Rainbow What?
Rainbow What?
Warnings: The original fic is NSFW, NSFB. It contains extreme OOCness, and graphic description of rape, which is depicted as a happy good thing. The mission is also NSFW and NSFB after the agents step through the portal into the fic due to the nature of the original.
Disclaimer: The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia, the original Assassins. Sherlock Holmes was created by the esteemed Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. This fic High Sex belongs to Zillah. The text below is a review in narrative form and also contains elements of parody/satire.
Beta'd by Goldenrod111. Thank you very much for the excellent help.
Warnings: The original fic is NSFW, NSFB. It contains extreme OOCness, and graphic description of rape, which is depicted as a happy good thing. The mission is also NSFW and NSFB after the agents step through the portal into the fic due to the nature of the original.
Rainbow What!?
Unger held the chalk awkwardly. His face was twisted into a look of serious concentration, as he laboriously scrawled U-N-G-E-R under a model of the letters. His effort was almost legible.
“Very good! What does that spell, again?” Kelok asked from across the room.
“That’s me! My name. Unger.” Unger was immensely proud of himself, and started scrawling his name over and over on the wall.
Kelok smiled and threw a chew toy across the room to Khazad Dym. The mini-Balrog caught it and began gnawing.
After FicPsych had read the mission report explaining why Slasher!Watson had been able to injure them, and Dr. Freedenberg had added his recommendation to Medical’s that he not be in the field pending further treatment, even the Flowers had had to listen. Kelok had finally been cleared by Dr. Freedenberg after their last session, and he had been anxiously awaiting their next mission. Of course, that meant that their RC had been eerily peaceful for several hours now.
Since their last mission, when Kelok had had to read the charges while seriously injured, Unger had been a most eager student in learning to read. He was-mostly-able to identify the uppercase letters of the alphabet now.
“Can you teach me how to write your name, Kelok?” Unger asked after he had scribbled his name a few dozen times.
“Of course.” Kelok took the chalk and began writing the letters of his name: D-A-V-I-D K-E-L-
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Of course, the Ironic Overpower had been waiting for him to let his guard down and be in the middle of something before sending them a mission. Kelok picked up the printout and began reading the report. Sherlock Holmes.
Watson finds Holmes wasted in the bathtub and goes to put him in bed, but Holmes has other ideas.
This is my first time writing Holmes or Watson so I'm not too pleased with it. Not to mention I was forced to write this when I didn't want to, then god told it wasn't the cockamamie gooey love story with rainbow cum that was desired.
So I figured I'd post it here. I know that Homles used morphine, opium, and many other drugs, but I don't know how they work on people so I used the only drug I've had personally, morphine.
Also I'm aware of the lack of lubrication here but I really don't care, this is fanfiction we're talking about.
Kelok felt his rate of breathing pick up. He had talked about this kind of mission with the doctor. He could do this. Focus on the need to save the canons, even if it meant saving them from themselves.
He told himself sternly: Stop empathizing with Holmes so much. Accept that Holmes will be out of character more often than not. Stay on target.
“You’ve got that ‘I must remain focused’ look on your face, half-orc. Is it Holmes again?”
Kelok automatically tapped Unger on the shoulder when he heard “half-orc”. “I’m a Wraith, not a half-orc,” he said absentmindedly. Then he nodded, and pointed to the papers in his hand. “This is the summary of the story. There is going to be at least one mini-Hound of the Baskervilles named Homles. It mentions apparent hallucinations when “god” spoke to the author, thinking that Holmes used opium, and-we’ve got to call Medical-no lube.”
“It’s one of those? I thought they weren’t going to send you to one of those for a while?”
“I thought so, too, but there’s a note on the bottom that says, ‘You are the only agents working Sherlock Holmes right now, so you have to go regardless.’”
Unger put on his decorative collar, gathered his belt pouches, rolled up his few supplies in his blanket bundle, which he tied in a sash across his chest, slung his axe and shield onto his back and started putting on his warrior paint.
“Don’t forget your flash patch armband,” Kelok said. He shook his head, “You know, if you would wear the uniform, this whole process would be simpler, right? See, all I have to do is put on my coat. And that kilt and soft moccasin outfit leaves you all kinds of vulnerable.”
“I’m not the one that was bitten by the attack turtle. Your heavy clothes didn’t help much did they? Pants and shirts are too restrictive in battle.” Unger held up his forearm to display the thin scar left by Slasher!Watson’s knife. “And besides, battle scars are a sign of honor in my tribe!”
Kelok shook his head, there was no use arguing this one with the half-elf. He put on his coat, checked his backpack, and added extra canon materials. This looked to be a nasty case of possession.
He sent Medical a quick message on the console, warning them that they would be bringing in two canons. Kelok turned to Unger, who was fully dressed in his barbarian garb now.
"It doesn't look like there are any non-canons in this one, so no disguises. You ready?"
Unger made a show of packing the thermos of almost freezing water. "I'm ready."
"I can handle this. You won't be needing that."
Unger nodded, "Just in case then."
Kelok shrugged. It was a wise decision to bring it just in case. This was going to be bad if he failed to separate himself emotionally from Holmes. He opened the portal to the bath at 221B Baker Street.
*O*O*O*O*
They stepped through and saw Holmes lounging in the water. His skin was a bit bluish and his finger tips were shriveled.
