Keeping my depression to myself.
Do you ever feel like you have to downplay your depression when you are around close friends or loved ones, because you worry that having to hear about it will only annoy those people?
I should clarify that my own depression isn't nearly as bad as the more serious cases. I've been seeing a therapist, sporadically for at least three years and I have tried medication to various yet ultimately unimpactful ends, but I am able to at least function. I can hold a job, I can get out of bed and shower, I am in a committed relationship, etc.
However, I once again find myself feeling like I can't really discuss some of the darker and more sobering thoughts I'm having with my fiancée or even with my therapist, because I feel like it's all just noise. Self-involved oblivious complaining, when others have it so much worse.
Even now, as I type out this anonymous post, I feel like I have no business talking about how bad I feel when there are people who have so much less than I do. I don't want to get too political (for lack of a better word) but I am a straight white American male. I have plenty of privilege that others don't.
That doesn't mean I don't still have problems, whether they are external or internal, it's just that I know I could be much worse off. A lot of my problems could be seen as self-imposed, and that's kinda why I feel like I shouldn't even bother talking about them.
Our culture has a tendency to take a more prideful approach to everything. All that talk of working hard, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, and so on. Stop complaining and do something to change your situation. No one wants to hear about it. No one wants to talk about it. We're all probably dealing with something, but we force ourselves to do so alone. Asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness.
Don't get me started on the problematic implications that religion brings to the situation, just know that I am more likely to tell you to go fuck yourself, than take you seriously if you suggest I turn to god for help. That's just more platitudinous bullshit people throw around, rather than actually putting forth any effort to help. Thoughts and prayers, my ass.
But that's just another layer in why I tend to keep my problems to myself. I either am ignored; written off as an emotionally immature child, or given ineffective bandaids that do nothing for me; it just makes the other person feel better about themselves.
So yeah, I'm in my early 40s, I'm engaged, and financially stable. My physical health isn't ideal, but it's far from concerning. I have a family that is close enough, but not without the usual levels of infighting. I shouldn't have anything to be depressed about. At least that is how I have been conditioned to think.
Meanwhile, I feel unfulfilled in my personal life when it comes to my career, or lack thereof. I have no passion for anything, so I just keep going from one dead end job after another. I spend all day feeling like I am capable of more, I just have no direction or motivation to find something better. I feel empty when on the clock and rudderless when off.
My relationship status is better than I could have ever hoped for, especially after a previous failed marriage and a lack of experience in general. Still, I worry I am going to screw it up. If that happens, I really don't see myself ever dating again.
I don't know what more else to say, but this is definitely one of those days when I feel completely isolated and embarrassed at myself for being so selfish when others have nothing.
I should clarify that my own depression isn't nearly as bad as the more serious cases. I've been seeing a therapist, sporadically for at least three years and I have tried medication to various yet ultimately unimpactful ends, but I am able to at least function. I can hold a job, I can get out of bed and shower, I am in a committed relationship, etc.
However, I once again find myself feeling like I can't really discuss some of the darker and more sobering thoughts I'm having with my fiancée or even with my therapist, because I feel like it's all just noise. Self-involved oblivious complaining, when others have it so much worse.
Even now, as I type out this anonymous post, I feel like I have no business talking about how bad I feel when there are people who have so much less than I do. I don't want to get too political (for lack of a better word) but I am a straight white American male. I have plenty of privilege that others don't.
That doesn't mean I don't still have problems, whether they are external or internal, it's just that I know I could be much worse off. A lot of my problems could be seen as self-imposed, and that's kinda why I feel like I shouldn't even bother talking about them.
Our culture has a tendency to take a more prideful approach to everything. All that talk of working hard, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, and so on. Stop complaining and do something to change your situation. No one wants to hear about it. No one wants to talk about it. We're all probably dealing with something, but we force ourselves to do so alone. Asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness.
Don't get me started on the problematic implications that religion brings to the situation, just know that I am more likely to tell you to go fuck yourself, than take you seriously if you suggest I turn to god for help. That's just more platitudinous bullshit people throw around, rather than actually putting forth any effort to help. Thoughts and prayers, my ass.
But that's just another layer in why I tend to keep my problems to myself. I either am ignored; written off as an emotionally immature child, or given ineffective bandaids that do nothing for me; it just makes the other person feel better about themselves.
So yeah, I'm in my early 40s, I'm engaged, and financially stable. My physical health isn't ideal, but it's far from concerning. I have a family that is close enough, but not without the usual levels of infighting. I shouldn't have anything to be depressed about. At least that is how I have been conditioned to think.
Meanwhile, I feel unfulfilled in my personal life when it comes to my career, or lack thereof. I have no passion for anything, so I just keep going from one dead end job after another. I spend all day feeling like I am capable of more, I just have no direction or motivation to find something better. I feel empty when on the clock and rudderless when off.
My relationship status is better than I could have ever hoped for, especially after a previous failed marriage and a lack of experience in general. Still, I worry I am going to screw it up. If that happens, I really don't see myself ever dating again.
I don't know what more else to say, but this is definitely one of those days when I feel completely isolated and embarrassed at myself for being so selfish when others have nothing.