Optional
Miah ‘requests’ another mission with Cadmar, Mark, and Maria.
I do not own the PPC. It was created by Jay and Acacia--the original Assassins. The text below is a review in narrative form and also contains elements of parody/satire. Sanctuary was created and written by Damian Kindler, Martin Wood, and Sam Egan, and is distributed by Tricon Films and Television. Harry Potter was created and written by JK Rowling. This fic Sex Toys Optional belongs to Shadadukal who can keep it.
This is another co-write between Caddy-shack ( More of his stuff! ) and me.
Beta: Flareshard. Thank you for all the many grammar errors you caught, and for helping to spice this up.
Warning: The fic is NSFW/NSFB, so be careful clicking it. The mission, however, is safe.
Previous appearance: Interlude 3: Picking up the Pieces
Optional
Miah looked around guiltily to be sure that Cali hadn’t snuck up on her when she wasn’t looking. “How much longer is it going to take, you guys? We can’t have that much longer before a mission comes in.”
“Hold yer bloody horses, it takes time.” Magee said while typing furiously away on a laptop connected to the Console. “Aye ye sure ye want to do this? It’s awfully risky...”
“I’ve got to. The Flower practically gave me permission, anyway.”
“Mmm Hmm. Keep telling yerself that when yer called on the carpet,” Magee said, shrugging.
The console made a whirring noise, then-
[Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!]
“Success!” Magee stood up triumphantly, “I’ll take me chocolate now.”
“Here you go,” Miah said absently, handing the mini-LEO several bars of chocolate.
Magee took the chocolate and walked off happily. Miah disconnected the laptop form the Console and put it away before Cali saw it.
Miah grabbed the report and began reading, managing to only flinch a little when Cali stepped up beside her. “Look, Cali, another mission with Maria, Mark, and Cadmar. Harry Potter/Sanctuary crossover.”
“That’s odd. We’ve been going on a lot of missions with them, lately,” Cali said peering over Miah’s shoulder.
Miah noticed that he sounded less tense about working with Cadmar. Good, maybe he was getting over the weird crush on Cadmar. “Well, let’s head over to their RC,” She grabbed her pack.
0*0*0*0
Maria bounced happily over to Mark and Cadmar, the former was blushing mildly as the latter was showing him the tattoo on her back.
“So, after sobering up, I remembered that the tattoo thing on my back was Celtic, and hey, my name is Celtic, so I kept it. It wasn’t as grotesque as the other ones. “ Cadmar dropped the shirt back down and turned to Mark. “One of the guys in Fic Psyche was a tattooist or something, so he agreed to add some more to it if I co-operated.” Cadmar grinned, “I even got him to add to it down my arms too, see?”
“Yes, I saw. It is a nice design and does not clash too much with the original.” Mark returned to reading a book. “However, the thought of ashes being used in a tattoo is an unsettling one.”
“Eh. They were nameless, description-less bits, created for the sole purpose of backstory.” Cadmar went back to checking the pack. It was the seventh time in an hour. The proper way to stock and store gadgets had been drilled into her by an overly enthusiastic Maria and a motherly Miah.
“So, we’ve been together for a few months now,” Maria said as she reached them, holding something behind her back.
“Four months.” Mark said while putting the book down, “What of it?”
“We-ell, seeing as you guys are the first to stick around, I though we could-”
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!]
“-do something fun...”
Cadmar hopped up and over to the console. “Oh, we are going with Miah and Cali again, weird. Heeeey, what are you hiding behind your back, Maria?”
Maria sighed and put a black metallic box down beside the Console. “You’ll see later. So, if Miah and Cali are helping, then there will be five of us. That’s a bit much, so, how about I hang back?”
Cadmar stopped reading the and looked at Maria. “Er, why? I mean, sure five is a lot but you’re fun to have around.”
Maria smiled. “Nope! I’ll stay here and prepare the surprise. It needs a bit of installation anyway.”
As Maria walked away with the box, humming a somewhat familiar tune, Cadmar wilted a bit. “You have feelings toward Maria,” Mark said while reading the report.
“...Yeah. It’s just, she helped me so much. Hell, the first night I was trying to get her to leave me alone after I kept having the nightmares. I’ve always-”
“You’ve always had to keep yourself from falling apart, and she was there when you were unable to,” Mark finished for him. Cadmar nodded in shock. “I know the feeling.”
“Ya know, Mark, we haven’t really talked much, aside from small stuff. We’re friends, we should work on that,” Cadmar said a with smile. Mark noted that when Cadmar smiled without teeth, it was much more presentable.
“Yes, I would be willing to exchange stories. The fic is a cross-over. Harry Potter and Sanctuary. I have never heard of the second one, have you?” Mark scrolled down more.
“Yeah, it’s about a secret group of people keeping normal people unaware of Abormals. It’s like X-Files, sort of. I don’t know much.” Cadmar shrugged. “I guess that is why Miah and Cali are coming along.”
“Cadmar, get over here for a second!” Maria said, appearing behind them. “I have something for your hair problem.”
0*0*0*0
Miah had changed her mind about how accepting Cali was of working with Cadmar at this point. By the time they arrived the other team’s RC, Cali seemed to have gotten himself wound up into a bundle of nerves again. She shook her head and knocked on the door.
The door slid open by itself and allowed them in. Maria jumped them the second they entered the RC. “Hi guys! Fancy seeing you guys here!”
Cali plastered his brightest super-smile on. “Hello, Maria!” he said unconsciously slipping into his falsely deep tone of voice as he did.
Miah stared at him for a second. “Hi Maria.”
Maria let them up. “I won’t be going with you guys this time, five’s a crowd, and I have some things to do.” Maria frowned and tilted her head to the side. “There was something else I wanted to say... Right! Cadmar! Come show Miah and Cali!”
