(no subject)
There's something seriously currently lacking in my life and it seems to be taking it's toll already. I feel so sloppy. In everything I do, I feel sloppy. I've stopped caring about a lot of things that I used to put a lot of effort into. I feel physically sloppy. I used to be thinner and more attractive. Now I feel sloppy and below average. I feel I used to be prettier. My mother's extreme passive aggression doesn't help the situation not one bit. I'm going to change. I have to. Or I will be the end of me. I don't know how and I know it'll be hard, but I'm going to change. I refuse to turn twenty years old feeling and looking the way I do now. It's just not going to happen that way. I'm pretty friggin' stubborn so I refuse to let it happen.
I experience difficulties being truthful to people. Now, I don't mean that I'm some freak chronic liar or something similar to that; I just have trouble exposing myself emotionally to people. I'm quite positive that it's not because I fear some sort of rejection; I'm just pretty emotionally comatose. I will always find ways around expressing intimate thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Ask me how I feel and I will surely answer with a "great!" or an "awesome!", sometimes throwing in an "okay" or an "all right" if things are really bad. Ask me if something is wrong and I will insist that nothing is wrong and that I'm just tired or simply feeling bland or I'll hand to you some other stupid excuse. My mother and my father always had a knack for making negative emotions seem like something to hide, as if it were shameful, you know? I can't break away from that now. I rarely cry. It takes a lot to make me cry. I can shed tears on the spot. I can act sad. But I don't cry. I don't feel very much, and I don't feel like very much.
I feel like this is why I will fail in any relationship with any person that doesn't already know me. Because I won't open up. Or because it will take too much effort to get me to the point where I will open up. I doubt I'll ever do it on my own.
You know what else I'm deficient of? Confidence. I hear I'm aggressive when it comes to something that I want, and I won't argue against it. I wouldn't call it being aggressive, but I can see how one would easily mistake what I do or how I am for being aggressive. I'm crazy shy. I'm very bashful in groups. I can't help it. I can be great in one-on-one's or with small groups of very close friends, but anything beyond that paralyzes my social skills. It's a little sad. I feel more comfortable being in a big group of complete strangers than with a smaller group of people I already know (this aside from my really really close friends), Why? Because the big group of complete strangers have absolutely no pre-existing knowledge of me and, therefore, have yet to conceive any opinion or judgement of me-unless, of course, they're complete assholes. I don't have to play a part that I've already been assigned. I can play my own part and not have people wonder why I'm acting any differently. I probably won't be crazy shy then. I won't crumble. I'm such a fake.
I need to stop.
I would consider this past weekend a success. Nothing major happened, but the fact that lots of lounging about, hanging out, alcohol, and friends were involved instantly classifies it a success. I haven't left my apartment much lately. Some people that don't live here haven't left the apartment much lately, either; but-in complete honesty-I love that they haven't left much either lately. I like having people around. Certain people. The people that have been occupying the furniture-less living area of my apartment, I love to have around. I absolutely adore having Mark, Crystal, camPINKO, Brother, and Mario around. They're the regulars. Nick and Chris aren't physical regulars, but I truly delight in their visits. You too, Michael. Jonathan's occasional visits are welcomed and appreciated as well. And here I thought that I was going to have problems ever living with people.
I miss some people and some places-even some situations. I'd like to go back only I know it's impossible. We wouldn't wanna send anybody in hysterics now, would we?
The apartment is becoming disgusting again. I really have to clean later today. Really. Life and death here. I have movie plans with Victor so I need to get crackin'. There's more. There's so much more I'd like to get down in an obviously failing attempt to make sense of everything that has been swirling around in my head in the past few months. But I won't. I won't make the effort now. I'm hungry and I need to drop pounds so this is my cue to sleep. I love (some of) you.
<3prettyroxy
I experience difficulties being truthful to people. Now, I don't mean that I'm some freak chronic liar or something similar to that; I just have trouble exposing myself emotionally to people. I'm quite positive that it's not because I fear some sort of rejection; I'm just pretty emotionally comatose. I will always find ways around expressing intimate thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Ask me how I feel and I will surely answer with a "great!" or an "awesome!", sometimes throwing in an "okay" or an "all right" if things are really bad. Ask me if something is wrong and I will insist that nothing is wrong and that I'm just tired or simply feeling bland or I'll hand to you some other stupid excuse. My mother and my father always had a knack for making negative emotions seem like something to hide, as if it were shameful, you know? I can't break away from that now. I rarely cry. It takes a lot to make me cry. I can shed tears on the spot. I can act sad. But I don't cry. I don't feel very much, and I don't feel like very much.
I feel like this is why I will fail in any relationship with any person that doesn't already know me. Because I won't open up. Or because it will take too much effort to get me to the point where I will open up. I doubt I'll ever do it on my own.
You know what else I'm deficient of? Confidence. I hear I'm aggressive when it comes to something that I want, and I won't argue against it. I wouldn't call it being aggressive, but I can see how one would easily mistake what I do or how I am for being aggressive. I'm crazy shy. I'm very bashful in groups. I can't help it. I can be great in one-on-one's or with small groups of very close friends, but anything beyond that paralyzes my social skills. It's a little sad. I feel more comfortable being in a big group of complete strangers than with a smaller group of people I already know (this aside from my really really close friends), Why? Because the big group of complete strangers have absolutely no pre-existing knowledge of me and, therefore, have yet to conceive any opinion or judgement of me-unless, of course, they're complete assholes. I don't have to play a part that I've already been assigned. I can play my own part and not have people wonder why I'm acting any differently. I probably won't be crazy shy then. I won't crumble. I'm such a fake.
I need to stop.
I would consider this past weekend a success. Nothing major happened, but the fact that lots of lounging about, hanging out, alcohol, and friends were involved instantly classifies it a success. I haven't left my apartment much lately. Some people that don't live here haven't left the apartment much lately, either; but-in complete honesty-I love that they haven't left much either lately. I like having people around. Certain people. The people that have been occupying the furniture-less living area of my apartment, I love to have around. I absolutely adore having Mark, Crystal, camPINKO, Brother, and Mario around. They're the regulars. Nick and Chris aren't physical regulars, but I truly delight in their visits. You too, Michael. Jonathan's occasional visits are welcomed and appreciated as well. And here I thought that I was going to have problems ever living with people.
I miss some people and some places-even some situations. I'd like to go back only I know it's impossible. We wouldn't wanna send anybody in hysterics now, would we?
The apartment is becoming disgusting again. I really have to clean later today. Really. Life and death here. I have movie plans with Victor so I need to get crackin'. There's more. There's so much more I'd like to get down in an obviously failing attempt to make sense of everything that has been swirling around in my head in the past few months. But I won't. I won't make the effort now. I'm hungry and I need to drop pounds so this is my cue to sleep. I love (some of) you.
<3prettyroxy