Den-o fic: My Skies of Blue Gone Down the Drain
Title: My Skies of Blue Gone Down the Drain
Fandom: Kamen Rider Den-O
Character: Yuto, Ryutaro, Deneb, Hana
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters belong to TOEI, this fic is written purely for fun and no profit is made. The title is taken from Rescues’s Can’t Stand the Rain.
Warning: spoilers for the entire series, just to be safe.
Summary: The first time Yuto meets his future self, he laughs in his face and tells him, “try better next time, mister.”
.
.
.
“I hate you!” Yuto shouts, “I hate you, and I hope you die a horrible death where you’d blow up into thousand pieces and scatter across the sky and-and become an eyesore for everybody!”
It sounds strangely like a prayer.
*
The first time Yuto meets his future self, he laughs in his face and tells him, “try better next time, mister.”
*
The second time Yuto meets his future self, he goes within distance of a police officer and shouts sekuhara and stalker, calling the attention of the onlookers until his future self flees in panic as the police gives chase.
*
Deneb comes as a surprise.
The third time Yuto meets his future self, he-
He remembers himself as a kid, always fascinated by the masked man shown on TV once every Sunday. At a time where Ninja and Samurai was still such a novelty and masked vigilantes roaming through the streets was the trend, he once imagined what would happen if you married the three ideas, and put it on a drawing he gave to his school teacher.
Deneb is how his drawing would look, given a life.
The way his *supposedly* future self presents the Imagin forward, wielding him like an ultimate weapon, screams he knows perfectly what he’s doing, and what effect it would have on Yuto. this is it; this is the dealbreaker.
How could he keep denying it all when presented with the thing only him know?
Yuto takes one look at Deneb and then ZeroLiner just beyond him and then his future self, working himself up into a state, all the while thinking This is unfair.
A flicker on his future self’s eyes. When is it ever not?
(Don’t you know? You can never hate somebody as much as you hate yourself.)
*
“I don’t trust you.” Yuto says, glaring at Deneb.
For a second, Deneb doesn’t react. For a second, he makes an odd abortive gesture, like he’s about to bow but stops himself at the last second. For a second, his head tilts down, seemingly intent on studying his nervous looking fingers.
“I understand.” Deneb finally says. Accepting, but not weary. Like he has never expected nothing less. Like he thinks he deserves it.
Yuto wants to strangle him.
“No you don’t!” Yuto shouts. He’s done being polite. He’s done trying to rationalize everything, when everything refuses to make even the slightest sense. He’s angry and sad and furious and desperate and he hates everything. “How could you?!” When I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing? Yuto doesn’t add.
Deneb glances at him hesitantly. “Yuto…”
“You know why he left you here?! No, he didn’t leave you here, with me, because I need a nanny, or. Or because I need supervision, no; no, he left you because he knew he couldn’t trust you *not* to ruin his plans! So tell me god, if my future self couldn’t trust you, then why should I?!” his own breaths sound so loud, harsh, in the resulting silence.
One thought comes unbidden: do Imagins even breathe?
“I-Yuto. I. I mean. I know. It’s your choice-you don’t need to trust me if you did not wish to.” The way Deneb sounds and looks, calm and a little sad and more than a little dejected, makes Yuto feels like he has kicked a puppy. “But I already have my orders, and I could only wish you would let me follow my orders.”
It’s such an open statement, fair to all kinds of implication, that Yuto nearly asks, and what were your orders?
But he bites his tongue and lets his imagination takes over, for he doesn’t think he could handle it if the answer turned out to be not something he wished for.
(He never says he’s not a coward.)
*
With ZeroLiner, he had unlimited access to Time; past, present, future-it doesn’t matter. So long as he keeps using the cards sparingly, it should never matter. The point is, he has unlimited access to the structure of Time itself, and he could go anywhere he wishes. And yet-and yet, he keeps visiting the exact same era, his future, when all but a few people never even remembered he had ever existed.
The first time he visits *this* era, he’s only trying to prove a point. Tries to find whether his future self is really what he says he is, or just some genius scammer with stalkerish tendency.
…he really needs to be more careful about what he wishes for, because-because.
“Who are you?” his parents say, the first time.
“Do I know you?” his bestfriend says, squinting his eyes, a tentative smile on his lips. Lucky second time.
“Have we ever met before?” his ex-girlfriend says, eyes genuinely curious. Third time’s the charm and all that.
He tries tracking down the people he knows in his time, only to find them uttering variations of those three questions at him in this era, not even a single flicker of recognition in their eyes. He goes as far as writing down the names of those who could recall just who Sakurai Yuto is, and then tracking them down one by one after he uses Zeronos cards, neatly crossing over the names of those who couldn’t remember him anymore.
The list keeps getting shorter every time.
And yet still he keeps doing it.
(He never realizes he’s such a masochist.)
*
“I have a fiancée.” His future self says. “But she’s lost to me as I am to her.”
“Really.” Yuto says.
“Yes, really.” A small little smile, bordering on painful.
Yuto looks at the miserable look his future self is sporting, at the cracks his future self doesn’t bother to conceal. For once, his future self actually feels real.
Just for that glimpse of weakness, Yuto allows him his privacy, and he never brings it up again.
(he promises himself not to fall so deeply for anyone; he promises himself not to ever let what happened to his future self happens to him; he promises himself not to feel.)
*
Once, Nogami falls over after eating a slice of Naomi’s colorful experimental cake, and for whatever reasons, Yuto gets stuck babysitting him. Not that Nogami actually needs babysitting, since all he does is sleeping and waking up only to mumble something incoherently before falling asleep again. Everybody knows Nogami’s not exactly in his right mind at the time, but-
But.
“I wish-“ Nogami slurs, his eyes trying and failing to focus on Yuto, “I wish things were different.”
Yuto snorts. “Don’t we all.”
Nogami flails, limbs thrown every which way, as if he was having a spasm. More than a little freaked out, Yuto tries to restrain him before he hurts himself; tries to catch his wrists, except that only results in more flailing and tussling, and so Yuto just presses down Nogami’s shoulders to the bed instead.
“Nogami, calm-down!” Yuto’s so going to kill Naomi. Of all the people (or Imagins) she could feed her experimental cake, of course she had to choose the guy with the track record of being unlucky more than a mile long.
Naomi didn’t mean it. Probably. Definitely. The fact remains that Yuto’s the one risking his life trying to keep Nogami calm while Deneb and the rest of those fuckers are safely tucked away in the DenLiner, saying they are gonna find the cure or whatever when in truth they’re probably just lazing around in the train compartment, laughing at his predicament.
Yuto’s not feeling very charitable at the moment; he might as well imagine the rest of Nogami’s merry band of fools engaging in some evil scandalous act, so that he would feel totally justified when he tries to murder them later.
Then one of Nogami’s hand finds Yuto’s arm, closing in on it, fingers sliding down slowly, very slowly, like a kid trying to find his way in the dark, like a caress, before it gets to Yuto’s wrist and holds on.
Yuto shivers.
