
connections - My graduation party went beautifully. It was smaller than expected, so it didn't feel like a party; it felt like I just had a lot of friends over. I designed the opening ritual myself and led a meditation for the first time. It was about heart chakra opening. I spoke about how I want to live in my months of freedom. Most important are connections deeper than words, so that we will miss each other when we are apart instead of just when we see each other again. It began instantly, amazingly. Shedonist... now that we are closer I want to call her by her given name, Amanda... she gave me a magnet that says "live your ideal life". We talked and realized that we haven't connected as much before because we have both been busy going through similiar processes. Now we have reached a plateau and turned around to help our partners. We have the same philosophy for life. It was incredible to hear her talk about her dying mother, her acceptance of death and the beauty and quality that she and her mother now share because of its proximity. I was awed. It reminded me of the beauty I felt in Spain, when I was in so much pain. I feel she'd understand that better than anyone. We both have such a passion for beauty, seeking it everywhere in life. I can't explain. I feel such a kinship with her. We'll be close friends from here on out, friends beyond words.
And Aernk. He told me how connected he feels to me now and I confessed that I did not yet feel the same way, since whenever I asked him about himself he gave only vague abstractions. I asked him to give me more. He started to talk about his life, telling stories that felt rather rehearsed to me. "Deeper", I kept telling him, "go deeper". He'd say "No, this is important" and I'd wait patiently for awhile, then ask again, and he'd smile and move on to something deeper. Finally he reached it, the thing that struck depth in his voice. He talked about how he feels about the woods. There the connection between us was fastened. We both share the same spirituality toward the woods. I was surprised to find that the deepest he went was the place I could connect to him. We both see the same magik and mystery, and feel the same homey familiarity. To him the mystery is stronger, to me the familiarity is. I can't wait to spend time in the woods with him. Beneath words.
Ron's friend Tanham came, who he had not seen in years. I walked into the bedroom and found them talking and saw him in the healthiest relationship I've ever seen him in. He does not try to give to her; he does not hide behind his giving. They stand side by side without leaning or asking each other to lean. They know each other deeply and well. I have never seen him like that with any friend before, so I told them what I saw. I told Tanham she's always very welcome to visit, that I see how they are together and want them together as much as possible. They were both glowing, had not known they would feel this close. It was beautiful. I am so happy for Ron.
These were the highlights of the party. I felt my heart so open, so much more able to love. I still feel warmed and enfolded by love for and from friends, as I never have before. I was not open enough. I had no idea what I was missing, sittiing always on a hard floor instead of a cushion, simply because I didn't recognize it.
where to live from - "She lacks the courage of her true personality, which is sensual." Anais Nin, of course. It made me stop to think today. I have always been so full of big philosophical questions. Who am I? What is the world like? I started asking them again, confusing myself until I wrote "I know more when I feel than when I think." I had again confused myself about my own identity and where to live my life from. Then I looked up and saw Sparrow napping on the deep purple sofa. "No", I thought, "I have built something solid here." I have built things that come from my genuine self. I started to list the things I love: deep, rich colors, PDA, rain, birds that hop on both feet, lighted windows at night, moss, soft surfaces, smooth surfaces, hard surfaces, dancing... I should live from the things I value. I have lived before from the desire to feel loved and from the desire to heal, but the East is right that living for desires prevents happiness. If I live for what I value and always learn to value more, than I will live for what I can always have. Soft surfaces. Smooth surfaces. Hard surfaces. It's a question of priority. The things I love should matter most and all else be for their sake. Philosophical questions for the pleasure of it. Healing because it brings more beauty into my life, more ability to love and be loved. To be happy, I think, we need a minimum of bodily needs met and we need each other's love... and we need a good attitude. Live for the simple pleasures and happiness is easy. Enjoy the rest, but keep happiness if it fails.
writing - At last I have found the voice I've been searching for. It is everything that is best in my previous writing, but more so. I've started a novel. It is poetic, sensual, insightful, realistic, philosophical, beautiful. And I have enough of it for my fiction portfolio for the february deadline schools. The novel is called Heaven Runs and is modeled on the story of Helen of Troy. It is a cross between Helen, Anais (who everyone seemed to fall in love with) and my own life and thoughts. It's set in modern times. Helen's husband is much older than her and wants her to have other lovers. (yes, he's modeled after Ron). One of these lovers will be Troy, who she leaves him for. The battle takes place because Troy demands compromises of Helen that Mr. Menelaus disapproves of. Everyone takes sides. There is a question of what happens when you worship Aphrodite, making love supreme. Everyone believes in the Greek gods. Helen's mother, Leda, has a pet swan named Zeus. When nosy women ask who Helen's father is, she tells them that the swan seduced her. She says it with a straight face then goes to the bathroom to fall on the floor, laughing in hysterics.
