Beautiful stars implode; beautiful stars are born.
You haven't received a fulfilling update from me in awhile, I know. After a challenging day at work, I come home to a list of obvious responsibilities -- the apartment needs constant cleaning, clothes need washing and putting away, mail needs sorting, bills need to be paid in a timely manner; I need to buy groceries and make dinner and plan my other meals; my hair, nails, and skin need the proper nurturing; Dorian needs food and a clean litter box; and I need to sleep. Somewhere in my week, I do the intense reading and writing for my classes, as well as TA for advising. I do non-required reading of anywhere from two to eight books a month. I keep in touch with my parents.
This is, by no means, a list; it's my life. I feel good about what I'm doing. I know I'm keeping everything together. I'm learning more and more about myself each day. I'm growing as a person, in all the areas in which I have so eagerly been hoping to see development.
Weeks ago, I made a decision to temporarily give up on dating -- only to find a stampede of boys after me! This gorgeous guy at work brought his daughter in a couple days ago and she said: "She looks like mommy." He replied: "That's your future stepmother." Sadly, this other guy at work fell head-over-penis for me a few weeks before he planned to move to VA to live with his long-term girlfriend. Another guy, Eric is trying to win my affections with persistence and a keen memory for the details. He just made me an e-compilation of songs that contain "xylophones, glockenspiels, vibraphones, or similar instruments" (how sweet!). Upon going home for the Radiohead concert, I was surprised to find out that my best friend's li'l brother has been waiting four years for me to keep a promise I made to go on a date with him! A handful of guys have tried to get my attention without much success, and therefore do not get a specific mention. But, as can be seen, not being attainable has made me more that much more attractive to the opposite gender.
My dating hiatus has no time period. I am convinced that when my right guy comes along, nothing I do or say or don't do or say will keep him away. He will do everything in his power to be with me. I don't want anything less. Even better, all the guys I would have otherwise wasted my time with will leave on their own for lack of reinforcement. It's a win-win situation for me, whether or not it feels like it all the time. In any case, I never planned to be "waiting for the right guy." It just so happens that I needed space from all things Romance and I found, along the way, a better reason to step back.
Luckily, I have a very intense job. On the record, I work at a Center for Autism. Off the record, I work at a behavioral center that houses people who have been kicked out of all other places due to their inappropriate and aggressive behaviors. I work specifically in a house with thirteen-seventeen year olds. A few have autism, a few are retarded, one is bipolar, one is psychotic, and one is completely fine except for the impairments caused by deafness. Client behaviors in the house include: kicking, slapping, biting, scratching, hair-pulling, screaming and cursing, crying, spitting, pissing and pooing in inappropriate places, rectal digging, playing and/or throwing poo, throwing items, disrobing, dropping to the floor, and any form of cooperation refusal.
Many people are scared, disgusted, and/or uninterested in this type of work. Due to the fact that it is a behavioral center, the work requires a strength to not only withstand the physical and mental abuse of the clients but also the ability to sit for lengthy periods of time without any reaction. And there is no "taking the easy way out" ever. You either use non-reaction with behaviors and run programs to teach the clients how to do appropriate things (from showering to socializing) or the clients become worse and worse toward you. Just for the record, retards are not retarded! They are really f'ing smart. They know what you're feeling even if you don't show it and they know exactly how to push your buttons.
I don't know why I'm there. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know what I want out of a romantic relationship. I don't even know quite who I am. It feels good to be searching; to not know; to admit ignorance and open my ears to anyone and everyone. It feels good to be confronted, or "tested" with things and find myself able to face those things with my feet firmly planted. It feels good to struggle, so openly now, with all that I've kept hidden my whole life and experience the results in front of an audience. Even if I don't know me, others will...
...and maybe, just maybe, that'll be a joy I've been missing!
This is, by no means, a list; it's my life. I feel good about what I'm doing. I know I'm keeping everything together. I'm learning more and more about myself each day. I'm growing as a person, in all the areas in which I have so eagerly been hoping to see development.
Weeks ago, I made a decision to temporarily give up on dating -- only to find a stampede of boys after me! This gorgeous guy at work brought his daughter in a couple days ago and she said: "She looks like mommy." He replied: "That's your future stepmother." Sadly, this other guy at work fell head-over-penis for me a few weeks before he planned to move to VA to live with his long-term girlfriend. Another guy, Eric is trying to win my affections with persistence and a keen memory for the details. He just made me an e-compilation of songs that contain "xylophones, glockenspiels, vibraphones, or similar instruments" (how sweet!). Upon going home for the Radiohead concert, I was surprised to find out that my best friend's li'l brother has been waiting four years for me to keep a promise I made to go on a date with him! A handful of guys have tried to get my attention without much success, and therefore do not get a specific mention. But, as can be seen, not being attainable has made me more that much more attractive to the opposite gender.
My dating hiatus has no time period. I am convinced that when my right guy comes along, nothing I do or say or don't do or say will keep him away. He will do everything in his power to be with me. I don't want anything less. Even better, all the guys I would have otherwise wasted my time with will leave on their own for lack of reinforcement. It's a win-win situation for me, whether or not it feels like it all the time. In any case, I never planned to be "waiting for the right guy." It just so happens that I needed space from all things Romance and I found, along the way, a better reason to step back.
Luckily, I have a very intense job. On the record, I work at a Center for Autism. Off the record, I work at a behavioral center that houses people who have been kicked out of all other places due to their inappropriate and aggressive behaviors. I work specifically in a house with thirteen-seventeen year olds. A few have autism, a few are retarded, one is bipolar, one is psychotic, and one is completely fine except for the impairments caused by deafness. Client behaviors in the house include: kicking, slapping, biting, scratching, hair-pulling, screaming and cursing, crying, spitting, pissing and pooing in inappropriate places, rectal digging, playing and/or throwing poo, throwing items, disrobing, dropping to the floor, and any form of cooperation refusal.
Many people are scared, disgusted, and/or uninterested in this type of work. Due to the fact that it is a behavioral center, the work requires a strength to not only withstand the physical and mental abuse of the clients but also the ability to sit for lengthy periods of time without any reaction. And there is no "taking the easy way out" ever. You either use non-reaction with behaviors and run programs to teach the clients how to do appropriate things (from showering to socializing) or the clients become worse and worse toward you. Just for the record, retards are not retarded! They are really f'ing smart. They know what you're feeling even if you don't show it and they know exactly how to push your buttons.
I don't know why I'm there. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know what I want out of a romantic relationship. I don't even know quite who I am. It feels good to be searching; to not know; to admit ignorance and open my ears to anyone and everyone. It feels good to be confronted, or "tested" with things and find myself able to face those things with my feet firmly planted. It feels good to struggle, so openly now, with all that I've kept hidden my whole life and experience the results in front of an audience. Even if I don't know me, others will...
...and maybe, just maybe, that'll be a joy I've been missing!