“I wish,” Nogami says, slurring, though not as bad as the first time, “I just wish you were not the same person as Sakurai-san. I don’t want you to be the same person as Sakurai-san, because. Because then. You’ll be-”
Something heartbreaking in Nogami’s tone, his voice, his fucking earnest face and those Bambi eyes, and Yuto just-
He doesn’t think he means to hear it.
“Nogami,” Yuto says, uncomfortable; tries to wrench his wrist free, but not knowing how to do it without unbalancing Nogami. “Nogami.”
“-untouchable.” Nogami finishes. Then he refocuses his attention to Yuto, all of that earnest, fierce intensity doubling in on him and Yuto feels like running away; feels like disappearing, hiding away where those too earnest eyes would not be able to find him.
Nogami reaches out, pressing his palm against Yuto’s cheek, soft and sweaty and all Nogami. “Please stay Yuto,” Nogami whispers. “Just-just stay as you are-just keep being Yuto. Please.”
But all Yuto could think is Airi’s hand, hovering, ghosting over his cheek but never quite touching, longing in her eyes, hope and uncertainty in every line of her body.
Much like the way Nogami looks at him right now.
He jerks back, startled; he watches as Nogami’s hand falls away, as a slight frown taking residence between his brows, as his eyes keeps on staring at him with that eerie stare. He watches, transfixed, as Nogami’s lips move, forming a word: Yuto.
Yuto can’t breathe.
Whereas Airi’s eyes had wavered, hesitating, trying to recognize Sakurai Yuto only to find Yuto instead, just Yuto, Yuto who has yet matured into Sakurai Yuto (and may never will), Nogami’s eyes say Yuto, Yuto, and only Yuto.
After traipsing through life uncaring, expecting people to treat him like a ghost because of the effects of his Zeronos cards, it always comes as a wonder when somebody notices him for what he really is. It’s such a heady thing, this feeling, creeping up on him and surprising him in the most unexpected way. He just-
Yuto can’t cope with it.
So he flees.
(He’s terrified he’s only imagining it. He’s terrified he’s not only imagining it. He’s too terrified to find out.)
*
“Yuto, Yuto,” Deneb is saying, “Hana is calling for you. Do you wish to take her call?”
Yuto spends a few seconds blinking stupidly at Deneb, wondering how the hell Hana even managed to reach him, when he’s not even in the same Time Era as her when he realizes oh right, he’s inside ZeroLiner, and of course the Time Train would have ways of communicating with other Time Trains, including DenLiner.
“Tell her I’m sick and therefore unable to come to the phone right now.” Yuto says urgently, pleading with his eyes at Deneb.
“Er,” Deneb says, at the same time a voice booms out of the receiver, “I’ve always known you’re a sick kid, you brat, but not like it’s ever stopped you before! So be a man for once and face me now!” Momotaros. So it appears he’s on speaker, then.
Yuto glares at Deneb. Deneb just keeps avoiding his eyes while simultaneously holding the phone to him.
“I’m sorry, the number you’re calling can’t be reached. Please call again later. Preferably never. Bye.” He’s about to push the disconnect button when suddenly Deneb puts the phone high above his head, safely out of Yuto’s reach.
Yuto glares harder at him.
But Deneb just shakes his head, and now it’s him giving Yuto pleading looks.
“Lookie here, you bastard!” Momotaros shouts, no volume control whatsoever, “if it wasn’t for Ryotaro, I wouldn’t even-“
“Yeah? And if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have my nap interrupted! Stupid!” he doesn’t even try to edit out that last bit; it’s not like he has a reputation to uphold, anyway. “Stupid!” he says again, because he’s truly a brat at heart.
Except the voice answering him is not Momotaros’.
“…Yuto?”
Yuto’s mouth shuts. He knows that voice; that voice, whose owner always talks in low, hesitant voice, almost a stutter. He knows that voice. He doesn’t want to know that voice.
“What?” he grits out.
“Yuto.” Nogami breathes out, sounds like he’s relieved, and it totally messes with Yuto’s mind.
“What do you want?” he sounds tired. Why does he sound tired?
“The last time-you were gone. I mean, so suddenly. I’ve wondered why.” Nogami says quietly. “I’m-I want to apologize.”
Yuto chokes down on the laughter suddenly bubbling up inside him. “…whatever for?” Oh god, they’re gonna talk about it.
A pause. A too long pause, in which Yuto’s mind readily supplies him with an image of Nogami shuffling his feet nervously, trying to gather his courage for whatever it’s he’s about to say.
“That last time,” Nogami says, and it must be something serious, for Yuto *feels* the hesitance pouring off of Nogami, despite them being not even in the same time space, let alone in the same room. “I feel like I’ve offended you. Unintentionally. So I apologize for that.”
Oh god, they’re really gonna talk about it.
“No,” Yuto says, suddenly aware they’re both not alone, that they have audience, that the phones are on speakers, and he couldn’t decide whether that was a relief or a burden. “No, it’s not. You. It’s. It’s me. So let’s just forget that.”
Words passing through his mouth, forgetting he has a brain to filter them with, and by the time he realizes he sounds like he’s shooting a particularly cheesy break-up scene, it’s too late to take it back.
A near silence on the other end, and Yuto could only wishes for the earth to swallow him up completely.
“Ah,” Nogami says, laughing nervously. “I don’t… I mean, I. Yuto-“
Then it hits him: Nogami doesn’t remember. He’s too out of it to ever recall what happened, and his Imagins couldn’t tell him since they weren’t at his head at the time. This isn’t a matter of Nogami apologizing; it’s a matter of Nogami finding out what happened.
“It doesn’t matter.” He forces out. It shouldn’t matter. He steps on Deneb’s foot, making the Imagin cries out, at the same time dropping the phone-which Yuto catches swiftly. “Oh look! Dark tunnel! Bad receiving, you know how it is with phones and tunnels! Bye!”
Deneb only looks at him in disapproval. “Yuto, it’s not okay to lie. You shouldn’t lie to your friends, you would only-“
He smoothly turns Deneb’s voice out, closing his eyes.
*
But even after he cuts the connection, he feels like he could still hear Nogami’s voice, saying that one little word. A name. His name. Yuto.
He really, really can’t deal with it.
*
After the whole thing with Kai resolves itself, he takes it to himself to see Airi at the hospital. Just to see how she’s holding up. You know, as a friend. Since he’s officially sort-of Nogami’s friend right now. It’s-it’s only polite, right, to pay a visit when your friend’s sister is hospitalized?
He tells himself he’s here as Nogami’s friend. He tells himself he’s not here to find a closure.
(He’s always been good at deluding himself.)
“It’s over, now.” Airi says.
She’s looking over the window, hands clasped over her lap, messy long hair tied loosely over her back, shoulders hunched slightly forward, head turned away from him. She looks tired and beautiful and human, and all he wants is to put a blanket around her and keep her warm and nice and comfortable, all the while whispering how he wouldn’t let anything bad get to her, that he would keep her safe.
He could see himself with her, he thinks. He could see himself fall for her; could see himself turning the world upside down if only she wished for it.
The point being *he* could see it.
He’s just not sure she could, too.
