these feelings won't go Away, they been knocking me sideways.
It's the 14th of December, and Christmas is in 11 days. In 11 days, I will be the spoiled brat that I am, and get my presents worth hundreds of dollars, that could be used for something useful, or meaningful. Instead, I will open my gifts, say thank you, and my perfect life will continue on into the next year, where it will all happen again. Life's just perfect for some people...isn't it? Well it sure seems that way on the outside. I couldn't possibly ask for anything more, because everything I ask for I get. I couldn't imagine going to the bank and not having anything in my bank account. I can't imagine not having nice things, and being able to go to nice places, and for that I wish the world were different. Why do the rich keep getting richer, and poor keep getting poorer? If that's how the world is going to continue to work, why is no one standing up to stop it? I don't understand why the world isn't perfect. We have the smartest, richest, and most motivated people on the planet living right here, right now, yet nothing changes for the better...why not?
I got home yesterday from fall semester of my sophomore year, it was my least favorite semester so far. I hope it stays that way. I seemed to always be in a bad mood, and people even approached me about it. However, I never seemed to figure out what the problem was in order to fix it and make everything better. I ended up only taking 3 classes which was 9 credits for the semester. That made me inelligable and a part-time student. It's just weird to look at it that way. I did luck out though and have no finals, so I got to cut out early :) I suprised my mom and dad yesterday by coming home a day early. They were really excited! So that in turn made me excited. When I came home my Christmas tree was up (the fake one), and all my mom's other beautiful decorations. It was nice to come home, because I need to start getting into the spirit. It's so much harder when you're in college because you barely get any time to get excited. This year, it should be different, since I do have so much time. Now I have to get shopping!!! I should be getting two A's and B. I hope it works that way.
I'm very dissapointed in how I've been acting recently. This didn't really come to my attention until I had a conversation with one of my friends last night. Basically he showed me what I had been missing, basically he made reality set in. He informed me that the way I see myself is very different than the way others see me. I don't normally care what people think about me, but the fact that he said I was better than that, hit me hard, and made me want to change it all. Well, I really just wanted to take it all back, and defend myself, but I knew that wasn't worth it, and he wouldn't hear it anyway. He's not one for excuses. And obviously, my excuses aren't valid anyway. Therefore, I've decided to go back to when I knew things worked, when I was happy, and when everyone saw me for the good person I was. It's time to get back to being me, and not faking it for everyone else.
I can't say I didn't enjoy the ride being like everybody else, hell it's way easier, and sometimes way more fun. But on the other hand, it's time to get back to what I know and who I've always seen myself becoming. I want to be more than that, and not just so other people see it, but so that I can start respecting myself, because I am better than that, and I deserve to show it and see it.
I really would like to say thank you for the reality check, and although I know we're not as close as we used to be, I'm glad you're able to know when to step in and let me know the truth. As I've been saying recently, "All I need to hear is the truth, trust me I can handle it." And, I truly do believe I can.
I want to make sure I have the strength to do this, but I know I do, because it's really what I want :)
Love always and forever until love no longer exists in the world,
M-Fizzle
I got home yesterday from fall semester of my sophomore year, it was my least favorite semester so far. I hope it stays that way. I seemed to always be in a bad mood, and people even approached me about it. However, I never seemed to figure out what the problem was in order to fix it and make everything better. I ended up only taking 3 classes which was 9 credits for the semester. That made me inelligable and a part-time student. It's just weird to look at it that way. I did luck out though and have no finals, so I got to cut out early :) I suprised my mom and dad yesterday by coming home a day early. They were really excited! So that in turn made me excited. When I came home my Christmas tree was up (the fake one), and all my mom's other beautiful decorations. It was nice to come home, because I need to start getting into the spirit. It's so much harder when you're in college because you barely get any time to get excited. This year, it should be different, since I do have so much time. Now I have to get shopping!!! I should be getting two A's and B. I hope it works that way.
I'm very dissapointed in how I've been acting recently. This didn't really come to my attention until I had a conversation with one of my friends last night. Basically he showed me what I had been missing, basically he made reality set in. He informed me that the way I see myself is very different than the way others see me. I don't normally care what people think about me, but the fact that he said I was better than that, hit me hard, and made me want to change it all. Well, I really just wanted to take it all back, and defend myself, but I knew that wasn't worth it, and he wouldn't hear it anyway. He's not one for excuses. And obviously, my excuses aren't valid anyway. Therefore, I've decided to go back to when I knew things worked, when I was happy, and when everyone saw me for the good person I was. It's time to get back to being me, and not faking it for everyone else.
I can't say I didn't enjoy the ride being like everybody else, hell it's way easier, and sometimes way more fun. But on the other hand, it's time to get back to what I know and who I've always seen myself becoming. I want to be more than that, and not just so other people see it, but so that I can start respecting myself, because I am better than that, and I deserve to show it and see it.
I really would like to say thank you for the reality check, and although I know we're not as close as we used to be, I'm glad you're able to know when to step in and let me know the truth. As I've been saying recently, "All I need to hear is the truth, trust me I can handle it." And, I truly do believe I can.
I want to make sure I have the strength to do this, but I know I do, because it's really what I want :)
Love always and forever until love no longer exists in the world,
M-Fizzle