Kelok checked the words and realized that Holmes had been in the bath for three hours. He was reasonably sure that this was bad for a human's health, but what happened next was undoubtedly worse. Holmes used a syringe to extract clear liquid from a vial with no markings on it. He appeared to be a bit confused as to why he was doing this, but shrugged, and injected it into his arm and immediately fell into a stupor.
About this time, Watson began beating on the door. Holmes dropped the syringe, and Watson opened the door, which had not been locked, and walked into the room.
Watson's mouth was described as being "pulled into a straight line". Unger giggled at the little puppet strings that attached themselves to the corners of Watson's mouth and tugged this way and that until they had achieved something relatively straight. Kelok almost smiled.
Holmes seemed to be nearly unconscious: he slurred his words, seemed unable to stand on his own, and barely able to keep his head up enough to avoid drowning. Watson had to bodily lift him out of the tub and practically carry him to his room, which for some inexplicable reason was upstairs in this fic. The two agents followed, dreading what they were about to witness.
"Can we just wait outside, until it's time to charge them?" Unger asked hopefully.
"We must do our Duty, and that means collecting all the charges. Unfortunately, most of them happen rather quickly." Kelok replied. He started working on his relaxation techniques. "We will stop the Sue phantom. We will stop the Sue phantom," he chanted under his breath. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door.
Watson had leaned over the bed to pull the covers back and Holmes was kissing his neck. Kelok turned back to the hall. "We will stop the Sue phantom," he told himself, before taking a deep breath and joining Unger in the room.
Unger was kneeling in the corner when Kelok stepped back in. "You missed it half-orc. The sheet just shaped itself into a fist and grabbed Watson." He looked back into the corner and cooed at something.
"What are you talking to there?" Kelok asked as he smacked Unger on the shoulder for the half-orc comment.
Unger turned and proudly held up an over-sized puppy. It glowed faintly green, had a line of drool hanging from its jowls, and loose, baggy skin hanging in folds and wrinkles all over it. Kelok hesitantly touched the creature and found that it was extremely soft. He let out an undignified yelp when the mini-Hound of the Baskervilles gave him a wet, slobbery lick.
"His name is Homles. Can I keep him?" Unger asked. The puppy was nearly as big as his torso.
"I suppose we can keep him-if he gets along with Khazad Dym. It was there first, after all."
"I'm sure he will. Just look at him!" The little monster wrinkled his forehead and looked up at Kelok with expressive red eyes. Kelok was about to say something else, when they heard a clatter followed by strange scuttling, giggling sounds. He turned and saw Watson struggling extremely ineffectively against Holmes' groping hands. More scuttling and giggling attracted Kelok and Unger's attention to the corner where they saw several shirt buttons that had apparently grown arms, legs, and faces as they "fled in terror, clattering to the floor as they attempted to escape from Holmes’ tight pull." Oh boy, now they had to catch the little abominations.
Kelok wished that Unger could collect the charges and let him miss the action in search of wayward anthropomorphic buttons, but his writing wasn't anywhere near proficient enough. He sighed, "You'll have to capture those things. Do you have anything to put them in?"
"Maybe. I'll try my pouch first."
Kelok turned back to gather the charges, but instead of writing anything down, he ended up staring in confusion, tilting his head from side to side trying to figure out what exactly was going on. The best he could figure, Watson had been pulled backwards onto the bed and over Holmes, who had wrapped one arm under Watson's “tunic”-charge there for randomly changing Watson's clothes-while he pressed his other hand into Watson's shoulder blades, which was somehow keeping Watson in place instead of pushing him away. The only thing Kelok could figure that might make sense was that Holmes' hand had been magnetized and was pulling on the iron in Watson's blood-which still didn't make a lot of sense.
Face blistering red, Watson attempted to escape
“Ouch!” The Word World had taken the description literally and Watson's face was burned and blistered. “Medical can fix that," Kelok said to himself. He started writing out the charge list, while keeping a watch for more charges as the atrocity unfolded in front of him.
Unger was scrambling after the buttons; he finally caught one and dropped it into the belt pouch where he normally kept his fire kit. It was otherwise empty-for some reason the kit had been confiscated. A sound behind him caught his attention.
"No! Watson does not "mewl". Kelok, did you make that a charge? Tell me you made that a charge!"
"Yes, I made it a charge. Along with many more."
"Okay, I still have several more buttons to catch. Slippery little devils."
Kelok turned back in time to see Watson's pants literally disappear. "What the..." He added another charge.
According to the words, Watson's face was "stuffed with blood". Kelok studiously avoided looking at Watson's face. He did not want to see how that manifested.
And they were back to making it impossible to tell who was where. It wasn't so much the pronoun problem as it was just that they were randomly teleporting around the bed: one was on top, then the other, and back and forth with no transition.
“Hey, Kelok! Come help me a minute. I have the last one cornered, but it's so far under this drawer thing that I can't reach it."
"I have to wait this out," Kelok said with dismay.
"You know what's going to happen, I know what's going to happen, come catch this button, so we can exorcise them. You don't have to watch that part of it. Come on, this way," Unger put an arm around Kelok and turned him away from the bed. They heard a teeny giggle and scuttling under a chest of drawers.
Kelok looked under, and could pick up a faint trace of heat with his thermal vision. "I see it." He reached under and almost had it in his hand, when he heard Watson scream. He jumped, banging his arm on the bottom of the chest, and his head on a drawer handle.
Unger put his hand on his back. "Just catch the button. I can do this."
"I'm not going to phase out on you, Unger. I've got this."
"Uh huh, and have you got the button, or was that it that I just saw run across the room into the hallway?"
