eec
eeeeeekk, i hate being angered/sad/depressed. it sucks, i get it from my mom, who gets it from her mom. theres 3 kinds of depression.. one kind you bring on yourself,for example,your boyfriend breaks up with you, you might become depressed for a while... another one youre born with.. and the 3rd one i cant remember if my life depended on it. but me and my mom have the kind youre born with. so we really cant escape it. it just really suck because the littlest thing will depress you. its kind of like youre at a constant depression. and it doesnt help when something horrible actually does happen to you b/c it just makes you even more depressed. theres certain things that are always on my mind, and i cant get them out my head. like what josh did to me, that happened so long ago and i cant get it out of my head, i think about everyday, almost every instant of the day. we could be takling about, i dont know anything, not even relating to that, and i guarantee im think about that. it really sucks. i get so angry about it sometimes i literally want to destroy everything around me, i can feel the anger inside me just start to build up and i just want to throw things through the window break everything in sight, just trash things. and it really sucks when i see her. its not HER that actually starts to anger me, its just that its already on my mind, and when i see her it just makes something trigger inside me even more, and it makes me so angry, and then i start thinking abuot it even more, and i get stupid fucking pictures in my head. and i start thinking, what if theyve done things before and its still kept from me? how do i know? i mean he talked to her on the phone until the wee hours of everynight, why cant you call me? when he went to california for 2 weeks, he called her everynight.. i talked to him 2, maybe 3 times. it just makes it seem like they had more than a friendship going on, and they were trying to hid it, well it just seems that way now that i know everything. oooh it angers me. and one time when i got off work chelsea called me and told me that everyone(her,andrew,josh,omar,cecilia,zach&rhonda) were at hooters and i should come. so i went. and when i walk in i see josh and cecilia sitting next to eachother takling and laughing, and theres nothing wrong with that, but as soon as they saw me, they suddenly stopped.. moved away from eachother and stopped talking. ok just b/c i walked into the room, you dont have to stop talking. it just makes it seem like theyre hidding more from me. like they think ill kill them if i see them talking to eachother. ahhh. some of me wishes i never found out so i wouldnt have to go through this everyday, but more of me is glad i did b/c theres no telling what else they might be doing if i never found out. arrgggg sorry guys if you read all of this, not really a fun entry, just had to write it.