Thank You Mary Roth
My Journalism 102 teacher said that it would be a good idea for me to start writing in this thing everyday again. blahhh. I really do not feel like pouring out my emotions for anyone to look at, but since i really have no one to share them with at the moment i might as well.
Two of the most important people in my life (or used to be at least) always used to tell us to live with no regrets. well, they were usually referring to the competition floor when they did this but they also said stuff like dont go out and party before practice and then regret it when you receive your place at nationals.
What if you do something thinking that "if i dont do this i dont want to look back and wonder 'what if'" and then that turns into the biggest regret of your life?
I regret how it affected my future with someone i never would have guessed i could love so much. I do not regret, however, how it affected me.
I never would have realized this love.
I would never received closure and could have continued my life miserable, way too thin for my own well being, and in hysterics every night.
Instead what i got was a boy that can honestly say i love more than anything in my life.
I have a hopeful future of spending it with him.
I have the hurt of knowing someone doesnt trust me, and right now wants to hurt me back.
Why should any of this surprise me?
I HAVE done this to myself as much as i do not want to admit it. I can argue it as much as I want because in my eyes what I got was worth it. But then i ask myself, was it worth it to hurt him? to lose his trust? Not in a million fucking years.
After you leave for college you realize who your real friends are. Who really cares about you. Who will say "cait, jack johnson is not worth fighting over" when in reality you are both dying to see him (haha). I have seen people change from college, and of my friends, in a really good way. they have grown up and have found themselves. They are MUCH stronger people, especially when it comes to letting someone love them.
My best friend quoted probably the best television show ever today. "The hardest part about loving someone, is allowing them to love you back" or along those lines.
And enter my faults.
What happened to me? I used to not care, the boy did. I used to be able to say "im bored" and move on like it was nothing.
I want to be that strong girl again. you aren't supposed to come back from college weaker than you left. Yes, i am very independent when it comes to doing things for myself, i live alone, i get good grades, i have this whole college thing figured out after a year of mishaps that Brian Rinde will surely attest to.
When it comes to you, I suck. Im weak, im jealous, I can not for the life of me stay mad at you. That should have been a clue from the beginning. I NEVER dropped anything in past relationships. Never, With you though, it wasn't worth fighting.
I think what is happening now is that i am letting my insecurities get the best of me. I will never be the prettiest, thinnest, smartest, most funny, sweetest girl you will ever meet.
I have more flaws that you will ever know.
Wanna hear something really cheesy?
When you make me cry I watch Boy Meets World, yes I own it on DVD. It calms me down. It gives me hope that you CAN break up and you CAN still be in love and have things work out.
I can try my hardest and take my friends and your brother's advice by not calling, not texting, but i cant. it is not natural to me.
All i want is for you to say you love me and everything will be okay.
Two of the most important people in my life (or used to be at least) always used to tell us to live with no regrets. well, they were usually referring to the competition floor when they did this but they also said stuff like dont go out and party before practice and then regret it when you receive your place at nationals.
What if you do something thinking that "if i dont do this i dont want to look back and wonder 'what if'" and then that turns into the biggest regret of your life?
I regret how it affected my future with someone i never would have guessed i could love so much. I do not regret, however, how it affected me.
I never would have realized this love.
I would never received closure and could have continued my life miserable, way too thin for my own well being, and in hysterics every night.
Instead what i got was a boy that can honestly say i love more than anything in my life.
I have a hopeful future of spending it with him.
I have the hurt of knowing someone doesnt trust me, and right now wants to hurt me back.
Why should any of this surprise me?
I HAVE done this to myself as much as i do not want to admit it. I can argue it as much as I want because in my eyes what I got was worth it. But then i ask myself, was it worth it to hurt him? to lose his trust? Not in a million fucking years.
After you leave for college you realize who your real friends are. Who really cares about you. Who will say "cait, jack johnson is not worth fighting over" when in reality you are both dying to see him (haha). I have seen people change from college, and of my friends, in a really good way. they have grown up and have found themselves. They are MUCH stronger people, especially when it comes to letting someone love them.
My best friend quoted probably the best television show ever today. "The hardest part about loving someone, is allowing them to love you back" or along those lines.
And enter my faults.
What happened to me? I used to not care, the boy did. I used to be able to say "im bored" and move on like it was nothing.
I want to be that strong girl again. you aren't supposed to come back from college weaker than you left. Yes, i am very independent when it comes to doing things for myself, i live alone, i get good grades, i have this whole college thing figured out after a year of mishaps that Brian Rinde will surely attest to.
When it comes to you, I suck. Im weak, im jealous, I can not for the life of me stay mad at you. That should have been a clue from the beginning. I NEVER dropped anything in past relationships. Never, With you though, it wasn't worth fighting.
I think what is happening now is that i am letting my insecurities get the best of me. I will never be the prettiest, thinnest, smartest, most funny, sweetest girl you will ever meet.
I have more flaws that you will ever know.
Wanna hear something really cheesy?
When you make me cry I watch Boy Meets World, yes I own it on DVD. It calms me down. It gives me hope that you CAN break up and you CAN still be in love and have things work out.
I can try my hardest and take my friends and your brother's advice by not calling, not texting, but i cant. it is not natural to me.
All i want is for you to say you love me and everything will be okay.