"Balrog Wings! Why didn't you stop it?"
"I missed," Unger said unconvincingly.
"Okay, okay, I'll catch it." Kelok focused on the tiny, quickly fading, heat traces left by the buttons feet. He followed it down the hall, and into the bath. "Ah, there you are!" The button had taken refuge near the unmarked glass vial that Holmes had dropped earlier. It apparently thought it was hidden, and didn't move when Kelok reached for it. He scooped up button and vial and shoved both into a pocket of his backpack and zippered it shut.
The sounds from down the hall were tapering off. He knew that according to the Words the two canons were going to be staying put for a while. Finally, a chance to exorcise them and get them to Medical.
Kelok took his bell, books, and candle out as he walked back to the room. Unger had his bell, DVD of the 2009 movie, and another unlit candle. Kelok lit the candles, and they placed them on furniture in corners of the room. Unger had drawn a line of chalk in a semi-circle around the bed.
Watson was curled up in the fetal position as far from Holmes as he could get and still be on the bed. Holmes was grinning evilly and considering further torment of the other man.
“Flaming Denethor! Why does this fic force Watson to stay in the bed with Holmes after what just happened?” Kelok felt the memories of his homefic pulling at the edge of his mind.
Unger stepped into Kelok’s line of sight. "Why does it keep saying that Watson is younger than Holmes? You said that Watson is a couple of years older than Holmes, didn't you?" he asked thereby completely changing the subject.
"Yes.” Kelok shook away the memories. “This is going to stop now!" He leaped toward the bed and began beating Holmes around the head and shoulders with the book, ringing the bell like a madman. He shouted, "I cast thee out phantom of bad slash and no lube! The power of Doyle compels thee!"
"I banish thee creator of weird button creatures, mini-Hounds, and magnetic hands!" Unger added.
"Avaunt thee passion and sexual desire in an asexual character!" Kelok gave Holmes a particularly hard knock to the forehead when he said this, knocking the man onto his back. Wispy tendrils of Author phantom began streaming out of his nose.
"Out foul spirit of woobification and making Watson look like a wimp!" Unger was tapping Watson, figuring he was injured enough as it was, but the phantom still seemed to be getting the message and was beginning to leave him as well.
“Begone spirit of ‘rape is good’!” Kelok hit Holmes again, knocking the man’s head against the head board of the bed. Unger gave him a warning glare.
“Go away random teleportation and impossible medicine!”
“Return whence you came bad grammar and bad research!” Kelok gave Holmes one more light tap with the book, looking pointedly at Unger.
The canons jerked one more time, and the Sue phantom coalesced in front of the agents.
“This is just fanfiction we’re talking about! It doesn’t have to be a cockamamie gooey love story about rainbow cum!”
Kelok threw his book through the phantom’s face. The spirit dissipated with a wail.
Kelok smiled with some satisfaction, showing his pointed predator’s teeth...until the sound of retching brought his attention back to Holmes on the bed. The detective was shaking and vomiting onto the floor. He collapsed, head hanging over the side of the mattress. Kelok caught him before he could slide off into the mess and rolled him back onto his back. His pupils were shrunk to pinpoints, and Kelok noted with alarm that his lips were turning blue.
Still he tried to get up, “Watson! What have I done? No...” he fell back weakly.
Kelok glanced over to Unger, who was checking on Watson.
“I think you better open that portal quick, half-orc,” Unger said anxiously.
Kelok set the RA and opened the portal. Unger started to pull Watson by the underarms.
“Let me take Watson, you can drag Holmes. He’s the less injured here.” Unger didn’t comment, just switched places. Unger’s short stature prevented him from doing more than dragging canons so much taller than him. Kelok carefully picked up Watson, who seemed to be unconscious, thankfully, and carried him through the portal to Medical.
Dr. Fitzgerald was waiting for them. “What have you brought me?”
“No lube, burns to the face, weakness, and possibly literal cobwebs in his brain.”
Unger came through a moment later dragging Holmes, who may or may not have been breathing.
Kelok took the vial out of his pocket. He didn’t notice the button escaping when he unzipped the backpack pocket. “He,” Kelok said pointing at Holmes, “took whatever is in this vial. The fic claimed morphine, but it didn’t act like morphine at all until we banished the phantom, and his right hand seems to have been turned into a magnet.”
“Phantom?” Dr. Fitzgerald paused for a moment, before saying, “Oh yes, you’re a Wraith; I haven’t heard phantom used for a long time. Go wait over there, we’ll have them straightened out in half an hour.
Kelok sat down on a chair and let his head rest on his hands. Unger sat down beside him. “You okay there, Kelok?”
Kelok straightened up. “I am. I-”
Giggle. Scuttle.
“That sounded like-” Unger began.
“Yes.” Kelok interrupted.
Giggle. Giggle. Scuttle.
Unger held up his empty pouch to show Kelok. “They’re all gone.”
Kelok checked inside the pocket of his backpack. "Mine too," he said. "How many were there all together?"
"Six."
Giggle. Giggle. Scuttle.
"We've got to catch them," Kelok said. He focused on his thermal vision and checked the inside of Unger's pouch. Cold. He scanned the generic surface all around them, and finally picked up a faint trail. "They are somewhere, back toward the treatment area."
The two agents silently stalked back toward the treatment area, hoping to avoid having to explain this to the doctor.
Giggle. Giggle. Scuttle.
"There they are!" Unger whispered excitedly, pointing at the discarded sheet Watson had been wrapped in. The buttons appeared to be happily munching on the material.