“It’s over.” Airi says, soft and low and quiet, nearly a whisper. Her fingers move; just a little twitch as she flexes her fingers again and again, as if testing her own hand coordination. Such a simple gesture, and still his eyes track the movement all the same. After all, it’s preferable than to look at the pain and sorrow frozen on her reflection by the window glass. It’s-much preferable. “It really is over.”
Yuto bites his tongue, trying to keep his emotion from bleeding into his voice. “I know.”
Nothing changes; yet everything is different.
Even now, she’s mourning still; only difference? She knows it too.
Look at me, he wants to shout. Look at me; I’m here, I’m here still.
Except he knows, even if she could force herself to look at him, all she would see is the things that could have been, the symbol to everything she has lost, and that is just-
Fucked up.
“It’s over, now.” She says again. A finality in the way she says it, in the way her voice sounds, so strong and sure and nothing like the pain she doesn’t let him see on her face.
This is it; this is her answer to the question he never asks, and he just. He doesn’t know why he expects it to turn out differently.
“I understand.” Yuto says, because he does. “And I’m sorry.”
His hands are fisted on his side; he tries to uncurl them, a finger by a finger, all the while using the moment to etch her feature into memory-all the dreams she wouldn’t let herself hope for, all the words she wouldn’t say, all the tears she wouldn’t shed.
He forces his legs moving, one measured step by one measured step, until he could hear her door closes behind him with a soft click.
Pressing the heels of his hands over his eyes, he sighs, allowing a pained sound escaping his lips.
Something inside her is breaking still, and he can’t, for the life of him, fix it; not when he knows the wound has Sakurai Yuto written all over it.
A movement in his peripheral vision; he turns. Sees Nogami standing in the corridor, a deer in a headlight look on his face, before it gives way to a determined (conflicted?) look instead.
Yuto sneers.
Nogami flinches.
Without wasting another second, he passes him by, his steps sure and steady, head held high. One moment of weakness is already one too many to last him lifetime. He never looks back.
Nogami doesn’t call for him.
*
(He sneers because it’s ugly and petty and because he can’t bear to see the pitying look upon Nogami’s face.
He sneers because he can’t afford to crumble-not right now.
He sneers because-
It’s all he could do to not break and cry.)
*
Once upon a time, long before he meets Nogami and Deneb is out on an errand, Yuto goes on adventure. It’s called ‘Let’s Remember Sakurai Yuto!’
He’s young and his experience on ZeroLiner and Zeronos is greener still, therefore he’s allowed a little naivety: thinking that so long enough people remember him, he wouldn’t run the risk of disappearing in time.
So there he is, attending gatherings, drawing crowds, charming people with his sweet personality. He goes on dates, plays games, all in the name of making memories. Except-
Except he’s wrong. The memories-they do not work like that.
He checks up on those acquaintances, later. In the future. And they’re-
There’s a gaping hole in their memories, in the shape of him. Those memories he makes with them? They do not fade-like how normal people naturally forget things; they’re erased instead, leaving an emptiness in their minds, something they know should mean something, but could never understand what.
A girl even goes as far as being hospitalized in a mental hospital, all because her meticulous mind couldn’t cope with the void in her memory; the void that stands empty but obvious, and feels just as real-according to her.
“I know it’s real.” She tells Yuto. “I know it sounds crazy, but I swear it’s real. It certainly feels important, you know? And I don’t want to forget something important. I believe-I believe if I could reach far enough, I might finally find it.” She looks at Yuto. Smiles at him. “Isn’t that why you’re here? Because you know what it’s like?”
But he’s not; he’s here because he feels guilty. She’s here because of him, and he can’t just-leave her.
“Of course.” He tells her, voice strained. “Of course.”
The next week he comes back only to find her bleeding to her death after jumping from the rooftop of the hospital.
“I guess I’m just not strong enough,” she says between her dying breaths, smiling up at him. “I’m sorry.”
No, Yuto wants to say, tears strolling down his face, No, *I’m* sorry. Oh god I’m so sorry.
(he never forgets his first death-not when it’s only the first of many.)
*
“Did you know it was going to happen, huh?” Yuto nearly screams, hands grasping his future self’s collars, body taut in a preparation for a fight. “You knew, didn’t you?! And still you let me do it, still you let me destroy their lives!”
“But I didn’t,” his future self says quietly. “I’m learning this as I go, just like you.”
“You liar!” Yuto screams, shaking the other man. The worse thing is that-the worse thing is that he knows his future self doesn’t lie; he knows himself enough to recognize the tells when he’s lying, and his future self shows nothing but a slight surprise at the news, at what Yuto’s trying to do.
“At least now we know one thing for sure.” His future self says. “You’re not me. Our timeline has no longer connected.”
(Yuto doesn’t bother to pull his punches when he hits him.)
*
Hana seeks him out, afterward. After Kai, after Airi, after DenLiner is restored, after the whole things has calmed down some. Going so far as tracking Zeronos and trapping it in place by using KingLiner. (How she even manages to convince both the DenLiner owner and the Station Master to scurry to her request, he’s a little afraid to imagine.)
“Till the end, you’re really just a coward, aren’t you?” Hana hisses.
She’s a spitfire in the form of a tiny little girl, and he couldn’t decide whether he should be disturbed or proud of it-considering she’s supposed to be *his* future little daughter and all.
Wait, does that timeline even still exist?
“I never say anything to the contrary.” Yuto scowls at her from where he sits on his chair at the diner compartment, definitely not sulking.
“There are some things,” Hana begins, eyes hard. Her expression is a mixture of a pinched look and a pissed off look combined with disbelief. It’s a funny look on her. “--that I need to discuss with you.”
Yuto snorts. “Yeah right. How about no?”
Her eyes narrow. “You owe an explanation!”
“I owe me an explanation!” Yuto explodes. “But did I ever give it, even a little? No! Here’s the list of things you need to do, Yuto. Don’t concern yourself with the reasons, Yuto. You would understand someday, Yuto. And then after everything, I just decide to disappear forever in a shiny light of heroic proportion-all the while without ever explaining why!”
Silence, silence, silence.
She-it’s not her fault; she doesn’t deserve this-she doesn’t deserve his anger.
He fists his knuckles, trying to regain back his cool-or whatever left of it.
Hana stares. “Is that even supposed to make any sense?”
“Obviously not, according to your expression.” Yuto scoffs. He looks out the windowglass; barren land, as far as the eyes can see. He wonders how many Imagins are outside, hidden within the very sand of Time, waiting for the right moment to offer a bargain in exchange for a chance to change back the time.
“Look, I-“ she sighs, “I think we’ve been going about this the wrong way.”
Yuto snorts. “You think?”
She glares at him. “I’m trying, here.”
He stares at her. Sees the effort she makes to get herself under control. Notices the determined look in her eyes, the faint lines of her profile; he could make out the slight resemblance to Airi, he thinks. If only he bothers to look. Or knows what to look for.
If only-
He sighs. Rubs his hands over his face. “I can’t give you what you want.” He tells her. She looks up sharply at his words. “I’m not the one you’re looking for.” I’m not *him*. A wry smile. “You, of all people, should’ve known that.”