“No! I look stupid!”
“Uh, what happened now? Did you finally get the bra on her?” Miah asked.
Maria’s eyes widened and she made a crossing gesture with her hands. Cadmar shrieked from somewhere farther int he RC. “No! you’ll never get one on me! You can’t make me wear one!”
Miah’s eyebrow went up. “Interesting.”
Cali made a choking sound, and blushed. “So she’s only wearing a t-shirt?”
Maria sighed and shook her head. “Yeah, the B.R.A. thing is a powder keg for her. Cadmar, just show them your hair, I spent the last ten minutes on it.” Maria scooted over closer to Miah and whispered in her ear, “I always wanted to do that with someone!”
“Fine... fine...” Cadmar walked out of the perpetual gloom and walked over to them nervously. “... See?” Cadmar turned her head, showing Miah and Cali that her hair was now in a pony tail. “It ah, it got in the way otherwise...” she said with a small blush.
Miah turned her head to show off her pony tail. “Totally the only way to go with long hair. Low maintenance and out of the way.” She grinned mischievously. “Besides, now we match!”
Cali shook his head and groaned over his partner’s weirdness.
Cadmar smiled. “You guys all set?”
“The portal is open!” Mark called from behind a few piles of things.
“Oh, before we go, I have something to show you!” Cadmar ran off and returned a few seconds later with a side bag strapped over her shoulder. “I got a new bag. It’s got a small charm thing from Harry Potter so that it is bigger inside. It’s about the same size as the old pack inside, just this one has easier access to stuff, like the Dummies.” Cadmar smiled widely. “Improvement?”
“Hey, that’s great! So, how much do you all know about Sanctuary?” Miah asked.
“Well, only what Cali told me. Tesla is sexy incarnate, and Carter is there. Oh, and they fight monsters, and it’s like X-Files. And Vampire Squids,” Cadmar ticked off on her hands.
“Tesla...” Cali sighed dreamily. Then he grimaced. “Of course, he’ll probably be whiny and trying to kill himself in the fic. Ugh!”
Miah grimaced and nodded. “So you do know Harry Potter, right? I’m a little fuzzy, there.”
“Of course, I’ve only been possessed there twice.” Cadmar stuck her tongue out. “Shall we?’
“You’re sure you have the Dummy?” Miah asked, looking suddenly more worried after hearing about extra possessions.
“Yeah.” Cadmar opened the bag and began pulling things out. “YOU Dummy, ME Dummy, another YOU Dummy, another ME Dummy, another YOU Dummy, another ME Dummy, a couple of Dummy repair kits...”
“How’d you get all those... Nevermind. That’s good. Ready to go?”
“Yep!” Cadmar stuffed the stuff back in the bag and led the way into the fic.
Sex toys optional
Shadadukal
Hermione has no choice but to apparate home with Nikola to save both their lives. Her problem is that George chooses that day to send her a package that intrigues her visitor far too much.
Setting: HP: post-Deathly Hallows, but EWE (Epilogue What Epilogue); Sanctuary: pre-series.
“I can tell from the title and summary that we are in for a treat,” Mark said dryly.
Cadmar sighed. “Well, at least the author realizes a Lemon with a pre-epilogue Hermione would be illegal. And would make Tesla creepy.”
“She’s going to apparate Tesla to save his life. Do any of you have any idea how hard it is to kill him?” Cali said woefully.
“Very?” Cadmar asked.
"Please don't encourage him, or he'll tell you--in excruciating detail--all the ways they have attempted to kill the guy on the show," Miah said, waving her hands.
Cali opened and closed his mouth indignantly, trying to think of a way to answer without doing exactly what Miah was accusing him of.
Hermione fired a curse, using her momentum to roll behind a large rock, and waved her wand again, shooting red light at the beast, which really wasn't the one she had thought she was hunting. She took a deep breath and stood up quickly, casting a strong shield as she did so. A jet of green flames crashed against it, her shield serving its purpose, but she still felt the heat. She started to run again, firing another curse behind her. She ducked behind a tree to escape another burst of flame.
Cadmar looked at the pulsating blob that was ‘the beast’, shooting green flames at Hermione. “Um, any idea what is going on guys?”
“I can’t think of any fire breathing Abnormals that they’ve mentioned on the show. Maybe it’s a dragon? They have those in Harry Potter, right?” Miah said.
At the same time, Cali said, “Very. Very.”
“Very very late answer?” Cadmar asked with a sneaky grin at Cali.
Cali blushed.
“She is using an intelligent strategy to defeat it. That much seems In-Character to me. As is rescuing someone she just found,” Mark said. “What was Nikola doing before the show started?”
Cali jumped into the answer before Miah could shush him. “Well, Magnus hadn’t seen him in sixty years when the show started, so his doings are a bit vague. What seems to be apparent in the show is that Magnus is sort of his moral compass, and he was pretty out there on the villain scale when we first met him. He was making vampires out of dead bodies, and endangering and even threatening--I don’t think he was serious--Magnus’ life. Oh yeah, and he had recently tortured Druitt pretty hard right before we saw him on the show for the first time--”
“Short answer, Cali,” Miah said in slight annoyance.
“Um, he could have been anywhere, and you wouldn’t have wanted to get in his way,” Cali said.
Cadmar grinned at Cali.”You sure know a lot about him. You stalk him?” she said teasingly.
“No!” Cali said suspiciously quickly.
Miah coughed what sounded suspiciously like, “Shrine! In his! Room!”
Cali blushed to the tips of his ears.
Cadmar chuckled. “Well, at least you chose someone cool to like. And you actually know about him, so it’s not like you just drool over him.”
Mark interrupted. “If you are finished mocking Cali, Hermione and Tesla have disappeared. If you would open a portal?”
