(no subject)
Is it strange to feel so disconnected from everyone?
I feel as if the people close to me are only half there. This past week I've felt so alone, and while I have always embraced solitude, this time it feels different. It feels very painful. I feel taken for granted. I feel like all the relationships I've built up since last year are for nothing. All the plans I had lined up, I don't even want to follow through with them. I feel like I'm losing sight of myself. I'm not decisive, I'm feeling anxious, I'm crying everyday. I'm not eating right. And has it all really been triggered by a break-up? I doubt it. I think it's the time & place mostly. College is creeping up. Soon my home, the place where I grew up during high school, will no longer be a home to me. I'll just be a visitor and that idea is one of the many that keep me up at night. I have never been comfortable with change. The school I plan on attending, I don't even want to go there anymore. I don't want to live with my two best friends because frankly, I don't want to impose on their relationship. Everything I was once interested in, no longer lift my spirits or keeps me pre-occupied. I'm always bored. I sit in my room, on my laptop, to pass my time every single day, from my wake-up to the time I sleep.
I used to have such a positive outlook on life. I would never dream of talking about wanting to end my life, but lately all I want to do is just sleep and not wake up. It's so "emo," and downright depressive of me, and I feel like a hypocrite because I always scolded friends to be more optimistic about things.
I feel like I'm having a breakdown and there's no one to comfort me or talk to. There's no shoulder to cry on. There's no one to hug me while I cry like a baby.
And about my break up, I can't hate him. I'm utterly in love, my very first love. Even if I cry, even if I miss the good times & the bad, even if I miss being with him, reaching out to him, I'd like to say that I'm not so weak. He definitely has made me stronger. He has made me less naive about how ugly this world could be while I still saw the beauty of it. Sad to say, I love him and appreciate him even more. I feel like being innocent is no longer my pride & I learned the most valuable lesson of all: Depend on only yourself. This time it's also different. It's taking longer to get over. Usually, I stop crying by day two or three, but it's been a week already, and everytime the thought that it's really over crosses my mind, I start bawling again. It's going to take time, but I hope I'll be okay. And for everyone who never liked him nor cared for our relationship, I totally respect your opinion, but I loved him with everything. I can honestly admit that I was happy for the majority of it.
I feel as if the people close to me are only half there. This past week I've felt so alone, and while I have always embraced solitude, this time it feels different. It feels very painful. I feel taken for granted. I feel like all the relationships I've built up since last year are for nothing. All the plans I had lined up, I don't even want to follow through with them. I feel like I'm losing sight of myself. I'm not decisive, I'm feeling anxious, I'm crying everyday. I'm not eating right. And has it all really been triggered by a break-up? I doubt it. I think it's the time & place mostly. College is creeping up. Soon my home, the place where I grew up during high school, will no longer be a home to me. I'll just be a visitor and that idea is one of the many that keep me up at night. I have never been comfortable with change. The school I plan on attending, I don't even want to go there anymore. I don't want to live with my two best friends because frankly, I don't want to impose on their relationship. Everything I was once interested in, no longer lift my spirits or keeps me pre-occupied. I'm always bored. I sit in my room, on my laptop, to pass my time every single day, from my wake-up to the time I sleep.
I used to have such a positive outlook on life. I would never dream of talking about wanting to end my life, but lately all I want to do is just sleep and not wake up. It's so "emo," and downright depressive of me, and I feel like a hypocrite because I always scolded friends to be more optimistic about things.
I feel like I'm having a breakdown and there's no one to comfort me or talk to. There's no shoulder to cry on. There's no one to hug me while I cry like a baby.
And about my break up, I can't hate him. I'm utterly in love, my very first love. Even if I cry, even if I miss the good times & the bad, even if I miss being with him, reaching out to him, I'd like to say that I'm not so weak. He definitely has made me stronger. He has made me less naive about how ugly this world could be while I still saw the beauty of it. Sad to say, I love him and appreciate him even more. I feel like being innocent is no longer my pride & I learned the most valuable lesson of all: Depend on only yourself. This time it's also different. It's taking longer to get over. Usually, I stop crying by day two or three, but it's been a week already, and everytime the thought that it's really over crosses my mind, I start bawling again. It's going to take time, but I hope I'll be okay. And for everyone who never liked him nor cared for our relationship, I totally respect your opinion, but I loved him with everything. I can honestly admit that I was happy for the majority of it.