She’s staring at him still, a myriad of emotions in her eyes.
A ten-year-old has no right to look that weary, he thinks. Like the whole world just suddenly comes crushing down to the ground.
“I know that. After Airi-” she stops. “I mean, the only one left who-” she bites her lower lip. “I just can’t.” She says brokenly.
Of course. How does it feel, he wonders, to find out that the reason you don’t belong to any timeline, any world, is that because your parents made it so? That they would go so far as to destroy your world, erasing your existence from everybody’s memory (including their own), to keep you alive?
They’re kinda the same, Yuto thinks, him and Hana. The only difference? He had had an advance warning about people forgetting him, while Hana hadn’t.
Such a pair they make.
Her parents probably never counted on her to be forever lost in Time, though, with nowhere to go back to.
“You look ten right now, you know.” He says quietly. “None would fault you for showing your sadness.”
A giggle escapes her lips, unbidden, despite the miserable look she’s still supporting. “I do have that, don’t I?”
“A second adolescent phase, with all the problems that comes with it.” He agrees. “At least you’re not alone now.”
A moment of stillness, as she looks at him, as she no doubt catches the slight hitch on his voice in the last sentence. “Yuto-“
“And that,” Yuto says, cutting her off, raising to his feet, “is my cue to leave. Do tell the Station Master to release ZeroLiner, will you? Unlike you slackers in DenLiner, ZeroLiner does have a schedule to stick to.”
“Yuto,” Hana calls, just as he ‘s about to step out the door. He pauses, because he wants closure as much as she does, and there might be hope if he complies to it now, she would never bring out the fact that she’s his-no, not his, per se, but his future self’s daughter-again.
…And that-is the line of thought he’s been avoiding to have. (He swears he wouldn’t want kids for the rest of his life.)
“Yuto,” she says, “You know you’re not alone, right?” she hesitates. “We’re also your friends, you know. You do know that, right?”
Wow. She actually sounds concerned. For him.
He flashes her a smile. “Of course.”
The door slides close behind him.
(it wouldn’t be the first time he lies.)
*
One thing that is painfully clear (but he wouldn’t realize until much later) from the after effect of using Zeronos’ cards is that people would end up not remembering him. As in, people. Would end up. Not. Remembering. Everything about him. Everything.
He could be nice and sweet and cruel and mischievous and polite and obnoxious and none-none, would ever remember.
It’s overwhelmingly scary and exciting and terrifying at the same time; it’s freeing, knowing he could do anything, and there would be no consequence. On the other hand, it’s also frightening, since he leaves no footprint whatsoever of his existence, and once his Zeronos card deck is empty, he’s as good as dead-only worse, since there would be no trace whatsoever of it.
It’s-quite depressing, in the end.
“But I would always remember Yuto,” Deneb says, when in one drunken stupor, Yuto slurs everything at him. “Yuto doesn’t need to worry about such thing, because I will never forget. Imagins work memories differently than humans, and we are not ones to easily forget.”
Yuto might have cried, hearing that. But-
“You’re lying,” Yuto says. “You’re here only because that inconsiderate asshole from the future who called himself Sakurai Yuto asked you to.”
“So he did.” Deneb says, quiet, quiet, quiet. “But he never asked me to care for Yuto. And I do-care for Yuto.”
Liar liar liar pants on fire- “Don’t make me laugh,” Yuto says, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “You’re just an Imagin; you’ll be gone once you finished your orders.”
Deneb hesitates, face slightly looking away. “I could stay.” Deneb says. Then, once more, in a firmer voice, “I could stay. As long as Yuto would allow me to.”
Yuto smiles. “You say the sweetest things.” He mumbles, letting sleep take over.
He thinks he sees Deneb’s expression fall apart for a second as he looks at Yuto, as he drapes a makeshift blanket over Yuto’s body, his voice murmuring the softest, Yuto-
But considering Deneb’s face is nothing more than a metal plate with decorative laser eyes, he chalks it up to a dream and forgets about it.
(-I’ll always be there for you. Always. I promise.)
*
The thing about Yuto is that-he never actually expects to be alive by the end of it all.
The way his future self presented the idea to him, Come save the future-with *our* memories and existences as its price. certainly never implies to him that he would actually come out of it alive.
And if none’s gonna remember him in the end, he might as well go all out and be as selfish as he could be, in all the ways he’s allowed to be.
He earns it, dammit.
So he bullies Deneb around and kicks him and shouts at him constantly, while he looks down on other people and pretends the rest of the world doesn’t exist.
(He considers kicking puppies as a hobby, as any evil heartless man would, except he had tried it once and the puppy had looked at him with tearful eyes and cried pitifully, making him feel like the most pathetic, biggest jerk in the world, until he ended up nursing it back to health before giving it away to an animal shelter-to Deneb’s eternal protest.
Having a puppy for a pet would do you good, Yuto.
Shut up, Deneb. If I already have you, why would I want a puppy?)
(He ends up being alive-just another reason to hate his future self by.
No, he can’t spare some sympathy for himself; he’s done wallowing in self-pity-both him, and his future self. He’s just done.)
*
Sometimes, when Denliner happens upon Zeroliner for a case, he catches Nogami looking at him, an indescribable look in his eyes.
The old Nogami would look away once Yuto caught him staring, stuttering one excuse or another. But this Nogami-
He just keeps looking at Yuto, eyes never wavering, like he’s entitled to it. It seriously unsettles him, and he finds himself looking away more often than not; or just flats out refusing to acknowledge the fact he could feel somebody’s eyes on him.
He’s not the only one who notices.
“Maybe it’s time you stop running away and try to settle down.” Hana says, standing close, but never quite touching. Yuto doesn’t miss the way her eyes flicker to Ryotaro for a second. “It might end in tears. It might end in laughter. The point is, we don’t know. And it’s totally worth a shot, don’t you think?”
“What is this, parents counseling?” Yuto snaps. “You do realize I’m not actually your father, right? That ship has long since lost its timeline.”
She smacks him upside the head. “And how I’m grateful for that.” She says cheerfully. And then gently, she puts a hand on his forearm, voice lowering into a soft whisper, “Eventually, you’re gonna have to start trusting people again, Yuto.” Then she smiles and pulls away, giving a nod to Ryotaro’s direction in a not so subtle movement.
Yuto stares at her.
(He thinks he likes her better when she’s all annoyed with him.)
*
He might say everything contrary to Hana, just to annoy her, just to prove her he’s right, but. But the truth is-
But the truth is.
Ryotaro looks at him and just keeps looking at him while he pretends he doesn’t notice.
The truth is, once Ryotaro’s attention is elsewhere, Yuto looks at him and remembers his words and wishes he never looks away.
The truth is Yuto has longed for it and yearns for it but he never forgets how life keeps disappointing him again and again, and he just-he’s too scared to take that chance.
The truth is, Yuto looks at Ryotaro and Yuto-
Yuto wants.
*
(Soon, then. Soon.)
.
.
