Better the devil that you know.
I know at times like these, either I'm strong or I'm not. And there's no point in breaking 'cause breaking is just an escape, right? So I will press words into my throat, swallow and hope sanity reaches my heart quickly: "Everything will come together. Everything will be fine." It doesn't matter if there's truth. A leader must lead, must see ahead what others don't and lead! Just that I'm dragging a whole group of "What if?"-ers around behind me, and damn are they heavy. Would it be easier if I let go? I don't know.
Some words will chase me around for relationships to come. I know last night was a breath of fresh air, of thoughtless, perfect affection. The comfort between us is outstanding; neither of us will give it up and neither of us is building anything else. We make each other happy more than angry now, and I could put it aside and go on and on and on -- if there weren't outside words to haunt. I wanted to ask: "Are you using me now? Is that what this is?" Enjoyment can no longer be... enjoyment. I will wonder if I matter enough to matter after the moment has come and gone. I will wonder if I'm being seen or if I am a cardboard cutout implemented in a time of need.
I shut my eyes. I close the door. I make my way into bed, trying to shake off the past without fleeing it. I am clinging to what I have done, and I am learning it inside and out. 'cause this is what I did, who I was, where I was, how I was. None of the whats describe the who, but I don't want to pretend what happened didn't happen to me. I played my part and if I don't want it to be my part anymore, I hafta' be willing to accept it all. I'm getting angry and so hurt -- but I know it's worth it. It's worth it if I can get my eyes open just an inch more than they've always been. Just an inch more, and never again will someone who believes I'm worthless have the opportunity to matter to me.
Some words will chase me around for relationships to come. I know last night was a breath of fresh air, of thoughtless, perfect affection. The comfort between us is outstanding; neither of us will give it up and neither of us is building anything else. We make each other happy more than angry now, and I could put it aside and go on and on and on -- if there weren't outside words to haunt. I wanted to ask: "Are you using me now? Is that what this is?" Enjoyment can no longer be... enjoyment. I will wonder if I matter enough to matter after the moment has come and gone. I will wonder if I'm being seen or if I am a cardboard cutout implemented in a time of need.
I shut my eyes. I close the door. I make my way into bed, trying to shake off the past without fleeing it. I am clinging to what I have done, and I am learning it inside and out. 'cause this is what I did, who I was, where I was, how I was. None of the whats describe the who, but I don't want to pretend what happened didn't happen to me. I played my part and if I don't want it to be my part anymore, I hafta' be willing to accept it all. I'm getting angry and so hurt -- but I know it's worth it. It's worth it if I can get my eyes open just an inch more than they've always been. Just an inch more, and never again will someone who believes I'm worthless have the opportunity to matter to me.