Do Not Stand on My Grave and Cry (Jack/Ianto)
Title: Do Not Stand on My Grave and Cry
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing/Characters: Jack/Ianto, team
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Coda to Small Worlds. Ianto and Jack decide that it's time to face each other for who they truly are.
Author's Notes: I’ve been actually meaning to write this fic for quite a while, so here it goes. I hope you guys enjoy it!
Also on FF.net. AO3 won't wwork for me for some reason.
“After what happened with Jasmine, nobody is talking to me (except Ianto).”
-The Captain’s Log, ‘Small Worlds’
Jack had established a method for eavesdropping on his team without looking like it a long time ago, and he was doing it with everything he had now. He was sitting on the old sofa in the Hub and watched as his employees said their goodbyes. To one another, of course; he wasn’t at all sure he’d get a word from them in the next few days.
He was imposing under the pretence of listening through a bunch of alien CDs and had turned the volume of his headphones all the way down just in time to hear Gwen say, “...should have done something else.”
Ianto nodded pensively. “I suppose,” he said at last. “What do you suggest?”
Gwen seemed a bit taken aback. “How do you mean?”
“Well, the way I understand it, there wasn’t much else to do. It was quite literally the only solution.”
“Well, yes, but sacrificing a child...” Gwen’s voice wavered and she looked up at him, biting her lip. “Maybe you’re right. I’m just... I’m angry. I’m furious, and he was the one who...”
“He was the one who had to make the choice,” Ianto finished for her. “But there wasn’t any other, was there?”
Gwen shook her head and then gave him a small smile. “See you tomorrow, Ianto.”
She gave him a quick hug and Jack narrowed his eyes as Ianto stiffened. He’d noticed him do that with every little human contact he’d received ever since Lisa’s death. Whenever Jack touched him, even when Owen had given him a full physical upon his return. He avoided being touched altogether and it didn’t make sense. If he’d just shied away from Jack, that would have been understandable - maybe he felt guilty about everything that had happened between them and all of his lies, but Gwen?
Jack smiled to himself. His team had taken the news of Ianto’s return exactly how he’d expected them to. Tosh had tried to give him her quiet support, Gwen was seemingly trying to adopt him as her little brother and Owen was - even if he hadn’t said it outwardly - clearly wondering while the man was still alive and here. Even now, he was frowning at him over Gwen’s shoulder, looking for all the world like he wished to be somewhere else.
Ianto nodded in acknowledgment and then stared after his colleagues as they tumbled out without as much as a goodbye to Jack. “I think you can stop pretending now, Sir,” he said, making a sharp turn towards the Captain. “They’re gone now. Have you never been told that it’s rude to impose on other people’s conversations?”
“Not when I’m trying to understand an important part of the team dynamics, no.” There was no point of beating around the bush. “You didn’t like it when Gwen hugged you.”
“It’s not her, Sir,” Ianto answered primly and sat next to Jack, even though he made sure he was as far away from him as possible. “I just don’t like it when people touch me.”
“That’s interesting,” Jack commented, trying to keep his voice good-natured. “You know why?” Ianto shook his head. “Because less than two months ago, you had no trouble with being touched. And you definitely had no problem with touching others, now that I come to think of it. Just why would that be?”
“I think we both know what changed between then and now, Sir,” Ianto said sharply, but Jack wasn’t too impressed.
“No, I don’t think so. And what’s more, I think you’re the one who hasn’t realised what has changed. I have a pretty clear idea. Humour me, please.” Ianto didn’t react and Jack decided that he was free to speak. “You’re scared,” he started. “You know that she felt like this - that she couldn’t feel anything, couldn’t truly touch anyone - and you’re scared to death to let yourself be touched now because you don’t think you deserve it. You shy away from even the most basic human kindness because you can’t bear to have something she couldn’t.”
“Stop it!” Ianto snapped. “That’s not- this has nothing to do- you don’t know anything about me.”
“No,” Jack conceded. “But I want to. I want to get to know you, Ianto, and this time I want it t be for real. I want to look at you and know that there are no more lies between us.”
