Anger is like a soul that gets things accomplished.
I was just thinking about the various greetings people give - a wave, a handshake, a hug.
Since my breakdown I've been much more open to the concept of 'the hug'. And I wondered why... This recent trip closed shut some of the final open emotional wounds I've had, and laid rest, in part, to some burdens. It has given me the opportunity to become self-reflective in different ways.
Why do I greet people in certain ways, act differently than I desire? On the surface, this seems like a dumb question, but remember, I have only been actively choosing my actions for about 18 months.
Anger is like a soul that gets things done.
Hrm.
In the past, I've always curtailed my anger - it was the one emotion untouched by my escapism and subsequent repression. I'm not saying I'm an angry guy, not by a long shot. But rather, it was always the wild-card in my emotional hand. In primary & high school I would get bullied for a couple reasons, but I'm fairly sure my non-resistance to it was a factor. Until I resisted, of course, beat the crap out them and got sent to the principles'/suspended more than a few times.
I've made a comment on an earlier LJ post about bullying about how the real world isn't like school - and it isn't. But it can be bothersome that some of the people we have to deal with in the work place do not realise this, and require action in the same manner as 15 years ago.
Why do I curtail some responses/actions? Lack of inebriation is a common cause :-P
This isn't going to be one of those "I've realised I'm a pussy and now I'm going to speak my mind" posts that we have all read on occasion. I hope. Those posts suck, and are rarely followed through, much like New Year's resolutions. Which I'm actively against - if you want to change, change. You don't need New Years to do it, and you need to stop making excuses.
Where was I? Um... right. It is easier to accomplish things with anger. Anger is an interesting variation of confidence. We have 4 primary responses (the 4 "F"s) - flight, fight, feeding and fuck. Anger and confidence both seem to allow us to fight - to challenge what is difficult to us. I've always treated anger as an easy way out, almost a cheat. I suppose in some ways it is, because it comes with the downside of uncontrollability. Know those people that get angry/stressed all the time? I wonder how they live like that.
At Kandace's party I saw that stupid whore Kat again. I said nothing. I remember when I used to say "Don't touch me". I remember saying "Don't hurt me". I remember her being a lot thinner too... (but that last was just petty, and I do apologise to the peanut gallery for that). I said nothing that night. 6 years have passed... Has anything really changed?
I saw Michael there, and remembered how much I had let go... and was glad I had. It doesn't matter any more.
I spent three weeks with Colin, a needed break from traveling. It was funny - still friends... 9 years have passed... And I still laughed at all the fat Wendy jokes he made at my expense... bastard :-P
At Kandace's party I happened to talk about some the people who don't like me, and you know - in a way it made me laugh inside. There are so many people I know desperate for everyone to like them, desperate for attention, bad choices are sometimes made.
And it is in interesting distinction about the who. I mean, who/how I let such bother me with. Actually, that is an interesting side point: those who want something desperately frequently do not get it (friendship, respect), but those who actively avoid it, somehow manage to collect it...
Sometimes, I think I know too many people in Perth. I was in a bookshop in Freo the other day, and I saw this big guy, buck teeth, looked (and sounded) as dumb as a box or rocks... had a friend with him, and he (not the friend) looked familiar to me, but I couldn't place him. It was bugging me, 'cause I'm certain I knew him from somewhere... Europe maybe? As I turned away, I think I accidentally caught his eye, but it was too late, I had already moved on to some other books. I kept an ear open though, and heard them say something about/to Jerry. I mentally shrugged and ignored them, obviously they didn't know me then. A few moments later I hear one of them call out to Terry a couple times, then after a brief moment the guy I thought I recognized hands me a book called "Moral Dilemmas" and said "he wanted you to have this". "Um...oookaaay..." I replied, and he left. Now, I wasn't scared - unnerved, maybe (I mean, who was this guy? Did I give him a fake name at one point? Why would someone start something in a bookshop?) - the whole thing just seemed kind of surreal and scripted. Who did I tell that my name was Terry? This one is going to keep me up at night. Maybe I should have drunk less beer. :-P
Dammit, I'm starting to ramble again. Oh, right, right, interactions. Bugger, I was sitting outside, drinking CC&dry, reading Gaiman when I had this good idea for a ramble, and by the time I get down to here, it's started to slip away.
One of the problems with being a rambler, is that it gives fewer opportunities for listening, and I do enjoy listening. I didn't really use to do it so much before.
