my horoscope is a liar
they said I would have a stellar day. bullshit. Thomas and I just broke up. He finally came here to talk and it just came out, that he didn't think this was working. And after hearing what he said I agreed. I mean he made complete sense. He said that we don't spend that much time together outside of us "being" together and that he didn't want me to think he was taken advantage of me. He said that people mention to him how he was acting wrong towards me and while he didn't care what people thought about him, he didn't want his actions to hurt me by influencing people's opinions of me. He said that we both don't have time to really work on this. And he's right. I owe it to myself to be with someone I can give my time to and that he can do the same. But it's so not the simple. He still likes me and I still like him but the way it's going now it's just not working. And this isn't just me agreeing with him. I had been thinking lately that we didn't really go out or do much with one another, other than sleep together (which sounds so cheap but there was a lot of emotion put into that)...but that's not what makes a relationship continue. And I was reading all the posts I've written about him and me and half the time it was me complaining about something that he did. And he acknowledges that he was acting in a way that did make it look like I was chasing him and that it didn't look to other that we were in a relationship and he doesn't know why. He said that right now he hasn't been putting effort in anything, and I know that's true b/c he's been feeling apathetic about school...he didn't want it to be that way with me. I don't know, like I feel like we might end up back together. But I'm not going to push it. He said things that made me think that in the future it's a possibility...but he has to be right for me for that to happen and I'm not going to beg. He said that we never know when our lives will connect again, and he even said that cliche (that his friend gave to him as advice) that if you care about someone you have to let them go...but like I told him I tried that and it doesn't work. And then when he was talking about how we don't spend time together I said, so you're breaking up with a fuck buddy...sort of as a joke but I wanted to see how his reaction was and he told me to not think that that was how he saw me...(it was just how our relationship ended up being, he didn't say that last part). I keep thinking that if I hadn't gotten upset on saturday or this or that...but it's not any of those things. Everything he said is true. And we can only go on and see if we will end up together again. It just hurts, you know? I mean, I'm always going to remember him, it's not like he's just a random boyfriend. He was my first and as corny as it might be that's important to me. I'm just going to miss the togetherness that we had. But supposedly we're still suppose to stay friends. I really hope so. He's such a good person. I don't want to lose the friendship either. And he and jackie are suppose to be friends but he feels ackward around her, but he said that wouldn't happen with us. I hope not. I mean b/c we will see each other. When DSP is over he'll be back at LIVE meetings, plus he's on the committees for both the mlk and cinco de mayo thing. And we both are friends with the same people. I feel different than when richard and I went on that break (see how I know about letting go). With richard there was like desperation. I'm glad it's not like that now. Now I'm just sad b/c it's all true. And maybe I should have been the one to bring it up not him, but I was willing to just live with the arguements and the only seeing each other a few times...I think a lot of that especially not asking for time with one another has to do with the fact that I don't want to seem like I need someone. Which might have just come to bite me in the ass...but I'm paranoid about that so what can you do. For now, I'm going to be sad and I'm going to fight the tears when I have to explain to people about our breakup and I'm going to just focus on school and my other priorities. Because he's right if it's suppose to happen then we will end up together...I'm just going to miss having him. And I can only hope that his apathy changes into missing me or something like that...b/c I do want to be with him but I want it to be right. He said that I was unexpected...and that I wasn't worth his tears. lol he was unexpected too...I really didn't see me falling for him I remembered how suprised I was when I first got butterflies seeing him. And he is worth my tears...even if we just stay friends, we'll always have a connection. ::sigh:: breaking up sucks.