“I’m not entirely sure that’s possible, Jack,” Ianto said gently and Jack noted the change. Not ‘Sir’ anymore, then. A step in the right direction after hours upon hours spent at Ianto's place during his suspension. “We’ll always have to hide things from one another and no matter what I promise you, it’s going to be a lie. I know that you’re the leader and that I’m not supposed to say things like that to you of all people, but if there’s one thing I want to be honest about, it’s about my dishonesty.” Jack gave him a faint smile and Ianto returned it before looking away again.
“Okay, then,” the Captain said with a nod. “Let’s try this. I can keep coming to your place to make sure that you’re getting better, and when you’re at work, we can figure something out and I can, I don’t know, provide you anything you might need so we can speed up the progress we’ve already made, and-”
“Shut up, Jack!”
For a moment or two, Jack was left speechless. “What?” he prompted after that and there must have been something new about him; some new, unexpected expression, because Ianto couldn’t seem to stifle his smile. “Shut up for just a second,” he said, the volume much lower than it had been with the last sentence. “Do you think you can manage that?” After Jack nodded dutifully, he went on. “Good. While we’re on the topic of understanding, here’s one thing you have to know about me: I’m not ill.”
“I know you’re not,” Jack hurried to assure him. “I just thought-”
“I know,” Ianto cut him off swiftly. “I understand, and I realise that you were doing it to help me, but you’ve got to understand this, Jack. I’m not dead.”
“Believe me, that’s one of the things I’ve been understanding with an upmost intensity during the last month or so,” Jack said darkly. “I worked very hard on you not being dead.”
He hadn’t given anyone his life force with less hesitation before.
“You know that I’m alive, but you don’t see it,” Ianto pressed. “You look at me and you see a ghost of something that could have been, so if you really want this to work - if you really want us to fix what happened and carry on - you have to let this sink in. I’m alive, Jack. I’m right here. And if you’re not ready to forgive me yet, then that’s fine, but I at least want to know that I’ve still got an actual place here.”
“You do,” Jack said, not even taking the time to think. “You always will.”
It wasn’t much of a reassurance - work for Torchwood wasn’t what most people would dream to do with their lives - but it was a start and after all, a start was what both of them needed the most.
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing/Characters: Jack/Ianto, team
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Coda to Small Worlds. Ianto and Jack decide that it's time to face each other for who they truly are.
Author's Notes: I’ve been actually meaning to write this fic for quite a while, so here it goes. I hope you guys enjoy it!
Also on FF.net. AO3 won't wwork for me for some reason.
“After what happened with Jasmine, nobody is talking to me (except Ianto).”
-The Captain’s Log, ‘Small Worlds’
Jack had established a method for eavesdropping on his team without looking like it a long time ago, and he was doing it with everything he had now. He was sitting on the old sofa in the Hub and watched as his employees said their goodbyes. To one another, of course; he wasn’t at all sure he’d get a word from them in the next few days.
He was imposing under the pretence of listening through a bunch of alien CDs and had turned the volume of his headphones all the way down just in time to hear Gwen say, “...should have done something else.”
Ianto nodded pensively. “I suppose,” he said at last. “What do you suggest?”
Gwen seemed a bit taken aback. “How do you mean?”
“Well, the way I understand it, there wasn’t much else to do. It was quite literally the only solution.”
“Well, yes, but sacrificing a child...” Gwen’s voice wavered and she looked up at him, biting her lip. “Maybe you’re right. I’m just... I’m angry. I’m furious, and he was the one who...”
“He was the one who had to make the choice,” Ianto finished for her. “But there wasn’t any other, was there?”
Gwen shook her head and then gave him a small smile. “See you tomorrow, Ianto.”
She gave him a quick hug and Jack narrowed his eyes as Ianto stiffened. He’d noticed him do that with every little human contact he’d received ever since Lisa’s death. Whenever Jack touched him, even when Owen had given him a full physical upon his return. He avoided being touched altogether and it didn’t make sense. If he’d just shied away from Jack, that would have been understandable - maybe he felt guilty about everything that had happened between them and all of his lies, but Gwen?
