Heaven Can Wait
CHAPTER 5
Sam sat at the bar swirling his scotch. He wasn't really in the mood to drink, though he wanted for all the world to just be able to pass out right then and not wake until it was time for him to leave this mortal coil. He smiled humorlessly as he took another sip, feeling the ice cubes compete for entrance into his mouth.
He was always like this on this date each year. When he'd first started teaching, no one knew why he took that day off, until it happened for three years in a row and he had to explain himself to the president of the university. For a few years after that, his fellow colleagues had tried to get him to actually go out-like party, get trashed, fuck a girl or two. They'd finally given up and allowed Sam his day, allowed him his need to brood and grieve.
It was October second. Dean's Deathday, as he'd taken to calling it. He always took the day off and took the Impala in for a tune-up, his tribute and gift to his late brother. The new generation at the mechanic shop where Dad had once worked knew him well. They made sure to keep that day free of other appointments so they could spend the entire day on the Impala. Sam was a good customer, a friend.
After car repairs, he usually spent hours beside Dean's makeshift grave in the backyard. There were three small crosses in the backyard and on that day, Sam always grew impatient for his own little mark to lie beside the rest of his family, impatient to be forgotten by all. But the rest of the world didn't matter as long as he got back to his family. He felt guilty for still being alive.
And every night-since his coworkers had let him-he went to a bar downtown, which while populated with the college kids, was more quiet than most bars and everyone pretty much left him alone unless his glass needed refilling.
“Dr. Winchester?”
He glanced up. A boy with white blond hair was walking towards him, a handsome green-eyed boy trailing him.
“Drew.”
“You remember my name.” It was more a statement than a question, but all the same, Sam could hear the surprise in it.
“You really stuck out at that dinner.” How could he forget someone who reminded him so achingly much of Dean? How could he forget that spark that had passed through him, the shock knowing Drew had felt it too.
Drew flushed just the slightest, though in the golden bar light his face only seemed to grow more tan rather than pink. “So, Dr. Winches--”
“Sam, remember?” He smiled softly.
“Right. Sam.” Drew flashed a cheeky grin that only tore at his heart because it was so like Dean's. God, he couldn't handle this. Not today. “Are you celebrating something tonight? I haven't seen you here before. Doesn't seem like the place you'd normally go-not with all us pesky students.”
“Celebrating. Sure. Something like that.” He tried to hide the hurt and bitterness when he thought, yeah, he really was celebrating. Celebrating another year having gone by stable and monotonous, just how he liked. Nothing held any promise or excitement since Dean. “What about you?”
Drew's eyes scrutinized him and Sam was glad when his friend-Josh, now he remembered-broke in.
“Drew's nineteen, today. It's his birthday!” He yelled the last bit and a huge group of young college kids cheered from the corner, clinking glasses and laughing. Someone called for more beer.
Even that got Sam to grin. “Fantastic. Well, don't let me keep you, then. Go have fun with your friends.”
Drew brushed a lock of hair back, and really, he was gorgeous for someone so young. Full lips, high cheekbones, wide hands.
No, he couldn't do that. He wasn't allowed to find anyone attractive. Not ever, especially not this day. Not to mention the kid had just turned nineteen.
Nineteen. It was the nineteenth anniversary of Dean's death. Yeah, absolutely not. There were way too many things that reminded him of Dean and he couldn't deal with that. He turned his head back to his drink, fully expecting Drew to go back to his friends.
Instead, he pushed a little at Josh who made a 'what the hell' kind of expression and then shrugged, going back to the group. He sat up on the stool next to Sam and gestured for a drink from the bartender.
Sam looked at him confused. “Your friends will miss you. You don't have to keep an old man like me company.”
Drew's face scrunched up in a look of disgust and rolled his eyes. “You're not old, Sam. Besides, give them all another beer or two and it'll go from being my birthday to just another night.”
“But still--”
“Don't worry about them. Or me.” He lay fingertips on Sam's wrist for a moment. “You look like you could use a friend. Or just an ear.”
When Sam said nothing, just stared at where those fingers had been, Drew continued, “Or, you don't have to say anything. I'm cool with drinking in silence. I like to do that myself, sometimes. When I'm not picking up guys and all.” He gave a lewd wink.