Cadmar opened a portal, and they all arrived in Generic Space, void of anything aside from Tesla and Hermione, who were eying each-other warily.
She was either deranged or she was an abnormal channeling great power through a stick of wood. Nikola could think of stranger things. He forced himself to change back to his human form so as to look less threatening.
Cadmar blinked. “Human form?”
“Oh yeah, when he wants to use all of his vampiric powers he changes a bit. His fingernails get very long, his teeth grow into fangs, his brow ridge gets more pronounced and his eyes turn solid black--the whole eye. He usually kind of hisses when he attacks like that. Kind of an intimidation thing, I guess. Definitely not how he normally walks about,” Cali looked in the Words for where it said Tesla had changed into the vampiric form. He didn’t find it. He nudged the others away from the standoff in front of them, and pointed to the Words they had missed before portalling.
"What are you?" they asked each other at the same time.
"I'm Hermione Granger," the young woman said. "I'm a witch."
"A witch? That's not possible."
"It is. I am one," she stated again, calmly. "What are you?" she asked again.
"A vampire."
"No, you're not. I've read all about vampires. You definitely don't look like one."
"Then you must have been reading the wrong books."
Mark pulled out the chargelist. “Do you think blatantly mixing two canons together and not even trying to explain them is charge worthy? Hermione telling the person she is a witch certainly is.”
“Yeah. I doubt the wizarding world would be oblivious to Abnormals. And there being different kinds of vampires.” Cadmar looked at Cali slyly, “Hey, how much chest hair does Tesla have?”
Cali looked at Miah with a grieved expression. “You told them about that?”
“About what? I just thought you’d know since you are like an encyclopedia on him. But now...” Cadmar grinned wider. “I hear the beginning of an interesting story.”
Mark cleared his throat. “We are on duty. Look, another blatant showing of the effects of mashing two canons together with no real thought.”
And a long story it was. And a very interesting one. From her point of view, the world was divided between magical and non-magical people. He asked more questions about magical beasts and creatures and soon realized there didn't seem to be a match between them.
Certainly some were called the same, such as vampires, and there were common points enough that, in all those cases, the choice of such legendary names as vampire, mermaid and werewolf made sense, but they were different beings.
In truth, two completely different worlds were hidden from the view of normal folk and it seemed that both worlds had so far managed not to come across each other.
“Uh yeah. No way Magnus, and by extension the rest of The Five didn’t know about the wizarding world. Also, just so you know, Tesla’s line about her reading the wrong books, was in-character. The rest of this... not so much,” Cali said, still pink about the ears, and obviously trying to avoid Cadmar’s questioning looks.
Cadmar was about to continue teasing Cali when she noticed something. “Um, guys, that doesn’t look good...” she pointed to Hermione and Tesla.
"I understand the need for discretion." She wiped her hand on her jeans, and then continued. "But the Minister of Magic needs to know. I don't think our two worlds should merge and be aware of one another, but a lot of good could come from a certain amount of working together on some things. Kingsley will want to see you just to be sure I'm not simply in on an on-going prank George has unleashed on him. After that, I promise you're off the hook. I can even take you back to the cliff edge."
“You know, if done correctly, this story could be really interesting. I can think of several ways that Tesla would react to finding out about magic. It could be possible, I suppose, that the others would keep something like this from him, and if the Ministry knew about Abnormals, I could see them keeping it from the rank and file, but somehow I doubt that any of the interesting possibilities are where this fic is going to go,” Miah said from the edge of the group.
Mark nodded. “Amazing how you were able to say that all in one breath,” he said with the smirk evident in his voice.
"So you know, you'd be welcome in our world now that part-humans are treated fairly," she finished with a nod.
He burst out laughing. She must have been thinking he was adrift, on his own, needing sanctuary, and an image of Helen taking in all kinds of strays came to his mind. When he saw Hermione's eyes growing stormy again, he spoke of the Sanctuary network and what Helen and James were doing for the well-being of abnormals.
Cadmar made a thoughtful noise. “I don’t remember the non-human species getting a better life after the books. Charge for making life better for a lot of oppressed people... and feel like a total jerk for doing it.”
“He’s just telling her all about the Sanctuary Network, now. Even in his most villainous state when we first met him on the show, he didn’t contact Magnus in a way that would expose the Sanctuary to threat. That’s a charge. Also, he’s pretty darn arrogant, but this is a completely unknown situation for him. He’d be drawn to the potential power, but only interacting with it on his terms,” Cali said.
“Why does Hermione keep wiping her hands on her jeans? Why is she even wearing muggle clothes to begin with?” Miah asked.
“Hey, that owl is carrying a letter of canon breakery,” Cadmar said off hand, while taking aim with a Beretta, “Think I can nail it from here?”
“No! Do you know how good a vampire’s hearing is? Actually... why hasn’t he noticed us?” Cali asked, frowning. “But, never mind. We’ve got to get the owl quietly.”
“And non-lethally,” Mark added, looking right at Cadmar, who frowned but put the gun away.
“All right, fine.” Cadmar pulled out a Muggle-Use, “See? I have mission foresight now, I pack for specific continuums! Accio owl!” Cadmar caught the irate owl in her other hand. “Ow! She bites!”
Mark sighed. “I see I am back to being the only one actually paying attention.” A generic apartment materialized around them. “She has just received five owls, four of which are from George Weasley.
It was wrapped in a bright pink paper with tiny silver star-shaped stickers that were blinking. There was a note stuck on it. Nikola leaned closer to read it.
"Hello beautiful!
Here are some products from our Wonder Witch line for you to test. Write back ASAP if you encounter any problems or think of any ideas for improvement. Have fun!
Love always, George W."