.
end
This entry was crossposted at http://mi-key.dreamwidth.org/52215.html.
Fandom: Kamen Rider Den-O
Character: Yuto, Ryutaro, Deneb, Hana
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters belong to TOEI, this fic is written purely for fun and no profit is made. The title is taken from Rescues’s Can’t Stand the Rain.
Warning: spoilers for the entire series, just to be safe.
Summary: The first time Yuto meets his future self, he laughs in his face and tells him, “try better next time, mister.”
.
.
.
“I hate you!” Yuto shouts, “I hate you, and I hope you die a horrible death where you’d blow up into thousand pieces and scatter across the sky and-and become an eyesore for everybody!”
It sounds strangely like a prayer.
*
The first time Yuto meets his future self, he laughs in his face and tells him, “try better next time, mister.”
*
The second time Yuto meets his future self, he goes within distance of a police officer and shouts sekuhara and stalker, calling the attention of the onlookers until his future self flees in panic as the police gives chase.
*
Deneb comes as a surprise.
The third time Yuto meets his future self, he-
He remembers himself as a kid, always fascinated by the masked man shown on TV once every Sunday. At a time where Ninja and Samurai was still such a novelty and masked vigilantes roaming through the streets was the trend, he once imagined what would happen if you married the three ideas, and put it on a drawing he gave to his school teacher.
Deneb is how his drawing would look, given a life.
The way his *supposedly* future self presents the Imagin forward, wielding him like an ultimate weapon, screams he knows perfectly what he’s doing, and what effect it would have on Yuto. this is it; this is the dealbreaker.
How could he keep denying it all when presented with the thing only him know?
Yuto takes one look at Deneb and then ZeroLiner just beyond him and then his future self, working himself up into a state, all the while thinking This is unfair.
A flicker on his future self’s eyes. When is it ever not?
(Don’t you know? You can never hate somebody as much as you hate yourself.)
*
“I don’t trust you.” Yuto says, glaring at Deneb.
For a second, Deneb doesn’t react. For a second, he makes an odd abortive gesture, like he’s about to bow but stops himself at the last second. For a second, his head tilts down, seemingly intent on studying his nervous looking fingers.
“I understand.” Deneb finally says. Accepting, but not weary. Like he has never expected nothing less. Like he thinks he deserves it.
Yuto wants to strangle him.
“No you don’t!” Yuto shouts. He’s done being polite. He’s done trying to rationalize everything, when everything refuses to make even the slightest sense. He’s angry and sad and furious and desperate and he hates everything. “How could you?!” When I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing? Yuto doesn’t add.
Deneb glances at him hesitantly. “Yuto…”
“You know why he left you here?! No, he didn’t leave you here, with me, because I need a nanny, or. Or because I need supervision, no; no, he left you because he knew he couldn’t trust you *not* to ruin his plans! So tell me god, if my future self couldn’t trust you, then why should I?!” his own breaths sound so loud, harsh, in the resulting silence.
One thought comes unbidden: do Imagins even breathe?
“I-Yuto. I. I mean. I know. It’s your choice-you don’t need to trust me if you did not wish to.” The way Deneb sounds and looks, calm and a little sad and more than a little dejected, makes Yuto feels like he has kicked a puppy. “But I already have my orders, and I could only wish you would let me follow my orders.”
It’s such an open statement, fair to all kinds of implication, that Yuto nearly asks, and what were your orders?
But he bites his tongue and lets his imagination takes over, for he doesn’t think he could handle it if the answer turned out to be not something he wished for.
(He never says he’s not a coward.)
*
With ZeroLiner, he had unlimited access to Time; past, present, future-it doesn’t matter. So long as he keeps using the cards sparingly, it should never matter. The point is, he has unlimited access to the structure of Time itself, and he could go anywhere he wishes. And yet-and yet, he keeps visiting the exact same era, his future, when all but a few people never even remembered he had ever existed.
The first time he visits *this* era, he’s only trying to prove a point. Tries to find whether his future self is really what he says he is, or just some genius scammer with stalkerish tendency.
…he really needs to be more careful about what he wishes for, because-because.
“Who are you?” his parents say, the first time.
“Do I know you?” his bestfriend says, squinting his eyes, a tentative smile on his lips. Lucky second time.
“Have we ever met before?” his ex-girlfriend says, eyes genuinely curious. Third time’s the charm and all that.
He tries tracking down the people he knows in his time, only to find them uttering variations of those three questions at him in this era, not even a single flicker of recognition in their eyes. He goes as far as writing down the names of those who could recall just who Sakurai Yuto is, and then tracking them down one by one after he uses Zeronos cards, neatly crossing over the names of those who couldn’t remember him anymore.
The list keeps getting shorter every time.
And yet still he keeps doing it.
(He never realizes he’s such a masochist.)
*
“I have a fiancée.” His future self says. “But she’s lost to me as I am to her.”
“Really.” Yuto says.
“Yes, really.” A small little smile, bordering on painful.
Yuto looks at the miserable look his future self is sporting, at the cracks his future self doesn’t bother to conceal. For once, his future self actually feels real.
Just for that glimpse of weakness, Yuto allows him his privacy, and he never brings it up again.
(he promises himself not to fall so deeply for anyone; he promises himself not to ever let what happened to his future self happens to him; he promises himself not to feel.)
*
Once, Nogami falls over after eating a slice of Naomi’s colorful experimental cake, and for whatever reasons, Yuto gets stuck babysitting him. Not that Nogami actually needs babysitting, since all he does is sleeping and waking up only to mumble something incoherently before falling asleep again. Everybody knows Nogami’s not exactly in his right mind at the time, but-
But.
“I wish-“ Nogami slurs, his eyes trying and failing to focus on Yuto, “I wish things were different.”
Yuto snorts. “Don’t we all.”
Nogami flails, limbs thrown every which way, as if he was having a spasm. More than a little freaked out, Yuto tries to restrain him before he hurts himself; tries to catch his wrists, except that only results in more flailing and tussling, and so Yuto just presses down Nogami’s shoulders to the bed instead.
“Nogami, calm-down!” Yuto’s so going to kill Naomi. Of all the people (or Imagins) she could feed her experimental cake, of course she had to choose the guy with the track record of being unlucky more than a mile long.
Naomi didn’t mean it. Probably. Definitely. The fact remains that Yuto’s the one risking his life trying to keep Nogami calm while Deneb and the rest of those fuckers are safely tucked away in the DenLiner, saying they are gonna find the cure or whatever when in truth they’re probably just lazing around in the train compartment, laughing at his predicament.
Yuto’s not feeling very charitable at the moment; he might as well imagine the rest of Nogami’s merry band of fools engaging in some evil scandalous act, so that he would feel totally justified when he tries to murder them later.
Then one of Nogami’s hand finds Yuto’s arm, closing in on it, fingers sliding down slowly, very slowly, like a kid trying to find his way in the dark, like a caress, before it gets to Yuto’s wrist and holds on.
Yuto shivers.
