yeah, i know...
rant:
i feel like crying and laughing at myself for crying. i feel like i have no control of my emotions and most of the time i dont understand them. whatthefuck? i feel like a fucking stranger.
the worst fucking part is that it all goes right back to him. if he wasnt my best friend i'd really hate him. i wish i knew how he really felt but then what would i do with that. i wish i knew what the fuck i wanted! i just want things the way they can't be and even then i'd be wanting something else. it's mostly like i dont want him but i dont want him to be with anyone else. selfish. then life gave me yet another fuck you, and is sending the other boy away. fuck you life.
right away i get that feeling i wanna run away somewhere far, do SOMETHING! sometimes i feel like the life i have is just an escape from reality, but lately i haven't had the feel of being anywhere close to reality. so i'm just stuck here dreaming.
well, i either need to stop doing drugs or start doing more.
============
survey:
what did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
lived/tired to adjust in another country
broke my heart when i lost my dad.
having four boys as my best friends.
met a lot people from around the world.
fell for a friend and didnt fuck up the friendship.
went to raves and tired new drugs.
did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
not on purpose.
?did anyone close to you give birth?
i dont think so.
did anyone close to you die?
too many.
what countries did you visit?
went back to the states for a visit.
what would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
a calm and relaxing year. HEATHY relationship with a boy or two. find something to do that i really love.
what date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
april29-my dad. dec17-my year living in mexico. some didnt think i would make it.
what was your biggest achievement of the year?
moving to mexico. finding the friends i have. still breathing.
what was your biggest failure?
not going school. grrr.
did you suffer illness or injury?
brokenheart.
what was the best thing you bought?
drugs.
who's behavior merited celebration?
i dont know.
who's behavior made you appalled and depressed?
ew, my own.
where did most of your money go?
drugs. food. booze. raves.
what did you get really, really, really excited about?
going out and exploring this crazy city. going to visit my friends back home!!
what song will always remind you of 2004?
foat on, modest mouse. hands down.
compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder?
hard one. more depressed. but things have happen this year to make me very sad and things that have made me very happy. so i guess i'm still finding a balance.
thinner or fatter?
thinner. woohoo!
richer or poorer?
poorer.
what do you wish you'd done more of?
remembered more stuff. gone to more cultural things. been more independent.
what do you wish you'd done less of?
thinking of boys. falling for the WRONG boys.
how will you be spending christmas?
drunk in barcelona.
How will you be spending New Years?
fucked up.
did you fall in love in 2004?
it was more like a sick infatuation.
How many one-night stands?
just one or two.
what was your favorite tv program?
los simpsons.
do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
naw, i dont bother hating someone. they just dont matter.
what was the best book you read?
fear and loathing in las vegas.
what was your greatest musical discovery?
cafe tacuba.
infected mushroom.
what did you want and get?
loving friends
everything new and different, to me.
drugs.
what did you want and not get?
the boy. a school. time.
what was your favorite film of this year?
that i saw this..
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
life without me
lucia y el sexo
rane
novo
what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
for the 20th that i didnt want to turn, i smoked a lot of weed with my friends.
what could have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not losing the people i lost and not always missing someone.
how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
more vintage t shirts and jeans and flip flops.
what kept you sane?
my friends. music. mini art projects. my camera. my physiologist.
which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
jake gyllenhaal. gael garcia. carlos d. james dean.
what political issue stirred you the most?
the election.
who did you miss?
my dad. california and just a few people back home. a lot.
who was the best new person you met?
MY BOYS. allan, genaro, luis and really got to know my cousin mon. la banda pacheca.
tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
life sucks, so you just gotta enjoy the little good things you've got instead of focusing on the shitty parts.
quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"love is just an excuse to get hurt"
"i've got a hunger and i can't seem to get full"
"bad news come dont worry where it lands. good news will work its way in our plans"
"i wanna remember to remember to forget that you forgot me"
i feel like crying and laughing at myself for crying. i feel like i have no control of my emotions and most of the time i dont understand them. whatthefuck? i feel like a fucking stranger.
the worst fucking part is that it all goes right back to him. if he wasnt my best friend i'd really hate him. i wish i knew how he really felt but then what would i do with that. i wish i knew what the fuck i wanted! i just want things the way they can't be and even then i'd be wanting something else. it's mostly like i dont want him but i dont want him to be with anyone else. selfish. then life gave me yet another fuck you, and is sending the other boy away. fuck you life.
right away i get that feeling i wanna run away somewhere far, do SOMETHING! sometimes i feel like the life i have is just an escape from reality, but lately i haven't had the feel of being anywhere close to reality. so i'm just stuck here dreaming.
well, i either need to stop doing drugs or start doing more.
============
survey:
what did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
lived/tired to adjust in another country
broke my heart when i lost my dad.
having four boys as my best friends.
met a lot people from around the world.
fell for a friend and didnt fuck up the friendship.
went to raves and tired new drugs.
did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
not on purpose.
?did anyone close to you give birth?
i dont think so.
did anyone close to you die?
too many.
what countries did you visit?
went back to the states for a visit.
what would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
a calm and relaxing year. HEATHY relationship with a boy or two. find something to do that i really love.
what date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
april29-my dad. dec17-my year living in mexico. some didnt think i would make it.
what was your biggest achievement of the year?
moving to mexico. finding the friends i have. still breathing.
what was your biggest failure?
not going school. grrr.
did you suffer illness or injury?
brokenheart.
what was the best thing you bought?
drugs.
who's behavior merited celebration?
i dont know.
who's behavior made you appalled and depressed?
ew, my own.
where did most of your money go?
drugs. food. booze. raves.
what did you get really, really, really excited about?
going out and exploring this crazy city. going to visit my friends back home!!
what song will always remind you of 2004?
foat on, modest mouse. hands down.
compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder?
hard one. more depressed. but things have happen this year to make me very sad and things that have made me very happy. so i guess i'm still finding a balance.
thinner or fatter?
thinner. woohoo!
richer or poorer?
poorer.
what do you wish you'd done more of?
remembered more stuff. gone to more cultural things. been more independent.
what do you wish you'd done less of?
thinking of boys. falling for the WRONG boys.
how will you be spending christmas?
drunk in barcelona.
How will you be spending New Years?
fucked up.
did you fall in love in 2004?
it was more like a sick infatuation.
How many one-night stands?
just one or two.
what was your favorite tv program?
los simpsons.
do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
naw, i dont bother hating someone. they just dont matter.
what was the best book you read?
fear and loathing in las vegas.
what was your greatest musical discovery?
cafe tacuba.
infected mushroom.
what did you want and get?
loving friends
everything new and different, to me.
drugs.
what did you want and not get?
the boy. a school. time.
what was your favorite film of this year?
that i saw this..
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
life without me
lucia y el sexo
rane
novo
what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
for the 20th that i didnt want to turn, i smoked a lot of weed with my friends.
what could have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not losing the people i lost and not always missing someone.
how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
more vintage t shirts and jeans and flip flops.
what kept you sane?
my friends. music. mini art projects. my camera. my physiologist.
which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
jake gyllenhaal. gael garcia. carlos d. james dean.
what political issue stirred you the most?
the election.
who did you miss?
my dad. california and just a few people back home. a lot.
who was the best new person you met?
MY BOYS. allan, genaro, luis and really got to know my cousin mon. la banda pacheca.
tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:
life sucks, so you just gotta enjoy the little good things you've got instead of focusing on the shitty parts.
quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"love is just an excuse to get hurt"
"i've got a hunger and i can't seem to get full"
"bad news come dont worry where it lands. good news will work its way in our plans"
"i wanna remember to remember to forget that you forgot me"