God Knows I Hate To Watch Him Bleed (Jace/Alec)
Title: God Knows I Hate To Watch Him Bleed
Fandom: Shadowhunters
Pairings: Jace/Alec
Rating: T
Summary: As the Clave tightens its hold around the Institute and its habitants, Jace needs to make one last visit before leaving.
Also posted on FF.net and AO3.
Climbing through a window on the fifth floor of the Institute was admittedly not Jace’s best idea. It wasn’t the worst, either, so he wasn’t going to lose sleep over it.
What welcomed him on the other side of said window, however, wasn’t a sight he was going to forget soon.
The room was familiar - the furniture was scarce and everything was just tidy enough to be habitable. The first thing Jace saw what the desk, which seemed to be covered in even more books and documents of all sorts than usual, but then his eyes scanned the room for its habitant. And there he was: Alec was sitting on his bed, clearly awake, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. He wasn’t moving and Jace’s heart skipped a beat before he saw his parabatai turn his head to face him.
“Jace!” Alec jumped up from his bed, eyes wide while relief, horror and regret warred inside them. “What are you doing here?”
Jace’s eyes swept over him - he’d discarded his jacket at some point and was left only with a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that left the wound he’d been trying to heal for two days now visible. Jace took his stele out, no bothering to answer, and moved forward to try and help.
“I’m fine,” Alec snapped and almost flinched when Jace raised an eyebrow. It hadn’t got any better despite all the runes he’d used on it. It was so very fitting, really - he would prefer to keep insisting that there was nothing wrong with him even if it meant bleeding to death.
“I’m your parabatai, whether you like it or not,” he said, voice full of all the warmth of a winter storm. This time Alec did flinch, but didn’t pull away. “Maybe if I draw the iratze on you, it’ll work better.”
“What are you doing here?” Alec repeated, refusing to let Jace lead him away from the topic. It wasn’t until then that Jace noticed the state he was in - his hair was dishevelled and the look in his eyes frantic. “You need to get out.”
It took all of Jace’s self-control to refrain from stopping mid-rune and looking at him incredulously. “Have you finally lost your mind?” He asked not without a small dose of curiosity because really, it’d been a fairly gradual process through the last few days, but it was still a bit sudden to see Alec lose it completely.
“Is Clary with you?”
“She’s downstairs.” Realising that ‘downstairs’ didn’t mean much since he’d got in through Alec’s windows, Jace specified, “Right outside of the backyard of the Institute.”
“Get her out of here,” Alec continued. “I’m serious, Jace, get her out. Find Valentine if you can and try to capture him. If you get him to the Institute, they’ll probably clear your names.”
“Alec, what’s going on?” Jace wanted to shake him, but he didn’t think it’d go through too well, given the man’s current state. “What’s happened since we left?”
“The Clave took Izzy. She’s arrested for treason. No one can know you’re here, Jace, you need to get out.”
And suddenly, it all made sense. Jace could understand now; why Alec resembled a wild animal trapped in an incredibly small cage. Jace had seen it before in the zoos that the mundies liked so much; how the tigers paced around while the people watched them - wild, panicked and ready to strike if someone made a wrong move.
“Alec, everything’s going to be fine,” Jace started, reaching out to put a comforting hand on his parabatai’s shoulder. It didn’t matter just then that his own shoulder was still aching from where Alec had stepped on it with his boot; he couldn’t stand to see him like that. “We’ll fix this. Isabelle is going to be-”
“Nothing is going to be fine, Jace,” Alec cut him off, voice unexpectedly harsh. “I’m going to handle this, but I need you safe first.”
“Going after Valentine on my own isn’t exactly safe, is it?”
“It’s better than here.” There was an edge of pleading to Alec’s voice. “Please, Jace, go now. Lydia is going to come looking for me soon and I can’t let her find you here.”
Jace had thought that he might have the urge to gloat once he got his parabatai to come to his senses, but he didn’t have the heart to do it now; not with everything that was going on. Instead, he reached out again in an attempt to draw Alec into a hug. It was welcomed with a strange kind of reluctance - as if Alec needed the comfort but didn’t feel like he could allow it to himself.
“This is all my fault. Everyone was right; I was wrong all along.” Jace tried to protest, but was promptly ignored. “I never wanted it to go this far,” he mumbled, the words more of a vibration against Jace’s shoulder than anything else. “I just wanted us to be safe. All I wanted was to keep you all away from harm.”
“I know,” Jace soothed, wrapping an arm around his parabatai’s waist. Jace was always the one who initiated hugs - he needed the physical contact as a part of the communication with the people he loved - and Alec generally just took them, but now he collapsed under the touch like a puppet with its strings cut off.
