emo rant
*sighs* Hey guys, what's up? If you don't feel too much like reading about what happens in my sorry life, you don't have too, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. ^_^
Hey those who wondered what my problem is or just wanted something to read to pass the time or kill boredom, this is my rant. Well, to start things off, yeah it's Christmas, my shopping's done, everything's going good...blah, blah, blah....but why doesn't it feel like a huge relief? As of recently, and no I don't know how long a time span "recently" covers, but I've just been having extreme highs and lows...and I don't know why. I don't have any chemical imbalances or anything that I'm aware of...so everthing should be all hunky doorie right? So why am I all happy go lucky one minute, and the next wallowing in my own pool of self-pity wondering why I even continue....my mom says that it's all in my head...or is it?
I'm sure one or two of my friends here will know of my religious tendencies and how much I've defended it over the years, however now, I really don't give a shit about my religion or going to church anymore....when my mom questions me if my brother and I went to church after the paper route we do every weekend, I just look at her and wave my hand....not really answering her...and before any of you guys starts to think I'm lazy...I lift over 100 pounds of free weights in my school's weight room everyday after school for track and run stadium stairs...so no I'm not a lazy good-for-nothing....
anyway, now that that's out of the way....on with my pointless rant, and if you guys are still reading this, I congradulate you. ^_^ anyway....the next thing that has me bummed is the fact that no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to find a boyfriend at school...now considering that the boys in my school are about 85% prep, 14% jocks, and a mere 1% goth/rocker/skaters, it would be hard to find a guy that would best mesh with my personality, however it just seems that as the years pass, I'm never going to find anyone...this year's big dance for me is the Junior Dinner Dance, which is kind of like a Junior Prom, without the glamour, anyway, I told my mom that I wanted to go with someone to that dance, but I just don't know who I can ask that would actually consider going out with a pathetic, love-sick girl like me...to cover this weakness up, I just tell my parents and myself that I'll just go solo, and that I should stop limiting myself to just the guys in Boyertown, however, every year, to dances like prom and what not, all the girls have dates, all the girls are model-thin, all the girls are pretty....all the girls have guys escourting them who are actually pleased to be their escourt....
*sighs* sorry about that...it's hard for someone like me who's been slightly bigger than normal all their life to not be jealous of other model-thin girls where everyday the only thing they have to do is strut down the hallway in their mini-skirts and AE, A&F, or Aeropastale shirts and they have hoards of guys following at their heels drooling like love-sick puppy dogs. Speaking of clothes, I guess I dress as your average everyday Tomboy...dark faded jeans, black H.I.M., AFI or Bam shirt on, black, white and gray Adio skateboard shoes that have seen better days and a black H.I.M. visor beanie. I know this stuff isn't what high school girls normally wear, but come on, I feel comfortable in this stuff...so that's why I wear it...well my parents just couldn't leave me alone about this...my dad being the worst...it was just one after the other, first he said that I should act more feminine, I should wear make-up, paint my nails bright colors like peach or pink, listen to happier music.....all the time he kept going back to saying that he wasn't critizing me...yeah, sure, then why did it feel like you were?
continuing with the topic, he brought up a situation about jobs, and he compared me to my mom, we both had equal talents, qualifications and the sort, and he had to ask me who I thought would get the job, me, and my Tomboishness, or my mom....then he had to bring up the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend and he kept questioning me as to why I didn't have one, if I wanted one...and that sort of thing, they keep saying all the time that if I brought home a guy who was a really sweet guy, has good intentions and that sort of thing, they'd kick him out of the house and tell him to never come back if he had one piercing, a tattoo, or wore black eyeliner and liked to dress like me....he keeps saying that just because of a dark color, a different style of music and the fact that someone like me works best when on my own, I'm never going to make it in this world....I'll be judged before someone like a snobby cheerleader in which beauty is only skin-deep...just because I'm DIFFERENT my life is going to suck, and I'm going to end up begging for food on the streets....
writing and drawing has become a challenge for me anymore as well...I just don't seem to have any more good ideas, and apparently...it shows, no one wants to read my long drabbles about how two or more people encounter a situation, and this is how they work through it...no one cares about variety, it's hard to write good stories when the field of view for people is limited to certain guidelines and backdrops....besides you can only write so many words with one bottle of ink, and you can only replicate so many dreams before your paint, brushes and cavases run out...as stated above, I don't know why I'm so depressed...all I know is that I am who I am, and I refuse to change myself just because people are too goddamn stubborn to see the whole picture....well, good-night, and thank you for spending your time to read my mindless rant...