"On three?" Kelok asked.
Unger nodded and held up three fingers, counting down slowly.
"Now!" he shouted and sprang at the wayward creatures.
Buttons scattered. Unger slipped in a patch of blood, and slid into a supply shelf with an almighty crash accompanied by medical supplies flying around the room.
Dr. Fitzgerald appeared, looking livid. "What is the meaning of this, Agent Unger?"
"The buttons escaped, and we were trying to catch them, and..."
"Out!" The doctor pointed to the door. It seemed that the doctor still held a grudge over the fires from when Kelok had been injured. "You can wait in the hall. And you!" The doctor pointed at Kelok. "You can clean up this mess."
"Yes sir," Kelok said contritely. "What about our canon characters?"
"There were actual cobwebs in Watson's brain. It will take at least another thirty minutes to extract them all safely. Holmes died and had to be resurrected. He also needs at least another thirty minutes before being returned to his canon."
Kelok quickly picked all the supplies back up. The shelf was labeled, so he was able to be reasonably sure that he placed them correctly.
Giggle. Giggle. Scuttle.
He sighed. The buttons were still loose. He saw Unger waving at him frantically from the hallway, so he walked over to see what the half-elf needed.
“They were eating the cloth!”
“Yes.”
“So here is some cloth.” Unger had torn a bit of his kilt free. “Put it on the floor, and when they come out to eat it, you can capture them!”
“What are we going to put them in this time? You were right, they’re slippery little devils.”
“Turn the trashcan over them?”
“I guess it is worth a try. Give me the cloth.”
Kelok emptied a trash can, placed the scrap of cloth on the floor, and walked back to the waiting area.
Giggle.
He couldn’t see them yet.
Giggle. Scuttle.
There! He counted them as they cautiously approached the cloth. Six. All of them, finally. Slowly, carefully, he stalked his prey, feeling every ounce of the ridiculousness of the situation. When he was close enough, he slammed the trashcan over them. A terrified squealing was followed by scuttling, and banging on the walls of the trashcan
Kelok thumped the can with his finger, and everything went silent inside. “Now that I have your attention,” he said to the button creatures. “I want you to remain still when I move this can.” Feeling even sillier, and expecting the buttons to scatter the second they had the chance, he moved the can.
They remained still, looking up at him, with their tiny eyes wide and their hands over their ears.
“Listen, you like cloth, right?”
They rocked their whole bodies back and forth in an approximation of a nod.
“So, you go in this bag, and I’ll give you this cloth you were eating, and make sure you have a nice place to live with plenty to eat, okay?”
They ran into the pocket of his backpack. He added the cloth and zipped it.
A Nurse stepped into the room. She gave him a strange look, but said, “Get your partner. The canons are ready to go back. The sooner you get them neuralyzed the better. We’ve had to restrain Dr. Watson.”
Kelok motioned for Unger to come back in. When they entered the treatment area they saw Holmes huddled in a bed, the very image of abject misery. He was muttering, “Not Watson. Never Watson. What have I done?”
Watson on the other hand managed to look enraged and betrayed at the same time-like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to kill Holmes or curl up and pretend nothing had happened.
Both men were fully clothed. The Nurse saw his confusion over that point, and said, “We have Star Trek replicators here. Clothes are no problem. Good luck with the pair of them.” She went back about her business.
“Right, well, you get Holmes and I’ll take Watson,” Kelok said. Unger nodded and pulled the detective to his feet. The man seemed to be in a state of near shock, and cooperated without question.
Until Kelok had spoken, Watson had been glaring at Holmes. Now he was staring at Kelok with curiosity, though the Wraith could still see the anger there.
“Doctor, I know you still have a need to know where we are taking Mr. Holmes, in spite of what has happened. If you would just follow me, then this will all make a lot more sense.” Kelok opened the portal, and Unger and Holmes stepped through. Watson’s eyes widened as he took in the sitting room of 221B Baker Street visible through the portal.
Kelok put on his sunglasses and set the neuralyzer, just in case Watson became too unpredictable, and then cautiously removed the restraints.
“This is a nightmare. That’s all,” Watson muttered as he sat up and rubbed his wrists.
“And if you’ll just step this way, you can wake up,” Kelok told him.
Watson thought about it for a moment, then muttered, “It’s just a nightmare,” and walked through. Kelok followed, and, after checking that Unger had his glasses on, said “Gentlemen!” Both canons glanced up. Flash!
Both men were staring dazedly at him. “Now, Holmes, you do not take opium, you are not older than Watson, you have no interest in kissing or doing any other sexual activity with Watson, and you are ready to go eat a decent meal, smoke your pipe, and scrape on your violin while attempting to solve some problem.” He turned to Watson, “You were not attacked by Holmes tonight. You know he would never commit sodomy against you. You are a strong, capable, and intelligent man, who can easily beat off the advances of one who is inebriated. You are going to eat supper, smoke, and scribble in your journals tonight.”
Holmes had already went in search of his pipe, and Watson now joined him. The two agents looked at one another.
“Home?” Kelok asked.
“Wait, I know we are forgetting something. Don’t we have to clean that mess up?”
“No, Holmes’ room is down here; that room should disappear once we leave and canon snaps back fully.”
“But,” Unger’s eyes opened wide. “We forgot Homles!”
The two agents ran up the stairs and found the glowing green puppy, looking at them with some measure of scorn.
Unger knelt and tried to placate the mini while Kelok opened the portal back to their RC.