Okay, I've completely lost the plot with this entry, so I'm going to attempt to organize my week. TTFN!
Since my breakdown I've been much more open to the concept of 'the hug'. And I wondered why... This recent trip closed shut some of the final open emotional wounds I've had, and laid rest, in part, to some burdens. It has given me the opportunity to become self-reflective in different ways.
Why do I greet people in certain ways, act differently than I desire? On the surface, this seems like a dumb question, but remember, I have only been actively choosing my actions for about 18 months.
Anger is like a soul that gets things done.
Hrm.
In the past, I've always curtailed my anger - it was the one emotion untouched by my escapism and subsequent repression. I'm not saying I'm an angry guy, not by a long shot. But rather, it was always the wild-card in my emotional hand. In primary & high school I would get bullied for a couple reasons, but I'm fairly sure my non-resistance to it was a factor. Until I resisted, of course, beat the crap out them and got sent to the principles'/suspended more than a few times.
I've made a comment on an earlier LJ post about bullying about how the real world isn't like school - and it isn't. But it can be bothersome that some of the people we have to deal with in the work place do not realise this, and require action in the same manner as 15 years ago.
Why do I curtail some responses/actions? Lack of inebriation is a common cause :-P
This isn't going to be one of those "I've realised I'm a pussy and now I'm going to speak my mind" posts that we have all read on occasion. I hope. Those posts suck, and are rarely followed through, much like New Year's resolutions. Which I'm actively against - if you want to change, change. You don't need New Years to do it, and you need to stop making excuses.
Where was I? Um... right. It is easier to accomplish things with anger. Anger is an interesting variation of confidence. We have 4 primary responses (the 4 "F"s) - flight, fight, feeding and fuck. Anger and confidence both seem to allow us to fight - to challenge what is difficult to us. I've always treated anger as an easy way out, almost a cheat. I suppose in some ways it is, because it comes with the downside of uncontrollability. Know those people that get angry/stressed all the time? I wonder how they live like that.
At Kandace's party I saw that stupid whore Kat again. I said nothing. I remember when I used to say "Don't touch me". I remember saying "Don't hurt me". I remember her being a lot thinner too... (but that last was just petty, and I do apologise to the peanut gallery for that). I said nothing that night. 6 years have passed... Has anything really changed?
I saw Michael there, and remembered how much I had let go... and was glad I had. It doesn't matter any more.
I spent three weeks with Colin, a needed break from traveling. It was funny - still friends... 9 years have passed... And I still laughed at all the fat Wendy jokes he made at my expense... bastard :-P
At Kandace's party I happened to talk about some the people who don't like me, and you know - in a way it made me laugh inside. There are so many people I know desperate for everyone to like them, desperate for attention, bad choices are sometimes made.
And it is in interesting distinction about the who. I mean, who/how I let such bother me with. Actually, that is an interesting side point: those who want something desperately frequently do not get it (friendship, respect), but those who actively avoid it, somehow manage to collect it...
Sometimes, I think I know too many people in Perth. I was in a bookshop in Freo the other day, and I saw this big guy, buck teeth, looked (and sounded) as dumb as a box or rocks... had a friend with him, and he (not the friend) looked familiar to me, but I couldn't place him. It was bugging me, 'cause I'm certain I knew him from somewhere... Europe maybe? As I turned away, I think I accidentally caught his eye, but it was too late, I had already moved on to some other books. I kept an ear open though, and heard them say something about/to Jerry. I mentally shrugged and ignored them, obviously they didn't know me then. A few moments later I hear one of them call out to Terry a couple times, then after a brief moment the guy I thought I recognized hands me a book called "Moral Dilemmas" and said "he wanted you to have this". "Um...oookaaay..." I replied, and he left. Now, I wasn't scared - unnerved, maybe (I mean, who was this guy? Did I give him a fake name at one point? Why would someone start something in a bookshop?) - the whole thing just seemed kind of surreal and scripted. Who did I tell that my name was Terry? This one is going to keep me up at night. Maybe I should have drunk less beer. :-P
Dammit, I'm starting to ramble again. Oh, right, right, interactions. Bugger, I was sitting outside, drinking CC&dry, reading Gaiman when I had this good idea for a ramble, and by the time I get down to here, it's started to slip away.
One of the problems with being a rambler, is that it gives fewer opportunities for listening, and I do enjoy listening. I didn't really use to do it so much before.
Okay, I've completely lost the plot with this entry, so I'm going to attempt to organize my week. TTFN!