Sam couldn't help gaping. This kid was gay? Sam was sure the only straighter-seeming man he'd ever met was Dean. Josh, he could tell. That boy was strong and silent, but still reeked of unbridled male passion. Drew though...well, actually, he just radiated pure sex.
Stop that! he told himself.
“Hope that doesn't bug you or anything,” Drew added.
“Not at all,” Sam recovered quickly.
“Didn't think it would.” Sam narrowed his eyes slightly. “Anyway. You want to talk or just drink?”
He had just gotten his fresh beer and twisted the cap off, swallowing down the liquid, lips obscenely wrapped around the top and Adam's apple bobbing up and down. Sam groaned inwardly. He really couldn't afford to develop some kind of sexual attraction to a kid half his age.
Sam turned his head back down again, going back to swirling his drink, but he caught Drew shrug out of the corner of his eye. He took a deep breath.
“It's...I'm celebrating the death of someone I love, today.”
Drew glanced back over at him. “Yeah? Seems an odd thing to celebrate, but ok. I bet he's happy you're thinking about him.”
“Him?” Sam asked sharply.
“Please. Don't try to fool me. I can spot a man who likes men a mile away-if not more-and even then, I just get the vibe that you lost someone male.”
Sam wasn't so sure about that, but he'd learned some people had very good intuition. And he trusted Drew's for some reason. Not to mention he was right.
“Yeah, a guy.”
“See? Told ya.” He smirked, pink lips curling. “So, who was he?”
“My...” Sam wasn't sure. Did it seem like he'd lost a lover? Or family? No way was anyone ever finding out about the both parts of that question. He might feel really comfortable with this kid, but no one could understand what he and Dean had had. “My brother.”
“Family, huh? I can't imagine. I mean, for all the times as a kid I wished my dad were dead, I never really meant it. Not to mention, I've always wanted a brother.” He took another swig of beer. His eyes seemed to fall on Sam's hands which were twisting around themselves. Sam stilled them, holding onto his glass harder.
“A brother? No siblings then?”
“Nope. And you know, it's like something's always been missing. Like, there was supposed to be someone else and he's been missing my whole life. Or she, I guess.”
Sam looked up completely, staring at Drew's profile. “I know exactly what you mean. Ever since he died...it's like my other half's missing. I really...I really miss him.”
“Was his name Dean?”
“What?” Sam was startled.
“I just remember, when we met, you called me Dean.”
“Oh, God, you remember that?”
A sheepish grin. “Yeah.”
Sam thought. Might as well go for broke. “Yeah. Yeah, his name was Dean.”
Drew nodded.
This was shocking to him. He'd never spoke about Dean like this. Not to anyone but himself or Dean's cross. Dean in life would have rushed over it, never comfortable with emotions and all that girly crap, and he'd never found someone he could be open with before. Funny it would end up being some college student, who reminded him so much of his late brother. Then again, that could be why.
“But you,” comfortable or not, Sam had to push this conversation elsewhere or he'd start crying and he hadn't done that since the day Dean had actually died, “You'll find someone to make that emptiness go away. You'll find a great guy and together you'll do amazing things.”
“What about you?” Drew asked, eagle-eyed.
“Hmmm?” Sam asked, taking a sip of his now watered down liquor.
“What about you? Where's your man?”
“I think uh...I think we won't go into that, ok? I am still a professor.” Sam shifted, more uncomfortable 'cause how could he explain his love had died, too? It could lead to awkward questions.
“Yeah, ok.” He drained the last of his beer and Drew's tongue snuck out to lick at the last traces, wetting his lips. “Well, I think Josh's look could get pretty dangerous here, so I guess I'll head back.” He stood, and without seeming thought to what it might look like, he pushed Sam's bangs away from his face and behind his ear. That same shock that he'd felt before now echoed from head to toe.
Sam's head whipped around to Drew fast. His eyes were glowing a deep green that reflected the surrounding light.
“If you ever want someone to talk to, you can find me.”
“Happy birthday,” Sam said numbly and watched as a very handsome backside walked away. He shouldn't feel reassured by a just turned nineteen-year-old telling him he was there to talk to. That was wrong in so many ways. And betrayed Dean.
“Christ,” he groaned, closing his eyes and sinking his head into his hands.
The bartender smiled sympathetically.
Chapter 6