It seemed that that was all Alec had tried to be in the last few days - a puppet for the Clave to play with; nothing but a tool for them to use. Jace vividly remembered the Alec had reacted to having his feelings mentioned - his eyes had gone completely blank and he’d started throwing him around like a feather. Jace had seen the change when he’d realised that he’d pressed a blade against his parabatai’s throat; the way he’d fallen apart as if all the energy from seconds ago had been drained from him all at once.
There would be time to talk about this later, when the threat of Valentine’s return wasn’t hanging over their heads. There would be time to talk to Alec and they’d figure it all out, but they were running out of time now. They both knew it, if Alec’s urgency to get Jace to leave was anything to go by.
“I’ve missed you,” was the only thing Jace allowed himself to say just now. Alec pulled away with a frown.
“I’m right here,” he pointed out, ever the pragmatic, and Jace couldn’t stifle the laugh that he’d been trying to hide.
“Take care of yourself,” he said. Alec nodded and tried to wiggle away from the hug, but Jace tightened his hold on him, gripping his shoulders firmly. “I mean it. I’m going to need you to get it together, okay?”
Alec nodded again, his expression hardening once again and Jace felt the same wave of helplessness that had hit him during their fight wash over him all over again. He had no idea what to do; no idea how to proceed. Alec was a soldier, and a brilliant one at that - he was clever and bright and always knew what to do, but he’d been programmed (mostly by his father, Jace knew) to follow orders to the last letter. He sought Alec’s eyes and managed to catch them, only to see them filled with the same bleak despair that had made his heart clench before.
He couldn’t exactly feel what Alec felt - the parabatai bond wasn’t quite that thorough - but he knew him better than himself. He could see every thought fighting for attention in Alec’s mind and could feel him falling apart. His trust in the Clave and their desire to do good had never been challenged before and it was clear that his entire world had been turned upside down, so Jace had to do the only thing he could think of; the only thing that could possibly help him - he had to be the one to pick up his strings. He wouldn’t try to pull them; not like everyone else had - he knew he’d have to hand them straight to Alec himself and let him deal with it however he could.
“We’re on our own now,” he stressed. ”We’ve got to figure out a plan.”
“You’re right,” Alec nodded and Jace was ridiculously relied to see his instincts kick in. The only thing Alec wanted was to protect his loved ones and even if it was frightening how far he could go to achieve that, I was still something that made him get down to business. “I’ll see what I can do from the inside. I’ll find a way-” A moment of hesitation and then he made a decision. “I’ll try to get Magnus to help me get Izzy out and I’ll get her away from the Institute.” He paused for a second, taking in Jace’s expression and the ridiculous grin he was giving him and added with a hint of indignation, “I’ll figure something out.”
“I know you will,” Jace nodded. He couldn’t explain that he wasn’t laughing at him and that he was just happy to have his parabatai back, but he hoped that the message would get through to Alec anyway. “Come here.”
Alec let himself be gathered into another hug but didn’t return it. Jace was used to that - sometimes Alec was like a star; unmovable and constant while everything else went on its way and revolved around him. And, just like a star, he lived solely on the flame that never went out inside him; on the fire that would swallow everything that surrounded it if given half the chance.
Leave it to Jace to choose a ball of fire as his only constant thing in life.
“Jace, you need to leave,” Alec reminded gently and tried to extract himself from his parabatai’s hold. “It’s not safe here.”
Jace rolled his eyes and pulled away. “Fine,” he sighed, frustration seeping into the word. “I’ll leave you to the tender mercies of your bride-to-be.”
“Don’t start.” There was the same tone to Alec’s voice as before; the ‘I’m the only sensible person in this room’ persona slipping back on. “She’s just doing her job.”
“All I’m saying is, don’t make any rash decisions,” Jace warned. “And do not get married before I get back. I have to talk to you, but now’s not the time.”
“I know what I have to do.” Despite being physically larger than him in almost any sense of the word, Alec suddenly looked smaller than ever; as if he’d disappear into the mattress of his bed without a second thought if the opportunity presented itself. “Mum and Dad-”
“-Have made their own choices and will bear the consequences they end up with,” Jace finished, trying to keep his voice even. There was no reason to alert anybody that he was in the room. “I know I’m not the one who usually says this, but please don’t do anything stupid. Or if you do, wait for me.”
“I will,” Alec nodded, but he’d started avoiding his eyes again. Jace took him in carefully; his hunched shoulders as he sat down on the edge of his bed. Without even thinking about it, he leant in and kissed the top of his head, brushing his dark curls aside. Alec grimaced and opened his mouth to speak, but closed it abruptly when someone’s steps sounded outside. “Get out!” he hissed and Jace let himself be shoved in the window’s direction. “I’ll call you when there’s anything new.”
Jace nodded and soundlessly slipped out of the window, trying to find the way he’d come in from. The gardens were heavily guarded right now, but he knew there was a way out - there always was, especially if you knew the place as well as he did. Then, as he took one last look at his home, he disappeared in the night in order to protect it.
