I guess I made a decision
I'm supposed to have decided by tomorrow what I'm going to do about moving back to mom and dad's.
I feel like I have no options. I long to have my freedom and independence as a nearly 30-yr old adult woman. But on the other hand, I'll never have what I want so long as I continue to live under the same roof as my brother with no one to run interference. I can't do anything about the noise or the smell or the lack of support on household chores. I've been driven to tears tonight by the noise from the video games - it gets under my skin and drives me up a wall, and it doesn't help that I already have a headache and I'm dreading going to work tomorrow because I still feel exhausted from last week.
I'm two months behind on all my bills. There's a fuckup in payroll and I"m only scheduled to get paid for one class next week, when I taught two and I thought payday was this last week. That being said, by the time I pay my car payment (two months) and the PG&E, I'll be broke again without paying anything else.
I feel like my only option right now is to give up and move home. The thought just makes me cringe and feel completely useless. I'm 29-fucking years old with a Master of Arts in English and I can't fucking pay my bills. I have done nothing but work hard and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I know it's not really my fault - I'm applying for jobs, there's just nothing out there with the economy, and there's no money for the community colleges to hire teachers to give students enough classes, and until someone (Obama) bails them out, we're stuck. I'm stuck.
My brother, on the other hand, keeps fucking up his life and comes up smelling like roses. It pisses me off to no end. I'm so fucking jealous of the way everyone treats him.
I don't know that I can handle living with my parents again, even if it's just for a year so I can get back on my feet. But at this point, I don't see that I have any other options. At least under my parents roof, the dog won't be an issue, and neither will the noise from the video games. I'll be miserable, but what else is new. I'm miserable here. At least at my parents house I'll be miserable with a few less bills to pay. And daddy has cable.
...I just feel completely worthless. Friends of mine are getting married, having families, and holding down careers. I don't want the marriage and family, but I'd love to have some job stability. I feel useless. Worthless. Like a 29-year old loser.
I keep running myself in circles and not coming up with anything different. I don't want to give up this house and the freedom it represents for me. But at the same time, I don't know I can keep myself above water if I start paying rent again and daddy can't keep covering me.
So, I guess that answers my question. it doesn't make it any easier to accept, knowing that I have to do it for my long term mental health and financial stability. I should start thinking about what I want to sell in a moving sale and what I want to try to store. And then I'm going to have to start getting my ass in gear to get this place cleaned up and ready to rent.
Christ, tomorrow's going to suck.
I feel like I have no options. I long to have my freedom and independence as a nearly 30-yr old adult woman. But on the other hand, I'll never have what I want so long as I continue to live under the same roof as my brother with no one to run interference. I can't do anything about the noise or the smell or the lack of support on household chores. I've been driven to tears tonight by the noise from the video games - it gets under my skin and drives me up a wall, and it doesn't help that I already have a headache and I'm dreading going to work tomorrow because I still feel exhausted from last week.
I'm two months behind on all my bills. There's a fuckup in payroll and I"m only scheduled to get paid for one class next week, when I taught two and I thought payday was this last week. That being said, by the time I pay my car payment (two months) and the PG&E, I'll be broke again without paying anything else.
I feel like my only option right now is to give up and move home. The thought just makes me cringe and feel completely useless. I'm 29-fucking years old with a Master of Arts in English and I can't fucking pay my bills. I have done nothing but work hard and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I know it's not really my fault - I'm applying for jobs, there's just nothing out there with the economy, and there's no money for the community colleges to hire teachers to give students enough classes, and until someone (Obama) bails them out, we're stuck. I'm stuck.
My brother, on the other hand, keeps fucking up his life and comes up smelling like roses. It pisses me off to no end. I'm so fucking jealous of the way everyone treats him.
I don't know that I can handle living with my parents again, even if it's just for a year so I can get back on my feet. But at this point, I don't see that I have any other options. At least under my parents roof, the dog won't be an issue, and neither will the noise from the video games. I'll be miserable, but what else is new. I'm miserable here. At least at my parents house I'll be miserable with a few less bills to pay. And daddy has cable.
...I just feel completely worthless. Friends of mine are getting married, having families, and holding down careers. I don't want the marriage and family, but I'd love to have some job stability. I feel useless. Worthless. Like a 29-year old loser.
I keep running myself in circles and not coming up with anything different. I don't want to give up this house and the freedom it represents for me. But at the same time, I don't know I can keep myself above water if I start paying rent again and daddy can't keep covering me.
So, I guess that answers my question. it doesn't make it any easier to accept, knowing that I have to do it for my long term mental health and financial stability. I should start thinking about what I want to sell in a moving sale and what I want to try to store. And then I'm going to have to start getting my ass in gear to get this place cleaned up and ready to rent.
Christ, tomorrow's going to suck.