Old wounds
It's funny how there was a time when I used to think that some wounds wouldn't fade with time. Once upon a time, I felt as though the things that once pained me would continue to hurt just as badly for the rest of my life. I genuinely believed that my life would become just a carcass littered with painful scars that would remain there until the day I died - never relenting and never ceasing.
I was very very wrong.
Yesterday I moved back home from school and will be living at home for the next 4 months while I work at a nearby college for my co-op term. Because of that, I had an opportunity today to look through my drawers for the first time in a really long time - probably since grade 11. And wow, let me tell you, it's really weird. I'm finding stuff that I couldn't even remember having. Like, why did I keep an old broken moodring? And why didn't I ever burn this candle that I got as a present for Christmas in 2008?
And then I found it: the McDuff washcloth. Now, incase I never did write about it, let me explain. When Shawn went in Australia for a summer, I asked him to get me a souvenier because, as a preteen, going anyplace outside of Canada seemed like a great feat and Australia especially seemed like a lifetime away. And what did he bring back? A washcloth that he found stranded on a beach that said McDuff. I remember being more than a little unimpressed with this souvenier, despite how funny he thought it was. Like really Shawn, you couldn't have just went and bought me a keychain or a shirt like a normal person? You had to bring me home some washcloth that was likely thrown out in the garbage at one time? Either way, I kept this washcloth on my dresser. When he passed away though, I must have thrown it in my bottom drawer because looking at it hurt too much. The same goes for the moodring, and the number of other treasures that I found in there from times long past. Whenever something turned from a good memory into a painful reminder, I just stuffed it in the drawer. It seems like a really stupid response when I think about it now, but as a kid, I guess it made sense.
When I look at these things now, I don't feel the same sharp pain that I did back then. Yes, it may bring back memories, but most of the time, it's the happier times that stand out to me. It's not the fact that I was pissed off about my souvenier from Australia that really sticks out - although thinking about that makes me laugh because I realize now how cheap he was (just like me nowadays) - but how proud he was when I showed him the soccer championship trophy that my team won that summer and how he trapped me in my room shortly after he came home by licking every door knob and shutting the doors from the outside.
Yes, some memories still hurt and are more fresh then others, and yes, some pain will never completely go away. But life is so much more than pain. I am 22 and while it's true that I've experienced some awful things in my life, I also feel like I've made so many good memories with the people I've met, the places I've been, and the things that I've done. Even during the bad times, there were always small moments that made me smile too; staying up until dawn talking on the phone; creating complex, overly complicated stories; graduating high school after clawing your way back up to earn that dipolma; going camping with my friends and watching the stars; laughing with co-workers about something stupidly funny that you just saw; playing with my dogs in a field; learning about things in university that I could have only dreamed about understanding when I was younger. All of these things help encourage me to keep going and in a way, distract me from the bad things that happen and have happened to me. They help give me the strength to keep moving forward and to not keep constantly looking back with regret and sadness.
It's true that life isn't perfect and that it never will be, but never forget to look at the good things and give yourself permission to enjoy them. Trust me, it can make an awful moment into a better one that one day you can look back on with a smile.
I was very very wrong.
Yesterday I moved back home from school and will be living at home for the next 4 months while I work at a nearby college for my co-op term. Because of that, I had an opportunity today to look through my drawers for the first time in a really long time - probably since grade 11. And wow, let me tell you, it's really weird. I'm finding stuff that I couldn't even remember having. Like, why did I keep an old broken moodring? And why didn't I ever burn this candle that I got as a present for Christmas in 2008?
And then I found it: the McDuff washcloth. Now, incase I never did write about it, let me explain. When Shawn went in Australia for a summer, I asked him to get me a souvenier because, as a preteen, going anyplace outside of Canada seemed like a great feat and Australia especially seemed like a lifetime away. And what did he bring back? A washcloth that he found stranded on a beach that said McDuff. I remember being more than a little unimpressed with this souvenier, despite how funny he thought it was. Like really Shawn, you couldn't have just went and bought me a keychain or a shirt like a normal person? You had to bring me home some washcloth that was likely thrown out in the garbage at one time? Either way, I kept this washcloth on my dresser. When he passed away though, I must have thrown it in my bottom drawer because looking at it hurt too much. The same goes for the moodring, and the number of other treasures that I found in there from times long past. Whenever something turned from a good memory into a painful reminder, I just stuffed it in the drawer. It seems like a really stupid response when I think about it now, but as a kid, I guess it made sense.
When I look at these things now, I don't feel the same sharp pain that I did back then. Yes, it may bring back memories, but most of the time, it's the happier times that stand out to me. It's not the fact that I was pissed off about my souvenier from Australia that really sticks out - although thinking about that makes me laugh because I realize now how cheap he was (just like me nowadays) - but how proud he was when I showed him the soccer championship trophy that my team won that summer and how he trapped me in my room shortly after he came home by licking every door knob and shutting the doors from the outside.
Yes, some memories still hurt and are more fresh then others, and yes, some pain will never completely go away. But life is so much more than pain. I am 22 and while it's true that I've experienced some awful things in my life, I also feel like I've made so many good memories with the people I've met, the places I've been, and the things that I've done. Even during the bad times, there were always small moments that made me smile too; staying up until dawn talking on the phone; creating complex, overly complicated stories; graduating high school after clawing your way back up to earn that dipolma; going camping with my friends and watching the stars; laughing with co-workers about something stupidly funny that you just saw; playing with my dogs in a field; learning about things in university that I could have only dreamed about understanding when I was younger. All of these things help encourage me to keep going and in a way, distract me from the bad things that happen and have happened to me. They help give me the strength to keep moving forward and to not keep constantly looking back with regret and sadness.
It's true that life isn't perfect and that it never will be, but never forget to look at the good things and give yourself permission to enjoy them. Trust me, it can make an awful moment into a better one that one day you can look back on with a smile.