The writing comes so easily to me, far better than anything I've ever written before. I read it over and am amazed it came from me. And the story allows me to mix my life with my fantasies. It makes me feel so potent. It makes me feel like a real writer.
Israel - It's been decided. Ron's going to see his sister for two weeks. His mother bought him a ticket. I was terrified of being alone so long and we considered spending the money ourselves to bring me with him. I called Amanda and she told me that this independence fits perfectly with what I want for myself now. She's right. I just don't have the trust I did, and have not gotten out of this bed yet. I was afraid I'd be lonely and miserable and do nothing, see no one. But if the little things can make me happy, I'll be alright. And I can stop taking everything as a test, then there's no worry of failure. It's been decided, and I'm alright now. I can live as I want to live. My life is just beginning.
Really, all I wanted was love - to receive, recognize and accept the love of others and to love myself. I have all of those now.
the past year - In Scotland, I was lonely. The loneliness was beautiful to me, but eventually got to be too much. I shut down, stopped exploring the country and meeting people. Came home to Ron and wanted to envelope myself in him, to never be lonely again. He has been like a warm, comfortable bed that you just don't want to get out of, even if you should. I have given up much of the freedom and strength I found in Scotland. I was aware of it and completely unmotivated to do a thing about it, so I lost the trust in myself that I'd had, the trust that I would do the right thing when it really mattered. The certainty of the young. Very slowly, I have been getting out of this bed. Very slowly. I'm not angry at myself anymore now. I drank up all the love I could get and now I can move on, without gorging like that again. Now I am giving back.
ron - He hides. He hides behind his generosity, ignoring himself in favor of others, and he hides behind his carelessness, accepting no deserts, avoiding responsibility. He has learned very well how to adapt to hiding while still feeling alive, which I was unable to do. In some places he is covered over; in others he bursts through. Where it is safe, he pours out his joy de vive. Before, he poured it out in reckless experimentation. Like a criminal, he tried to get all he could out of life before getting caught. Now he feels no restlessness for that old life. His joy de vive is poured into his love for me. Anyone can see how much of himself goes into love. And lately it has spilled more into friends too; he has begun to open up and believe in their love for him. Pouring out in love motivates him to be responsible. Admitting to my love and the love of friends gradually increases his self-esteem. When he stops hiding, he will have no trouble with responsibilities. He will be able to relax without need to deaden his mind or distract it. He will have more hobbies. His joy de vive will run through all his life. It's happening. He's getting there. I can see it, feel it. He wants to learn makeup art - for himself. Something he enjoys. He won't buy a book because we would have to buy makeup too and it would be expensive. I told him what he's really saying is that he's not worth it. I told him that if he says that again, then the next time we see pretty clothes I want, I will say it's too much and we should spend the money on makeup instead. Now I am okay in myself and devoted to him.
connections - My graduation party went beautifully. It was smaller than expected, so it didn't feel like a party; it felt like I just had a lot of friends over. I designed the opening ritual myself and led a meditation for the first time. It was about heart chakra opening. I spoke about how I want to live in my months of freedom. Most important are connections deeper than words, so that we will miss each other when we are apart instead of just when we see each other again. It began instantly, amazingly. Shedonist... now that we are closer I want to call her by her given name, Amanda... she gave me a magnet that says "live your ideal life". We talked and realized that we haven't connected as much before because we have both been busy going through similiar processes. Now we have reached a plateau and turned around to help our partners. We have the same philosophy for life. It was incredible to hear her talk about her dying mother, her acceptance of death and the beauty and quality that she and her mother now share because of its proximity. I was awed. It reminded me of the beauty I felt in Spain, when I was in so much pain. I feel she'd understand that better than anyone. We both have such a passion for beauty, seeking it everywhere in life. I can't explain. I feel such a kinship with her. We'll be close friends from here on out, friends beyond words.