"Wonder Witch?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
“No, no, no, no...” Cali muttered.
Miah patted him on the back. “At least he’s not suicidal.”
Nikola followed her. She went further down the hallway and pushed the door on the right. It was her bedroom. And it was much bigger than the layout of the flat suggested. Was there magic at work? Hermione deposited her package on the bed, turned around and jolted back a little when she saw him.
Miah peered at the words.
"Do you have to follow me around like that?"
"I'm simply curious what magical sex toys look like."
“You know, the rest of this fic is just an extended sex scene. How about we end it now? We just need to exorcise them, and head home,” Miah said.
“How are you planning on getting Tesla to hold still for being exorcised? Electricity based stunners like zats won’t work on him,” Cali asked.
“I got a solution for that!” Cadmar opened her bag and shuffled around in it and pulled out a Muggle-Use Wand. “Stunning spell.”
"They're not sex toys!"
"Yes, because you'd have blushed like that had he sent you a whooping cushion to test."
“That should work. Do it! Quick! before they get their clothes off!” Cali said.
“Don’t you want to see Tesla naked again?” Miah asked with a smirk.
She blushed some more.
"That's still not any of your business."
"I could help you test them."
“I do not think so,” Mark said. “This has gone on far enough.”
“Stupefy!” Cadmar shouted, aiming at a confused Tesla, luckily hitting him.
Miah pulled one of the Sanctuary stun guns from her pack, and shot Hermione with it. “Cadmar, can you draw the chalk circle? Here you go, Cali. You set up the candles. Mark, you’ve got the chargelist, right?”
“Yes, I am ready.” Mark said with a nod.
“All right,” Miah said after the circle was drawn and the candles lit. “Here are DVDs of Sanctuary, Books and movies of Harry Potter. Everyone grab a canon source. Damian Kindler, Martin Wood, Sam Egan, and Amanda Tapping for Sanctuary. J.K. Rowling for Harry Potter. Let’s do this!”
“By the powers of Rowling, we banish you! Spirits of Random Sex!” Cadmar shouted and thwacked Hermione on the head.
Miah grabbed a Sanctuary DVD set and hit Tesla with it. “Out spirit of credulity! The power of Kindler and Wood compels you!”
Cali hit Tesla with another DVD set and said, “I banish you OOCness!” Yellow smoke began pouring from their noses and mouths.
Mark shrugged and threw a movie at Hermione. “Be gone, easy acceptance of world shattering discoveries!”
Miah hit Tesla again and said, “Avaunt really quite boring lemon scene!”
As soon as she finished saying that, the spirit fully formed--in the shape of a large lemon. Everyone except Mark threw their canon material at it, and it disappeared, leaving only a faint fresh citrus smell behind.
The canon characters were waking up, fortunately still looking a bit dazed. Miah checked that everyone was wearing sunglasses, and flashed the neuralyzer. “OK, you two have never met. The epilogue happened exactly as it did in the book, Hermione. You should apparate off to wherever you should be right now.”
Cali opened a portal. “Dr. Tesla, you should go to wherever you should be right now.”
Hermione disappeared and Tesla nodded absently before walking through the portal.
“Sooo... “ Cadmar put the wand back in the bag and went into the kitchen. “I’m raiding this place.”
“That’s a good idea. Um, what are we going to do about these?” Miah asked, pointing at the box full of sex toys.
Cadmar paused. “I wanna try out a fire spell. I’ll go burn them out back.” she walked back in, grabbing the box. “Just ignore any laughter,” she said as she walked out the door.
Miah looked at Mark knowingly and smirked. “She is so stealing those. You know that, right?”
Mark was pointedly scuffing the chalk marks off of the floor. “I cannot hear you over the massive amount of denial I am using.”
“Why would she...” Cali trailed off, blushing.
0*0*0*0
The agents stepped through the portal with their arms loaded with supplies from the apartment the fic had created. They’d already gotten most of the small furniture through.
“Well, that was a good haul. I even got the kitchen sink!” Cadmar said triumphantly. “Now we have an alternative to that thrice damned monster infested one.”
“You’re still keeping the other one for Truth or Dare, though, right?” Miah asked.
“Of course, I have some plans for it and Florestan dearest,” Cadmar said with a vicious grin.
“I can’t wait. When are we getting together again for Truth or Dare?”
Mark plopped down on a couch and put a overly large Mexican hat over his head, so it was covering his face. “Hopefully not soon, I am tired.”
“Well, I guess we’ll be leaving now,” Miah said as she and Cali left.
Several minutes later, Maria walked up to Cadmar and Mark, who were lazing on the couch. “Heeeey, you guys. I got the things all set up!”
Cadmar raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”
Maria smiled widely and nodded. “A-yep!”
Mark groaned, “Do we have to get up?”
Maria smike widened. “Nnnnnope! You just have to sit still and not squirm.” she pulled the black metallic box out from a pocket. “Well, it’s time to install them now.”
Cadmar eyes widened. “I... install?”
Maria pulled out a Neuralyzer from her pocket, and closed her eyes.
*Flash!*
“Now, you two are going to sit still and be good little fledgelings while I install these,” Maria said while pulling a sharp pair of tweezers out of the pocket, and some other sharp instruments. “Oh, and you will forget this ever happened. It’s a surprise, after all!”
Cadmar and Mark nodded mutely as Maria approached them. “Now, I need you to turn your head to the left, I need to see your ears.” A horror movie chord played as Rasputin walked across a piano.
The End
Miah’s Notes: This story had the potential to be rather interesting. Instead it ignored all possible interesting turns to head straight into lemon territory. What’s worse is that when it actually got into the lemon, that wasn’t even interesting. We would have gone through the lemon section of the fic, too, but it was just too boring to make any good jokes.