“I wish,” Nogami says, slurring, though not as bad as the first time, “I just wish you were not the same person as Sakurai-san. I don’t want you to be the same person as Sakurai-san, because. Because then. You’ll be-”
Something heartbreaking in Nogami’s tone, his voice, his fucking earnest face and those Bambi eyes, and Yuto just-
He doesn’t think he means to hear it.
“Nogami,” Yuto says, uncomfortable; tries to wrench his wrist free, but not knowing how to do it without unbalancing Nogami. “Nogami.”
“-untouchable.” Nogami finishes. Then he refocuses his attention to Yuto, all of that earnest, fierce intensity doubling in on him and Yuto feels like running away; feels like disappearing, hiding away where those too earnest eyes would not be able to find him.
Nogami reaches out, pressing his palm against Yuto’s cheek, soft and sweaty and all Nogami. “Please stay Yuto,” Nogami whispers. “Just-just stay as you are-just keep being Yuto. Please.”
But all Yuto could think is Airi’s hand, hovering, ghosting over his cheek but never quite touching, longing in her eyes, hope and uncertainty in every line of her body.
Much like the way Nogami looks at him right now.
He jerks back, startled; he watches as Nogami’s hand falls away, as a slight frown taking residence between his brows, as his eyes keeps on staring at him with that eerie stare. He watches, transfixed, as Nogami’s lips move, forming a word: Yuto.
Yuto can’t breathe.
Whereas Airi’s eyes had wavered, hesitating, trying to recognize Sakurai Yuto only to find Yuto instead, just Yuto, Yuto who has yet matured into Sakurai Yuto (and may never will), Nogami’s eyes say Yuto, Yuto, and only Yuto.
After traipsing through life uncaring, expecting people to treat him like a ghost because of the effects of his Zeronos cards, it always comes as a wonder when somebody notices him for what he really is. It’s such a heady thing, this feeling, creeping up on him and surprising him in the most unexpected way. He just-
Yuto can’t cope with it.
So he flees.
(He’s terrified he’s only imagining it. He’s terrified he’s not only imagining it. He’s too terrified to find out.)
*
“Yuto, Yuto,” Deneb is saying, “Hana is calling for you. Do you wish to take her call?”
Yuto spends a few seconds blinking stupidly at Deneb, wondering how the hell Hana even managed to reach him, when he’s not even in the same Time Era as her when he realizes oh right, he’s inside ZeroLiner, and of course the Time Train would have ways of communicating with other Time Trains, including DenLiner.
“Tell her I’m sick and therefore unable to come to the phone right now.” Yuto says urgently, pleading with his eyes at Deneb.
“Er,” Deneb says, at the same time a voice booms out of the receiver, “I’ve always known you’re a sick kid, you brat, but not like it’s ever stopped you before! So be a man for once and face me now!” Momotaros. So it appears he’s on speaker, then.
Yuto glares at Deneb. Deneb just keeps avoiding his eyes while simultaneously holding the phone to him.
“I’m sorry, the number you’re calling can’t be reached. Please call again later. Preferably never. Bye.” He’s about to push the disconnect button when suddenly Deneb puts the phone high above his head, safely out of Yuto’s reach.
Yuto glares harder at him.
But Deneb just shakes his head, and now it’s him giving Yuto pleading looks.
“Lookie here, you bastard!” Momotaros shouts, no volume control whatsoever, “if it wasn’t for Ryotaro, I wouldn’t even-“
“Yeah? And if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have my nap interrupted! Stupid!” he doesn’t even try to edit out that last bit; it’s not like he has a reputation to uphold, anyway. “Stupid!” he says again, because he’s truly a brat at heart.
Except the voice answering him is not Momotaros’.
“…Yuto?”
Yuto’s mouth shuts. He knows that voice; that voice, whose owner always talks in low, hesitant voice, almost a stutter. He knows that voice. He doesn’t want to know that voice.
“What?” he grits out.
“Yuto.” Nogami breathes out, sounds like he’s relieved, and it totally messes with Yuto’s mind.
“What do you want?” he sounds tired. Why does he sound tired?
“The last time-you were gone. I mean, so suddenly. I’ve wondered why.” Nogami says quietly. “I’m-I want to apologize.”
Yuto chokes down on the laughter suddenly bubbling up inside him. “…whatever for?” Oh god, they’re gonna talk about it.
A pause. A too long pause, in which Yuto’s mind readily supplies him with an image of Nogami shuffling his feet nervously, trying to gather his courage for whatever it’s he’s about to say.
“That last time,” Nogami says, and it must be something serious, for Yuto *feels* the hesitance pouring off of Nogami, despite them being not even in the same time space, let alone in the same room. “I feel like I’ve offended you. Unintentionally. So I apologize for that.”
Oh god, they’re really gonna talk about it.
“No,” Yuto says, suddenly aware they’re both not alone, that they have audience, that the phones are on speakers, and he couldn’t decide whether that was a relief or a burden. “No, it’s not. You. It’s. It’s me. So let’s just forget that.”
Words passing through his mouth, forgetting he has a brain to filter them with, and by the time he realizes he sounds like he’s shooting a particularly cheesy break-up scene, it’s too late to take it back.
A near silence on the other end, and Yuto could only wishes for the earth to swallow him up completely.
“Ah,” Nogami says, laughing nervously. “I don’t… I mean, I. Yuto-“
Then it hits him: Nogami doesn’t remember. He’s too out of it to ever recall what happened, and his Imagins couldn’t tell him since they weren’t at his head at the time. This isn’t a matter of Nogami apologizing; it’s a matter of Nogami finding out what happened.
“It doesn’t matter.” He forces out. It shouldn’t matter. He steps on Deneb’s foot, making the Imagin cries out, at the same time dropping the phone-which Yuto catches swiftly. “Oh look! Dark tunnel! Bad receiving, you know how it is with phones and tunnels! Bye!”
Deneb only looks at him in disapproval. “Yuto, it’s not okay to lie. You shouldn’t lie to your friends, you would only-“
He smoothly turns Deneb’s voice out, closing his eyes.
*
But even after he cuts the connection, he feels like he could still hear Nogami’s voice, saying that one little word. A name. His name. Yuto.
He really, really can’t deal with it.
*
After the whole thing with Kai resolves itself, he takes it to himself to see Airi at the hospital. Just to see how she’s holding up. You know, as a friend. Since he’s officially sort-of Nogami’s friend right now. It’s-it’s only polite, right, to pay a visit when your friend’s sister is hospitalized?
He tells himself he’s here as Nogami’s friend. He tells himself he’s not here to find a closure.
(He’s always been good at deluding himself.)
“It’s over, now.” Airi says.
She’s looking over the window, hands clasped over her lap, messy long hair tied loosely over her back, shoulders hunched slightly forward, head turned away from him. She looks tired and beautiful and human, and all he wants is to put a blanket around her and keep her warm and nice and comfortable, all the while whispering how he wouldn’t let anything bad get to her, that he would keep her safe.
He could see himself with her, he thinks. He could see himself fall for her; could see himself turning the world upside down if only she wished for it.
The point being *he* could see it.
He’s just not sure she could, too.
