(no subject)
Life sucks...my roommates all went out today without me and i shouldn't be upset because i was out too...the thing is that they went to my favorite restuarant and all got their ears pierced and went to see my suitemates' horses and the mall and ice-skating...and i went to the symphony...of course it isn't their fault because when i left this morning i didn't take my phone because it was dead...i went on a picnic this morning with a few of my friends and we ended up watching a movie afterwards and when i got back to the room they were not here...they left within minutes of me getting back...after i realized they weren't here i went to the symphony with a couple of friends...it was supposed to be a murder mystery play with singing and everything but it was stupid with actors standing in front of the orchestra while they played songs i had never heard and ones that were extremely long and boring...it did make me miss my trumpet and that is a whole separate issue because it reminded me how much i suck at trumpet but how much i love it just the same and that to my mind i will never be good enough for myself at it but i still miss it...i also learned from one of the friends that i went with that she is being appointed to bcm leadership...i don't understand it because she didn't even come on wednesdays last semester...i guess it is because i don't have coffee with paige every week like many of the freshmen...the only reason i don't is that i haven't been asked...i am too shy for my own good i guess...another issue that continually bugs me is the guy thing of course...it always has bugged me and i am sure that it will continue to bug me until i actually am in a relationship...i watch too many chick flicks and see too many couples...my quest for acceptance continually plagues me...i saw eric today and after that i spent my time thinking about him...i don't know whether i just like him because he is incredibly hot and his personality or if i really have true feelings for him...i always have these obssessive tendencies when i meet a guy that catches my eye...for that period of time i think i love the guy then months or years go by and i have no idea why i felt that way or then there is that one that i know why i liked him but i don't know if it was more than that and i still like him so i may never know if it was just attraction or not...i don't have the best track record with guys because i have picked a gay guy, a guy who had no interest in me whatsoever, and that little dot on the map of my indiscretion with you-know-who from senior year...well one thing is that i know he ISN'T an asshole and that he IS hot unlike my previous encounters and better yet he is a christian...I am so afraid that i will scare him off or that he will not feel the same way...the problem with nice guys is that they lead you on and you cannot tell whether he is interested or if that is the way he acts with all women...I am so unsure of how to proceed but i am not patient enough to wait for him to make a move and of course that is if he even likes me which i am of course to impatient to wait to find out....i want to be pursued and not have to put myself out there...I wish i didn't make him nervous or shy...i wish i could find out how he felt without putting myself out there but that isn't possible in anyway i know...if it is please tell me...5-6 months is too long to wait for me...i just wish i knew what to do...i am so unsure of myself and tired of crap called life