Next appearance: Mission 12: Bark at the Moon
I do not own the PPC. It was created by Jay and Acacia--the original Assassins. The text below is a review in narrative form and also contains elements of parody/satire. Sanctuary was created and written by Damian Kindler, Martin Wood, and Sam Egan, and is distributed by Tricon Films and Television. Harry Potter was created and written by JK Rowling. This fic Sex Toys Optional belongs to Shadadukal who can keep it.
This is another co-write between Caddy-shack ( More of his stuff! ) and me.
Beta: Flareshard. Thank you for all the many grammar errors you caught, and for helping to spice this up.
Warning: The fic is NSFW/NSFB, so be careful clicking it. The mission, however, is safe.
Previous appearance: Interlude 3: Picking up the Pieces
Optional
Miah looked around guiltily to be sure that Cali hadn’t snuck up on her when she wasn’t looking. “How much longer is it going to take, you guys? We can’t have that much longer before a mission comes in.”
“Hold yer bloody horses, it takes time.” Magee said while typing furiously away on a laptop connected to the Console. “Aye ye sure ye want to do this? It’s awfully risky...”
“I’ve got to. The Flower practically gave me permission, anyway.”
“Mmm Hmm. Keep telling yerself that when yer called on the carpet,” Magee said, shrugging.
The console made a whirring noise, then-
[Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!]
“Success!” Magee stood up triumphantly, “I’ll take me chocolate now.”
“Here you go,” Miah said absently, handing the mini-LEO several bars of chocolate.
Magee took the chocolate and walked off happily. Miah disconnected the laptop form the Console and put it away before Cali saw it.
Miah grabbed the report and began reading, managing to only flinch a little when Cali stepped up beside her. “Look, Cali, another mission with Maria, Mark, and Cadmar. Harry Potter/Sanctuary crossover.”
“That’s odd. We’ve been going on a lot of missions with them, lately,” Cali said peering over Miah’s shoulder.
Miah noticed that he sounded less tense about working with Cadmar. Good, maybe he was getting over the weird crush on Cadmar. “Well, let’s head over to their RC,” She grabbed her pack.
0*0*0*0
Maria bounced happily over to Mark and Cadmar, the former was blushing mildly as the latter was showing him the tattoo on her back.
“So, after sobering up, I remembered that the tattoo thing on my back was Celtic, and hey, my name is Celtic, so I kept it. It wasn’t as grotesque as the other ones. “ Cadmar dropped the shirt back down and turned to Mark. “One of the guys in Fic Psyche was a tattooist or something, so he agreed to add some more to it if I co-operated.” Cadmar grinned, “I even got him to add to it down my arms too, see?”
“Yes, I saw. It is a nice design and does not clash too much with the original.” Mark returned to reading a book. “However, the thought of ashes being used in a tattoo is an unsettling one.”
“Eh. They were nameless, description-less bits, created for the sole purpose of backstory.” Cadmar went back to checking the pack. It was the seventh time in an hour. The proper way to stock and store gadgets had been drilled into her by an overly enthusiastic Maria and a motherly Miah.
“So, we’ve been together for a few months now,” Maria said as she reached them, holding something behind her back.
“Four months.” Mark said while putting the book down, “What of it?”
“We-ell, seeing as you guys are the first to stick around, I though we could-”
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!]
“-do something fun...”
Cadmar hopped up and over to the console. “Oh, we are going with Miah and Cali again, weird. Heeeey, what are you hiding behind your back, Maria?”
Maria sighed and put a black metallic box down beside the Console. “You’ll see later. So, if Miah and Cali are helping, then there will be five of us. That’s a bit much, so, how about I hang back?”
Cadmar stopped reading the and looked at Maria. “Er, why? I mean, sure five is a lot but you’re fun to have around.”
Maria smiled. “Nope! I’ll stay here and prepare the surprise. It needs a bit of installation anyway.”
As Maria walked away with the box, humming a somewhat familiar tune, Cadmar wilted a bit. “You have feelings toward Maria,” Mark said while reading the report.
“...Yeah. It’s just, she helped me so much. Hell, the first night I was trying to get her to leave me alone after I kept having the nightmares. I’ve always-”
“You’ve always had to keep yourself from falling apart, and she was there when you were unable to,” Mark finished for him. Cadmar nodded in shock. “I know the feeling.”
“Ya know, Mark, we haven’t really talked much, aside from small stuff. We’re friends, we should work on that,” Cadmar said a with smile. Mark noted that when Cadmar smiled without teeth, it was much more presentable.
“Yes, I would be willing to exchange stories. The fic is a cross-over. Harry Potter and Sanctuary. I have never heard of the second one, have you?” Mark scrolled down more.
“Yeah, it’s about a secret group of people keeping normal people unaware of Abormals. It’s like X-Files, sort of. I don’t know much.” Cadmar shrugged. “I guess that is why Miah and Cali are coming along.”
“Cadmar, get over here for a second!” Maria said, appearing behind them. “I have something for your hair problem.”
0*0*0*0
Miah had changed her mind about how accepting Cali was of working with Cadmar at this point. By the time they arrived the other team’s RC, Cali seemed to have gotten himself wound up into a bundle of nerves again. She shook her head and knocked on the door.
The door slid open by itself and allowed them in. Maria jumped them the second they entered the RC. “Hi guys! Fancy seeing you guys here!”
Cali plastered his brightest super-smile on. “Hello, Maria!” he said unconsciously slipping into his falsely deep tone of voice as he did.
Miah stared at him for a second. “Hi Maria.”
Maria let them up. “I won’t be going with you guys this time, five’s a crowd, and I have some things to do.” Maria frowned and tilted her head to the side. “There was something else I wanted to say... Right! Cadmar! Come show Miah and Cali!”
