(no subject)
i have determind that i have issues... that im blonde.
i think a lot.
last night i... i dont know. last night was weird. bad... not good at all. sad...
i smoked a cigarette for the first time in 3 months... fudge it was wonderful. i asked matt if he would still date me if i smoked. he said he would date me if i had a foot growing out of my forehead. dangit... he is cute. i was sort of hoping he would say no. cause that would give me an excuse not to start back up. you would think that lung cancer, yellow teeth... smelly... those would all be good reasons wouldnt you.
but you would also think that heart failure, black outs, exhaution, bone deterioration... those things would be a good reason not to do what i do.
so much for good reasons.
i have been staring at my wrists all morning. they are small again. i mean, they didnt get any bigger, but they are smaller, so that makes then not fat anymore... yes, it makes sense.
i decided to be normal this morning. after working out i ate breakfast... a pop tart right. normal. 400 cals. for the two.. well, in order to let myself do this and not throw it up, i took double the diet pills, and double the laxatives i normally take...
so much for normal
why cant i be strong??
according to somethign that i read yesterday, there are 5 to 10 million weomen with anorexia. why is this tearing me apart. why is this effecting me so bad. i mean, you see all those models and actreses and stuff that seem to have it all together right? why does this hurt so bad... imean... i dont know. i just think i am the weakest person ever... why cant i stop if i dont wnat to do this... why do i feel sooo fat.
i think i have said this before... mr. brightside - the killers... its my ana song.
"i just cant look, its killing me... and taking control"
im so sad. ill be better when i get home. ill have a life, distractions, this complicated...
its so hard... yet, so easy
i think a lot.
last night i... i dont know. last night was weird. bad... not good at all. sad...
i smoked a cigarette for the first time in 3 months... fudge it was wonderful. i asked matt if he would still date me if i smoked. he said he would date me if i had a foot growing out of my forehead. dangit... he is cute. i was sort of hoping he would say no. cause that would give me an excuse not to start back up. you would think that lung cancer, yellow teeth... smelly... those would all be good reasons wouldnt you.
but you would also think that heart failure, black outs, exhaution, bone deterioration... those things would be a good reason not to do what i do.
so much for good reasons.
i have been staring at my wrists all morning. they are small again. i mean, they didnt get any bigger, but they are smaller, so that makes then not fat anymore... yes, it makes sense.
i decided to be normal this morning. after working out i ate breakfast... a pop tart right. normal. 400 cals. for the two.. well, in order to let myself do this and not throw it up, i took double the diet pills, and double the laxatives i normally take...
so much for normal
why cant i be strong??
according to somethign that i read yesterday, there are 5 to 10 million weomen with anorexia. why is this tearing me apart. why is this effecting me so bad. i mean, you see all those models and actreses and stuff that seem to have it all together right? why does this hurt so bad... imean... i dont know. i just think i am the weakest person ever... why cant i stop if i dont wnat to do this... why do i feel sooo fat.
i think i have said this before... mr. brightside - the killers... its my ana song.
"i just cant look, its killing me... and taking control"
im so sad. ill be better when i get home. ill have a life, distractions, this complicated...
its so hard... yet, so easy