Fandom: Shadowhunters
Pairings: Jace/Alec
Rating: T
Summary: As the Clave tightens its hold around the Institute and its habitants, Jace needs to make one last visit before leaving.
Also posted on FF.net and AO3.
Climbing through a window on the fifth floor of the Institute was admittedly not Jace’s best idea. It wasn’t the worst, either, so he wasn’t going to lose sleep over it.
What welcomed him on the other side of said window, however, wasn’t a sight he was going to forget soon.
The room was familiar - the furniture was scarce and everything was just tidy enough to be habitable. The first thing Jace saw what the desk, which seemed to be covered in even more books and documents of all sorts than usual, but then his eyes scanned the room for its habitant. And there he was: Alec was sitting on his bed, clearly awake, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. He wasn’t moving and Jace’s heart skipped a beat before he saw his parabatai turn his head to face him.
“Jace!” Alec jumped up from his bed, eyes wide while relief, horror and regret warred inside them. “What are you doing here?”
Jace’s eyes swept over him - he’d discarded his jacket at some point and was left only with a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that left the wound he’d been trying to heal for two days now visible. Jace took his stele out, no bothering to answer, and moved forward to try and help.
“I’m fine,” Alec snapped and almost flinched when Jace raised an eyebrow. It hadn’t got any better despite all the runes he’d used on it. It was so very fitting, really - he would prefer to keep insisting that there was nothing wrong with him even if it meant bleeding to death.
“I’m your parabatai, whether you like it or not,” he said, voice full of all the warmth of a winter storm. This time Alec did flinch, but didn’t pull away. “Maybe if I draw the iratze on you, it’ll work better.”
“What are you doing here?” Alec repeated, refusing to let Jace lead him away from the topic. It wasn’t until then that Jace noticed the state he was in - his hair was dishevelled and the look in his eyes frantic. “You need to get out.”
It took all of Jace’s self-control to refrain from stopping mid-rune and looking at him incredulously. “Have you finally lost your mind?” He asked not without a small dose of curiosity because really, it’d been a fairly gradual process through the last few days, but it was still a bit sudden to see Alec lose it completely.
“Is Clary with you?”
“She’s downstairs.” Realising that ‘downstairs’ didn’t mean much since he’d got in through Alec’s windows, Jace specified, “Right outside of the backyard of the Institute.”
“Get her out of here,” Alec continued. “I’m serious, Jace, get her out. Find Valentine if you can and try to capture him. If you get him to the Institute, they’ll probably clear your names.”
“Alec, what’s going on?” Jace wanted to shake him, but he didn’t think it’d go through too well, given the man’s current state. “What’s happened since we left?”
“The Clave took Izzy. She’s arrested for treason. No one can know you’re here, Jace, you need to get out.”
And suddenly, it all made sense. Jace could understand now; why Alec resembled a wild animal trapped in an incredibly small cage. Jace had seen it before in the zoos that the mundies liked so much; how the tigers paced around while the people watched them - wild, panicked and ready to strike if someone made a wrong move.
“Alec, everything’s going to be fine,” Jace started, reaching out to put a comforting hand on his parabatai’s shoulder. It didn’t matter just then that his own shoulder was still aching from where Alec had stepped on it with his boot; he couldn’t stand to see him like that. “We’ll fix this. Isabelle is going to be-”
“Nothing is going to be fine, Jace,” Alec cut him off, voice unexpectedly harsh. “I’m going to handle this, but I need you safe first.”
“Going after Valentine on my own isn’t exactly safe, is it?”
“It’s better than here.” There was an edge of pleading to Alec’s voice. “Please, Jace, go now. Lydia is going to come looking for me soon and I can’t let her find you here.”
Jace had thought that he might have the urge to gloat once he got his parabatai to come to his senses, but he didn’t have the heart to do it now; not with everything that was going on. Instead, he reached out again in an attempt to draw Alec into a hug. It was welcomed with a strange kind of reluctance - as if Alec needed the comfort but didn’t feel like he could allow it to himself.
“This is all my fault. Everyone was right; I was wrong all along.” Jace tried to protest, but was promptly ignored. “I never wanted it to go this far,” he mumbled, the words more of a vibration against Jace’s shoulder than anything else. “I just wanted us to be safe. All I wanted was to keep you all away from harm.”
“I know,” Jace soothed, wrapping an arm around his parabatai’s waist. Jace was always the one who initiated hugs - he needed the physical contact as a part of the communication with the people he loved - and Alec generally just took them, but now he collapsed under the touch like a puppet with its strings cut off.