Hey those who wondered what my problem is or just wanted something to read to pass the time or kill boredom, this is my rant. Well, to start things off, yeah it's Christmas, my shopping's done, everything's going good...blah, blah, blah....but why doesn't it feel like a huge relief? As of recently, and no I don't know how long a time span "recently" covers, but I've just been having extreme highs and lows...and I don't know why. I don't have any chemical imbalances or anything that I'm aware of...so everthing should be all hunky doorie right? So why am I all happy go lucky one minute, and the next wallowing in my own pool of self-pity wondering why I even continue....my mom says that it's all in my head...or is it?
I'm sure one or two of my friends here will know of my religious tendencies and how much I've defended it over the years, however now, I really don't give a shit about my religion or going to church anymore....when my mom questions me if my brother and I went to church after the paper route we do every weekend, I just look at her and wave my hand....not really answering her...and before any of you guys starts to think I'm lazy...I lift over 100 pounds of free weights in my school's weight room everyday after school for track and run stadium stairs...so no I'm not a lazy good-for-nothing....
anyway, now that that's out of the way....on with my pointless rant, and if you guys are still reading this, I congradulate you. ^_^ anyway....the next thing that has me bummed is the fact that no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to find a boyfriend at school...now considering that the boys in my school are about 85% prep, 14% jocks, and a mere 1% goth/rocker/skaters, it would be hard to find a guy that would best mesh with my personality, however it just seems that as the years pass, I'm never going to find anyone...this year's big dance for me is the Junior Dinner Dance, which is kind of like a Junior Prom, without the glamour, anyway, I told my mom that I wanted to go with someone to that dance, but I just don't know who I can ask that would actually consider going out with a pathetic, love-sick girl like me...to cover this weakness up, I just tell my parents and myself that I'll just go solo, and that I should stop limiting myself to just the guys in Boyertown, however, every year, to dances like prom and what not, all the girls have dates, all the girls are model-thin, all the girls are pretty....all the girls have guys escourting them who are actually pleased to be their escourt....
*sighs* sorry about that...it's hard for someone like me who's been slightly bigger than normal all their life to not be jealous of other model-thin girls where everyday the only thing they have to do is strut down the hallway in their mini-skirts and AE, A&F, or Aeropastale shirts and they have hoards of guys following at their heels drooling like love-sick puppy dogs. Speaking of clothes, I guess I dress as your average everyday Tomboy...dark faded jeans, black H.I.M., AFI or Bam shirt on, black, white and gray Adio skateboard shoes that have seen better days and a black H.I.M. visor beanie. I know this stuff isn't what high school girls normally wear, but come on, I feel comfortable in this stuff...so that's why I wear it...well my parents just couldn't leave me alone about this...my dad being the worst...it was just one after the other, first he said that I should act more feminine, I should wear make-up, paint my nails bright colors like peach or pink, listen to happier music.....all the time he kept going back to saying that he wasn't critizing me...yeah, sure, then why did it feel like you were?
continuing with the topic, he brought up a situation about jobs, and he compared me to my mom, we both had equal talents, qualifications and the sort, and he had to ask me who I thought would get the job, me, and my Tomboishness, or my mom....then he had to bring up the fact that I didn't have a boyfriend and he kept questioning me as to why I didn't have one, if I wanted one...and that sort of thing, they keep saying all the time that if I brought home a guy who was a really sweet guy, has good intentions and that sort of thing, they'd kick him out of the house and tell him to never come back if he had one piercing, a tattoo, or wore black eyeliner and liked to dress like me....he keeps saying that just because of a dark color, a different style of music and the fact that someone like me works best when on my own, I'm never going to make it in this world....I'll be judged before someone like a snobby cheerleader in which beauty is only skin-deep...just because I'm DIFFERENT my life is going to suck, and I'm going to end up begging for food on the streets....
writing and drawing has become a challenge for me anymore as well...I just don't seem to have any more good ideas, and apparently...it shows, no one wants to read my long drabbles about how two or more people encounter a situation, and this is how they work through it...no one cares about variety, it's hard to write good stories when the field of view for people is limited to certain guidelines and backdrops....besides you can only write so many words with one bottle of ink, and you can only replicate so many dreams before your paint, brushes and cavases run out...as stated above, I don't know why I'm so depressed...all I know is that I am who I am, and I refuse to change myself just because people are too goddamn stubborn to see the whole picture....well, good-night, and thank you for spending your time to read my mindless rant...