“No! I look stupid!”
“Uh, what happened now? Did you finally get the bra on her?” Miah asked.
Maria’s eyes widened and she made a crossing gesture with her hands. Cadmar shrieked from somewhere farther int he RC. “No! you’ll never get one on me! You can’t make me wear one!”
Miah’s eyebrow went up. “Interesting.”
Cali made a choking sound, and blushed. “So she’s only wearing a t-shirt?”
Maria sighed and shook her head. “Yeah, the B.R.A. thing is a powder keg for her. Cadmar, just show them your hair, I spent the last ten minutes on it.” Maria scooted over closer to Miah and whispered in her ear, “I always wanted to do that with someone!”
“Fine... fine...” Cadmar walked out of the perpetual gloom and walked over to them nervously. “... See?” Cadmar turned her head, showing Miah and Cali that her hair was now in a pony tail. “It ah, it got in the way otherwise...” she said with a small blush.
Miah turned her head to show off her pony tail. “Totally the only way to go with long hair. Low maintenance and out of the way.” She grinned mischievously. “Besides, now we match!”
Cali shook his head and groaned over his partner’s weirdness.
Cadmar smiled. “You guys all set?”
“The portal is open!” Mark called from behind a few piles of things.
“Oh, before we go, I have something to show you!” Cadmar ran off and returned a few seconds later with a side bag strapped over her shoulder. “I got a new bag. It’s got a small charm thing from Harry Potter so that it is bigger inside. It’s about the same size as the old pack inside, just this one has easier access to stuff, like the Dummies.” Cadmar smiled widely. “Improvement?”
“Hey, that’s great! So, how much do you all know about Sanctuary?” Miah asked.
“Well, only what Cali told me. Tesla is sexy incarnate, and Carter is there. Oh, and they fight monsters, and it’s like X-Files. And Vampire Squids,” Cadmar ticked off on her hands.
“Tesla...” Cali sighed dreamily. Then he grimaced. “Of course, he’ll probably be whiny and trying to kill himself in the fic. Ugh!”
Miah grimaced and nodded. “So you do know Harry Potter, right? I’m a little fuzzy, there.”
“Of course, I’ve only been possessed there twice.” Cadmar stuck her tongue out. “Shall we?’
“You’re sure you have the Dummy?” Miah asked, looking suddenly more worried after hearing about extra possessions.
“Yeah.” Cadmar opened the bag and began pulling things out. “YOU Dummy, ME Dummy, another YOU Dummy, another ME Dummy, another YOU Dummy, another ME Dummy, a couple of Dummy repair kits...”
“How’d you get all those... Nevermind. That’s good. Ready to go?”
“Yep!” Cadmar stuffed the stuff back in the bag and led the way into the fic.
Sex toys optional
Shadadukal
Hermione has no choice but to apparate home with Nikola to save both their lives. Her problem is that George chooses that day to send her a package that intrigues her visitor far too much.
Setting: HP: post-Deathly Hallows, but EWE (Epilogue What Epilogue); Sanctuary: pre-series.
“I can tell from the title and summary that we are in for a treat,” Mark said dryly.
Cadmar sighed. “Well, at least the author realizes a Lemon with a pre-epilogue Hermione would be illegal. And would make Tesla creepy.”
“She’s going to apparate Tesla to save his life. Do any of you have any idea how hard it is to kill him?” Cali said woefully.
“Very?” Cadmar asked.
"Please don't encourage him, or he'll tell you--in excruciating detail--all the ways they have attempted to kill the guy on the show," Miah said, waving her hands.
Cali opened and closed his mouth indignantly, trying to think of a way to answer without doing exactly what Miah was accusing him of.
Hermione fired a curse, using her momentum to roll behind a large rock, and waved her wand again, shooting red light at the beast, which really wasn't the one she had thought she was hunting. She took a deep breath and stood up quickly, casting a strong shield as she did so. A jet of green flames crashed against it, her shield serving its purpose, but she still felt the heat. She started to run again, firing another curse behind her. She ducked behind a tree to escape another burst of flame.
Cadmar looked at the pulsating blob that was ‘the beast’, shooting green flames at Hermione. “Um, any idea what is going on guys?”
“I can’t think of any fire breathing Abnormals that they’ve mentioned on the show. Maybe it’s a dragon? They have those in Harry Potter, right?” Miah said.
At the same time, Cali said, “Very. Very.”
“Very very late answer?” Cadmar asked with a sneaky grin at Cali.
Cali blushed.
“She is using an intelligent strategy to defeat it. That much seems In-Character to me. As is rescuing someone she just found,” Mark said. “What was Nikola doing before the show started?”
Cali jumped into the answer before Miah could shush him. “Well, Magnus hadn’t seen him in sixty years when the show started, so his doings are a bit vague. What seems to be apparent in the show is that Magnus is sort of his moral compass, and he was pretty out there on the villain scale when we first met him. He was making vampires out of dead bodies, and endangering and even threatening--I don’t think he was serious--Magnus’ life. Oh yeah, and he had recently tortured Druitt pretty hard right before we saw him on the show for the first time--”
“Short answer, Cali,” Miah said in slight annoyance.
“Um, he could have been anywhere, and you wouldn’t have wanted to get in his way,” Cali said.
Cadmar grinned at Cali.”You sure know a lot about him. You stalk him?” she said teasingly.
“No!” Cali said suspiciously quickly.
Miah coughed what sounded suspiciously like, “Shrine! In his! Room!”
Cali blushed to the tips of his ears.
Cadmar chuckled. “Well, at least you chose someone cool to like. And you actually know about him, so it’s not like you just drool over him.”
Mark interrupted. “If you are finished mocking Cali, Hermione and Tesla have disappeared. If you would open a portal?”