Warnings: The original fic is NSFW, NSFB. It contains extreme OOCness, and graphic description of rape, which is depicted as a happy good thing. The mission is also NSFW and NSFB after the agents step through the portal into the fic due to the nature of the original.
Disclaimer: The PPC was created by Jay and Acacia, the original Assassins. Sherlock Holmes was created by the esteemed Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. This fic High Sex belongs to Zillah. The text below is a review in narrative form and also contains elements of parody/satire.
Beta'd by Goldenrod111. Thank you very much for the excellent help.
Warnings: The original fic is NSFW, NSFB. It contains extreme OOCness, and graphic description of rape, which is depicted as a happy good thing. The mission is also NSFW and NSFB after the agents step through the portal into the fic due to the nature of the original.
Rainbow What!?
Unger held the chalk awkwardly. His face was twisted into a look of serious concentration, as he laboriously scrawled U-N-G-E-R under a model of the letters. His effort was almost legible.
“Very good! What does that spell, again?” Kelok asked from across the room.
“That’s me! My name. Unger.” Unger was immensely proud of himself, and started scrawling his name over and over on the wall.
Kelok smiled and threw a chew toy across the room to Khazad Dym. The mini-Balrog caught it and began gnawing.
After FicPsych had read the mission report explaining why Slasher!Watson had been able to injure them, and Dr. Freedenberg had added his recommendation to Medical’s that he not be in the field pending further treatment, even the Flowers had had to listen. Kelok had finally been cleared by Dr. Freedenberg after their last session, and he had been anxiously awaiting their next mission. Of course, that meant that their RC had been eerily peaceful for several hours now.
Since their last mission, when Kelok had had to read the charges while seriously injured, Unger had been a most eager student in learning to read. He was-mostly-able to identify the uppercase letters of the alphabet now.
“Can you teach me how to write your name, Kelok?” Unger asked after he had scribbled his name a few dozen times.
“Of course.” Kelok took the chalk and began writing the letters of his name: D-A-V-I-D K-E-L-
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Of course, the Ironic Overpower had been waiting for him to let his guard down and be in the middle of something before sending them a mission. Kelok picked up the printout and began reading the report. Sherlock Holmes.
Watson finds Holmes wasted in the bathtub and goes to put him in bed, but Holmes has other ideas.
This is my first time writing Holmes or Watson so I'm not too pleased with it. Not to mention I was forced to write this when I didn't want to, then god told it wasn't the cockamamie gooey love story with rainbow cum that was desired.
So I figured I'd post it here. I know that Homles used morphine, opium, and many other drugs, but I don't know how they work on people so I used the only drug I've had personally, morphine.
Also I'm aware of the lack of lubrication here but I really don't care, this is fanfiction we're talking about.
Kelok felt his rate of breathing pick up. He had talked about this kind of mission with the doctor. He could do this. Focus on the need to save the canons, even if it meant saving them from themselves.
He told himself sternly: Stop empathizing with Holmes so much. Accept that Holmes will be out of character more often than not. Stay on target.
“You’ve got that ‘I must remain focused’ look on your face, half-orc. Is it Holmes again?”
Kelok automatically tapped Unger on the shoulder when he heard “half-orc”. “I’m a Wraith, not a half-orc,” he said absentmindedly. Then he nodded, and pointed to the papers in his hand. “This is the summary of the story. There is going to be at least one mini-Hound of the Baskervilles named Homles. It mentions apparent hallucinations when “god” spoke to the author, thinking that Holmes used opium, and-we’ve got to call Medical-no lube.”
“It’s one of those? I thought they weren’t going to send you to one of those for a while?”
“I thought so, too, but there’s a note on the bottom that says, ‘You are the only agents working Sherlock Holmes right now, so you have to go regardless.’”
Unger put on his decorative collar, gathered his belt pouches, rolled up his few supplies in his blanket bundle, which he tied in a sash across his chest, slung his axe and shield onto his back and started putting on his warrior paint.
“Don’t forget your flash patch armband,” Kelok said. He shook his head, “You know, if you would wear the uniform, this whole process would be simpler, right? See, all I have to do is put on my coat. And that kilt and soft moccasin outfit leaves you all kinds of vulnerable.”
“I’m not the one that was bitten by the attack turtle. Your heavy clothes didn’t help much did they? Pants and shirts are too restrictive in battle.” Unger held up his forearm to display the thin scar left by Slasher!Watson’s knife. “And besides, battle scars are a sign of honor in my tribe!”
Kelok shook his head, there was no use arguing this one with the half-elf. He put on his coat, checked his backpack, and added extra canon materials. This looked to be a nasty case of possession.
He sent Medical a quick message on the console, warning them that they would be bringing in two canons. Kelok turned to Unger, who was fully dressed in his barbarian garb now.
"It doesn't look like there are any non-canons in this one, so no disguises. You ready?"
Unger made a show of packing the thermos of almost freezing water. "I'm ready."
"I can handle this. You won't be needing that."
Unger nodded, "Just in case then."
Kelok shrugged. It was a wise decision to bring it just in case. This was going to be bad if he failed to separate himself emotionally from Holmes. He opened the portal to the bath at 221B Baker Street.
*O*O*O*O*
They stepped through and saw Holmes lounging in the water. His skin was a bit bluish and his finger tips were shriveled.
Kelok checked the words and realized that Holmes had been in the bath for three hours. He was reasonably sure that this was bad for a human's health, but what happened next was undoubtedly worse. Holmes used a syringe to extract clear liquid from a vial with no markings on it. He appeared to be a bit confused as to why he was doing this, but shrugged, and injected it into his arm and immediately fell into a stupor.