“It’s over.” Airi says, soft and low and quiet, nearly a whisper. Her fingers move; just a little twitch as she flexes her fingers again and again, as if testing her own hand coordination. Such a simple gesture, and still his eyes track the movement all the same. After all, it’s preferable than to look at the pain and sorrow frozen on her reflection by the window glass. It’s-much preferable. “It really is over.”
Yuto bites his tongue, trying to keep his emotion from bleeding into his voice. “I know.”
Nothing changes; yet everything is different.
Even now, she’s mourning still; only difference? She knows it too.
Look at me, he wants to shout. Look at me; I’m here, I’m here still.
Except he knows, even if she could force herself to look at him, all she would see is the things that could have been, the symbol to everything she has lost, and that is just-
Fucked up.
“It’s over, now.” She says again. A finality in the way she says it, in the way her voice sounds, so strong and sure and nothing like the pain she doesn’t let him see on her face.
This is it; this is her answer to the question he never asks, and he just. He doesn’t know why he expects it to turn out differently.
“I understand.” Yuto says, because he does. “And I’m sorry.”
His hands are fisted on his side; he tries to uncurl them, a finger by a finger, all the while using the moment to etch her feature into memory-all the dreams she wouldn’t let herself hope for, all the words she wouldn’t say, all the tears she wouldn’t shed.
He forces his legs moving, one measured step by one measured step, until he could hear her door closes behind him with a soft click.
Pressing the heels of his hands over his eyes, he sighs, allowing a pained sound escaping his lips.
Something inside her is breaking still, and he can’t, for the life of him, fix it; not when he knows the wound has Sakurai Yuto written all over it.
A movement in his peripheral vision; he turns. Sees Nogami standing in the corridor, a deer in a headlight look on his face, before it gives way to a determined (conflicted?) look instead.
Yuto sneers.
Nogami flinches.
Without wasting another second, he passes him by, his steps sure and steady, head held high. One moment of weakness is already one too many to last him lifetime. He never looks back.
Nogami doesn’t call for him.
*
(He sneers because it’s ugly and petty and because he can’t bear to see the pitying look upon Nogami’s face.
He sneers because he can’t afford to crumble-not right now.
He sneers because-
It’s all he could do to not break and cry.)
*
Once upon a time, long before he meets Nogami and Deneb is out on an errand, Yuto goes on adventure. It’s called ‘Let’s Remember Sakurai Yuto!’
He’s young and his experience on ZeroLiner and Zeronos is greener still, therefore he’s allowed a little naivety: thinking that so long enough people remember him, he wouldn’t run the risk of disappearing in time.
So there he is, attending gatherings, drawing crowds, charming people with his sweet personality. He goes on dates, plays games, all in the name of making memories. Except-
Except he’s wrong. The memories-they do not work like that.
He checks up on those acquaintances, later. In the future. And they’re-
There’s a gaping hole in their memories, in the shape of him. Those memories he makes with them? They do not fade-like how normal people naturally forget things; they’re erased instead, leaving an emptiness in their minds, something they know should mean something, but could never understand what.
A girl even goes as far as being hospitalized in a mental hospital, all because her meticulous mind couldn’t cope with the void in her memory; the void that stands empty but obvious, and feels just as real-according to her.
“I know it’s real.” She tells Yuto. “I know it sounds crazy, but I swear it’s real. It certainly feels important, you know? And I don’t want to forget something important. I believe-I believe if I could reach far enough, I might finally find it.” She looks at Yuto. Smiles at him. “Isn’t that why you’re here? Because you know what it’s like?”
But he’s not; he’s here because he feels guilty. She’s here because of him, and he can’t just-leave her.
“Of course.” He tells her, voice strained. “Of course.”
The next week he comes back only to find her bleeding to her death after jumping from the rooftop of the hospital.
“I guess I’m just not strong enough,” she says between her dying breaths, smiling up at him. “I’m sorry.”
No, Yuto wants to say, tears strolling down his face, No, *I’m* sorry. Oh god I’m so sorry.
(he never forgets his first death-not when it’s only the first of many.)
*
“Did you know it was going to happen, huh?” Yuto nearly screams, hands grasping his future self’s collars, body taut in a preparation for a fight. “You knew, didn’t you?! And still you let me do it, still you let me destroy their lives!”
“But I didn’t,” his future self says quietly. “I’m learning this as I go, just like you.”
“You liar!” Yuto screams, shaking the other man. The worse thing is that-the worse thing is that he knows his future self doesn’t lie; he knows himself enough to recognize the tells when he’s lying, and his future self shows nothing but a slight surprise at the news, at what Yuto’s trying to do.
“At least now we know one thing for sure.” His future self says. “You’re not me. Our timeline has no longer connected.”
(Yuto doesn’t bother to pull his punches when he hits him.)
*
Hana seeks him out, afterward. After Kai, after Airi, after DenLiner is restored, after the whole things has calmed down some. Going so far as tracking Zeronos and trapping it in place by using KingLiner. (How she even manages to convince both the DenLiner owner and the Station Master to scurry to her request, he’s a little afraid to imagine.)
“Till the end, you’re really just a coward, aren’t you?” Hana hisses.
She’s a spitfire in the form of a tiny little girl, and he couldn’t decide whether he should be disturbed or proud of it-considering she’s supposed to be *his* future little daughter and all.
Wait, does that timeline even still exist?
“I never say anything to the contrary.” Yuto scowls at her from where he sits on his chair at the diner compartment, definitely not sulking.
“There are some things,” Hana begins, eyes hard. Her expression is a mixture of a pinched look and a pissed off look combined with disbelief. It’s a funny look on her. “--that I need to discuss with you.”
Yuto snorts. “Yeah right. How about no?”
Her eyes narrow. “You owe an explanation!”
“I owe me an explanation!” Yuto explodes. “But did I ever give it, even a little? No! Here’s the list of things you need to do, Yuto. Don’t concern yourself with the reasons, Yuto. You would understand someday, Yuto. And then after everything, I just decide to disappear forever in a shiny light of heroic proportion-all the while without ever explaining why!”
Silence, silence, silence.
She-it’s not her fault; she doesn’t deserve this-she doesn’t deserve his anger.
He fists his knuckles, trying to regain back his cool-or whatever left of it.
Hana stares. “Is that even supposed to make any sense?”
“Obviously not, according to your expression.” Yuto scoffs. He looks out the windowglass; barren land, as far as the eyes can see. He wonders how many Imagins are outside, hidden within the very sand of Time, waiting for the right moment to offer a bargain in exchange for a chance to change back the time.
“Look, I-“ she sighs, “I think we’ve been going about this the wrong way.”
Yuto snorts. “You think?”
She glares at him. “I’m trying, here.”
He stares at her. Sees the effort she makes to get herself under control. Notices the determined look in her eyes, the faint lines of her profile; he could make out the slight resemblance to Airi, he thinks. If only he bothers to look. Or knows what to look for.
If only-
He sighs. Rubs his hands over his face. “I can’t give you what you want.” He tells her. She looks up sharply at his words. “I’m not the one you’re looking for.” I’m not *him*. A wry smile. “You, of all people, should’ve known that.”