Cadmar opened a portal, and they all arrived in Generic Space, void of anything aside from Tesla and Hermione, who were eying each-other warily.
She was either deranged or she was an abnormal channeling great power through a stick of wood. Nikola could think of stranger things. He forced himself to change back to his human form so as to look less threatening.
Cadmar blinked. “Human form?”
“Oh yeah, when he wants to use all of his vampiric powers he changes a bit. His fingernails get very long, his teeth grow into fangs, his brow ridge gets more pronounced and his eyes turn solid black--the whole eye. He usually kind of hisses when he attacks like that. Kind of an intimidation thing, I guess. Definitely not how he normally walks about,” Cali looked in the Words for where it said Tesla had changed into the vampiric form. He didn’t find it. He nudged the others away from the standoff in front of them, and pointed to the Words they had missed before portalling.
"What are you?" they asked each other at the same time.
"I'm Hermione Granger," the young woman said. "I'm a witch."
"A witch? That's not possible."
"It is. I am one," she stated again, calmly. "What are you?" she asked again.
"A vampire."
"No, you're not. I've read all about vampires. You definitely don't look like one."
"Then you must have been reading the wrong books."
Mark pulled out the chargelist. “Do you think blatantly mixing two canons together and not even trying to explain them is charge worthy? Hermione telling the person she is a witch certainly is.”
“Yeah. I doubt the wizarding world would be oblivious to Abnormals. And there being different kinds of vampires.” Cadmar looked at Cali slyly, “Hey, how much chest hair does Tesla have?”
Cali looked at Miah with a grieved expression. “You told them about that?”
“About what? I just thought you’d know since you are like an encyclopedia on him. But now...” Cadmar grinned wider. “I hear the beginning of an interesting story.”
Mark cleared his throat. “We are on duty. Look, another blatant showing of the effects of mashing two canons together with no real thought.”
And a long story it was. And a very interesting one. From her point of view, the world was divided between magical and non-magical people. He asked more questions about magical beasts and creatures and soon realized there didn't seem to be a match between them.
Certainly some were called the same, such as vampires, and there were common points enough that, in all those cases, the choice of such legendary names as vampire, mermaid and werewolf made sense, but they were different beings.
In truth, two completely different worlds were hidden from the view of normal folk and it seemed that both worlds had so far managed not to come across each other.
“Uh yeah. No way Magnus, and by extension the rest of The Five didn’t know about the wizarding world. Also, just so you know, Tesla’s line about her reading the wrong books, was in-character. The rest of this... not so much,” Cali said, still pink about the ears, and obviously trying to avoid Cadmar’s questioning looks.
Cadmar was about to continue teasing Cali when she noticed something. “Um, guys, that doesn’t look good...” she pointed to Hermione and Tesla.
"I understand the need for discretion." She wiped her hand on her jeans, and then continued. "But the Minister of Magic needs to know. I don't think our two worlds should merge and be aware of one another, but a lot of good could come from a certain amount of working together on some things. Kingsley will want to see you just to be sure I'm not simply in on an on-going prank George has unleashed on him. After that, I promise you're off the hook. I can even take you back to the cliff edge."
“You know, if done correctly, this story could be really interesting. I can think of several ways that Tesla would react to finding out about magic. It could be possible, I suppose, that the others would keep something like this from him, and if the Ministry knew about Abnormals, I could see them keeping it from the rank and file, but somehow I doubt that any of the interesting possibilities are where this fic is going to go,” Miah said from the edge of the group.
Mark nodded. “Amazing how you were able to say that all in one breath,” he said with the smirk evident in his voice.
"So you know, you'd be welcome in our world now that part-humans are treated fairly," she finished with a nod.
He burst out laughing. She must have been thinking he was adrift, on his own, needing sanctuary, and an image of Helen taking in all kinds of strays came to his mind. When he saw Hermione's eyes growing stormy again, he spoke of the Sanctuary network and what Helen and James were doing for the well-being of abnormals.
Cadmar made a thoughtful noise. “I don’t remember the non-human species getting a better life after the books. Charge for making life better for a lot of oppressed people... and feel like a total jerk for doing it.”
“He’s just telling her all about the Sanctuary Network, now. Even in his most villainous state when we first met him on the show, he didn’t contact Magnus in a way that would expose the Sanctuary to threat. That’s a charge. Also, he’s pretty darn arrogant, but this is a completely unknown situation for him. He’d be drawn to the potential power, but only interacting with it on his terms,” Cali said.
“Why does Hermione keep wiping her hands on her jeans? Why is she even wearing muggle clothes to begin with?” Miah asked.
“Hey, that owl is carrying a letter of canon breakery,” Cadmar said off hand, while taking aim with a Beretta, “Think I can nail it from here?”
“No! Do you know how good a vampire’s hearing is? Actually... why hasn’t he noticed us?” Cali asked, frowning. “But, never mind. We’ve got to get the owl quietly.”
“And non-lethally,” Mark added, looking right at Cadmar, who frowned but put the gun away.
“All right, fine.” Cadmar pulled out a Muggle-Use, “See? I have mission foresight now, I pack for specific continuums! Accio owl!” Cadmar caught the irate owl in her other hand. “Ow! She bites!”
Mark sighed. “I see I am back to being the only one actually paying attention.” A generic apartment materialized around them. “She has just received five owls, four of which are from George Weasley.
It was wrapped in a bright pink paper with tiny silver star-shaped stickers that were blinking. There was a note stuck on it. Nikola leaned closer to read it.
"Hello beautiful!
Here are some products from our Wonder Witch line for you to test. Write back ASAP if you encounter any problems or think of any ideas for improvement. Have fun!
Love always, George W."
"Wonder Witch?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
“No, no, no, no...” Cali muttered.
