(no subject)
I cannot sleep. I stayed up too late to watch a movie... and now my insomnia has kicked in.
I have so much on my mind.
I think I've split. But I think I understand why... I THINK. I have to do something that terrifies me, so *I* can't do it. I fucking HATE being this way though. I want to be myself ALL the time. I'm not myself often enough.
Though I have considered that I don't really know who I am, and I've just happened upon a personality that fits me better than any other has before. My, that is a frightening thought. Would I want to uncover myself under all these layers of alters I keep... finding, for lack of a better word? Or have I found myself? When will I know for sure?
Oddly enough, I feel so excited about the future. I also feel like puking my guts out every now and then. So worth it to actually feel excited about the future though.
I really... really need to get in to see Telia. I don't understand the effects of PTSD and disassociation well enough to navigate the waters I've entered. I don't want to fuck up. There are important details I've noticed... or, at least, I think they are important details. My level of co-conscienceness has really been remarkable lately, but more parts of myself are shutting down at times I really need to be acting normal, especially for right now.
A beer sure would be nice right now >:( Thanks a bunch, Prozac! Boo.
Actually, scratch that, I completely lose my filters when I drink. That's the very last thing I need right now.
I have so much on my mind.
I think I've split. But I think I understand why... I THINK. I have to do something that terrifies me, so *I* can't do it. I fucking HATE being this way though. I want to be myself ALL the time. I'm not myself often enough.
Though I have considered that I don't really know who I am, and I've just happened upon a personality that fits me better than any other has before. My, that is a frightening thought. Would I want to uncover myself under all these layers of alters I keep... finding, for lack of a better word? Or have I found myself? When will I know for sure?
Oddly enough, I feel so excited about the future. I also feel like puking my guts out every now and then. So worth it to actually feel excited about the future though.
I really... really need to get in to see Telia. I don't understand the effects of PTSD and disassociation well enough to navigate the waters I've entered. I don't want to fuck up. There are important details I've noticed... or, at least, I think they are important details. My level of co-conscienceness has really been remarkable lately, but more parts of myself are shutting down at times I really need to be acting normal, especially for right now.
A beer sure would be nice right now >:( Thanks a bunch, Prozac! Boo.
Actually, scratch that, I completely lose my filters when I drink. That's the very last thing I need right now.