born to be crazy
lately i wonder this. had i lived sorta "normal"-ish life so far, had i lived smoother, without bumps that completely tipped me over, would i be more stable now?
i've never been to a war. but i've battled with many things and have had tasted the painful thrill of hitting the absolute bottom of the pit. thrilled, perhaps because i'm a naturally positive guy and think i can always get out of it. And as weird as it seems, sometimes i think i hunger for that despair. it's that absurd attachment to the miserable times which in hindsight make us smile for seemingly no good reason. am i addicted to a constant feed of adrenalin and stress-tight environment? is this why every time i try to be good i only fail in the end?
maybe i'm just made this way.
i feel like the "right way" is the wrong way for me. i feel alive when i'm walking on the thin line, it's always either/or, never in between.
if i am certain i am meant to live a crazy life, isn't it wrong to take a hostage? especially if this hostage is the best thing that has ever happened to my pathetic life?
why did i marry? to help her? to motivate myself to become a better person? because i felt like it?
if i am meant to live wild and free, going wherever, whenever i want, and it helps being alone why the fuck did i marry?
wasn't it because i wanted to believe in that little chance that i could change?
a lil fairy tale whispering, a sudden wishful thinking that after seeing years of repeated failures and running in circles in my own doom
that i could CHANGE?
FUCK YOU
i've never been to a war. but i've battled with many things and have had tasted the painful thrill of hitting the absolute bottom of the pit. thrilled, perhaps because i'm a naturally positive guy and think i can always get out of it. And as weird as it seems, sometimes i think i hunger for that despair. it's that absurd attachment to the miserable times which in hindsight make us smile for seemingly no good reason. am i addicted to a constant feed of adrenalin and stress-tight environment? is this why every time i try to be good i only fail in the end?
maybe i'm just made this way.
i feel like the "right way" is the wrong way for me. i feel alive when i'm walking on the thin line, it's always either/or, never in between.
if i am certain i am meant to live a crazy life, isn't it wrong to take a hostage? especially if this hostage is the best thing that has ever happened to my pathetic life?
why did i marry? to help her? to motivate myself to become a better person? because i felt like it?
if i am meant to live wild and free, going wherever, whenever i want, and it helps being alone why the fuck did i marry?
wasn't it because i wanted to believe in that little chance that i could change?
a lil fairy tale whispering, a sudden wishful thinking that after seeing years of repeated failures and running in circles in my own doom
that i could CHANGE?
FUCK YOU