A Philosopher In The Making
"You're all three searching for something. Your mom and you both want to be accepted somewhere, and loved. Your sister...I'm not sure what she's searching for, but she seems to be searching too. Maybe she's found it already." ~ Emily Gyde, mile 8 of 38 of our bike trip to Xenia, Ohio.
She doesn't know it, but she almost made me cry. She went on. On to describe my family and I. How she doesn't really know Daddy or Chelsea, but what she sees of all of us.
"You don't talk much because you feel like no one listens, and when they have listened in the past you felt like they don't hear you anyway. Like you aren't understood. Your mom talks alot, but it's only because she can't stand the silence." ~ Em again. Between mile 8 and and mile 8 and a half.
My family is fucked up.
"I can't go to West Virginia next year, I decided last night."
"Took you long enough."
"I can't go because I can't survive. I would be smothered by thing's I WANT but can't have and stay strong as a Christian. I have to go to Michigan, or somewhere like it, because I need the spiritual encouragement. As much as I don't want to go to Michigan, it's the only place I DO feel accepted. Only place I've ever felt at home. My cousin Matt and I are so alike that it's the only place I DO fit in. Only place I ever have." ~ Me, Emily, me. Between mile 8.5 and mile 9.
Or maybe it's just me that fucked us all over.
"I don't want to go to Michigan next year. I don't want to ever do anything anyone wants me to do. Kind of my defiance type of thing. If I disappoint them enough, maybe they'll leave me alone; and in that case, maybe I'll be able to do what I want to do."
"Is going to WV considered a defiance?"
"Yes, because no one wants me to go there. NO one wants me to. Michigan is not because my mom is supportive of it. I want to hurt her, I want her to leave me alone, I want to...be left alone." Me, Emily, me. Mile 7.
Maybe it's not so much that we're fucked up as it is the place we live?
"I need to leave here next year. I know you don't need to, but I HAVE to. You're close to your family. Mine has done so much shit to me that I can't be close to them. It's impossible. So much has happened in Ohio that I just want to run away and never come back to Ohio. We moved here and Michael died, then my freshman year shit, then Jenny died too. After that my parent's got divorced, and then my mom hit me (only once, don't worry about it). Also, all of my parent's seperate boyfriends, my dad told us he is gay here, and so much more. I can't stay. I just cant." Me, mile 7(ish).
No, maybe it's just HER.
"You talk to your mom, you share things with her. I can't. I just can't after all she's done to me. So much has happened between us that I just can't deal with her anymore. I really can't. That's why I need to leave. She likes my sister, and, obviously, she HAS to love me, but a lot of times I think she doesn't like me. I don't like her, why should she like me? Maybe it's just the whole teenager thing, but maybe it's not. Maybe I just plain will never like my mother. Who knows." Me, mile 8 or 9.
I give up trying to find it. Find the answer to my problem. Or problems. I give up fighting this whole thing. Who knows, maybe the answer is just me.
She doesn't know it, but she almost made me cry. She went on. On to describe my family and I. How she doesn't really know Daddy or Chelsea, but what she sees of all of us.
"You don't talk much because you feel like no one listens, and when they have listened in the past you felt like they don't hear you anyway. Like you aren't understood. Your mom talks alot, but it's only because she can't stand the silence." ~ Em again. Between mile 8 and and mile 8 and a half.
My family is fucked up.
"I can't go to West Virginia next year, I decided last night."
"Took you long enough."
"I can't go because I can't survive. I would be smothered by thing's I WANT but can't have and stay strong as a Christian. I have to go to Michigan, or somewhere like it, because I need the spiritual encouragement. As much as I don't want to go to Michigan, it's the only place I DO feel accepted. Only place I've ever felt at home. My cousin Matt and I are so alike that it's the only place I DO fit in. Only place I ever have." ~ Me, Emily, me. Between mile 8.5 and mile 9.
Or maybe it's just me that fucked us all over.
"I don't want to go to Michigan next year. I don't want to ever do anything anyone wants me to do. Kind of my defiance type of thing. If I disappoint them enough, maybe they'll leave me alone; and in that case, maybe I'll be able to do what I want to do."
"Is going to WV considered a defiance?"
"Yes, because no one wants me to go there. NO one wants me to. Michigan is not because my mom is supportive of it. I want to hurt her, I want her to leave me alone, I want to...be left alone." Me, Emily, me. Mile 7.
Maybe it's not so much that we're fucked up as it is the place we live?
"I need to leave here next year. I know you don't need to, but I HAVE to. You're close to your family. Mine has done so much shit to me that I can't be close to them. It's impossible. So much has happened in Ohio that I just want to run away and never come back to Ohio. We moved here and Michael died, then my freshman year shit, then Jenny died too. After that my parent's got divorced, and then my mom hit me (only once, don't worry about it). Also, all of my parent's seperate boyfriends, my dad told us he is gay here, and so much more. I can't stay. I just cant." Me, mile 7(ish).
No, maybe it's just HER.
"You talk to your mom, you share things with her. I can't. I just can't after all she's done to me. So much has happened between us that I just can't deal with her anymore. I really can't. That's why I need to leave. She likes my sister, and, obviously, she HAS to love me, but a lot of times I think she doesn't like me. I don't like her, why should she like me? Maybe it's just the whole teenager thing, but maybe it's not. Maybe I just plain will never like my mother. Who knows." Me, mile 8 or 9.
I give up trying to find it. Find the answer to my problem. Or problems. I give up fighting this whole thing. Who knows, maybe the answer is just me.