Jack smiled to himself. His team had taken the news of Ianto’s return exactly how he’d expected them to. Tosh had tried to give him her quiet support, Gwen was seemingly trying to adopt him as her little brother and Owen was - even if he hadn’t said it outwardly - clearly wondering while the man was still alive and here. Even now, he was frowning at him over Gwen’s shoulder, looking for all the world like he wished to be somewhere else.
Ianto nodded in acknowledgment and then stared after his colleagues as they tumbled out without as much as a goodbye to Jack. “I think you can stop pretending now, Sir,” he said, making a sharp turn towards the Captain. “They’re gone now. Have you never been told that it’s rude to impose on other people’s conversations?”
“Not when I’m trying to understand an important part of the team dynamics, no.” There was no point of beating around the bush. “You didn’t like it when Gwen hugged you.”
“It’s not her, Sir,” Ianto answered primly and sat next to Jack, even though he made sure he was as far away from him as possible. “I just don’t like it when people touch me.”
“That’s interesting,” Jack commented, trying to keep his voice good-natured. “You know why?” Ianto shook his head. “Because less than two months ago, you had no trouble with being touched. And you definitely had no problem with touching others, now that I come to think of it. Just why would that be?”
“I think we both know what changed between then and now, Sir,” Ianto said sharply, but Jack wasn’t too impressed.
“No, I don’t think so. And what’s more, I think you’re the one who hasn’t realised what has changed. I have a pretty clear idea. Humour me, please.” Ianto didn’t react and Jack decided that he was free to speak. “You’re scared,” he started. “You know that she felt like this - that she couldn’t feel anything, couldn’t truly touch anyone - and you’re scared to death to let yourself be touched now because you don’t think you deserve it. You shy away from even the most basic human kindness because you can’t bear to have something she couldn’t.”
“Stop it!” Ianto snapped. “That’s not- this has nothing to do- you don’t know anything about me.”
“No,” Jack conceded. “But I want to. I want to get to know you, Ianto, and this time I want it t be for real. I want to look at you and know that there are no more lies between us.”
“I’m not entirely sure that’s possible, Jack,” Ianto said gently and Jack noted the change. Not ‘Sir’ anymore, then. A step in the right direction after hours upon hours spent at Ianto's place during his suspension. “We’ll always have to hide things from one another and no matter what I promise you, it’s going to be a lie. I know that you’re the leader and that I’m not supposed to say things like that to you of all people, but if there’s one thing I want to be honest about, it’s about my dishonesty.” Jack gave him a faint smile and Ianto returned it before looking away again.
“Okay, then,” the Captain said with a nod. “Let’s try this. I can keep coming to your place to make sure that you’re getting better, and when you’re at work, we can figure something out and I can, I don’t know, provide you anything you might need so we can speed up the progress we’ve already made, and-”
“Shut up, Jack!”
For a moment or two, Jack was left speechless. “What?” he prompted after that and there must have been something new about him; some new, unexpected expression, because Ianto couldn’t seem to stifle his smile. “Shut up for just a second,” he said, the volume much lower than it had been with the last sentence. “Do you think you can manage that?” After Jack nodded dutifully, he went on. “Good. While we’re on the topic of understanding, here’s one thing you have to know about me: I’m not ill.”
“I know you’re not,” Jack hurried to assure him. “I just thought-”
“I know,” Ianto cut him off swiftly. “I understand, and I realise that you were doing it to help me, but you’ve got to understand this, Jack. I’m not dead.”
“Believe me, that’s one of the things I’ve been understanding with an upmost intensity during the last month or so,” Jack said darkly. “I worked very hard on you not being dead.”
He hadn’t given anyone his life force with less hesitation before.
“You know that I’m alive, but you don’t see it,” Ianto pressed. “You look at me and you see a ghost of something that could have been, so if you really want this to work - if you really want us to fix what happened and carry on - you have to let this sink in. I’m alive, Jack. I’m right here. And if you’re not ready to forgive me yet, then that’s fine, but I at least want to know that I’ve still got an actual place here.”
“You do,” Jack said, not even taking the time to think. “You always will.”
It wasn’t much of a reassurance - work for Torchwood wasn’t what most people would dream to do with their lives - but it was a start and after all, a start was what both of them needed the most.