unrestorable corruption.
I used to have so much, only I didn't realize that. My life is an unending repetition of shame and misery. The happiness always came unexpected like a beautiful stranger asking for direction. But she never stayed too long, she would always leave me feeling confused and even betrayed sometimes.
It's like when I lose all my money on the table, I think about all the billion other things I could've done with that dead money. I lived a life of gamble; risking everything I could afford. And now, I wonder about all the billion other things I could've done with my dead years.
When did I become like this? I feel so corrupted. When I smoke cigarettes I feel like I am littering on a place already filled with trash; helpless, my being lacks reasons for me to be healthy or be good to myself.
Sometimes, for whatever reason, I'd be inspired. And realize that my vision is so limited to my own surroundings and I must live to fully appreciate the world as whole. It's a big world out there, and I want to take a part in it, I think to myself. But then again, I retreat to my comfortable depression and remain the worthless oxygen eater that I've been all my life.
I am sad. I feel really blue and feel like shouting and crying. Maybe somebody should beat the shit out of me. I want to change. I miss my dead years so dearly and wish I could have another chance but I know living the rest of my life in regrets like this would be even greater mistake.
Will I ever make it through?
It's like when I lose all my money on the table, I think about all the billion other things I could've done with that dead money. I lived a life of gamble; risking everything I could afford. And now, I wonder about all the billion other things I could've done with my dead years.
When did I become like this? I feel so corrupted. When I smoke cigarettes I feel like I am littering on a place already filled with trash; helpless, my being lacks reasons for me to be healthy or be good to myself.
Sometimes, for whatever reason, I'd be inspired. And realize that my vision is so limited to my own surroundings and I must live to fully appreciate the world as whole. It's a big world out there, and I want to take a part in it, I think to myself. But then again, I retreat to my comfortable depression and remain the worthless oxygen eater that I've been all my life.
I am sad. I feel really blue and feel like shouting and crying. Maybe somebody should beat the shit out of me. I want to change. I miss my dead years so dearly and wish I could have another chance but I know living the rest of my life in regrets like this would be even greater mistake.
Will I ever make it through?