About this time, Watson began beating on the door. Holmes dropped the syringe, and Watson opened the door, which had not been locked, and walked into the room.
Watson's mouth was described as being "pulled into a straight line". Unger giggled at the little puppet strings that attached themselves to the corners of Watson's mouth and tugged this way and that until they had achieved something relatively straight. Kelok almost smiled.
Holmes seemed to be nearly unconscious: he slurred his words, seemed unable to stand on his own, and barely able to keep his head up enough to avoid drowning. Watson had to bodily lift him out of the tub and practically carry him to his room, which for some inexplicable reason was upstairs in this fic. The two agents followed, dreading what they were about to witness.
"Can we just wait outside, until it's time to charge them?" Unger asked hopefully.
"We must do our Duty, and that means collecting all the charges. Unfortunately, most of them happen rather quickly." Kelok replied. He started working on his relaxation techniques. "We will stop the Sue phantom. We will stop the Sue phantom," he chanted under his breath. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the door.
Watson had leaned over the bed to pull the covers back and Holmes was kissing his neck. Kelok turned back to the hall. "We will stop the Sue phantom," he told himself, before taking a deep breath and joining Unger in the room.
Unger was kneeling in the corner when Kelok stepped back in. "You missed it half-orc. The sheet just shaped itself into a fist and grabbed Watson." He looked back into the corner and cooed at something.
"What are you talking to there?" Kelok asked as he smacked Unger on the shoulder for the half-orc comment.
Unger turned and proudly held up an over-sized puppy. It glowed faintly green, had a line of drool hanging from its jowls, and loose, baggy skin hanging in folds and wrinkles all over it. Kelok hesitantly touched the creature and found that it was extremely soft. He let out an undignified yelp when the mini-Hound of the Baskervilles gave him a wet, slobbery lick.
"His name is Homles. Can I keep him?" Unger asked. The puppy was nearly as big as his torso.
"I suppose we can keep him-if he gets along with Khazad Dym. It was there first, after all."
"I'm sure he will. Just look at him!" The little monster wrinkled his forehead and looked up at Kelok with expressive red eyes. Kelok was about to say something else, when they heard a clatter followed by strange scuttling, giggling sounds. He turned and saw Watson struggling extremely ineffectively against Holmes' groping hands. More scuttling and giggling attracted Kelok and Unger's attention to the corner where they saw several shirt buttons that had apparently grown arms, legs, and faces as they "fled in terror, clattering to the floor as they attempted to escape from Holmes’ tight pull." Oh boy, now they had to catch the little abominations.
Kelok wished that Unger could collect the charges and let him miss the action in search of wayward anthropomorphic buttons, but his writing wasn't anywhere near proficient enough. He sighed, "You'll have to capture those things. Do you have anything to put them in?"
"Maybe. I'll try my pouch first."
Kelok turned back to gather the charges, but instead of writing anything down, he ended up staring in confusion, tilting his head from side to side trying to figure out what exactly was going on. The best he could figure, Watson had been pulled backwards onto the bed and over Holmes, who had wrapped one arm under Watson's “tunic”-charge there for randomly changing Watson's clothes-while he pressed his other hand into Watson's shoulder blades, which was somehow keeping Watson in place instead of pushing him away. The only thing Kelok could figure that might make sense was that Holmes' hand had been magnetized and was pulling on the iron in Watson's blood-which still didn't make a lot of sense.
Face blistering red, Watson attempted to escape
“Ouch!” The Word World had taken the description literally and Watson's face was burned and blistered. “Medical can fix that," Kelok said to himself. He started writing out the charge list, while keeping a watch for more charges as the atrocity unfolded in front of him.
Unger was scrambling after the buttons; he finally caught one and dropped it into the belt pouch where he normally kept his fire kit. It was otherwise empty-for some reason the kit had been confiscated. A sound behind him caught his attention.
"No! Watson does not "mewl". Kelok, did you make that a charge? Tell me you made that a charge!"
"Yes, I made it a charge. Along with many more."
"Okay, I still have several more buttons to catch. Slippery little devils."
Kelok turned back in time to see Watson's pants literally disappear. "What the..." He added another charge.
According to the words, Watson's face was "stuffed with blood". Kelok studiously avoided looking at Watson's face. He did not want to see how that manifested.
And they were back to making it impossible to tell who was where. It wasn't so much the pronoun problem as it was just that they were randomly teleporting around the bed: one was on top, then the other, and back and forth with no transition.
“Hey, Kelok! Come help me a minute. I have the last one cornered, but it's so far under this drawer thing that I can't reach it."
"I have to wait this out," Kelok said with dismay.
"You know what's going to happen, I know what's going to happen, come catch this button, so we can exorcise them. You don't have to watch that part of it. Come on, this way," Unger put an arm around Kelok and turned him away from the bed. They heard a teeny giggle and scuttling under a chest of drawers.
Kelok looked under, and could pick up a faint trace of heat with his thermal vision. "I see it." He reached under and almost had it in his hand, when he heard Watson scream. He jumped, banging his arm on the bottom of the chest, and his head on a drawer handle.
Unger put his hand on his back. "Just catch the button. I can do this."
"I'm not going to phase out on you, Unger. I've got this."
"Uh huh, and have you got the button, or was that it that I just saw run across the room into the hallway?"
"Balrog Wings! Why didn't you stop it?"