Miah patted him on the back. “At least he’s not suicidal.”
Nikola followed her. She went further down the hallway and pushed the door on the right. It was her bedroom. And it was much bigger than the layout of the flat suggested. Was there magic at work? Hermione deposited her package on the bed, turned around and jolted back a little when she saw him.
Miah peered at the words.
"Do you have to follow me around like that?"
"I'm simply curious what magical sex toys look like."
“You know, the rest of this fic is just an extended sex scene. How about we end it now? We just need to exorcise them, and head home,” Miah said.
“How are you planning on getting Tesla to hold still for being exorcised? Electricity based stunners like zats won’t work on him,” Cali asked.
“I got a solution for that!” Cadmar opened her bag and shuffled around in it and pulled out a Muggle-Use Wand. “Stunning spell.”
"They're not sex toys!"
"Yes, because you'd have blushed like that had he sent you a whooping cushion to test."
“That should work. Do it! Quick! before they get their clothes off!” Cali said.
“Don’t you want to see Tesla naked again?” Miah asked with a smirk.
She blushed some more.
"That's still not any of your business."
"I could help you test them."
“I do not think so,” Mark said. “This has gone on far enough.”
“Stupefy!” Cadmar shouted, aiming at a confused Tesla, luckily hitting him.
Miah pulled one of the Sanctuary stun guns from her pack, and shot Hermione with it. “Cadmar, can you draw the chalk circle? Here you go, Cali. You set up the candles. Mark, you’ve got the chargelist, right?”
“Yes, I am ready.” Mark said with a nod.
“All right,” Miah said after the circle was drawn and the candles lit. “Here are DVDs of Sanctuary, Books and movies of Harry Potter. Everyone grab a canon source. Damian Kindler, Martin Wood, Sam Egan, and Amanda Tapping for Sanctuary. J.K. Rowling for Harry Potter. Let’s do this!”
“By the powers of Rowling, we banish you! Spirits of Random Sex!” Cadmar shouted and thwacked Hermione on the head.
Miah grabbed a Sanctuary DVD set and hit Tesla with it. “Out spirit of credulity! The power of Kindler and Wood compels you!”
Cali hit Tesla with another DVD set and said, “I banish you OOCness!” Yellow smoke began pouring from their noses and mouths.
Mark shrugged and threw a movie at Hermione. “Be gone, easy acceptance of world shattering discoveries!”
Miah hit Tesla again and said, “Avaunt really quite boring lemon scene!”
As soon as she finished saying that, the spirit fully formed--in the shape of a large lemon. Everyone except Mark threw their canon material at it, and it disappeared, leaving only a faint fresh citrus smell behind.
The canon characters were waking up, fortunately still looking a bit dazed. Miah checked that everyone was wearing sunglasses, and flashed the neuralyzer. “OK, you two have never met. The epilogue happened exactly as it did in the book, Hermione. You should apparate off to wherever you should be right now.”
Cali opened a portal. “Dr. Tesla, you should go to wherever you should be right now.”
Hermione disappeared and Tesla nodded absently before walking through the portal.
“Sooo... “ Cadmar put the wand back in the bag and went into the kitchen. “I’m raiding this place.”
“That’s a good idea. Um, what are we going to do about these?” Miah asked, pointing at the box full of sex toys.
Cadmar paused. “I wanna try out a fire spell. I’ll go burn them out back.” she walked back in, grabbing the box. “Just ignore any laughter,” she said as she walked out the door.
Miah looked at Mark knowingly and smirked. “She is so stealing those. You know that, right?”
Mark was pointedly scuffing the chalk marks off of the floor. “I cannot hear you over the massive amount of denial I am using.”
“Why would she...” Cali trailed off, blushing.
0*0*0*0
The agents stepped through the portal with their arms loaded with supplies from the apartment the fic had created. They’d already gotten most of the small furniture through.
“Well, that was a good haul. I even got the kitchen sink!” Cadmar said triumphantly. “Now we have an alternative to that thrice damned monster infested one.”
“You’re still keeping the other one for Truth or Dare, though, right?” Miah asked.
“Of course, I have some plans for it and Florestan dearest,” Cadmar said with a vicious grin.
“I can’t wait. When are we getting together again for Truth or Dare?”
Mark plopped down on a couch and put a overly large Mexican hat over his head, so it was covering his face. “Hopefully not soon, I am tired.”
“Well, I guess we’ll be leaving now,” Miah said as she and Cali left.
Several minutes later, Maria walked up to Cadmar and Mark, who were lazing on the couch. “Heeeey, you guys. I got the things all set up!”
Cadmar raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”
Maria smiled widely and nodded. “A-yep!”
Mark groaned, “Do we have to get up?”
Maria smike widened. “Nnnnnope! You just have to sit still and not squirm.” she pulled the black metallic box out from a pocket. “Well, it’s time to install them now.”
Cadmar eyes widened. “I... install?”
Maria pulled out a Neuralyzer from her pocket, and closed her eyes.
*Flash!*
“Now, you two are going to sit still and be good little fledgelings while I install these,” Maria said while pulling a sharp pair of tweezers out of the pocket, and some other sharp instruments. “Oh, and you will forget this ever happened. It’s a surprise, after all!”
Cadmar and Mark nodded mutely as Maria approached them. “Now, I need you to turn your head to the left, I need to see your ears.” A horror movie chord played as Rasputin walked across a piano.
The End
Miah’s Notes: This story had the potential to be rather interesting. Instead it ignored all possible interesting turns to head straight into lemon territory. What’s worse is that when it actually got into the lemon, that wasn’t even interesting. We would have gone through the lemon section of the fic, too, but it was just too boring to make any good jokes.
Next appearance: Mission 12: Bark at the Moon