She’s staring at him still, a myriad of emotions in her eyes.
A ten-year-old has no right to look that weary, he thinks. Like the whole world just suddenly comes crushing down to the ground.
“I know that. After Airi-” she stops. “I mean, the only one left who-” she bites her lower lip. “I just can’t.” She says brokenly.
Of course. How does it feel, he wonders, to find out that the reason you don’t belong to any timeline, any world, is that because your parents made it so? That they would go so far as to destroy your world, erasing your existence from everybody’s memory (including their own), to keep you alive?
They’re kinda the same, Yuto thinks, him and Hana. The only difference? He had had an advance warning about people forgetting him, while Hana hadn’t.
Such a pair they make.
Her parents probably never counted on her to be forever lost in Time, though, with nowhere to go back to.
“You look ten right now, you know.” He says quietly. “None would fault you for showing your sadness.”
A giggle escapes her lips, unbidden, despite the miserable look she’s still supporting. “I do have that, don’t I?”
“A second adolescent phase, with all the problems that comes with it.” He agrees. “At least you’re not alone now.”
A moment of stillness, as she looks at him, as she no doubt catches the slight hitch on his voice in the last sentence. “Yuto-“
“And that,” Yuto says, cutting her off, raising to his feet, “is my cue to leave. Do tell the Station Master to release ZeroLiner, will you? Unlike you slackers in DenLiner, ZeroLiner does have a schedule to stick to.”
“Yuto,” Hana calls, just as he ‘s about to step out the door. He pauses, because he wants closure as much as she does, and there might be hope if he complies to it now, she would never bring out the fact that she’s his-no, not his, per se, but his future self’s daughter-again.
…And that-is the line of thought he’s been avoiding to have. (He swears he wouldn’t want kids for the rest of his life.)
“Yuto,” she says, “You know you’re not alone, right?” she hesitates. “We’re also your friends, you know. You do know that, right?”
Wow. She actually sounds concerned. For him.
He flashes her a smile. “Of course.”
The door slides close behind him.
(it wouldn’t be the first time he lies.)
*
One thing that is painfully clear (but he wouldn’t realize until much later) from the after effect of using Zeronos’ cards is that people would end up not remembering him. As in, people. Would end up. Not. Remembering. Everything about him. Everything.
He could be nice and sweet and cruel and mischievous and polite and obnoxious and none-none, would ever remember.
It’s overwhelmingly scary and exciting and terrifying at the same time; it’s freeing, knowing he could do anything, and there would be no consequence. On the other hand, it’s also frightening, since he leaves no footprint whatsoever of his existence, and once his Zeronos card deck is empty, he’s as good as dead-only worse, since there would be no trace whatsoever of it.
It’s-quite depressing, in the end.
“But I would always remember Yuto,” Deneb says, when in one drunken stupor, Yuto slurs everything at him. “Yuto doesn’t need to worry about such thing, because I will never forget. Imagins work memories differently than humans, and we are not ones to easily forget.”
Yuto might have cried, hearing that. But-
“You’re lying,” Yuto says. “You’re here only because that inconsiderate asshole from the future who called himself Sakurai Yuto asked you to.”
“So he did.” Deneb says, quiet, quiet, quiet. “But he never asked me to care for Yuto. And I do-care for Yuto.”
Liar liar liar pants on fire- “Don’t make me laugh,” Yuto says, rubbing a hand over his eyes. “You’re just an Imagin; you’ll be gone once you finished your orders.”
Deneb hesitates, face slightly looking away. “I could stay.” Deneb says. Then, once more, in a firmer voice, “I could stay. As long as Yuto would allow me to.”
Yuto smiles. “You say the sweetest things.” He mumbles, letting sleep take over.
He thinks he sees Deneb’s expression fall apart for a second as he looks at Yuto, as he drapes a makeshift blanket over Yuto’s body, his voice murmuring the softest, Yuto-
But considering Deneb’s face is nothing more than a metal plate with decorative laser eyes, he chalks it up to a dream and forgets about it.
(-I’ll always be there for you. Always. I promise.)
*
The thing about Yuto is that-he never actually expects to be alive by the end of it all.
The way his future self presented the idea to him, Come save the future-with *our* memories and existences as its price. certainly never implies to him that he would actually come out of it alive.
And if none’s gonna remember him in the end, he might as well go all out and be as selfish as he could be, in all the ways he’s allowed to be.
He earns it, dammit.
So he bullies Deneb around and kicks him and shouts at him constantly, while he looks down on other people and pretends the rest of the world doesn’t exist.
(He considers kicking puppies as a hobby, as any evil heartless man would, except he had tried it once and the puppy had looked at him with tearful eyes and cried pitifully, making him feel like the most pathetic, biggest jerk in the world, until he ended up nursing it back to health before giving it away to an animal shelter-to Deneb’s eternal protest.
Having a puppy for a pet would do you good, Yuto.
Shut up, Deneb. If I already have you, why would I want a puppy?)
(He ends up being alive-just another reason to hate his future self by.
No, he can’t spare some sympathy for himself; he’s done wallowing in self-pity-both him, and his future self. He’s just done.)
*
Sometimes, when Denliner happens upon Zeroliner for a case, he catches Nogami looking at him, an indescribable look in his eyes.
The old Nogami would look away once Yuto caught him staring, stuttering one excuse or another. But this Nogami-
He just keeps looking at Yuto, eyes never wavering, like he’s entitled to it. It seriously unsettles him, and he finds himself looking away more often than not; or just flats out refusing to acknowledge the fact he could feel somebody’s eyes on him.
He’s not the only one who notices.
“Maybe it’s time you stop running away and try to settle down.” Hana says, standing close, but never quite touching. Yuto doesn’t miss the way her eyes flicker to Ryotaro for a second. “It might end in tears. It might end in laughter. The point is, we don’t know. And it’s totally worth a shot, don’t you think?”
“What is this, parents counseling?” Yuto snaps. “You do realize I’m not actually your father, right? That ship has long since lost its timeline.”
She smacks him upside the head. “And how I’m grateful for that.” She says cheerfully. And then gently, she puts a hand on his forearm, voice lowering into a soft whisper, “Eventually, you’re gonna have to start trusting people again, Yuto.” Then she smiles and pulls away, giving a nod to Ryotaro’s direction in a not so subtle movement.
Yuto stares at her.
(He thinks he likes her better when she’s all annoyed with him.)
*
He might say everything contrary to Hana, just to annoy her, just to prove her he’s right, but. But the truth is-
But the truth is.
Ryotaro looks at him and just keeps looking at him while he pretends he doesn’t notice.
The truth is, once Ryotaro’s attention is elsewhere, Yuto looks at him and remembers his words and wishes he never looks away.
The truth is Yuto has longed for it and yearns for it but he never forgets how life keeps disappointing him again and again, and he just-he’s too scared to take that chance.
The truth is, Yuto looks at Ryotaro and Yuto-
Yuto wants.
*
(Soon, then. Soon.)
.
.
.
end
This entry was crossposted at http://mi-key.dreamwidth.org/52215.html.