Aha!
Note: I wrote a week ago.
I tell myself, again and again: “It’s you. Be patient, and you will understand in time.”
Am I ever convinced? No--but I test the validity of the statement, believing, perhaps, that I can change. I can wait/wade through all of my troubles in a romance ‘til it finally makes sense. And it will. I’ll see a whole new world of love where once there was only doubt. I’ll see it ‘cause I’ll become different after having forced myself to experiment [on myself].
In my delusion, he is a great guy. He is the kind of guy I could stand behind, praise, love--and he would transform. He is the kind of guy that deserves being treated well ‘cause he treats well. He is the kind of guy I wish I could fall for, but I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. In my delusion, there is only him and the guy who eludes me, who envelopes my senses--knocking me off my feet, blinding my eyes, taping shut my mouth, filling up my nose with sweet-but-deadly maple scents.
I wanted the fantasy to break. I wanted it to be him-not-me. I wanted to continue on my journey ‘til it feels right again (and actually is right). Even though I got what I wanted, it hurt so badly. I wonder if I will fall again, trust blindly again. I wonder if I’ll trust with my eyes open someday. I wonder, but I know. I know it’s hopeless. I know ‘cause I can feel in my heart that I will struggle through my whole life to find someone who makes sense with me--and that, that I will never find.
I tell myself, again and again: “It’s you. Be patient, and you will understand in time.”
Am I ever convinced? No--but I test the validity of the statement, believing, perhaps, that I can change. I can wait/wade through all of my troubles in a romance ‘til it finally makes sense. And it will. I’ll see a whole new world of love where once there was only doubt. I’ll see it ‘cause I’ll become different after having forced myself to experiment [on myself].
In my delusion, he is a great guy. He is the kind of guy I could stand behind, praise, love--and he would transform. He is the kind of guy that deserves being treated well ‘cause he treats well. He is the kind of guy I wish I could fall for, but I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. In my delusion, there is only him and the guy who eludes me, who envelopes my senses--knocking me off my feet, blinding my eyes, taping shut my mouth, filling up my nose with sweet-but-deadly maple scents.
I wanted the fantasy to break. I wanted it to be him-not-me. I wanted to continue on my journey ‘til it feels right again (and actually is right). Even though I got what I wanted, it hurt so badly. I wonder if I will fall again, trust blindly again. I wonder if I’ll trust with my eyes open someday. I wonder, but I know. I know it’s hopeless. I know ‘cause I can feel in my heart that I will struggle through my whole life to find someone who makes sense with me--and that, that I will never find.