And Aernk. He told me how connected he feels to me now and I confessed that I did not yet feel the same way, since whenever I asked him about himself he gave only vague abstractions. I asked him to give me more. He started to talk about his life, telling stories that felt rather rehearsed to me. "Deeper", I kept telling him, "go deeper". He'd say "No, this is important" and I'd wait patiently for awhile, then ask again, and he'd smile and move on to something deeper. Finally he reached it, the thing that struck depth in his voice. He talked about how he feels about the woods. There the connection between us was fastened. We both share the same spirituality toward the woods. I was surprised to find that the deepest he went was the place I could connect to him. We both see the same magik and mystery, and feel the same homey familiarity. To him the mystery is stronger, to me the familiarity is. I can't wait to spend time in the woods with him. Beneath words.
Ron's friend Tanham came, who he had not seen in years. I walked into the bedroom and found them talking and saw him in the healthiest relationship I've ever seen him in. He does not try to give to her; he does not hide behind his giving. They stand side by side without leaning or asking each other to lean. They know each other deeply and well. I have never seen him like that with any friend before, so I told them what I saw. I told Tanham she's always very welcome to visit, that I see how they are together and want them together as much as possible. They were both glowing, had not known they would feel this close. It was beautiful. I am so happy for Ron.
These were the highlights of the party. I felt my heart so open, so much more able to love. I still feel warmed and enfolded by love for and from friends, as I never have before. I was not open enough. I had no idea what I was missing, sittiing always on a hard floor instead of a cushion, simply because I didn't recognize it.
where to live from - "She lacks the courage of her true personality, which is sensual." Anais Nin, of course. It made me stop to think today. I have always been so full of big philosophical questions. Who am I? What is the world like? I started asking them again, confusing myself until I wrote "I know more when I feel than when I think." I had again confused myself about my own identity and where to live my life from. Then I looked up and saw Sparrow napping on the deep purple sofa. "No", I thought, "I have built something solid here." I have built things that come from my genuine self. I started to list the things I love: deep, rich colors, PDA, rain, birds that hop on both feet, lighted windows at night, moss, soft surfaces, smooth surfaces, hard surfaces, dancing... I should live from the things I value. I have lived before from the desire to feel loved and from the desire to heal, but the East is right that living for desires prevents happiness. If I live for what I value and always learn to value more, than I will live for what I can always have. Soft surfaces. Smooth surfaces. Hard surfaces. It's a question of priority. The things I love should matter most and all else be for their sake. Philosophical questions for the pleasure of it. Healing because it brings more beauty into my life, more ability to love and be loved. To be happy, I think, we need a minimum of bodily needs met and we need each other's love... and we need a good attitude. Live for the simple pleasures and happiness is easy. Enjoy the rest, but keep happiness if it fails.
writing - At last I have found the voice I've been searching for. It is everything that is best in my previous writing, but more so. I've started a novel. It is poetic, sensual, insightful, realistic, philosophical, beautiful. And I have enough of it for my fiction portfolio for the february deadline schools. The novel is called Heaven Runs and is modeled on the story of Helen of Troy. It is a cross between Helen, Anais (who everyone seemed to fall in love with) and my own life and thoughts. It's set in modern times. Helen's husband is much older than her and wants her to have other lovers. (yes, he's modeled after Ron). One of these lovers will be Troy, who she leaves him for. The battle takes place because Troy demands compromises of Helen that Mr. Menelaus disapproves of. Everyone takes sides. There is a question of what happens when you worship Aphrodite, making love supreme. Everyone believes in the Greek gods. Helen's mother, Leda, has a pet swan named Zeus. When nosy women ask who Helen's father is, she tells them that the swan seduced her. She says it with a straight face then goes to the bathroom to fall on the floor, laughing in hysterics.
The writing comes so easily to me, far better than anything I've ever written before. I read it over and am amazed it came from me. And the story allows me to mix my life with my fantasies. It makes me feel so potent. It makes me feel like a real writer.
Israel - It's been decided. Ron's going to see his sister for two weeks. His mother bought him a ticket. I was terrified of being alone so long and we considered spending the money ourselves to bring me with him. I called Amanda and she told me that this independence fits perfectly with what I want for myself now. She's right. I just don't have the trust I did, and have not gotten out of this bed yet. I was afraid I'd be lonely and miserable and do nothing, see no one. But if the little things can make me happy, I'll be alright. And I can stop taking everything as a test, then there's no worry of failure. It's been decided, and I'm alright now. I can live as I want to live. My life is just beginning.