It seemed that that was all Alec had tried to be in the last few days - a puppet for the Clave to play with; nothing but a tool for them to use. Jace vividly remembered the Alec had reacted to having his feelings mentioned - his eyes had gone completely blank and he’d started throwing him around like a feather. Jace had seen the change when he’d realised that he’d pressed a blade against his parabatai’s throat; the way he’d fallen apart as if all the energy from seconds ago had been drained from him all at once.
There would be time to talk about this later, when the threat of Valentine’s return wasn’t hanging over their heads. There would be time to talk to Alec and they’d figure it all out, but they were running out of time now. They both knew it, if Alec’s urgency to get Jace to leave was anything to go by.
“I’ve missed you,” was the only thing Jace allowed himself to say just now. Alec pulled away with a frown.
“I’m right here,” he pointed out, ever the pragmatic, and Jace couldn’t stifle the laugh that he’d been trying to hide.
“Take care of yourself,” he said. Alec nodded and tried to wiggle away from the hug, but Jace tightened his hold on him, gripping his shoulders firmly. “I mean it. I’m going to need you to get it together, okay?”
Alec nodded again, his expression hardening once again and Jace felt the same wave of helplessness that had hit him during their fight wash over him all over again. He had no idea what to do; no idea how to proceed. Alec was a soldier, and a brilliant one at that - he was clever and bright and always knew what to do, but he’d been programmed (mostly by his father, Jace knew) to follow orders to the last letter. He sought Alec’s eyes and managed to catch them, only to see them filled with the same bleak despair that had made his heart clench before.
He couldn’t exactly feel what Alec felt - the parabatai bond wasn’t quite that thorough - but he knew him better than himself. He could see every thought fighting for attention in Alec’s mind and could feel him falling apart. His trust in the Clave and their desire to do good had never been challenged before and it was clear that his entire world had been turned upside down, so Jace had to do the only thing he could think of; the only thing that could possibly help him - he had to be the one to pick up his strings. He wouldn’t try to pull them; not like everyone else had - he knew he’d have to hand them straight to Alec himself and let him deal with it however he could.
“We’re on our own now,” he stressed. ”We’ve got to figure out a plan.”
“You’re right,” Alec nodded and Jace was ridiculously relied to see his instincts kick in. The only thing Alec wanted was to protect his loved ones and even if it was frightening how far he could go to achieve that, I was still something that made him get down to business. “I’ll see what I can do from the inside. I’ll find a way-” A moment of hesitation and then he made a decision. “I’ll try to get Magnus to help me get Izzy out and I’ll get her away from the Institute.” He paused for a second, taking in Jace’s expression and the ridiculous grin he was giving him and added with a hint of indignation, “I’ll figure something out.”
“I know you will,” Jace nodded. He couldn’t explain that he wasn’t laughing at him and that he was just happy to have his parabatai back, but he hoped that the message would get through to Alec anyway. “Come here.”
Alec let himself be gathered into another hug but didn’t return it. Jace was used to that - sometimes Alec was like a star; unmovable and constant while everything else went on its way and revolved around him. And, just like a star, he lived solely on the flame that never went out inside him; on the fire that would swallow everything that surrounded it if given half the chance.
Leave it to Jace to choose a ball of fire as his only constant thing in life.
“Jace, you need to leave,” Alec reminded gently and tried to extract himself from his parabatai’s hold. “It’s not safe here.”
Jace rolled his eyes and pulled away. “Fine,” he sighed, frustration seeping into the word. “I’ll leave you to the tender mercies of your bride-to-be.”
“Don’t start.” There was the same tone to Alec’s voice as before; the ‘I’m the only sensible person in this room’ persona slipping back on. “She’s just doing her job.”
“All I’m saying is, don’t make any rash decisions,” Jace warned. “And do not get married before I get back. I have to talk to you, but now’s not the time.”
“I know what I have to do.” Despite being physically larger than him in almost any sense of the word, Alec suddenly looked smaller than ever; as if he’d disappear into the mattress of his bed without a second thought if the opportunity presented itself. “Mum and Dad-”
“-Have made their own choices and will bear the consequences they end up with,” Jace finished, trying to keep his voice even. There was no reason to alert anybody that he was in the room. “I know I’m not the one who usually says this, but please don’t do anything stupid. Or if you do, wait for me.”
“I will,” Alec nodded, but he’d started avoiding his eyes again. Jace took him in carefully; his hunched shoulders as he sat down on the edge of his bed. Without even thinking about it, he leant in and kissed the top of his head, brushing his dark curls aside. Alec grimaced and opened his mouth to speak, but closed it abruptly when someone’s steps sounded outside. “Get out!” he hissed and Jace let himself be shoved in the window’s direction. “I’ll call you when there’s anything new.”
Jace nodded and soundlessly slipped out of the window, trying to find the way he’d come in from. The gardens were heavily guarded right now, but he knew there was a way out - there always was, especially if you knew the place as well as he did. Then, as he took one last look at his home, he disappeared in the night in order to protect it.