"I missed," Unger said unconvincingly.
"Okay, okay, I'll catch it." Kelok focused on the tiny, quickly fading, heat traces left by the buttons feet. He followed it down the hall, and into the bath. "Ah, there you are!" The button had taken refuge near the unmarked glass vial that Holmes had dropped earlier. It apparently thought it was hidden, and didn't move when Kelok reached for it. He scooped up button and vial and shoved both into a pocket of his backpack and zippered it shut.
The sounds from down the hall were tapering off. He knew that according to the Words the two canons were going to be staying put for a while. Finally, a chance to exorcise them and get them to Medical.
Kelok took his bell, books, and candle out as he walked back to the room. Unger had his bell, DVD of the 2009 movie, and another unlit candle. Kelok lit the candles, and they placed them on furniture in corners of the room. Unger had drawn a line of chalk in a semi-circle around the bed.
Watson was curled up in the fetal position as far from Holmes as he could get and still be on the bed. Holmes was grinning evilly and considering further torment of the other man.
“Flaming Denethor! Why does this fic force Watson to stay in the bed with Holmes after what just happened?” Kelok felt the memories of his homefic pulling at the edge of his mind.
Unger stepped into Kelok’s line of sight. "Why does it keep saying that Watson is younger than Holmes? You said that Watson is a couple of years older than Holmes, didn't you?" he asked thereby completely changing the subject.
"Yes.” Kelok shook away the memories. “This is going to stop now!" He leaped toward the bed and began beating Holmes around the head and shoulders with the book, ringing the bell like a madman. He shouted, "I cast thee out phantom of bad slash and no lube! The power of Doyle compels thee!"
"I banish thee creator of weird button creatures, mini-Hounds, and magnetic hands!" Unger added.
"Avaunt thee passion and sexual desire in an asexual character!" Kelok gave Holmes a particularly hard knock to the forehead when he said this, knocking the man onto his back. Wispy tendrils of Author phantom began streaming out of his nose.
"Out foul spirit of woobification and making Watson look like a wimp!" Unger was tapping Watson, figuring he was injured enough as it was, but the phantom still seemed to be getting the message and was beginning to leave him as well.
“Begone spirit of ‘rape is good’!” Kelok hit Holmes again, knocking the man’s head against the head board of the bed. Unger gave him a warning glare.
“Go away random teleportation and impossible medicine!”
“Return whence you came bad grammar and bad research!” Kelok gave Holmes one more light tap with the book, looking pointedly at Unger.
The canons jerked one more time, and the Sue phantom coalesced in front of the agents.
“This is just fanfiction we’re talking about! It doesn’t have to be a cockamamie gooey love story about rainbow cum!”
Kelok threw his book through the phantom’s face. The spirit dissipated with a wail.
Kelok smiled with some satisfaction, showing his pointed predator’s teeth...until the sound of retching brought his attention back to Holmes on the bed. The detective was shaking and vomiting onto the floor. He collapsed, head hanging over the side of the mattress. Kelok caught him before he could slide off into the mess and rolled him back onto his back. His pupils were shrunk to pinpoints, and Kelok noted with alarm that his lips were turning blue.
Still he tried to get up, “Watson! What have I done? No...” he fell back weakly.
Kelok glanced over to Unger, who was checking on Watson.
“I think you better open that portal quick, half-orc,” Unger said anxiously.
Kelok set the RA and opened the portal. Unger started to pull Watson by the underarms.
“Let me take Watson, you can drag Holmes. He’s the less injured here.” Unger didn’t comment, just switched places. Unger’s short stature prevented him from doing more than dragging canons so much taller than him. Kelok carefully picked up Watson, who seemed to be unconscious, thankfully, and carried him through the portal to Medical.
Dr. Fitzgerald was waiting for them. “What have you brought me?”
“No lube, burns to the face, weakness, and possibly literal cobwebs in his brain.”
Unger came through a moment later dragging Holmes, who may or may not have been breathing.
Kelok took the vial out of his pocket. He didn’t notice the button escaping when he unzipped the backpack pocket. “He,” Kelok said pointing at Holmes, “took whatever is in this vial. The fic claimed morphine, but it didn’t act like morphine at all until we banished the phantom, and his right hand seems to have been turned into a magnet.”
“Phantom?” Dr. Fitzgerald paused for a moment, before saying, “Oh yes, you’re a Wraith; I haven’t heard phantom used for a long time. Go wait over there, we’ll have them straightened out in half an hour.
Kelok sat down on a chair and let his head rest on his hands. Unger sat down beside him. “You okay there, Kelok?”
Kelok straightened up. “I am. I-”
Giggle. Scuttle.
“That sounded like-” Unger began.
“Yes.” Kelok interrupted.
Giggle. Giggle. Scuttle.
Unger held up his empty pouch to show Kelok. “They’re all gone.”
Kelok checked inside the pocket of his backpack. "Mine too," he said. "How many were there all together?"
"Six."
Giggle. Giggle. Scuttle.
"We've got to catch them," Kelok said. He focused on his thermal vision and checked the inside of Unger's pouch. Cold. He scanned the generic surface all around them, and finally picked up a faint trail. "They are somewhere, back toward the treatment area."
The two agents silently stalked back toward the treatment area, hoping to avoid having to explain this to the doctor.
Giggle. Giggle. Scuttle.
"There they are!" Unger whispered excitedly, pointing at the discarded sheet Watson had been wrapped in. The buttons appeared to be happily munching on the material.
