silverstein?
so i'm in computer graphics, as i normally am when writing in here. listening to nick's silverstein CD. and i'll have to say i like it. its kinda weird. its like random harsh vocals with some dashboardishness mixed in there. but like...thrice instrumentals...its weird. but its good. i sorta wish that he used the harsh vocals a bit more often but it makes me listen closer.
rhys just came by. i must admit, i thoroughly enjoy walking out into the hallway to head out to lunch...like i do everyday...and seeing him just standing there with his hands in his pockets. its pretty flippin SUHWEEt. on the other hand. what isn't pretty flipping sweet is that i have Government in about 1/2 an hour. its gonna suck. i'm aggravated half the time, at the people around me that can't just shut their mouth and realize they AREN'T better than everyone else...and the other half i'm distracted by everything. people next to me. my sketchbook. the ceiling. any form of inanimate object. even people that aren't present at the time ;) ... i cannOT control my mind in that class. it wanders all over the place and i have no ability to stop it.
i stopped caring about this whole "oh boo hoo this friendship is actually over" thing about a year before it even happened. they act like what i say really upsets them. if it isn't an act, that would mean that they still care. but pride is apparently preventing them from even bothering to say anything to me about it. i think its obvious to anyone who ever saw all of us hanging out, that i basically stuck out like a sore thumb. i actually had bad hair days. i actually didn't match seventeen magazine with perfection. and i actually spent time with other people who didn't either. i didn't kiss the feet of any preppy socker player or cheerleader, or the biceps of any football players. i don't think they're better than me. and i don't know why most people get that feeling. if one of them will ask me to lend them a pencil, i DO NOT feel obliged to actually lend one. yes. it would be the nice thing to do. and yes, i would probably do it. but not because they deserve it. i don't give everyone who wants a ride home a ride home...because i don't really give a shit if they have to wait around school three hours. especially if they're the same people who once walked by me while i was eating all by myself my first year. or sitting far away from anyone else in a classroom. they can sit alone at school. and see how life feels when you aren't surrounded by people that [don't actually] love you to death and actually [dont] give a flying fuck. when u die. u fuckin die alone. so why make yourself surrounded by tons of people all the time? they won't die with u.
i'm ranting as i usually do. but i cannot describe how much social hierarchy gets to me. how someone who isn't really alll "that popular" dies. or kills himself. and then someone else who "is" dies as well.
it angers me when i hear all of these "celebrate 'so and so' because they're gone now" days for all the football players or cheerleaders...or just people that everyone knows or thinks is really funny. the quiet one. with genuine opinions on the world. with a soul overflowing with emotion. and he can't find any place to deposit it...he dies. and people barely give a shit. even admin act different. yeah i AM extremely judgmental. and yes, i am aware of football players and cheerleaders who commit suicide. i know they're empty too. i've experienced a few football players killing themselves actually. but the reactions...the mourning...has so much more grandeur. more glory. more "he was amazing" "he always made my day"...<= he always made your day!? and did you ever fuckin return the favor? apparently not.
the quiet one with the awkward haircut or the never ending silence on his lips... its like a foreshadowing of how people will react when he's gone.
i think too much. i'm gonna stop now.
rhys just came by. i must admit, i thoroughly enjoy walking out into the hallway to head out to lunch...like i do everyday...and seeing him just standing there with his hands in his pockets. its pretty flippin SUHWEEt. on the other hand. what isn't pretty flipping sweet is that i have Government in about 1/2 an hour. its gonna suck. i'm aggravated half the time, at the people around me that can't just shut their mouth and realize they AREN'T better than everyone else...and the other half i'm distracted by everything. people next to me. my sketchbook. the ceiling. any form of inanimate object. even people that aren't present at the time ;) ... i cannOT control my mind in that class. it wanders all over the place and i have no ability to stop it.
i stopped caring about this whole "oh boo hoo this friendship is actually over" thing about a year before it even happened. they act like what i say really upsets them. if it isn't an act, that would mean that they still care. but pride is apparently preventing them from even bothering to say anything to me about it. i think its obvious to anyone who ever saw all of us hanging out, that i basically stuck out like a sore thumb. i actually had bad hair days. i actually didn't match seventeen magazine with perfection. and i actually spent time with other people who didn't either. i didn't kiss the feet of any preppy socker player or cheerleader, or the biceps of any football players. i don't think they're better than me. and i don't know why most people get that feeling. if one of them will ask me to lend them a pencil, i DO NOT feel obliged to actually lend one. yes. it would be the nice thing to do. and yes, i would probably do it. but not because they deserve it. i don't give everyone who wants a ride home a ride home...because i don't really give a shit if they have to wait around school three hours. especially if they're the same people who once walked by me while i was eating all by myself my first year. or sitting far away from anyone else in a classroom. they can sit alone at school. and see how life feels when you aren't surrounded by people that [don't actually] love you to death and actually [dont] give a flying fuck. when u die. u fuckin die alone. so why make yourself surrounded by tons of people all the time? they won't die with u.
i'm ranting as i usually do. but i cannot describe how much social hierarchy gets to me. how someone who isn't really alll "that popular" dies. or kills himself. and then someone else who "is" dies as well.
it angers me when i hear all of these "celebrate 'so and so' because they're gone now" days for all the football players or cheerleaders...or just people that everyone knows or thinks is really funny. the quiet one. with genuine opinions on the world. with a soul overflowing with emotion. and he can't find any place to deposit it...he dies. and people barely give a shit. even admin act different. yeah i AM extremely judgmental. and yes, i am aware of football players and cheerleaders who commit suicide. i know they're empty too. i've experienced a few football players killing themselves actually. but the reactions...the mourning...has so much more grandeur. more glory. more "he was amazing" "he always made my day"...<= he always made your day!? and did you ever fuckin return the favor? apparently not.
the quiet one with the awkward haircut or the never ending silence on his lips... its like a foreshadowing of how people will react when he's gone.
i think too much. i'm gonna stop now.