"On three?" Kelok asked.
Unger nodded and held up three fingers, counting down slowly.
"Now!" he shouted and sprang at the wayward creatures.
Buttons scattered. Unger slipped in a patch of blood, and slid into a supply shelf with an almighty crash accompanied by medical supplies flying around the room.
Dr. Fitzgerald appeared, looking livid. "What is the meaning of this, Agent Unger?"
"The buttons escaped, and we were trying to catch them, and..."
"Out!" The doctor pointed to the door. It seemed that the doctor still held a grudge over the fires from when Kelok had been injured. "You can wait in the hall. And you!" The doctor pointed at Kelok. "You can clean up this mess."
"Yes sir," Kelok said contritely. "What about our canon characters?"
"There were actual cobwebs in Watson's brain. It will take at least another thirty minutes to extract them all safely. Holmes died and had to be resurrected. He also needs at least another thirty minutes before being returned to his canon."
Kelok quickly picked all the supplies back up. The shelf was labeled, so he was able to be reasonably sure that he placed them correctly.
Giggle. Giggle. Scuttle.
He sighed. The buttons were still loose. He saw Unger waving at him frantically from the hallway, so he walked over to see what the half-elf needed.
“They were eating the cloth!”
“Yes.”
“So here is some cloth.” Unger had torn a bit of his kilt free. “Put it on the floor, and when they come out to eat it, you can capture them!”
“What are we going to put them in this time? You were right, they’re slippery little devils.”
“Turn the trashcan over them?”
“I guess it is worth a try. Give me the cloth.”
Kelok emptied a trash can, placed the scrap of cloth on the floor, and walked back to the waiting area.
Giggle.
He couldn’t see them yet.
Giggle. Scuttle.
There! He counted them as they cautiously approached the cloth. Six. All of them, finally. Slowly, carefully, he stalked his prey, feeling every ounce of the ridiculousness of the situation. When he was close enough, he slammed the trashcan over them. A terrified squealing was followed by scuttling, and banging on the walls of the trashcan
Kelok thumped the can with his finger, and everything went silent inside. “Now that I have your attention,” he said to the button creatures. “I want you to remain still when I move this can.” Feeling even sillier, and expecting the buttons to scatter the second they had the chance, he moved the can.
They remained still, looking up at him, with their tiny eyes wide and their hands over their ears.
“Listen, you like cloth, right?”
They rocked their whole bodies back and forth in an approximation of a nod.
“So, you go in this bag, and I’ll give you this cloth you were eating, and make sure you have a nice place to live with plenty to eat, okay?”
They ran into the pocket of his backpack. He added the cloth and zipped it.
A Nurse stepped into the room. She gave him a strange look, but said, “Get your partner. The canons are ready to go back. The sooner you get them neuralyzed the better. We’ve had to restrain Dr. Watson.”
Kelok motioned for Unger to come back in. When they entered the treatment area they saw Holmes huddled in a bed, the very image of abject misery. He was muttering, “Not Watson. Never Watson. What have I done?”
Watson on the other hand managed to look enraged and betrayed at the same time-like he couldn’t decide if he wanted to kill Holmes or curl up and pretend nothing had happened.
Both men were fully clothed. The Nurse saw his confusion over that point, and said, “We have Star Trek replicators here. Clothes are no problem. Good luck with the pair of them.” She went back about her business.
“Right, well, you get Holmes and I’ll take Watson,” Kelok said. Unger nodded and pulled the detective to his feet. The man seemed to be in a state of near shock, and cooperated without question.
Until Kelok had spoken, Watson had been glaring at Holmes. Now he was staring at Kelok with curiosity, though the Wraith could still see the anger there.
“Doctor, I know you still have a need to know where we are taking Mr. Holmes, in spite of what has happened. If you would just follow me, then this will all make a lot more sense.” Kelok opened the portal, and Unger and Holmes stepped through. Watson’s eyes widened as he took in the sitting room of 221B Baker Street visible through the portal.
Kelok put on his sunglasses and set the neuralyzer, just in case Watson became too unpredictable, and then cautiously removed the restraints.
“This is a nightmare. That’s all,” Watson muttered as he sat up and rubbed his wrists.
“And if you’ll just step this way, you can wake up,” Kelok told him.
Watson thought about it for a moment, then muttered, “It’s just a nightmare,” and walked through. Kelok followed, and, after checking that Unger had his glasses on, said “Gentlemen!” Both canons glanced up. Flash!
Both men were staring dazedly at him. “Now, Holmes, you do not take opium, you are not older than Watson, you have no interest in kissing or doing any other sexual activity with Watson, and you are ready to go eat a decent meal, smoke your pipe, and scrape on your violin while attempting to solve some problem.” He turned to Watson, “You were not attacked by Holmes tonight. You know he would never commit sodomy against you. You are a strong, capable, and intelligent man, who can easily beat off the advances of one who is inebriated. You are going to eat supper, smoke, and scribble in your journals tonight.”
Holmes had already went in search of his pipe, and Watson now joined him. The two agents looked at one another.
“Home?” Kelok asked.
“Wait, I know we are forgetting something. Don’t we have to clean that mess up?”
“No, Holmes’ room is down here; that room should disappear once we leave and canon snaps back fully.”
“But,” Unger’s eyes opened wide. “We forgot Homles!”
The two agents ran up the stairs and found the glowing green puppy, looking at them with some measure of scorn.
Unger knelt and tried to placate the mini while Kelok opened the portal back to their RC.